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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH binned the clothes for the refuges. AIBU?

202 replies

CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 12:47

I sorted through my children’s clothes and had some lovely clothes in good condition that no longer fit. I know there are a local family of refuges that would benefit from them so I made some enquiries and I was told someone would collect them from me soon. Anyway, time passed and they hadn’t got back to me so I reached out again and was told the lady supporting this family had a death in the family. If I keep the clothes, they would get in touch in future. I knew these clothes would be too big for the children and personally didn’t mind storing for as long as they need.

Anyway, DH point blank refused for me to keep this bag of clothes in the garage. His argument is that I hoard stuff in there. I really wouldn’t mind if this was true, but I really don’t. There’s probably one bag of kids clothes in there that are for my other child to grow into. I have also kept some baby equipment, but we haven’t completely ruled out having another child.

So the bag was in the corner of our bedroom. Not ideal. DH kept moaning about the bag asking me to chase up the lady. I refused and explained I have told her I’ll keep the bag for now. He wouldn’t stop moaning about it and in frustration, I said something along the lines of “DH, I’ve told someone I’ll keep this for them. I want to keep it in the garage but you’re being so difficult about it. If you’re seriously going to keep behaving like this then you might as well bin it.” And I walked off. The bag later disappeared and I assumed he had come to his senses and popped it in the garage. Today, I found out that he has in fact binned all the clothes. I’m furious! I know I said it in frustration so it’s maybe unreasonable of me to be annoyed, but he has been so annoying about this whole situation. Who is he to tell me we can’t keep this one bag of clothes when we do have the space to. Don’t get me wrong, our garage is fairly full, but just average in terms of how you’d expect a garage to look.

Im really upset because these were really good quality clothes. What an absolute waste! 😢

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/10/2022 13:28

Why did you not just put them in the garage? I can't imagine having to ask for permission to do that. My DP is in for a shock if he ever looks in the loft.

FlounderingFruitcake · 08/10/2022 13:28

It does sound a bit like the family were trying to fob you off, whilst not wanting to offend since you’ve been so generous. Clothes that wouldn’t fit yet aren’t massively useful when they could be relocated etc. Even with a death in the host family, declining your offer to drop them round would suggest to me that they didn’t want them, but that they didn’t know how to say that without sounding ungrateful. They probably thought you’d get rid elsewhere because hanging onto to them for months after a clear out isn’t normal! So wasteful to have binned them though.

GiltEdges · 08/10/2022 13:28

You told him to bin them!!! He did. Not sure why you feel you have anyone but yourself to blame. You’re also to blame for not going ahead and storing them in your own garage, if that’s what you wanted to do. And also for being a pushover and agreeing to store something unnecessarily for someone else, knowing it would bother another person in the household. The list goes on…

Neverfullycharged · 08/10/2022 13:29

Bloody hell

i thought this was going to be that he’d thrown them away by mistake but that’s awful. It’s not the clothes so much as absolute shocking lack of respect for someone else’s wants.

shooketh · 08/10/2022 13:30

You told him he could bin them

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:30

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

I have a cot and a pram (as we may have another child). That’s all. I have one bag of clothes that DD will grow into in the next 6 months.

I know this families personal circumstances and the situation they were in when leaving Ukraine. I wanted to give them first refusal. Obviously to begin with, I thought they were going to be promptly collected. Then they asked if I could hold onto them. That would never have been my ideal way to donate. That’s just the situation that I ended up in.

I am as far from a hoarder as you could get. Meanwhile DH has loads of sports equipment in the garage. I have very little in there.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:31

And also for being a pushover and agreeing to store something unnecessarily for someone else, knowing it would bother another person in the household.

I didn’t know it would bother him. I didn’t think for a minute that it would be an issue.

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/10/2022 13:32

And what about house storage, nothing you are storing should be being stored in a potentially damp atmosphere so what about house storage loft etc, what is that being used for?

BlackberryCat · 08/10/2022 13:32

Honestly, threads like this make me glad to be single. I can keep whatever I want wherever I want.

