To think it’s weird to give your parents money

[NewKidOnTheBlock99]

So bit of a random one, but wondering other peoples thoughts…

I follow a money influencer on Instagram who shares her budgets, lifestyle costs etc. She has a full time role, plus freelances plus makes money via her Instagram. I don’t get the impression that she is ‘rolling in it’ as the whole point of the account is that she lives frugally and is quite candid about her finances. Im in a similar industry and would hazard a guess that her full time role is around £45-£65k p.a - she isn’t in london so could be less. Owns her property and lives alone and there’s no partner. She mentioned that her parents gifted her a couple of thousand and has also mentioned that they barely have anything left on their mortgage.

she said that she gives them a couple of hundred pounds a month to say thank you for raising her - now obviously without all the details (she could’ve been a nightmare) I find the idea of paying your parents for raising you SO bizarre….

just keen to hear others thoughts, is this weird when you’re on a pretty normal income?

also this doesn’t affect my life in any way shape or form, and realise there may be some context missing so be kind - just starting a conversation to hear other perspectives as I can’t get my head around it!

@Ponderingwindow I’ve always viewed parents taking money from children is a sign of failure.

How sad that you would think this. Nobody knows if, when or how financial hardship comes about for anyone, regardless of whether they are parents or not. Let's hope you never have to learn whether your kids would have the same attitude as you if you ever found yourself in need of assistance

My mum is in her 80s and living off a v small pension. I give her enough to cover her bills so she doesn't have to worry about putting the heating on or not being able to replace an appliance of it breaks down. We can afford it and I would feel guilty if I didn't help out. It's not about giving her money for raising me it's about looking after the ones you love

@antelopevalley We gave me father in law money for about a year to continue paying carers. He had used all his savings and would only have got the bare minimum from the state. Continuing paying the extra hours also meant we did not need to step in and do some care.

I was thinking what a lovely and kind post this was...until I read the very last bit!

I’m always tapping my dad money these days. But he’s always been on call to tow me home if I’ve broke down, to take an angle grinder to my down pipes and clear a blockage, to fix whatever I need doing why my husband has been away so I don’t mind

If my parents needed it I would happily give them money but luckily they planned for retirement so seem to be doing okay. I don't know the ins and outs of their finances.

I can't even get my parents to let me buy them a cup of coffee, they always insist on treating me. So I find these parents who expect their kids to support them bizarre.

@Devon01 Simply being truthful. We continued visiting him and taking him out regularly. But we did not have to do any of the practical care.
Otherwise we would have had to do shopping, putting things away, housework, washing and drying, taking him to hospital appointments, collecting medication and loads more. We both work full time and have our own children and I am carer for another relative.

If we had had to supplement FIL care ourselves, there is no way we could have sat and talked to him or taken him out. We just would not have had the time. As it was our life was very full on already.

In our family the money flows in the direction of need.

@Selttan It is not about expectations. My FIL had quite substantial savings but lived way longer than he expected to. He openly said that.
Would you really watch one of your parents struggling financially when you could help?

Which is why I said if my parents needed it I'd happily help.

But there are plenty of parents out there who have relied on their children as their retirement fund instead of helping themselves. I have a family member whose one but their childs wised up and cut contact.

It can be normal in some Chinese families (but obviously a lot of variation as there are millions of families in different parts of the world). There is a big culture of respecting your elders and looking after them when they get old.

In some cases the parents have contributed significantly to the child’s private and/or uni education and/or house deposit. They might also look after grandchildren. It’s also normal for adult children (in 30s or 40s - with their own partner and kids) to all live with their parents or elderly parents to move in with their child’s family.

in past generations, it would be normal for the older children to do stuff like give money to parents to help with their younger siblings’ education (nowadays families much smaller and age gap between siblings smaller).

I think it's weird to give it as a 'thank you for raising me' kind of thing but if I had the money, I would certainly be buying my folks things, paying off the mortgage ect ect

It's cultural. It's personal. So YABU to think it's weird @NewKidOnTheBlock99.

What do you mean by ‘failure’? Poverty resulting from a poor education, low literacy, few choices, or possibly from ill health?

Luck, stubbornness and feminism have meant I have far more money than my parents, who both left school at 13 and worked hard in poorly-paid manual jobs. They are not ‘failures’. They are poor.

I used to do this but unbeknownst to DM I won’t be doing it again. My DB is in his 40s and still lives at home mooching off her. She says she struggles so every so often I gave her a few hundred. However, I found out she resented when my dad gave my DD some money for her birthday. Also the last time I gave her money she didn’t say thank you so she won’t be getting any more money from me.

My mum was a single mum, and raised me and my 4 siblings by herself. She worked 2 cleaning jobs and went without so that we could have the best chance in life. I went to uni and then have had a decent career. I think nothing of giving her money as needed to help out, and could never watch her financially struggle.

Her life was in no way a failure, she raised 5 tax paying kids, who’ve more than contributed to society, as well as cared for our dear mum.

I'd see it the other way around. If parents manage to raise children who are well-off, generous and have a strong sense of family, I'd say they've been extremely successful as parents. Plenty of people are in poverty later in life and if their children are able to help and don't, that seems far more shameful, just as it would be pretty unpleasant for a parent to watch their adult child suffer but refuse to help them because they are old enough to be independent.

I remember getting slated on here when I said my SIL wanted all her siblings to give money to her ( reasonably well off) mother and I didn't agree and said I would prefer it to go to kids that are trying to get started in life!

Surely, it should go both ways and families just help eachother out when in need according to their financial situations.

I've always viewed parents taking money from their children as a sign of failure

Funny, for me it's always been the other way round. - I find the permanent infantalisation of adult children deeply pathetic. I guess it's cultural.

I help my parents regularly ,- as others have said, it's about love and respect. They worked 2 manual jobs each and had v little to bring us up. But I did well at uni, got a good job and career and can afford to book the days out, meals etc and so I do. I buy extra things in my Tesco shop and just leave quietly in the kitchen,.and I paid the end of their mortgage when my dad became ill so they didn't worry.

We don't really talk about it, but it's just love isn't it.

@caringcarer I hope that as your MIL is on Pension Credit, she also claiming Council Tax benefit?

I understand it if the child earns more than the parents and / or the parents need the help, but it’s doesn’t seem right to me for parents to take money from their kids if they can manage without it.
My own parents are definitely more likely to give me money than take it from me though.

I voted yabu because it’s often a cultural thing.

I think helping your parents out if they are struggling is a nice thing to do if they are struggling. However preaching about it on instgram is a bit odd and would make the parents feel awful if they found out.

My parents wouldn't accept any money and would rather cut their cloth according to how much they had. My in laws however rely on us to pay their mortgage etc with little to no thanks. Everyone's situation is different, and it's usually best to stick to the rule that it's rude to count other peoples money and not your business.