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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH could do this as one off

149 replies

Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 22:43

I’ve got to be in work next Thursday at 5am as a one off due to us hosting an early morning film shoot (I work in PR). It’s not a regular thing, it’s a one off. DH is kicking off about having to sort the kids out that morning and take them to school before he goes to work. Aibu to think he should just get on with it as a one off? I have to sort the kids out and take them to school before work every morning.

OP posts:
AtomicBlondeRose · 07/10/2022 23:50

I’ve been with DP a similar length of time and we live together. I do most of the child-ferrying as a matter of course as they’re my DC but he will most definitely step in and take them even when it’s inconvenient to him. I’ll usually do my best to rearrange or organise myself so he doesn’t have to but if he does have to, he has to! And he’ll do it.

Discovereads · 07/10/2022 23:51

JulesCobb · 07/10/2022 23:48

Yanbu op and id be seriously looking carefully at what he brings to the lives of you and your children.

i never get people who come on to threads like this and talk about ‘double standards’. You would have to be thick as pig shit to not understand the differences. You’d have to not know anything about life before the 90’s to think it is the same for women as it is for men. i mean, instead of saying ‘double standard’ just say you do not have a brain. Or better still, just don't say anything. It is embarrassing. Every time.

Good thing pig shit isn’t thick at all. You obviously do not know your shit.

The difference is only one: are you a stepmum or a stepdad?

SRS29 · 08/10/2022 00:00

OP you know the correct answer...honestly why ask?

BitOutOfPractice · 08/10/2022 00:03

User87543 · 07/10/2022 22:47

I can see his point if him taking them to school would have the potential to result in him being late for work

Unless he’s a surgeon or Martin Lewis it doesn’t matter if he’s late once surely.

Badgirlriri · 08/10/2022 00:04

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:15

1000's posts like this on the step parents thread where the step mum has moaned about being asked to do things for SC. Almost every response is to tell them to do absolutely nothing, not their responsibility etc and claiming that the dads are only with them for free childcare etc

Fwiw I personally think your DP is being a dickhead bit just frustrated at the double standards in the threads depending on whether it's a step mum or stepdad

Yes, I bet many posters were torn! If they spout their usual “not your kids, not your problem” that means they’re defending a MAN.

Ultimately, most posters hatred of men won the battle and they chose him to be selfish instead.

Badgirlriri · 08/10/2022 00:05

And I agree… he should do it as a one off!

NoSquirrels · 08/10/2022 00:11

If he won’t, what’s your plan? How old are the DC?

MarieKlepto · 08/10/2022 00:17

A one off. That may be a slight inconvenience to enable a spouse to fulfill a work commitment. Ridiculous to kick off. So many posts on here these days at people taking gross offence at being asked to do the slightest thing that may help someone else and being told they are absolutely correct in their attitude vs. posters being walked all over and told they are rather nasty people who need to suck it up.

Asparagoose · 08/10/2022 00:26

Badgirlriri · 08/10/2022 00:04

Yes, I bet many posters were torn! If they spout their usual “not your kids, not your problem” that means they’re defending a MAN.

Ultimately, most posters hatred of men won the battle and they chose him to be selfish instead.

Show quote history

If she was asking him to do it on a regular basis then yes, that’s exactly what I’d say. But as a one-off it’s a reasonable request. Hell, even my NEIGHBOUR would take the kids to school for me as a one-off if I was stuck! Never mind a husband.

Noellu · 08/10/2022 01:15

Doesn’t he have any relationship with YOUR kids then? Bit of a red flag.

giggly · 08/10/2022 01:21

Why the fuck do people marry others with children and then come out with this shit. Unfucking believable. Imagine living with someone who treats my kids like that, not a chance.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 01:30

He is being very unreasonable. I was also one of the posters, who thought the op should take her stepkids for the night when their nurse mother was called into work.

mellongoose · 08/10/2022 01:54

He's being an arse.

I'm stubborn. So at this point I would be arranging for someone else to come into my home (my sister or someone he's not used to and will do me a brilliant favour) that morning to make a lot of cheery noise and get the kids off to school.

