To think it’s weird to give your parents money

[NewKidOnTheBlock99]

So bit of a random one, but wondering other peoples thoughts…

I follow a money influencer on Instagram who shares her budgets, lifestyle costs etc. She has a full time role, plus freelances plus makes money via her Instagram. I don’t get the impression that she is ‘rolling in it’ as the whole point of the account is that she lives frugally and is quite candid about her finances. Im in a similar industry and would hazard a guess that her full time role is around £45-£65k p.a - she isn’t in london so could be less. Owns her property and lives alone and there’s no partner. She mentioned that her parents gifted her a couple of thousand and has also mentioned that they barely have anything left on their mortgage.

she said that she gives them a couple of hundred pounds a month to say thank you for raising her - now obviously without all the details (she could’ve been a nightmare) I find the idea of paying your parents for raising you SO bizarre….

just keen to hear others thoughts, is this weird when you’re on a pretty normal income?

also this doesn’t affect my life in any way shape or form, and realise there may be some context missing so be kind - just starting a conversation to hear other perspectives as I can’t get my head around it!

I do think there's a gap (might not even necessarily be cultural, but more ideological) when it comes to money and how it relates to 'independence'. Even amongst my white British friends, there isn't a standard agreement to how money and 'independence' is viewed.

Some believe that you should give your adult DC an allowance, help out with their deposit, not accept rent from them while they live with you to give them a massive head start not just on the property ladder but financially over their peers. Some believe that you should encourage them to move out ASAP, have them work part time while studying, charge them rent if they live at home to cultivate their independence. Both are valid schools of thought and will benefit their DCs in different ways.

The same logic goes for elderly parents.

Absolutely right. It meant that your husband could continue being a son and not a carer.

My husband buys his parents cars, and I suspect has also paid off their mortgage

wouldn't you surely know this?

I'm comfortable. My DM is piss poor. Am I supposed to not care ? Of course I give her money. As she would me if roles were reversed. Not because she "raised me" but because I love her.

It can be cultural, I have no idea who the influencer is as I don’t ascribe to watching the minutiae of a random on the Internet. Just like in the culture I am from old peoples homes are rarely used and parents move in with children and multi generational houses are common and again when people have children they are sometimes left with grandparents sometimes across the other side of the world. Just like my brother studied in America for his PhD and there was no judgement even though his wife and child were left back in Taiwan, she lived with her parents who helped and she finished her PhD there. He got a fully funded PhD at an American University.

My brother paid for private healthcare for our Father which cost a lot of money as he had a few operations.

My mum started work at 15 and gave her unopened pay packet to her parents every week until she got married, then she gave it to her husband. She worked until she had kids then had to stop as no childcare options at that time. She was out of work for much longer than expected as my sister had a long term health condition. When she got back to work (Mminimum wage) dad was an extremely high earner and told her it was her pocket money, she had never paid a bill. Same old story...after 40 years he was caught cheating and left her in a mess screwing her over in the divorce. Thanks to her I got an education, a decent job and a total grasp of financial independance. I will help her as much as I can fir as long as she needs. It's less now I have a family of my own but as much as I can afford.

Once again, I feel like you’re twisting what I’ve said to suit your narrative to be offended and to lord it over me that you’re extremely worldly sensitive and I’m ignorant. I never said this person from this culture does this and it’s weird. i.e finding a cultural difference - weird which is ofc offensive and narrow minded just to find something you don’t understand weird because it’s different. It came out after my original post that the reason behind the action is likely cultural.

my op was this person under with this specific context gives their parents a monthly stipend for this specific reason. I find this scenario weird. I think you posted your own experience of giving a parent money and it’s wildly different from the original situation I posted. I.e parents who seemingly have money (maybe on my own ignorant assumption) are paid a monthly stipend by their child for raising them when they are seemingly on an average wage.

Also before anyone jumps on the average wage comment - I realise the amount I posted for this person is probably a lot higher then most people earn! So therefore not average - let’s call it a not ridiculously high wage I.e hundreds of thousands

It depends on culture as well. In some cultures it’s the norm for the oldest son to send money back home to his parents. I’ve found this the norm in people from poorer countries. I personally don’t agree with it as it places a heavy financial burden on one person who basically has to support their parents no matter what their own financial situation is but in a lot of countries it’s seen as the norm.

Used the word norm a lot!!

Nothing wrong with it I suppose. If the adult child can afford it, and the parents are quite poor, and maybe struggling. I would worry the parents may become dependent on it though. Helping out sometimes is OK, but a regular £200 a month is a bit odd IMO. Personally, hell would freeze over before I would take a PENNY off my DD. My DH feels the same. Just no.

She buys the odd costa when we go in, and the odd pub lunch when me and her go to the pub. But when me and DH get her and her fiancé around for a Chinese or Indian takeaway, me and DH pay. Same if we go for a meal. We pay. Doesn't sit well with me letting her pay very often.

That doesn't mean I think badly of people who DO let their adult children pay for stuff though. It's just me.

