Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH binned the clothes for the refuges. AIBU?

202 replies

CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 12:47

I sorted through my children’s clothes and had some lovely clothes in good condition that no longer fit. I know there are a local family of refuges that would benefit from them so I made some enquiries and I was told someone would collect them from me soon. Anyway, time passed and they hadn’t got back to me so I reached out again and was told the lady supporting this family had a death in the family. If I keep the clothes, they would get in touch in future. I knew these clothes would be too big for the children and personally didn’t mind storing for as long as they need.

Anyway, DH point blank refused for me to keep this bag of clothes in the garage. His argument is that I hoard stuff in there. I really wouldn’t mind if this was true, but I really don’t. There’s probably one bag of kids clothes in there that are for my other child to grow into. I have also kept some baby equipment, but we haven’t completely ruled out having another child.

So the bag was in the corner of our bedroom. Not ideal. DH kept moaning about the bag asking me to chase up the lady. I refused and explained I have told her I’ll keep the bag for now. He wouldn’t stop moaning about it and in frustration, I said something along the lines of “DH, I’ve told someone I’ll keep this for them. I want to keep it in the garage but you’re being so difficult about it. If you’re seriously going to keep behaving like this then you might as well bin it.” And I walked off. The bag later disappeared and I assumed he had come to his senses and popped it in the garage. Today, I found out that he has in fact binned all the clothes. I’m furious! I know I said it in frustration so it’s maybe unreasonable of me to be annoyed, but he has been so annoying about this whole situation. Who is he to tell me we can’t keep this one bag of clothes when we do have the space to. Don’t get me wrong, our garage is fairly full, but just average in terms of how you’d expect a garage to look.

Im really upset because these were really good quality clothes. What an absolute waste! 😢

OP posts:
FlounderingFruitcake · 08/10/2022 13:04

Er but you told him to bin them??! If this family couldn’t collect them promptly for any reason then they can’t reasonably expect you to store them indefinitely. It’s also hugely wasteful to have binned them. They should have to gone to the charity shop.

Needmorelego · 08/10/2022 13:05

@CakeyCake5 oh ok. If you were fine with storing them then I don't see the issue.
Your husband is just an idiot.

YellowTreeHouse · 08/10/2022 13:07

YABU. You basically told him to bin it yet are annoyed he did so?

Novody wants random crap hanging about their house for an unspecified time.

Maireas · 08/10/2022 13:11

CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:00

Also, I offered to drop them off. I’m not sure of the full reasoning behind why but the reply was them asking me to keep hold of them for now. It really shouldn’t have been a big issue for me to do this.

i also hated the bag being in the house and wanted it in the garage.

If they didn't want them dropped off then there was obviously a problem. It would have been ok to take them to a charity shop. You could explain that you'd waited.
Your husband though? Have a conversation with him about what went wrong.

AnuSTart · 08/10/2022 13:13

For me the real issue is that he controls what goes into the garage and sulks. Without evidence to the contrary you aren't a hoarder and he had no right to not allow you to store a bag in the garage.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:13

I’m really annoyed at myself for letting him tell me that I couldn’t put it in the garage. That’s not up to him! I know I haven’t handled this situation perfectly, but the way he has treated me just seems so controlling. If the bag had sat in the garage for 6 months, I’d probably have text the lady to see if I could pass it on then and if not, I probably would have donated it elsewhere. It just seems so sad and wasteful to me that these clothes didn’t go to one of the many families in need.

OP posts:
AsAnyFuleKno · 08/10/2022 13:15

I thought that maybe they’ll have trouble keeping the clothes until they’re the right size for the children. That may be the reason they asked if I could hold onto them.

They can't really expect you to hold onto them until the children are older. You don't have a clear out just to have the stuff hanging around in bin bags for months. You should have said, if they can't be collected within the next couple of weeks, I'll donate them elsewhere. You could have taken them to any charity shop, or a women's refuge might have taken them if they are for young DC.

Choconut · 08/10/2022 13:17

You're annoyed that he binned it after you told him he might as well? YABU. Also if it's been another 2 weeks since he binned it and you haven't heard anything then it could drag on forever.

It sounds like this family have no room to store stuff and so you could be holding onto this stuff for months if not years until they grow into it, it could also get mouldy in the garage I'd have thought. In future I'd only offer stuff for specific individuals if it's going to be useful now or in the very near future.

