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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that DH could do this as one off

149 replies

Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 22:43

I’ve got to be in work next Thursday at 5am as a one off due to us hosting an early morning film shoot (I work in PR). It’s not a regular thing, it’s a one off. DH is kicking off about having to sort the kids out that morning and take them to school before he goes to work. Aibu to think he should just get on with it as a one off? I have to sort the kids out and take them to school before work every morning.

OP posts:
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 08/10/2022 09:39

If posters want to bang on about double standards how about popping over to the thread on step parenting where a SM is taking an interest in supporting her DH in him wanting his DD to consider a 2nd choice for high school in case 1st choice (that both mum & dad agree on) doesn't come good, and is firmly being told by several posters that it's none of her business, she's not the parent? Treat them like your own, but only when it's convenient Hmm

Having said that I think OP's DH is being unreasonable not to help as a one-off, I can and did help with my own DSC but wouldn't have been happy if my help had been taken for granted.

Hearthnhome · 08/10/2022 09:46

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 08/10/2022 09:39

If posters want to bang on about double standards how about popping over to the thread on step parenting where a SM is taking an interest in supporting her DH in him wanting his DD to consider a 2nd choice for high school in case 1st choice (that both mum & dad agree on) doesn't come good, and is firmly being told by several posters that it's none of her business, she's not the parent? Treat them like your own, but only when it's convenient Hmm

Having said that I think OP's DH is being unreasonable not to help as a one-off, I can and did help with my own DSC but wouldn't have been happy if my help had been taken for granted.

So If a poster has an opinion on one step parent thread. Or an opinion on step parent threads in general, they need to on every step parent thread and put an opinion you want them to?

Beaides which, helping your partner out with child care occasionally and picking a school are 2 completely different things. Do you not see a difference?

But I would guess if the op is just supporting their partners wishes, they absolutely should do that. I haven’t seen that thread on my active page. So why would I have gone on it??

Not sure why a person having an opinion ‘of yes, I agree with my husband on this’ is sticking their nose in or controversial.

billy1966 · 08/10/2022 09:57

SRS29 · 08/10/2022 09:26

OP just out of interest how can you live with someone who refers to the children as 'not his kids'? I appreciate strictly speaking they are not but if you are living together as a family unit do you not help each other? Just sounds a bit sad really 🙁......I hope the kids are not aware of his attitude

Of course they know that their mother has put a bellend ahead of them and that he just tolerates them.

They ALWAYS know.

They also judge mothers like this very harshly when they grow up too.

They know that the bellend was more important than them when they were young, why else would she move in and marry a man who views them as HER kids.

Awful.
Poor children.

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2022 10:47

The children are 7,9 and 11 so he wouldn't even have to do that much for them I presume?!!!
Awful.

Runrunlikethewind · 08/10/2022 10:50

rainbowstardrops · 08/10/2022 10:47

The children are 7,9 and 11 so he wouldn't even have to do that much for them I presume?!!!
Awful.

He would have to be with them in the morning and take them to school, and potentially help them with breakfast, they get dressed themselves by the way

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2022 10:56

Why are you with this selfish fucker ?

I presume when you got together you made it clear that you and your kids came as a package, yeah ?

HeythereDelilah101 · 08/10/2022 11:00

Anyone who says not his kids not his problem need to give their head a wobble. He lives with you and your kids, he took them on as his step kids by choice, so yes as a one off he should do it without complaining.

elephantseal · 08/10/2022 11:13

Hmm. He's backtracking now as he doesn't want to look bad!

So he doesn't do his share of the housework? What a surprise!

Maybe it's time for a talk with him about doing his share, and pulling his weight? He doesn't sound very nice or supportive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2022 11:14

This is really bad OP. Even though they're not his kids/ responsibility etc....he is your husband, you're meant to be a team, and you've asked for a fairly minor favour in the grand scheme of things...he should be helping out! Not kicking off and making it conditional (well you better not wake me up etc). Its one morning.

alloutofcareunits · 08/10/2022 13:37

I find this really awful! I think if you live in the same home as the kids then you take on responsibility for them, it isn't comparable to being a step mother where the dad has them eow for example. My DD was 3 when I married my DH 22 years ago, there's absolutely nothing he wouldn't do to help me or her, when he married me he realised he was taking on both of us. Your kids must realise he sees them as an inconvenience that isn't his 'problem'. Id seriously end a relationship if this was his attitude.

Herejustforthisone · 08/10/2022 14:01

Well isn’t he just a total let down? Chuck him on the mountainous pile of disappointing and inadequate men I read about in here. So bleak.

rwalker · 08/10/2022 14:12

Sounds like you’ve said yes knowing it would be a problem with his work

Derbee · 08/10/2022 14:50

Runrunlikethewind · 08/10/2022 09:02

He’s also just moaned that he thinks I’ll wake him up when I get up and get ready to be in work for 5am

I would ABSOLUTELY wake him up when I was getting ready. Lights on, drawers opening, hairdryer going etc etc.

