Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

‘And this is exactly the misogynistic mentality I just talked about. The assumption lying beneath these anecdotes is that the man could not say no, when sex was freely offered to him.’

if it’s even true…

And for the record yes my h had an affair, the ow knew he was married, both concealed the truth from me, basically took me for a mug, a knobhead, withdrew my agency and choices.

Both were immoral, if you wish to know what I think of my h, here goes, he was a lying cheating cunt of a man, a bastard, a twat, a fucking whore, a piece of shit, a lying turd of a father. Hate him with every fibre of my being, gave 4 fucking decades wasted on him, wish I'd chosen someone else.

Is that enough man hating for you, I could go on but this thread is not about that, it is about ow and would you be friends with one.

No I personally would find it too triggering.
Many of you seem fine with it, that's your choice, would you be ok if your own father had an ow, would you defend her so rigorously ? Come in love, take my dad, take his money, take my inheritance, it's not your fault, your just being picked on because your an ikkle woman.

So long as it doesn't happen to you, so much I'm alright Jack ...

This is kind of ridiculous. Everyone on here is saying the man is responsible for his behavior, it just takes two to tango.

A woman who sneaks around on a man and shags one of his friends is of course responsible for her behavior but usually noone in the friendship circle is impressed by the man's behavior.

I have known this scenario and the man lost lots of family and most of his friends too.

‘And for the record yes my h had an affair, the ow knew he was married, both concealed the truth from me, basically took me for a mug, a knobhead, withdrew my agency and choices.’

explains a lot. Of course our experiences colournour opinions.

If I had an affair it would be on me. I would be the one responsible but my DH would almost certainly hate both me and the other man and DHs friends would also think that the OM was a complete prick. I don't think this would be an unusual scenario

Yes, it would indeed be on you.

So why do you think I couldn't have a legitimate, non MM-shagging reason, to think the same of myself and any other married person?

It's on you. And you alone.

Thanks for your input

You see, in recent years I have come to realise that, as a society, we have made very little progress in women's equality. There have been legislative gains, sure, equal pay act, making marital rape illegal and so on. But what have remained entrenched are misogynistic cultural attitudes to women. As displayed on this thread and particularly exemplified in this post.

In this post, we can see the complete inability to grasp the really very simple argument that men have 100% agency for their own sexual behaviour, and no-one else. Its not that this poster is disagreeing with this argument, she is so far from grasping it, that she cannot understand the argument at all, and is grasping around for explanations as to why all women are not blaming OW, at least in part, for men's infidelity (in can only be because they are OW themselves, surely?).

This poster has deeply, deeply internalised the misogynistic idea that men are not in full control of their own sexuality and so blame can be attached to women for men's sexual behaviour.

I despair that in 2022 so little progress has been made.

"People can't cheat if there's no one to cheat with" is very clearly laying the blame at women's door, and it's misogynistic for all the reasons Hitatiks so articulately laid out.

But we are talking about human behaviour here. It’s not blaming women for mens behaviour. But clearly some men feel entitled to look around when they really shouldn’t. Why buy into that?

@Hitatiks nailed it

You're not talking about human behaviour, you're talking about male behaviour. And of course you're blaming women for it when your attitude is, in other words: "Men do this, so women shouldn't 'buy into it'." Aka, men aren't responsible, they just act on instinct, so women should be the gatekeepers because we can't expect men to regulate themselves.

Sod that. Don't marry at all if you think men are such base dogs. It's insulting to everyone.

Absolutely. The mm is ALWAYS responsible for HIS OWN BEHAVIOR. His decision to cheat is entirely his responsibility. The other woman’s behavior is irrelevant.

as I said already I don’t think it’s good to be the ow but if I had a close friend who was the ow, tgat in itself would not make me drop them.

I've been skipping over everything that poster has said since she opened a post by outright lying and accusing me of saying affairs are OK (why would I be constantly referring to shitty male behaviour and who's to blame if I believed that?).

Since you responded, I read that one. And in addition to your excellent answer, I'd add that it's interesting that she doesn't only suspect I am/was an OW, she is absolutely certain of it. Her worldview is so full of misogyny that she thinks it is literally impossible for a woman to hold a married man wholly responsible for himself without shagging one. And she thinks it is impossible to hold men responsible without "defending OW".

