Too old, too fat?

[WoofWoofMooWoof]

I need somewhere to rant. I went for a job interview today at my DC's school - they know me there. I do what I can to help the school out whenever I am able. It is an Ofsted outstanding school and I've always had the biggest respect for the teachers there.

There are two positions and they only interviewed three people. It was an 'interview day' where we had a tour of the school, met the team etc, and were then interviewed separately. The whole thing took three hours. Me and another lady did the interview day together and the third lady was interviewed later, after school, so I didn't get to meet her. The other lady and I had quite a bit of time alone together in the staff room and we chatted a lot. She owned a restaurant which she sold to open a wine bar, and she only wanted the job so she wouldn't be bored during the day when the bar isn't open. She's never even been to the school before. I am a single mother desperate to find a job so I can feed my kids who are pupils at the school.

However, I am 51 and fat, and she's in her 40s, pretty and slender.

I thought the interview went very well (despite me having bad side effects from my second Covid booster earlier in the week).

Got a phone call from the head teacher this evening saying that I am employable, but I was unsuccessful because the other candidates were stronger and had experience working in a school. This despite the fact that I have 32 years admin experience and the other lady owns a bloody wine bar!

AIBU to be totally pissed off at him blatantly lying to me? To me it's very obvious they've decided to hire the younger, prettier model?

AIBU to have lost all respect for the school and the head?

I’ve skim read the thread but what screams out is your bad attitude and entitlement OP. That’s probably why you didn’t get the job.

Only YOU have decided thats what happened, frankly because your looking for something to blame.

This isnt a modelling job, no one was hired for being younger and slimmer.

You dont put age on a CV and it pretty had to judge the difference between a 40 something and 50 something and unless they took your measurement and stood you on a scale they dont really know your 'fat' either (at the same weight me a faux hourglass shape and my friend an apple shape looked COMPLETELY different) and 'looks' are subjective (some of the apparentely 'prettiest' women in the world wouldnt get a second glance from the on the street in real life).

Your just making shit up to find a reason to be mad when the truth is they just didnt deem your work experiance good enough and these other women are successful hardworkers who conducted themselves better in an interview... you win some, you lose some but move on.

@WoofWoofMooWoof The head may well have been a misogynistic prick that wanted the young pretty thing around the school, there is very little point in denying that that is a possibility however there’s bugger all you can do about it.

if you know in your heart you should lose weight lose weight because it will help you in the long term for health benefits. As for the job situation there are literally bloody thousands of them online working from home five days a week, do one of them for now.

A TA is in a school sounds like my idea of hell, other people‘s children shudder 🤢

i would look at your list of skills and qualifications and say to yourself that you are ultimately employable and go for other jobs elsewhere. Not eat yourself up about other peoples ages and appearance.

Rise above the blame game about how unfair it is that the recruiters didn't pick you and make certain you put yourself forward for roles where they pick you because you're the right person for their vacancy.

I am middle aged and fat. There are certain jobs that I would not apply for, as I believe the chances of my appearance is not fitting to the image the company wants to portray.

However, you can never fully know what experience other candidates might bring to a role. Your experience does sound great, but the transferable skills of the other woman (or an internal candidate you don’t know about) pipped you to the post.

YANBU to be disappointed. However you really don’t know the reasons why it wasn’t you as the person they chose. It feels shit not to get a job you want and need, but keep going, something else will come along.

Also, sometimes working in a school your children attend isn’t great because staff go out of their way to avoid situations where fellow staff picking your child for something important, eg big role in a concert, or winning an award, is scrutinised by other parents and that’s not a great place to be.

I started working at a school when I was 43 and definitely not slim , large would be kind. I was promoted 2 years ago older and fatter ! We have just recruited a lady older and larger than I am for a senior position.
I really don’t think your size is the problem. However possibly you may not have the right skill set or attitude for the jobs they were offering.
Move on and improve what you need to in order to get another job. Maybe offer to volunteer in a school to get more experience im one.

If what you're saying is true, then shops, offices, schools etc. would only have young, slim women working there 😏

You sound very judgey. You have NO idea about the other candidates complete working history, you only know what they said when you were there - but nothing of what was said in interview.

You pulled a knife on your child?? Or had some kind of incident with a knife involving your child?? If the school were aware of that then no wonder you didn’t get the job 🤷‍♀️
And just to clarify - having an autistic child in NO WAY makes any knife incident acceptable!

@WoofWoofMooWoof I'm afraid I agree with the school of thought that you sound a little bitter and over-focussed on the weight and age aspect. I'm not saying there are not certain employers out there who would prefer a slimmer, younger employee to represent their organisation but I think a back office job in a school would be one of them more like a serving/bar job at Hooters!

