DH binned the clothes for the refuges. AIBU?

[CakeyCake5]

I sorted through my children’s clothes and had some lovely clothes in good condition that no longer fit. I know there are a local family of refuges that would benefit from them so I made some enquiries and I was told someone would collect them from me soon. Anyway, time passed and they hadn’t got back to me so I reached out again and was told the lady supporting this family had a death in the family. If I keep the clothes, they would get in touch in future. I knew these clothes would be too big for the children and personally didn’t mind storing for as long as they need.

Anyway, DH point blank refused for me to keep this bag of clothes in the garage. His argument is that I hoard stuff in there. I really wouldn’t mind if this was true, but I really don’t. There’s probably one bag of kids clothes in there that are for my other child to grow into. I have also kept some baby equipment, but we haven’t completely ruled out having another child.

So the bag was in the corner of our bedroom. Not ideal. DH kept moaning about the bag asking me to chase up the lady. I refused and explained I have told her I’ll keep the bag for now. He wouldn’t stop moaning about it and in frustration, I said something along the lines of “DH, I’ve told someone I’ll keep this for them. I want to keep it in the garage but you’re being so difficult about it. If you’re seriously going to keep behaving like this then you might as well bin it.” And I walked off. The bag later disappeared and I assumed he had come to his senses and popped it in the garage. Today, I found out that he has in fact binned all the clothes. I’m furious! I know I said it in frustration so it’s maybe unreasonable of me to be annoyed, but he has been so annoying about this whole situation. Who is he to tell me we can’t keep this one bag of clothes when we do have the space to. Don’t get me wrong, our garage is fairly full, but just average in terms of how you’d expect a garage to look.

Im really upset because these were really good quality clothes. What an absolute waste! 😢

I would be irritated by a bag of stuff lying around in the bedroom and no prospect of it going in the near future. If you told me to bin it (which you did) I would probably do so, but I am a bit obsessional about waste so would more likely stick it in the attic.

They should have gone in the garage until the family they were promised to were able to correct them. The garage is as much your space as your husband's; you can certainly keep one bag in there without an ongoing whingefest. Since you were the one that made the offer and had the conversation with the family's host, it should have been up to you and only you when and if they would be donated elsewhere, not up to random posters here. And they certainly shouldn't have been binned; your husband should learn to recognise sarcasm (which I bet he does, he just wanted a "gotcha") and to develop common sense and empathy.

Can you give him an estimate of the cost to replace the clothes and ask him to donate the money to the family? Since posters here seem to think you need to "learn your lesson", perhaps he should too.

Not wanting a bag of clothes in the corner of your bedroom indefinitely is not being a clean freak

Your Dh sounds like a bully and a selfish arse.
You shouldn't have told him to bin the clothes but his behaviour to that point was out of order.

The bag of clothes is neither here nor there, but the patriarchal authoritarian attitude is big deal, unless you have form for being messy and hoarding, and even then your (possible) messiness and his (possible) tidiness are both equally valid parts of your personalities. One of you doesn’t get to lay down the law over how a particular part of the house will be used. It’s not 1950, an the house is your domain and the garage his (unless you have agreed that works for you).

To have a fair compromise, you have to have a conversation starting with this premise of equality, and that sounds like it’s not happening.

@girlmom21

Yes it is.

Its literally just 1 bag. It's not doing any harm.

Given that the oh didn't want it in the garage, wardrobe or bedroom and chuked it out , sounds like he has issues to me.

Yes, exactly. OP, your DH sounds like a hypocritical twat.

I'm as minimalist as they come (nothing in my garage or loft) but I would happily store useable clothes waiting to be donated. He's not king of the garage, I'd be moaning to him about his sports equipment cluttering up the garage, and wanting to get rid of it. He wouldn't like that, because it's his stuff, which apparently has more right to garage space than anything of yours. What a wasteful idiot.

Does your husband always get his own way.

If his stuff in the garage is used it is not randomly being stored so fair enough that it is there. The OP is storing stuff the family may use in the future. Storing stuff for other people is ridiculous. If this family was in need they would have collected the clothes. If you are donating, you donate to people who actually need them at the time, not further down the line. People's circumstances change all the time they may no longer be in need by the time the clothes fit.

It says nothing good about him - from the controlling, to the nagging, to the complete lack of empathy for the people you were donating to.

No one else can use them - they went to the dump.

It's inconvenient and looks messy. I like my bedroom to look relaxing and trouble-free.
If you saw the state of my living room right now with the kids running riot you certainly wouldn't call me a clean freak.

A lot of donations for the Ukraine refugees ended up in landfill. They haven't got the volunteers to sort through clothes and have said not to do any more collections. Better off donating to a clothes bank or charity shop. What the refugees really need is money.

It's not about clean freaks. It's about control freaks with no empathy. I'm surprised they're not embarrassed that they think the minor inconvenience caused by a bag of clothes in a garage or wardrobe outweighs the benefit those clothes will bring when they're donated. It's so bloody selfish and privileged.

How is 1 bag inconvenient, mess, trouble and not relaxing?

See. That does not sound like a normal reaction to a bag of clothes imo.

Nor does refusing to allow it to be put out of sight

You’re as bad as each other

Sounds weird that you were so keen it go to this one family - they obviously weren't bothered so shld have been taken to charity shop.

It's inconvenient if it's in the way of anything or anywhere you want to walk, which will be the case unless your room is massive.

I like my bedroom to be clutter free so it's not relaxing if there's something there that doesn't belong there.

I agree on the face of it the refusal to put it in the garage is the issue, but I'd hazard a guess that the OP is more of a hoarder than she'll admit, hence the cot, pushchair etc.

Clutter and hoarding bothers different people in different ways.

I agree on the face of it the refusal to put it in the garage is the issue, but I'd hazard a guess that the OP is more of a hoarder than she'll admit, hence the cot, pushchair etc.

So are you suggesting I should get rid of the cot & pushchair? I’m not a wasteful person. They are in great condition and I would reuse if we have another child. Why would I not store them when I have the space to do so?

Why be insulting, laughing at people who don’t want clutter? Why assume ops husband is the “freak” and not that op is messy? Why be a duck about it?

Dick

You should have just given them to the local charity shop. The people you were hanging around for clearly were not bothered about them! Why were you so obsessed with this particular family?! Just get rid in future.

I'd just get over it to be honest and move on. You told him he could bin them and he did. You could've been holding on to them for months. I think the reason your DH was annoyed was not at the bag, storage space etc but that these people may be taking advantage of you and making excuses not to take the stuff. He doesn't like the idea or possibility that you or him are being taken for a mug. I'm sure these people are genuine but if the need was really urgent, they would have taken them straight away, it's one bag, not a mountain of stuff for them to find room for even if they are moving around. Think my DH would've been the same and I'd have taken them to the charity shop and told this woman sorry, but that I couldn't hang onto them indefinitely.

How old are the children you have and what was the agreed purpose of the garage as you said it's like a proper room?

You could easily sell those things and buy second hand if you ever have another child.