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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s weird to give your parents money

151 replies

NewKidOnTheBlock99 · 08/10/2022 00:20

So bit of a random one, but wondering other peoples thoughts…

I follow a money influencer on Instagram who shares her budgets, lifestyle costs etc. She has a full time role, plus freelances plus makes money via her Instagram. I don’t get the impression that she is ‘rolling in it’ as the whole point of the account is that she lives frugally and is quite candid about her finances. Im in a similar industry and would hazard a guess that her full time role is around £45-£65k p.a - she isn’t in london so could be less. Owns her property and lives alone and there’s no partner. She mentioned that her parents gifted her a couple of thousand and has also mentioned that they barely have anything left on their mortgage.

she said that she gives them a couple of hundred pounds a month to say thank you for raising her - now obviously without all the details (she could’ve been a nightmare) I find the idea of paying your parents for raising you SO bizarre….

just keen to hear others thoughts, is this weird when you’re on a pretty normal income?

also this doesn’t affect my life in any way shape or form, and realise there may be some context missing so be kind - just starting a conversation to hear other perspectives as I can’t get my head around it!

OP posts:
MakeTheWholeWideWorldGoAway · 08/10/2022 07:31

I think it's cultural. My exDP's parents paid her way through uni, gave her hundreds of pounds every month so she didn't have to work while studying, paid for her first house. And now that she's in her 30s she gives them a monthly sum (they didn't ask) to supplement their pension so they can travel the world and live as carefree a life as she did.

Twym886192 · 08/10/2022 07:31

If I could afford to retire my mum, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Why? So she can enjoy her life a bit more, to treat herself or help contribute to her bills. In our culture, it's an expectation to give your parents money. If not monthly then on occasions such as birthdays, Christmas etc ...
And it Is to say thank you in a way. I find it very surprising that others find it odd. What would you not give your parents, grandparents money if you could afford it 🤷‍♀️

ChakaKhanfan · 08/10/2022 07:33

I would do this for my mom if I could. She is a widow and used my dads life insurance money to pay off the mortgage but she is just on a very basic nhs clerical staff salary and has no savings. It does worry me, but she wouldn’t take money off me, so I try to just make sure she has enough to spoil herself at Christmas and birthdays and so on.

I would love to send her monthly amounts, I would take as much pleasure in helping her, as she does in helping me.

ClaudineClare · 08/10/2022 07:33

rocketfromthecrypt · 08/10/2022 06:32

I give my parents money because if I didn't, they wouldn't be able to pay their bills. Mum is dad's carer. I'm not rolling in it but I'm not going to see them have their electricity cut off. Thanks for making me feel like a weirdo.

You're not a weirdo. I used to pay for a particular bill of my mum's and buy her shopping now and then after she retired. She was on pension credit and didn't have much spare cash. I actually wish I'd given her more tbh (she died a few years ago).

vdbfamily · 08/10/2022 07:35

There is another thread where someone's DH gives his mum£600 a month. Their income is not astronomical and mum has £100000 in savings. I think that is very odd but maybe he thinks he will inherit it all one day so it is an investment. Who knows?

Twym886192 · 08/10/2022 07:36

Also whoever say it was a failure for parents to accept money from their children needs to be a bit more open minded. If anything, I think it says alot about a person who can afford to and doesn't give their parents anything. (Assuming they had a good relationship, trauma and abuse free).

butterfliedtwo · 08/10/2022 07:43

rocketfromthecrypt · 08/10/2022 06:32

I give my parents money because if I didn't, they wouldn't be able to pay their bills. Mum is dad's carer. I'm not rolling in it but I'm not going to see them have their electricity cut off. Thanks for making me feel like a weirdo.

You're not a weirdo. It's lovely what you're doing. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

Lozzybear · 08/10/2022 07:44

I’ve had to give my dad money for essential items that he cannnot afford (such as a new boiler). He’s terrible with money and after my mum died he spent all the savings my mum had carefully accumulated. However, I couldn’t let him freeze. But he thinks DH and I are a cash cow and is always wrangling for more (e.g. to pay for a holiday). We have paid for him to come on holiday with us so he can spend time with his GCs but we refuse to fund a holiday for him alone.

YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 08/10/2022 07:48

Pleased to see that others have already responded so sensibly to PonderingWindow 's "failure" comment. Thank goodness it's not just me who doesn't see poverty or hard times as a "failure", wtaf!? You must be incredibly privileged and insulated from the real world in order not to see how men and women who have worked hard all their lives and sacrificed a great deal raising their families might not still find themselves in financial hardship in old age.
It's this kind of comment with its evident lack of imagination and empathy-fail that brings home to me why we are in this dire situation in the UK.

Chickadeeeeeee · 08/10/2022 07:49

@NewKidOnTheBlock99 can you say who the influencer is as I'm curious and want to check her page out. You can DM if you can't put it in the thread. Thank you

justasking111 · 08/10/2022 07:51

We helped my divorced mother out for years. £200 pcm. Paid for her holidays to Italy and USA. what I didn't realize was that my father as well as giving her what the courts decreed was also giving her most of his private pension and was living very frugally. It all came out when he died.

BUT I think helping out parents is the thing to do in normal circumstances

BeautifulWar · 08/10/2022 07:52

I’ve always viewed parents taking money from children is a sign of failure.

So bloody harsh. You have no idea what goes on in other people's lives or what their circumstances are!

Minimalme · 08/10/2022 07:53

Op said the influencers parents we comfortably off.

