Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Traditionally, women are supposed to keep the engagement ring if the man doesn't follow through on the promise to marry that it implies. Please get it valued, and unless it's really cheap, keep it so you can sell it and recoup some of the money you've spent subsidising this guy's bills.
Stop paying his bills - hopefully the utilities are still in his name - and let the arrears build up for him to deal with.
If you're able to move to your friend's place before his delayed return, why not do it? Make sure you take every single thing of yours with you. That includes all the food you've bought - let him find the fridge and freezer and cupboards empty.
He's not going to marry you. Hearing about his excuse for not marrying the mother of his son for SEVENTEEN years makes that very clear!
It's up to you what you tell his mother. Is she 'allowed' to phone him while he's working away? Does he make more of an effort to communicate with her than he does with you?
I'm sorry he's been such a jerk, and wish you well with the next stage of your life.

I'm so sorry for you OP. You sound like a lovely person who doesn't dserve to be treated this way. You do sound like you're fast developing some insight though, stay with that. Even if wine-induced.

Just on the ring- I can understand the "pride moment' to be had in handing it back to him. However, I also remember a lady then named Kate Fischer, engaged to Australian billionaire James Packer. When he dumped her, she was so furious she threw her $200,000 engagement ring into the sea. Big, BIG mistake.

You may wish to get it valued. Just thinking ahead.

I wouldn't leave the ring, that feels almost the same as leaving him a note.

I'd just disappear and let him find a completely empty house. Shane you can't burn it down as you leave but oh well!

Although I’m not bothered about marriage mine is a “live at home” man I would not like it one bit if he was away a lot. I would get lonely very quickly this is your issue as well and I understand that, my father was in the RAF and spent long periods on postings, then mum had us kids for company and of course the forces community. When we had all flown the nest dad had a regular civilian job.

If you do leave how is that going to make you less lonely, the kids are going to be away, is it going to be a rented place and a new relationship?. Don’t get angry with him just say you’re lonely and want him at home more, the jobs market is really strong he could change his routine easily.

You only communicate via calls but;

"I can't call him, I have to wait for him to call me"

"and he never responds to email"

and "he.doesnt like video calling"

And im not sure what you said about texting/messaging, but he's told you he hasn't got his phone on him at work for hours at a time, and that it's switched off for him to sleep for hours at a time too so I'm imagine he says he can't respond to messages at all

He has restricted your ability to communicate with him very severely. He's made excuses for all of it; work, shifts, dyslexia, not "liking" to video call ..... but I have to wonder if the excuses are real.

Personally I think he's got at least one other partner. I think the shit had hit the fan in some way with this plan to marry you.

Which country/ries is he working in? The culture there might have a bearing on his behaviour if he is in another relationship.

How many engagements had James Packer broken?!

He broke one with Mariah Carey too.

I think she kept the ring etc.

Even if he truly couldn't use a mobile at work, after his shift and sleep, he could make himself available to take calls etc. He could share his shift (and sleeping) pattern with you and you should have been free to contact him during his awake, down times.

The contact (or lack of) arrangements are downright weird.

We love in a world where a woman I know can emigrate to New Zealand and I can see her Facebook posts instantly, see her number changing on WhatsApp, could be in constant contact if we wanted to be vis some from of messaging, calling etc. Yet you are restricted to phone calls .... And you can't phone him.

It sounds really dubious.

He has restricted your ability to communicate with him very severely. He's made excuses for all of it; work, shifts, dyslexia, not "liking" to video call ..... but I have to wonder if the excuses are real.

Yeah, I agree and I don't like the sound of it, just because he should want to see you on a video call or communicate by text if he is supposedly working so hard and finding it tough being away. It does sound like you're out of sight, out of mind.

Yeah I think he can make calls (when he allows them) because he could be talking to anyone eg his Mum when he's on the phone .... Video call would make it clear that it's a woman who's not his Mum.

Likewise the calls, to and from a number he could have saved into his phone as anything, (he could change it when he comes back and maybe op doesn't even have access to his phone due to finger print or password etc. or would never look) tell someone nothing other than that he spoke to someone in the UK. Messages and emails would show information that made it clear it's a partner he's communicating with. They would be incriminating.
He's made sure he has no evidence of communicatung with a partner in the UK that's findable.

I think he's quite a careful, manipulative accomplished cheat.

I think his bizarre and over the top reaction to op taking off her engagement ring to exercise is evidence he thinks like a cheat.

