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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH could do this as one off

149 replies

Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 22:43

I’ve got to be in work next Thursday at 5am as a one off due to us hosting an early morning film shoot (I work in PR). It’s not a regular thing, it’s a one off. DH is kicking off about having to sort the kids out that morning and take them to school before he goes to work. Aibu to think he should just get on with it as a one off? I have to sort the kids out and take them to school before work every morning.

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 07/10/2022 23:08

My DH is step dad to 2 of my kids and I seriously wouldn't have married him if he'd given me any inclination that we weren't going to work as a team.

Working as a team, includes caring for the kids in this house. He married into my family and he's been more than happy to step up and help when needed.

'Doing the dance with no pants' has made me want to vomit over my keyboard, so thanks to the PP who said it 😳

Original poster
Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 23:13

He’s just said he’ll “consider” it and let me know!

OP posts:
pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:15

1000's posts like this on the step parents thread where the step mum has moaned about being asked to do things for SC. Almost every response is to tell them to do absolutely nothing, not their responsibility etc and claiming that the dads are only with them for free childcare etc

Fwiw I personally think your DP is being a dickhead bit just frustrated at the double standards in the threads depending on whether it's a step mum or stepdad

Whatonearth07957 · 07/10/2022 23:17

He's a total arse.

londonmummy1966 · 07/10/2022 23:17

So what do you do to enable him to go to work - laundry/cooking etc? If so tell him that you'll consider whether or not to continue

oviraptor21 · 07/10/2022 23:18

There's a difference between being expected to do pretty much everything for your step kids which is often the scenario when dads have their DC for the weekend and swan off out, and OP's DP being asked to do one morning and school run.

Floomobal · 07/10/2022 23:19

User87543 · 07/10/2022 22:47

I can see his point if him taking them to school would have the potential to result in him being late for work

Actually? You can see his point?! To get the kids ready and take them to school ONCE??!!

bizarre

Hindsightin · 07/10/2022 23:21

Oh how awful.

what’s the point of being in a relationship with him if there no mutual support

snd i can’t imagine it’s great for your kids to have to live with someone who doesn’t care that much about them

horrible situation

BrieAndChilli · 07/10/2022 23:23

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:15

1000's posts like this on the step parents thread where the step mum has moaned about being asked to do things for SC. Almost every response is to tell them to do absolutely nothing, not their responsibility etc and claiming that the dads are only with them for free childcare etc

Fwiw I personally think your DP is being a dickhead bit just frustrated at the double standards in the threads depending on whether it's a step mum or stepdad

Totally agree with this post!!!
I think that a step parent should help out - you have agreed to be a family. Family isn’t just blood but it does make me annoyed that a step mum would be told not her responsibility and the husband is taking the piss and not to look after kids as not here and where’s the bio mum etc etc but when it a step dad they are lazy and should do childcare etc etc! Total double standards on mumsnet!

cravattwat · 07/10/2022 23:24

I don't think it would be a massive hardship for him to do this as a one-off but actually, we have thread after thread on here about lazy men expecting new partners to look after their kids.

We've had step mums being advised to cancel annual leave or change working days to avoid doing the school run.

It does seem to be a double standard.

KosherDill · 07/10/2022 23:25

youngestisapsycho · 07/10/2022 22:52

So you are married and obvs all live together and his comment is he doesn’t want to sort your kids out! You picked a winner there!

Exactly!

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Without question.

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 23:25

He obviously knew that you came with kids and he lives with you so why on earth would he not expect to be an active participant in those kids lives. I understand that he might be really stressed about asking for a later start in work that day but it's not unreasonable for you to ask, it is unreasonable for him to kick off rather than try to help you find a solution even if he isn't the solution.

KosherDill · 07/10/2022 23:25

Runrunlikethewind · 07/10/2022 23:13

He’s just said he’ll “consider” it and let me know!

Bin!

How can you be with someone who after five years considers your children an inconvenience?

Musti · 07/10/2022 23:28

I’d do it for my step kids, I’d expect my bf to help me out and my ex’s gf also helps out.

JustLyra · 07/10/2022 23:29

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:15

1000's posts like this on the step parents thread where the step mum has moaned about being asked to do things for SC. Almost every response is to tell them to do absolutely nothing, not their responsibility etc and claiming that the dads are only with them for free childcare etc

Fwiw I personally think your DP is being a dickhead bit just frustrated at the double standards in the threads depending on whether it's a step mum or stepdad

I think there’s a massive difference when the children live with the step parent.

