Would you be exhausted after this, or is it just me ?

[momana]

I suffer from a chronic illness which causes fatigue. I'm so tired. To my bones tired. I see others doing so much stuff and going to so many places and can't work out if it's me and I'm lazy or if it's my life or if it's my illness, I think about this every day and I can't work it out.

I have a baby and a toddler at nursery.

Each day this is my routine :

Change nappies
feed baby and toddler
Get them ready to leave the house
Get myself ready
Pack bag for baby and toddler
Get both in the car and drive to nursery
Get both out of the car for drop off at nursery
Go to the gym and drop baby at the crèche for an hour
Take baby home
Change nappies / feed etc
Tidy up / do laundry
Any calls needed to be made / admin IF baby naps
Food shop some days
Prepare dinner
Get toddler from nursey with baby ( so again in and out of the car )
Give dinner to toddler
Entertain toddler and baby
Lost of nappy changes
Get both ready for bed
Somehow manage to get them both to sleep
Baby is very fussy at the moment, waking up and screaming every two hours in the night

Rinse and repeat, with slight changes in the day - like doctors appointments or taking the dog to the vet / groomers. Some days toddler is at home with me too of course.

Weekends are the same, except that toddler is definitely at home. Husband at home one day at the weekend, we don't get on well at the moment.

Baby is going through a phase of not wanting to be put down and waking a lot in the night.

Is it normal I'm so exhausted ? I don't go to the gym every day. But I'm trying to go 4-5 times a week.

Today, I'm at breaking point. The baby has been screaming at me all day and night and I don't know how to calm him down. I've got a massive headache and I'm just done. Yet people ask me ' what have you been up to ? ' and I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say. I have nothing to give. I can't imagine going anywhere at the weekend etc. I'm just too tired.

With a chronic Illness I'd honestly be trying to double duty exercise/entertain/tire baby and toddler. I'd be walking toddler/baby wearing outside instead of the gym so much.

It's normal to feel tired with young children but that 'to the bone' tiredness is due to illness or vitamin deficiency.

When my kids were little and I was exhausted I used to go the the gym, put them in the crèche and just sit in the cafe for an hour. Is that an option some of the days. Maybe exercise 3 x a week and then just sit and chill 2 x week.

The gym is exhausting

then you need to reduce your workouts or rest in between because it shouldn’t be ‘exhausting’. You’re doing too much. Possibly not refuelling properly too.

And (by all accounts) a fucking useless husband.

I was very tired at this stage of life but not to the bones tired and we always did groups, swimming, dance etc because these were the most fun parts.

I don't think skipping the gym is the answer if that's what the doc recommends. Your husband should be doing more, particularly because of your chronic fatigue but he should be engaging more with his children anyway.

Why not explain to him that you are struggling and then sit together and make a schedule so that it's not about expecting him to be kind but telling him when he is responsible for bedtime,cooking, household chores etc (and clarifying when you are) he needs to recognise that you are at home because you have two very small children and everything else is additionally and should be shared fairly between you.

Get a food delivery to cancel that chore and have it arrive when you are both in so that unloading it is a joint chore (put it in your schedule) and on the day he is at home with the kids lie-in, rest or take yourself off somewhere relaxing. Get these things in your diary so he can't argue.

If he's really useless why are you with him? Would life be any worse without him? May it even be better?

In your shoes I would experiment with how ofter the exercise actually feeld good for you. Also a different type of excercise might be better for you. Dont just do what they say you should do, listen to what your body says.
(I find dancing works for me the best).

I think having small children is exhausting. It gets easier if that’s any help! I don’t think I would have had the energy for the gym along with everything else. Could you swap to a lower intensity exercise. Swim/yoga? Maybe food shop online? Try and cut back a bit to make life easier?

I second what @katepilar says, merge reduce strength training and try something else and less strenuous for most of the week.

I do all that except the gym and I'm shattered. No wonder you're tired.

I would recommend lowering your standards. Have a nap when baby sleeps instead of the gym once or twice a week.

Cook a few ready meals (frozen jacket potatoes are my life saver).

Have early nights every now and then.

Life with little ones is utterly exhausting though 😔

I don't have kids but I really empathise with this post. I also have an illness which causes fatigue and have had it for a long time. I'm constantly trying to work out what is 'normal' because I've lost all sense of perspective.

I question myself a lot in terms of whether I should be pushing myself more or whether other people would also be tired after whatever I've been doing. It doesn't help that dp is like the Duracell bunny.

A doctor asked me whether I ever take time to just rest during the day and I wonder whether you do op? The doctor said I need to accept that I have this condition and I should build in even just 30 mins of doing absolutely nothing but lying down each day. It helped to give me permission to do that and stop pushing myself constantly in a bid to be as 'normal' as possible.

I haven't seen how old your youngest is but as your on maternity I am guessing under a year. I speak to a lot of mums and don't know many going to the gym much at this stage. Maybe once or twice a week in the evenings?
I am not saying you shouldn't go as much as it sounds like it's good for your condition and will be a great mental break. Just wanted to say you are doing a lot and doing well fitting that in- more than most mums I think.
As others have said I think going out is sometimes less tiring then entertaining little ones in the house- makes less mess as well! So maybe try some baby groups/ soft play/ parks perhaps a walk with the buggy instead of the gym one day.