At no point has she tried to make anyone feel bad about financially supporting parents who need the help. Or tried to shame people who struggle financially.

I find it interesting how many have reacted defensively when their situation is completely different.

Weird.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 08/10/2022 07:53

I assume her parents don't accept the money unless they really need it, so YABU. We help DPs parents each month and my parents when they need it. They are not failures. My parents sacrificed so much financially by adopting 4 children over 6 years to keep my siblings and I together.

AnotherFuzzyJumper · 08/10/2022 07:54

In Asian cultures it's very common to send money to parents, even if it's just a token amount as 'thanks'.

Noteverybodylives · 08/10/2022 08:07

I know many cultures do this.

If I could afford it then I would definitely do it as they’ve lent me the odd £10 here and there over the years and so it would be nice to pay them back.

hattie43 · 08/10/2022 08:09

I am conflicted over this in that my parents need helping out but they've not been the best and they are struggling because one of them refuses to cut down on a very expensive hobby , and secondly it's not like they were low earners but find themselves poor in retirement because they've squandered every penny they had .
Also as another poster said they are starting to ' expect ' help without any acknowledgment of why the hard in their situation .
I could help a lot more than I do but they've been totally selfish emotionally and financially over the years so there is an element of why should I from me .

PeanuttyButter · 08/10/2022 08:09

I buy my parents stuff they need and can't afford when I can. I send them cash for petrol etc so they don't feel like they need to stay in the house. We grew up with very little money and my parents always sacrificed for me. They still sacrifice now and would give me the shirt off their backs if I needed it. If I have spare money and they don't I share it because they would do the same with me. How can I enjoy the things I have if I'm then watching them struggle

BloobryMuffin · 08/10/2022 08:12

Maybe the gift from her parents for the deposit wasn’t a gift, it was a loan, but the signed to the bank to say it was a loan so she can hardly now say they’re repayments on a public forum without admitting to fraud…

Iammatrix · 08/10/2022 08:13

I think it's really 'weird' to think that giving parents money if they need it is 'weird'. Not all parents are as wealthy or as self sufficient as OPs.

OP think about your post.

Consider maybe, that your view of the world is limited to your demographic and see that outside of that there is a diversity of ways of living and the ways in which other families and cultures live.

It doesn't hurt you know, your way is fine for you, that's good but just because others do things differently, it doesn't make them 'weird', especially in relation to something as essential as finance and cost of living.

Sceptre86 · 08/10/2022 08:14

It's not common in white British culture so assuming you are from that culture it would seem odd to you. For me with an asian background it isn't odd at all but it wouldn't be as thanks for raising me, more to help them out as they get older. I don't help my parents financially, I'm not in a position too beyond meals out but my brother can and does. So he paid for my dad's car and mum's mobile. My dad is proud and won't take money easily but he's done a lot for us over the years and still does, it's nice to treat him. I find it more weird when grown adults take money from their parents, unless I was on the bare bones of my arse I wouldn't!

RelativePitch · 08/10/2022 08:15

I give my DM £200 a month and have done for 10 years. It's my way of acknowledging everything she does for us and her DGSs. She only lives up the road from us and has been like a third parent with all that that entails. As well as all the love and time she gives, she'll buy them clothes from time to time, washes and irons their clothes, take them on trips out, takes them on holiday, meals out, heats her massive house properly when they stay over, drives them to their activities, has them over for dinner once or twice a week etc...She didn't want the payment, but I insisted. It's probably a drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of things.

Toyingyu · 08/10/2022 08:26

None of our parents (bio and step) have ever accepted money from us. They're all better off than us. I'm sure my MIL would take any money offered but she certainly wouldn't deserve it or need it.

I have seen her write that before and did find it odd but assumed it was cultural.

We do get a lot of money from my mam and stepdad. They buy us food shopping every week, not all of it but probably about £50 worth a week. It started as the kids eat very specific things like innocent smoothies which are very expensive and we wouldn't buy them regularly. They can very easily afford it and it doesn't seem odd now as it's been going on so long. She does it for all the grandchildren.

Georgeskitchen · 08/10/2022 08:28

I'm not sure why anyone should he thanking their parents for bringing them up. If you bring children into the world you have an obligation to Them, not the other way round!!
My dad was born in the 1920s into extreme poverty and me and my siblings were reminded on a daily basis how grateful we should be to have food on the table and a roof over our heads. I so wanted to remind my parents that I didn't actually ask to be born but I never did because I knew I would be rewarded with a thick ear 😉

Original poster
NewKidOnTheBlock99 · 08/10/2022 08:29

Iammatrix · 08/10/2022 08:13

I think it's really 'weird' to think that giving parents money if they need it is 'weird'. Not all parents are as wealthy or as self sufficient as OPs.

OP think about your post.

Consider maybe, that your view of the world is limited to your demographic and see that outside of that there is a diversity of ways of living and the ways in which other families and cultures live.

It doesn't hurt you know, your way is fine for you, that's good but just because others do things differently, it doesn't make them 'weird', especially in relation to something as essential as finance and cost of living.

You know NOTHING about my background? I’m certainly not from one of privilege in the slightest. But yes, although being from a disadvantage background - quite considerably actually my parents are self sufficient. So maybe that’s why I do find it weird? Which it’s perfectly fine to be curious about things and open conversations to learn. Your judgmental nasty comment says more about you then my original post says about me.

OP posts:
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