I think his desire for her to continue to wear that ring, in spite of the fact he's now said he plans to never marry her, is evidence he thinks like a cheat.

If op had access to any of his communications I think a lot of things would be clarified. But he's probably as careful about that as he is about making sure she can't contact him when he's away, except when he initiates it and at times and in places that suit him.

In general op, I also get the impression that you have not recovered and recalibrated from your abusive relationship sufficiently to have entered into another relationship.

You seem to be suffering from "level 6 bastard is good be sure I was previously with a level 8 or 9 bastard" syndrome.

I know you said you've been to visit him while he's been away, OP, but unless those were surprise visits he would have had time to book into an hotel before your arrival

This too.

I dated a man who did this.

He booked a hotel or bnb to host visiting "girlfriends" but was living with a woman in that area when in the country.

(He lived between two countries).

And it's off for someone to stay in hotels if theyre working somewhere for months at a time. Usually they rent somewhere.

Were you meeting in cities or tourist spots in the area of where he was working?.I can understand why people would pick a nice place to have a break and meet up, but it has the added advantage of keeping you away from their home while in that country.

*odd

All of @LemonDrop22’s posts are on the fucking money.

This. Definitely

He doesn't love you.

You deserve more

But more importantly your children deserve way more

I don't know how many! But poor Kate, known by another name that escapes me, has since dealt with MH issues, homelessness, and more. She could've used that 200K, is all I'm saying.

Sorry for the derail OP. The ring itself is probably not your main concern at the moment.

Some people choose not to marry and that's fine

I know a couple of people who aren't married but choose to wear a ring as a sign of commitment / respectability

But you want(ed) marriage and he doesn't

Listen to what he's telling you

It's good your finances aren't entangled

But you want(ed) marriage and he doesn't

Op did not initiate the proposals - unless she's conveniently omitted to mention 5 yrs of begging him to propose.

He proposed, did it again when op suggested he waited til sober to see if he truly wanted to propose, he let the engagement be announced to everyone (including presumably op's kids) he has been very particular about her wearing that ring all the time, he was discussing wedding plans and he was planning a stag do......

Yet he has now done a u turn about marrying, ever.

Not really a "you wanted marriage but he doesn't" situation.

He initiated everything but is now bailing; while expecting op to.continue to wear the engagement ring.

There's a lot going on here that I think only he is party to.

The old cliché " When someone shows you who they are, believe them" is so true in this.
I had a relationship like this. Engaged but not married, didn't want to marry. It was convenient....for him. Luckily I got out before it was too late. Please do this
This man has zero respect for you. He just wants someone to come home to whilst he flits about doing whatever he likes.

Keep the ring. Sell it and put the money towards a special treat.

Another one of these men that wants full and absolute commitment from the woman with full visibility that 'woman is mine' type thing, without wanting to make the same statement themselves - I had an ex like this, it's the reason he's an ex

If it was just that he’d decided he didn’t want to get married, then I’d assume that he’d taken financial advice. A woman in his position would be advised not to marry & risk losing half her assets. It would be different if you had shared children.

My suggestion in that case would be to stop wearing the ring & just put it away. If you’re not planning a wedding, then you aren’t engaged & it’s not appropriate.

However, what you’ve said about him working away sounds pretty dodgy. Surely having no days off breaks Health & Safety Regs, which I would have thought would be quite strict in construction?

Hello All,
I haven't heard from him yet today. I didn't sleep very well, had a weird dream about an ex boyfriend of my "yoof", then went to the Gym. I then sat in my car for about an hour just thinking.

Putting everything together, and the overwhelming responses and opinions regarding him having an affair/second life etc make me think that I have been utterly hoodwinked and used.

But I kind of want to have it out with him. I really want him to know and understand what he has done. Maybe he won't care, but I want him to see that I am not weak and stupid. I want to stand up to him, show him that I won't just disappear nicely and quietly like a good girl. Because I think that's what he's banking on. I'm not generally vindictive, but I am really, really pissed off and hurt.

He is emotionally manipulating you and dismissing your needs and feelings. You have a wish and a need to be married and those feelings and needs are valid. If he loved you he wouldn't fuck with your mind and heart like this. You have the right to know where you stand, and if he won't even go to the registry office within the next month then you should walk and not waste anymore time on him. Partners who 'work away' are also always a red flag for me. When does he come back?