AsAnyFuleKno · 08/10/2022 13:32

So does that give my DH permission to refuse to allow me to store them in our garage? And to then complain at them being in the house and go on about it relentlessly?

It's not about 'permission' - it's about it being reasonable to want a clutter-free home and garage and to take steps to address any possible build-up of clutter.

Shiningstarr · 08/10/2022 13:32

CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:23

He was adamant that the clothes could not go in the garage.

im annoyed at myself whilst typing that. Wrong of him, on so many levels, to control me like that. And I’m annoyed that I let him!

Is it not your garage aswell?

Does he normally overrule you like this?
He sounds like an overbearing idiot.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:33

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus the garage doesn’t have damp at all. It’s fully tiled and just like a room in a house.

we don’t have loft space in this house.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 08/10/2022 13:33

While I donate stuff all the time, if I want something gone from my house, it's gone. I am not a free storage facility, if you are being offered something for nothing, come get it, otherwise it goes to someone else. No way would I keep anything hanging around the house for an indefinite period of time. But your DH is also in the wrong, becuase throwing usable things in the bin is a shocking waste.

GettingOrganisedNow · 08/10/2022 13:35

My DH is like this. He has endless amounts of crap that he refuses to throw out, but if I try to store anything it's immediately "cluttering the place up" and he has to continually shift it about to demonstrate that it's in his way.

He has been known to take stuff to the charity shop after a while, but even he would never just throw out decent clothes. I'd be furious.

I designated a spot for things that are being given to someone specific (I usually pass kids' clothes on to my cousin, but don't see her that often, so I designated a spot to put them and just add to it as things are outgrown, and hand them over when she comes round). That seems to work better.

CosyDarkNights · 08/10/2022 13:36

Why didn't you post them in the clothes slot at the supermarket instead? I'd get annoyed if my husband was hoarding too. If they wouldn't collect them I wouldn't have kept hold of them personally, they couldn't be in need for them if no one wanted to collect.

Chesterfieldfire · 08/10/2022 13:40

He should have offered another solution - found another person to donate them to, rather than throw them away. Wasting good clothing is such a shame.

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:41

Why didn't you post them in the clothes slot at the supermarket instead?

were not UK based. That’s not a thing here. And also, because I’d agreed to keep them (at least for a while) for this other family. If that came to nothing, I’d then have donated elsewhere.

OP posts:
KevinsChilli · 08/10/2022 13:42

Yeah not sure why you didn’t just put them in the garage. Very weird you allowed your DH to not permit you as if you’re a child or a lodger.

DysmalRadius · 08/10/2022 13:44

Your husband sounds like a dick - would he normally just bin clothes rather than take them to a charity shop? Because if not, then he did it just to spite you.

Youdoyoutoday · 08/10/2022 13:46

Your husband has done this out of spite! If he wanted them gone, he could have taken them to the charity shop, to just bin them is plain spiteful!

Original poster
CakeyCake5 · 08/10/2022 13:49

My mum was abusive to me growing up. I’m usually good at stopping people from controlling me, but I have to work hard to spot that’s what’s happening since it was what i considered normal throughout my whole childhood. Have been holding off ob saying that as i don't want to be accused of drip feeding, but i think it might explain why i 'did what i was told'.

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 08/10/2022 13:52

You said you only have one bag of clothes in the garage but that it is fairly full.. What is it fairly full of, given nothing other than one bag has come from you?

Do you tend to store or hold onto things?

CheezePleeze · 08/10/2022 13:53

And also, because I’d agreed to keep them (at least for a while) for this other family. If that came to nothing, I’d then have donated elsewhere.

It did come to nothing. This was going on for weeks.

oakleaffy · 08/10/2022 13:54

Refugees probably have plenty of clothes, otherwise they’d have collected them.
I’d not want bags of clothes hanging about-
Far better to charity shop good quality clothing instead.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/10/2022 13:55

It's fucking ridiculous that he said you couldn't store stuff in the garage. Out of spite I'd take all his shit out the garage and leave the car on its own in there.