What an absolute areshole. I don’t think I could see a future with someone so selfish. It’s one morning that he needs to help with the kids (when he SHOULD be helping with the kids regularly anyway!!!!) Wanker

Derbee · 08/10/2022 14:52

rwalker · 08/10/2022 14:12

Sounds like you’ve said yes knowing it would be a problem with his work

She said yes because it’s required for HER WORK.

Pathetic to imply that his work is more important. It’s one morning, and he has an “understanding boss”. It clearly wouldn’t be a problem. As he’s now demonstrating by backtracking when OP’s friend has agreed to come.

A FRIEND will help you out, but your PARTNER won’t? That says it all.

Testina · 08/10/2022 14:53

I know people start threads about MN being too quick to shout LTB.

But he wouldn’t do one favour for you?

What’s the point of him?

FrancescaContini · 08/10/2022 14:56

Haven’t RTFT but you’re married to a big baby.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 08/10/2022 15:04

Runrunlikethewind · 08/10/2022 09:03

Going to have to get up at about half 3 in the morning, maybe quarter to 4

you've been together 5 years
You're married

he's still calling them YOUR kids & not wanting to do things as part of a family. Fuck that. Seriously he can go back this mummy's.

if you haven't kicked him
out before then, you won't be getting up quietly will you?!?!

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/10/2022 15:09

Remember this the next time he needs a favour.

ShahRukhKhan · 08/10/2022 15:38

You know the answer to this. My husband would suggest he helps out without any prompting from me. Actually, he would have always been helping me out with it without having to be asked. We're a team and we want to make things easier for each other. You deserve that too.

JulesCobb · 08/10/2022 16:33

Runrunlikethewind · 08/10/2022 09:18

In terms of money yes but not in terms of housework

Why is he doing no housework?

billy1966 · 08/10/2022 16:36

Derbee · 08/10/2022 14:52

She said yes because it’s required for HER WORK.

Pathetic to imply that his work is more important. It’s one morning, and he has an “understanding boss”. It clearly wouldn’t be a problem. As he’s now demonstrating by backtracking when OP’s friend has agreed to come.

A FRIEND will help you out, but your PARTNER won’t? That says it all.

Yep,

A friend would help her but not the man she has foisted on her children.

My old friends mother married a man like this, not abusive but certainly not kind to her and and her brother.

Her mother ran after him despite having an excellent career.
Him and his grumpy moods, humouring him and his comforts ALWAYS came first.

My friend went off to Uni and lived away only coming home very occasionally and never she stayed at home, only with friends.

She married and returned about 30 minutes from her mothers home.

She was visiting one day with her first newborn who started to cry, and her step father started sighing and muttering.

My friend got up, gathered her bits and told her mother she would NEVER set foot inside her home again and she wasn't pushed if she ever saw her again either, she was never going to be made feel uncomfortable in her step father's company again.

Of course she was told she was being unreasonable and completely over reacting, but it was 20 years coming.

That was 25 years ago and she has never been in her step fathers company again.
She has kept her mother at a real distance since, definitely not seeing her more than every couple of years.

Her mother chose him above her and her brother and my friend feels no regret now with the consequences she has enforced.

Her brother is less unforgiving but he too rarely sees them as he lives in Australia.

He come home every few years and stays with my friend, but they don't ever have family gatherings.

Another dear friend of mine had her father marry a witch and he then died within a decade and her mothers money, which was substantial, all passed out of her family.

She remembers her father as a fool and that her mother must have turned in her grave at his stupidity.

Both these parents utterly failed their vulnerable children by choosing a simply awful partner who had zero interest in the children and caring for them.

Shameful and selfish.

MrsAmaretto · 08/10/2022 16:42

goodness, what on earth are you doing with a spouse like this?

Alleycat1 · 08/10/2022 16:45

I knew that my DH had a daughter when we got together. His only child and the apple of his eye. I have always tried to treat her as if she were my own and I really can't imagine loving her more. Surely treating stepchildren as if they were your own is the only decent way to behave? Op's partner is barely tolerating her children by the sound of it and doesn't seem to consider them family. Not a very nice man.

ThreeblackCats · 08/10/2022 16:50

I presume you take on the majority of housework, cooking and meal planning, shopping, laundry, household admin etc.

His behaviour would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I’d be telling him “of course I won’t wake you at 3am when I get up for work, because you will have moved out by then. Sorry but your shitty attitude has given me the ick and I don’t think we will recover from this”

I’m raging for you op.

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