You've mentioned thar this is not the first time you've been turned down for a role, so I would be thinking more of getting professional help in polishing your CV and lining up 'practice' interviews. There are certain charities and government organisations out there who will help you with these things, and who will also help build your confidence and point you in the right direction of what roles you would be most suited to.

Instead of concentrating on your weight and age, work on your self-esteem and try turning your mind into a more positive mindset. A lot of employers can pick up on this kind of thing and it would be a turn off for most, I'm afraid

I should also add that being presentable in both looks and manner has nothing to do with age or weight!

Given the head said you are employable, you should ask if you were the reserve, the wine bar lady might not accept or stick at the post if she wants it out of boredom. You could also ask for specific feedback on where your skills did not match those of the successful candidates

@WoofWoofMooWoof Because for a jot of the jobs I've applied/interviewed for, I've had to go back to that company for some reason or another and seen the person appointed, and without exception they've all been young, slim and pretty.

Do you actually go back to everywhere you've interviewed to see who they took on? This sounds so weird. After you've been turned down for a job, for what reason would you need to go back - unless it was in retail or hospitality. But even then, how would you know which employee got 'your' job?

I am feeling like shit and that's why you all seem to think I come across as having an attitude. I'm fairly certain you're not your usual lovely selves when ill.

I may have overreacted a lot when I posted because of the way I'm feeling, but I didn't let that show during the interview 'day'. In fact, wine bar lady and I were chatting and saying how nice it is to be interviewed with someone reasonably close in age (ie not in their 20s). We agreed that we felt bad for having met each other and knowing that one of us would be successful and the other possibly not. I was upset because I wasn't feeling well and it would've been the perfect job - part time school hours, a short drive from home etc.

I was upset after the interview and I did say I needed to rant, which is what I did.
That is not my normal 'attitude' at all.

For goodness sakes - I am not entitled, I don't have a bad attitude, I am not a moaner or anything else. I am a calm person who is always there for others. I love to laugh and have a great sense of humour. It was just a bad day, and I reacted to it on here, where people don't know me.

Your issue here is that you seem to think your reasons for needing the job are important. They’re not. Or at least, not to the company hiring you.

The only thing the company hiring you should be considering is how well you’ll be able to do the job. There’s absolutely no logic in hiring someone to do a job that isn’t capable, even if they are “young and pretty”.

I’d suggest adjusting your outlook and addressing your own prejudices before you attend any more interviews.

If she hadn’t ever been employed before I can’t see how she had worked in a school

Ah sorry, wrong thread - not sure how I ended up here! Will report.

For goodness sakes - I am not entitled, I don't have a bad attitude, I am not a moaner or anything else. I am a calm person who is always there for others. I love to laugh and have a great sense of humour. It was just a bad day, and I reacted to it on here, where people don't know me.

You shouldn’t be surprised about the responses if you post a rant though. Being sick doesn’t usually suddenly change your personality. Saying you ‘need the job’ and the other lady didn’t, is entitled. If you didn’t mean it, where did the thought come from?

Step away from the post and take some of the good advice, to get independent advice on your interview skills and some help improving them.

I did NOT pull a knife on my child, and this was many many years ago. I know and accept it wasn't acceptable and I've spent years trying to make up for that, believe me. The school is not aware of it as they weren't even in high school when it happened. And what it was is that my DD had been threatening to kill me and her sister for months, almost on a daily basis. I had to lock all the knives away, and she said she'd find another way to kill us. It got to a point where I handed her a knife and said go on then, just kill me and get it over with. I know it was a horrible horrible thing to do and I was literally on my knees in front of her begging for forgiveness. It did break the cycle of her threats to kill us.

It is in the past and nothing even remotely like that has happened since and never will again.

Are they also more qualified, perhaps better educated and with more past experience (and maybe with less of a chip on their shoulder)?

Sorry you’re getting your arse handed to you OP. I wish you all the best in finding a lovely job very soon. Try to keep the faith! 💐

You need to work on yourself. You sound ridiculous.

I'm overweight, but I haven't got anywhere near the perspective you have about it.

My weight doesn't define me as a person.

Again I'll say - I'm not feeling well at all and I overreacted. I was feeling sorry for myself. I feel better now and realise how I came across.

I am doing something about my weight!

Wow so you’ve been a therapist, a photographer, a make up artist, a secretary, written IT packages and worked in programming AND owned your own business.

I think you come across as cocky and entitled. Maybe that’s why you didn’t get the job. You assumed the job was yours.