My parents were quite poor and had very little surplus income, especially after my dad became ill and had to take early retirement at 59. So I used to 'treat' them to lunch and meals out and never let them pay, and I bought them a new TV, and a new stereo, and I always gave them a big hamper with most of what they needed for Christmas. Used to get them a bottle of whiskey once a month too. And one time, I paid a massive energy bill they were struggling to pay. (They got a big amount owing, and were struggling to get straight, so I cleared the balance.)

Dad felt a bit weird about it as he had always been the sole provider throughout 44-45 years of working, but I had much more money than them at the time, so it was a pleasure to help them out.

I’ve been forced to pay my parents bills a few times due to their irresponsible behaviour - it is t a nice feeling at all. What a luxury to find it an impossible thought.

Another one, not read the OP properly or just wilfully ignoring the context.

If you think that lots of people are 'twisting your words' then perhaps the problem isn't them, it's the words you chose to use. You decided to dismiss something as 'weird' that for many, many people is a cultural norm or a financial necessity.

My mum would give us the last bit of food out of her mouth and wouldn't take anything in return. So I take her out for dinner and buy her treats, then she transfers the money into my account. I'm 54 but she still thinks I need looked after lol.

So when I created my original post, I wasn’t aware that it was most likely cultural to give your parents who are financially comfortable money as a thank you. I have since said I can understand why people may find the use of the word ‘weird’ offensive when it is a cultural practice. Also the cultural aspect is still an assumption - unless I ask this specific person why they do it, we’ll actually never know. I never said to give your parents money in general or because they are struggling is weird & if you can quote where I said this in my original post I would be quite happy to eat my words. But like everyone else who is offended by what I’ve said you can’t because that’s not what I said. I wrote about a specific situation with specific context and asked if it was weird. A fair few people have agreed.

I know about the cars, the mortgage I suspect because it was just before we met. But yes I’m pretty sure about that also. He wants no recognition about any of this stuff so I only know from his father telling me.

I do, but mainly to repay some of the costs of having my DC over through the years. It was important to me to be able to do this once my career got off the ground.

If I was ever in a financial situation where I could improve the lives of those I love around me then I don’t see why I wouldn’t.

@Ponderingwindow "I’ve always viewed parents taking money from children is a sign of failure."

Well I give my parents lots of money, holidays, buy them whatever they need.

I grew up in the 80s in the north. Every factory my dad worked in closed down. By the time I was 14 he'd been made redundant 5 times. He then suffered mental ill health as a result of several traumatic life events (one being the murder of a family member). I saw my parents cry when they couldn't pay bills and pawn sentimental jewellery to fund essential repairs. I didn't have a holiday after I was 12 and only went abroad for the first time as an adult. My folks are now too old to work and are piss poor. Little accumulated for retirement.

Whilst that may be failure to you, it's misfortune to me. They raised me incredibly well and I was 1st generation to attend university. I got a City job earning comfortably 6 figures. Of course I'm going to help them out. I see me as their greatest success and will treat them - with my money - accordingly.

My siblings were obsessed with paying my parents back and did a collection every year to deliver a spectacular gift. Not sure it was a thank you gift - we had a fairly neglectful childhood. My parents are very comfortable.
So they got...
New Kitchen
New Doors and skirt
New Wooden Floors through the house
The list went on - I got a phone call from my sister when we were in the middle of a big renovation asking for £2k for a new car for our parents - I hadn't planned for the spend and I said no I can't do this. A week later Mum phoned me to tell me about the lovely new car the rest of the family had bought them - she said she knew I hadn't contributed but she understood (it sounded like a swipe). I'm still annoyed about it.
Then my mum started planning for a new sofa - I asked her what was wrong with her current sofa - she said she fancied a change...I told her I had the same sofa for 15 years and I didn't really understand her need to have new things all the time.
Don't quite understand the fucked up thinking of the big gifts, we're all well off but it all felt a bit tasteless, weird and showy. I said no to future big presents a few years ago...which made me a bit of an outcast - and that's ok (now).

I give my mum money each month just so that she can survive. We are a low income family but our house is paid for whereas my mum is having to pay rent to a private landlord from her pension. We dress it up as paying her to have DS (2) overnight once a month, but in reality I never gave my parents a penny when they had my eldest overnight regularly.

I suppose these circumstances are quite different to the ones described in the OP though.

@caringcarer that is lovely of you both. Just wanted to let you know that if you’re on pension credit- the guaranteed type you are eligible for a lot of other benefits, one of them being not having to pay council tax.

This!

I completely understand your initial point OP and I agree with you. I am British and I think culturally in the UK parents pass things/money down to their children.

Obviously, as you have said many many times for the hard of hearing , there are reasons for wealth to pass in the other direction at times, but I honestly don't think this is the norm in the UK (if I can generalise).

I don't think you've been offensive at all, but as you should expect on MN, there are always those who love to go looking to be offended 🤷‍♀️. I don't find this to be the case in the real world, thank goodness.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with different cultural norms though. In psychology, the differences between individualistic cultures and collectivist cultures makes interesting reading.