Would hopefully show him up!

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 08/10/2022 02:27

Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 23:13

He’s just said he’ll “consider” it and let me know!

That remark makes him sound like a total arse.
God help you if serious illness ever strikes if he can’t do one morning school run with children. He doesn’t sound reliable.

Original poster
Runrunlikethewind · 08/10/2022 06:44

mellongoose · 08/10/2022 01:54

He's being an arse.

I'm stubborn. So at this point I would be arranging for someone else to come into my home (my sister or someone he's not used to and will do me a brilliant favour) that morning to make a lot of cheery noise and get the kids off to school.

Would hopefully show him up!

I’m already arranging this

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/10/2022 07:01

He doesn’t sound like he’s on your team

Hearthnhome · 08/10/2022 07:02

Of course he is being selfish.

Dp isn’t my sons dad. He absolutely would sort ds for school. Ds is 11 and doesn’t see Dp as ‘dad’ but they have a great relationship as he doesn’t with my adult dd and would be there if they needed him.

Dd was at uni and had covid and was unwell. She called and said she was going to stay at uni for the weekend (previously planned on coming home) Dp was going out with friends but didn’t drink incase dd got and sicker so he could go for her. I didn’t even ask, he knew I was busy with work so made a decision that put him available. When we got together and became serious, he knew my kids are my priority. He also knows being in a relationship means being part of a team that includes my kids. It includes his family too. If Mil needed something and do couldn’t help, I would help instead.

I do agree that there’s a double standard, to a degree, and that step mums are often advised to not be involved. And I don’t care that women have it harder or are (generally) more out upon. If a step parent is being left to do it all so takes a step back, that’s understandable. But you have to look at individual relationships. Any step parent that refuses to support their partner, even occasionally, when it come to the kids (like the ops husband), imo, is being a bad partner and a lot of those relationships will fail.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/10/2022 07:40

You know what’ll happen op. He’ll take umbrage that you’ve (quite correctly) asked someone else to come in and do it because “he never said he wouldn’t”. He’s an arsehole but I’m guessing you’re working that out.

hood luck with the event. I hope it goes brilliantly. <PR solidarity>

Tsiagisel · 08/10/2022 07:56

Sorry, YUNNNNNBU - I moved my thumb and accidentally touched “YABU” vote and can’t undo it. Ignore one YABU vote!!

luxxlisbon · 08/10/2022 07:58

Aibu to think he should just get on with it as a one off?

Obviously it’s not unreasonable, but if your husband is “kicking off” over this he is clearly a dick beyond this situation so I don’t understand why you are even surprised.

whiteroseredrose · 08/10/2022 07:59

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2022 07:01

He doesn’t sound like he’s on your team

This

whiteroseredrose · 08/10/2022 08:01

And the 'I'll consider it'? What an arse. I'd want to slap him.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 08/10/2022 08:11

He's an arse. I'd take my DSS to school gladly for DH.

I don't do loads for him as DH likes to do it all himself, but if he occasionally can't, of course I step up.

HandbagAtDawn · 08/10/2022 08:14

No, it’s more like 1%. The threads are usually about one offs. Like the nurse called into work last minute and needed the step mum to have the step kids overnight but as the father is away on a business trip and the step mum says she “can’t be arsed” and had “planned wine and Netflix” for her evening, she was advised to tell the mum to kindly fuck off and not to suggest such shit ever again. That the step mum wasn’t free childcare to facilitate the mums career. Etc etc

I remember that thread. The mum in question actually had her own partner who she lived with but was asking the step mum to have her kids rather than asking him.

There were a lot of replies asking why her own partner couldn't step up and do it.

OP, does your kids' dad have a partner? Maybe you could ask her?! Smile

LannieDuck · 08/10/2022 08:14

They're his step kids. When he married you, he did so in the knowledge that he was taking on a step-father role to your children. Of course he should do some childcare on occasion.

The number of times step mums on here get told to 'be kind' and to help out when their husband/partner/boyfriend is supposed to be looking after his kids and can't because of work... I've lost count.