You can't reason with this. It's like trying to teach a cat long division. The ability to conceptualise a man being totally responsible for what he does without a female failing somewhere along the line. It's not there.

You don’t have to have experienced something personally to think it’s unpleasant behaviour when done to someone else.

Then now is the time to stand up and be proud to be a lying cheating scroat JUST like men.

Attitudes will never change unless you talk openly about it, how will you ever change the status quo by sitting on a computer and speaking of the inequality when you are not proud to stand up and be counted.

I am proud to be an ow, a cheater ! just like men
That is what you are saying about men, that they get away with it, that we as women don't understand and are forgetting that men are worse and get congratulated.

No they don't, they are hated, many of you are just jealous as you want to be viewed homogeneously as just as morally bankrupt as men, all excuses just so you need not have a concience.

Go for it, I'm afraid I don't think you're going to get to far though and that's what pisses you off, you are unable to change the views of human nature on this subject and why, because the cause you are fighting for is immoral, for both men and women. Please don't hide behind your campaign for justice for women, you personally are accountable for your own actions, everyone is, we as humans should know right from wrong.

My dad did have an affair. I don’t blame his (then mistress) now wife. It was his decision and his responsibility. Also your comments about his “money” and “inheritance” are telling. I doubt I will inherit anything from him and he did not financially support me but again that was his doing not his wife’s. He was a crap dad. No one to blame for that but him. She did not make him do anything nor was she capable of doing so. His choice, his responsibility.

It’s not for women to make men good parents.

im a single mum now and take care of my dds. If I went off and left them or didn’t support them financially properly for a man or otherwise that would be on me. I would be a bad parent. I’m not I’m a good parent. Because I choose to be.

I think it’s misogynistic to assume that a woman is so stupid that she can’t say no when a married man tries to have an affair with her.

Are you the guy I saw a few weeks ago who called someone a Karen, was told not to be sexist, and responded that he'd totally call a man a Karen and we were sexist for assuming he wouldn't?

Your dh chose to cheat on you. He was not some defenceless weak creature. He made a choice and you need to accept that. No point blaming others.

just because we don’t blame women for mens behaviour doesn’t mean that anyone here has had a relationship with a mm. i never have (at least knowingly) - it’s not something I’m interested in. But I’m not a misogynist.

I wonder if there is a subset of women who blame the ow as they see themselves in competition with them for the resources of her man. They see men as providers and ow are stealing their income source. So it’s not about the person at all.

I like women very much, I respect them, I would never choose to decieve another woman.

Ow must hate women, to actively paticipate in destroying another woman mental health, family unit and future takes some real hate. Real actual hatred to a female sister, who never harmed you.

Why do you hate women so much ?

No one said that though except you.

@ViolinPin same situation. Hate my husband for what he did but don't consider the OW someone I would respect when she has kids same age as mine, came to my home and posed as a friend. People could be OW or OM and not cross the line of entering someone's home, pretend to be friends and try to charm their cheating partner's kids. There are ways to be OW or OM and some are plain horrible people.

To those that defend the rights of OW/OM and suggest the ones that disagree with them do so from a POV of being bitter people who have been cheated on before as if that was their fault, that comes across as victim blaming, belittling and undermining of the pain inflicted to others. It tells about you as much as the behaviour you accept in your friends.

Sneering at people who don't like your idea of emancipated OW/OM who are free to shag whoever (as long as it is not your own significan other) implies you are stereotyping the cheated-on party as the hysterical selfish woman/man who let herself go, ignored her husband's needs, took him for granted and deserved to be cheated on. Your view absolving the OW/OM is throwing some blame at the cheated person for not being able to keep their spouse, talk about mysoginy...

Who is that supposed to be addressed to?

I doubt ow hate women at all. Many will believe all the stuff the mm tells them. Sometimes it will be true as well. Some selfishly care more about their own happiness (as many people do if we were to be honest). Anyway it’s not for all women globally to stop your husband cheating. It has to be his responsibility.

That's the real crux of it

These ow hate women, deeply ingrained jealousy of their female species.

Doing the work of men, defending affairs, men love em.

It’s being strongly implied, by those who say it’s all the man’s fault and not the OW’s. As if she just can’t help it.