AsAnyFuleKno · 08/10/2022 13:18

AnuSTart · 08/10/2022 13:13

For me the real issue is that he controls what goes into the garage and sulks. Without evidence to the contrary you aren't a hoarder and he had no right to not allow you to store a bag in the garage.

I know from experience it's all too easy for a garage to become a dumping ground. I wouldn't want bags of old clothes being left in the garage with no end date. Fine if they'd set a time to get the clothes, but otherwise the chances are they'll never be collected and just stay there gathering dust.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:18

They can't really expect you to hold onto them until the children are older.

They didn’t expect me to. They asked if it was possible for me to hold onto them for a while. It wasn’t an issue for me to so I said, no problem. Maybe they’re being relocated. There could be many reasons. Like I said, I’d have eventually messaged again but storing them in our garage shouldn’t really have been an issue. We have plenty of space.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/10/2022 13:18

He actually threw usable clothes away?

I just can't understand that tbh.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:20

Our garage really isn’t a dumping ground. We move house and clear out every couple of years. I have one other bag of clothes. Our garage is tiled and well insulated and mould is not an issue in there.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:21

*He actually threw usable clothes away?

I just can't understand that tbh*

This is the bit I can’t understand! I didn’t for a second think he would actually bin the clothes!

OP posts:
WhatHappenedToYoyos · 08/10/2022 13:21

It's a shame your DH doesn't realise that passing on clothes is much less wasteful but you did tell him to bin them?

Why didn't you just put it under a bed/the the garage so it was out of the way. You don't need permission to put your belongings in your own garage.

rwalker · 08/10/2022 13:21

Team DH here same in our house
wife will sort stuff then it ends up in piles or bags that are just dumped
tbf I normally put them in collection bins at Asda car park rather than dump them

Toomanysleepycats · 08/10/2022 13:22

He knew you wanted to keep them. He used your words “you might as well bin them” as an excuse to do exactly that. I don’t think you are to blame as you had made it perfectly clear that you were keeping them for a reason.

I agree with the poster who asked why he has control of what is kept in the garage.

Hes he tendencies to be a minimalist and declutter a lot. Or is it only your things that he considers ‘rubbish’

In any case, if you have an equal marriage, you should be able to keep stuff just because you want to.

I would be annoyed for this reason as well as the waste and the fact they have probably gone to landfill.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:23

He was adamant that the clothes could not go in the garage.

im annoyed at myself whilst typing that. Wrong of him, on so many levels, to control me like that. And I’m annoyed that I let him!

OP posts:
AsAnyFuleKno · 08/10/2022 13:23

They didn’t expect me to. They asked if it was possible for me to hold onto them for a while.

As I said, they should have said when they'd be able to collect them. They're being a bit casual about the whole thing, considering you wanted to do them a kindness - if they really wanted the clothes, they'd have made more effort to get them - I suspect they didn't have the space but thought it would be rude to decline your offer.

Worthyornot · 08/10/2022 13:24

I absolutely loathes piles of stuff around the house. I wouldn't have kept them and just donated it rather than binned it. Your dh was wrong to do that but also you should have got rid off it. Someone else in need would have used it.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:25

As I said, they should have said when they'd be able to collect them. They're being a bit casual about the whole thing, considering you wanted to do them a kindness - if they really wanted the clothes, they'd have made more effort to get them - I suspect they didn't have the space but thought it would be rude to decline your offer.

So does that give my DH permission to refuse to allow me to store them in our garage? And to then complain at them being in the house and go on about it relentlessly?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2022 13:25

Your H sounds like a controlling dickhead.

Yesthatsit · 08/10/2022 13:25

There’s a million ways to get rid of kids clothes sensibly and you seem to have picked a oddly strange way- to donate to a family where the clothes are too big for the kids, but also they are going to be transient as refugees so won’t have the room or headspace to store and think of the future in that way right now.

So on the face of it you like you are getting rid of them in a sensible way by donation to the needy, but actually you’ve found a way to keep hold of them but look like you are getting rid of them.

This is classic hoarder and it sounds like your other half is losing patience.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/10/2022 13:25

You're already storing clothes in the garage, you're storing baby things in there just in case, do you have hoarding tendencies? Do you not have inside storage for these items to protect them from the damp?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/10/2022 13:27

It sounds to me like they said they would take them not out of need as they wont even fit but just out of politeness.

CheezePleeze · 08/10/2022 13:27

It all sounds a bit Lady Bountiful to me in the sense that you needed to know who'd be wearing your kid's cast-offs.

Just bag them up for an actual charity next time.