And there are very few threads I’ve ever seen from step mums being asked to do a one off thing.

Its usually a resounding no because it’s a constant thing. And often it’s the step-mum being asked to do something without any thought of the Dad doing it (one classic was a step mum being asked to take a days leave as she only worked half days, but the Dad was too busy in his very important job to consider a day off himself)

Asparagoose · 07/10/2022 23:31

He’s your husband. He should be able to step up and help you as a one off regardless of what it is you need help with. It would be cheeky if you wanted him to do it regularly but as a one off I don’t see the issue. He really must hate your kids!

deeperthanallroses · 07/10/2022 23:32

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:15

1000's posts like this on the step parents thread where the step mum has moaned about being asked to do things for SC. Almost every response is to tell them to do absolutely nothing, not their responsibility etc and claiming that the dads are only with them for free childcare etc

Fwiw I personally think your DP is being a dickhead bit just frustrated at the double standards in the threads depending on whether it's a step mum or stepdad

100% the huge majority of those step mums already do this kind of thing without a moments thought, they post when it’s a step too far and they realise hang on I’m being made a fool of here. Not for the one offs like this.

Discovereads · 07/10/2022 23:34

I think YANBU at all, it’s what a good stepparent should do.

However I am slightly shocked at the responses because every thread where a step mum is being asked to do a “one off” to help her partner with his kids it usually goes the opposite way. There’s the not your kids not your problem brigade.

phishy · 07/10/2022 23:37

Dump the twat. Do not have kids with him.

Discovereads · 07/10/2022 23:37

deeperthanallroses · 07/10/2022 23:32

100% the huge majority of those step mums already do this kind of thing without a moments thought, they post when it’s a step too far and they realise hang on I’m being made a fool of here. Not for the one offs like this.

Show quote history

No, it’s more like 1%. The threads are usually about one offs. Like the nurse called into work last minute and needed the step mum to have the step kids overnight but as the father is away on a business trip and the step mum says she “can’t be arsed” and had “planned wine and Netflix” for her evening, she was advised to tell the mum to kindly fuck off and not to suggest such shit ever again. That the step mum wasn’t free childcare to facilitate the mums career. Etc etc.

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:39

No, it’s more like 1%. The threads are usually about one offs. Like the nurse called into work last minute and needed the step mum to have the step kids overnight but as the father is away on a business trip and the step mum says she “can’t be arsed” and had “planned wine and Netflix” for her evening, she was advised to tell the mum to kindly fuck off and not to suggest such shit ever again. That the step mum wasn’t free childcare to facilitate the mums career. Etc etc.

Exactly this....and this is just one of many! The mum was described as selfish for considering doing an extra shift as a nurse. Pretty sure she'd rather have been watching Netflix with wine.....

FrogFairy · 07/10/2022 23:41

Does their dad live close enough to have them sleep over and drop them at school next morning?

Discovereads · 07/10/2022 23:42

pinkpanel · 07/10/2022 23:39

No, it’s more like 1%. The threads are usually about one offs. Like the nurse called into work last minute and needed the step mum to have the step kids overnight but as the father is away on a business trip and the step mum says she “can’t be arsed” and had “planned wine and Netflix” for her evening, she was advised to tell the mum to kindly fuck off and not to suggest such shit ever again. That the step mum wasn’t free childcare to facilitate the mums career. Etc etc.

Exactly this....and this is just one of many! The mum was described as selfish for considering doing an extra shift as a nurse. Pretty sure she'd rather have been watching Netflix with wine.....

If it even was an extra shift. The mum could have been a bank nurse due to child care responsibilities and so not actually making any extra money. The OP never asked…she texted a flat no and then put the mum on ignore for the night.

NotJustAnybody · 07/10/2022 23:43

I think what you're supposed to do is ask your ex's new partner to do it. That's what always seems to happen in these cases.
But seriously, even if they are not his kids, you are in a partnership with him and he should be supportive. If he's this unhelpful I'd wonder what the point of it all was!

JulesCobb · 07/10/2022 23:48

Yanbu op and id be seriously looking carefully at what he brings to the lives of you and your children.

i never get people who come on to threads like this and talk about ‘double standards’. You would have to be thick as pig shit to not understand the differences. You’d have to not know anything about life before the 90’s to think it is the same for women as it is for men. i mean, instead of saying ‘double standard’ just say you do not have a brain. Or better still, just don't say anything. It is embarrassing. Every time.