But looking after a baby at home is really tiring (for me at least!) even if when I look back I haven't "done" much all day. You should be proud of what your doing and try not to compare.

This!!
My god I have one boy who is now 4 but always slept badly. I don’t have chronic illness nor go to the gym and my husband helps me and is around all weekend. I did do all the night feeds he was small and he does come in to bed with me most nights (we sleep separately as husband snores/coughs). I now work FT and son is at nursery but I am permanently knackered!

You’re doing amazingly and need to cut down the gym and have some you time to chill!!

That’s a normal day with kids that age with most fitting in a full time job as well. Having said that it’s absolutely exhausting, I didn’t know if one person at that stage, myself included who wasn’t bone tired and utterly mind numbing exhausted. You really have no time to yourself at all with kids that age and unfortunately that’s normal, it’s parenthood! It eases up a bit when your youngest gets to around 5 and then eases up again around the 10 mark so a good decade of complete misery with them tbh. Then you turn the corner, upward slope and life starts to become more normal again. You just need to get through it and wait it out essentially.

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat!

When I get this confused about the tiredness I go to the GP.
A blood test usually reveals if its the illness or not. Then I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

So that's my advice. See your doctor, get your bloods done.

I did once get told by the doctor after a normal blood test result 'I have a young baby, I will get tired' she was telling me to go easy on myself.

X

OP I think a lot of it is down to your chorionic fatigue from your illness.
Yes it’s no doubt tiring with babies and toddlers (I had a two year old when I had my twins and was changing up to 20 nappies per day!) I was tired of course - absolutely finished for the first few months! But after that, not too bad- just normal tiredness.
But I think some things really arnt helping you right now.

1. Your husband isn’t helping enough. Mine was out at work from 7am-7:15pm but helped as soon as he got in with whatever was left of bedtime. I made sure the naps were later and so bed time was a litttle later so that he could take over and help me. He was always home at weekends. Always. We went out together and did house chores between us. He got up in the night alternating with me mostly except when I was breastfeeding a lot. Why isn’t he helping more? Is he refusing to help?
2. Don’t waste your energy in the gym. Seriously. You need to rest. Recharge. The gym can come back later when things have calmed down and you are getting proper sleep.
3. Make life easy on yourself. Get shopping delivered. Use Amazon. Cut corners where you can. Stick the tv on for your toddler and try to rest if baby is napping. Sit down and play from the sofa. Get your toddler to bring you things to play with all whilst you keep sitting. I had to do this when I was very heavily pregnant with twins as I literally couldn’t sit on the floor or keep getting up and down. Do easy meals. Stuff you get out of the fridge and bung in the oven. Find nappies that work. Make it your mission. No way should they be leaking like that. Something is wrong. Sorry if this sounds patronising but you are opening them fully with the frilly leg bits splayed out?
4. Baby waking every two hours is why you are so tired too. Broken sleep is awful. Not sure how to help here as I’m not sure how old your baby is?
5. Rather than going to the gym, can you go somewhere to socialise for an hour like a play group / messy play / music group with your baby? One thing that saved me was getting out every day, preferably with other mums. I used to drop older child off and then get to a baby group most days.

For me the biggest thing that jumps out is the night waking. I find that relentless and when my little ones were, well, little that was the biggest determining factor as to how tired I felt. Constant sleep disturbance is a killer - you go into the next day with little energy which gets zapped by the daily life chores, sleep rubbish so go into the next day with even less energy. And so on.

does you husband take over at any point for the full night? It sounds like you need a reset with a proper nights sleep.

having said that, I’d be careful as to how you take on board what is said on this thread. Don’t use it as a stick to beat your self with or to invalidate your feelings. This is your life and you are feeling tired. It doesn’t matter if twenty, fifty or a hundred other mumsnetters could do it standing on their heads, you need to find a balance in your life so that you aren’t exhausted all the time.

sounds like your DH needs to step up.

If you have a baby waking you every 2hours then am not surprised your tierd you can't have had a decent night sleep for awhile.

It sounds like a fairly typical day with children those ages.

What a snarky post.

And as for ‘fresh air is better than the gym’, that’s just sheer bloody ignorance and smacks of someone threatened by the O’s discipline at getting at least four gun sessions into her week, despite two young children and a chronic illness with associated fatigue.

To me that’s just a normal day, nothing crazy but we all have periods of time where life is just exhausting. I wouldn’t class any of that as a busy day, but you don’t have to be crazy busy to be tired.

Putting things like ‘change nappy, get toddler breakfast, get toddler ready, pack bag, get myself ready’ is making a really normal part of life sound like quite an over the top task. Most people do that every morning and then go to work.

It reminds me of people putting ‘shower’ ‘eat breakfast’ etc on their to do lists to feel busy and accomplished!

I'm tired a lot of the time with my 4 month old. I go to the gym 4 times a week as well although we have one at home so she comes in with me and my sessions are quite unpredictable depending on what she needs. Her dad works a lot of hours and we don't live that close to any family. She feeds every 2 hours at night, so I have no time to myself either. A couple of things have REALLY helped me...the first is wearing her in a sling as it comforts her and keeps her happy, the second is cosleeping as I don't have to get up to feed her and she doesn't have to cry to wake me. Maybe worth giving them a try?

Are you depressed? The main thing that stands out to me about your day is not only how boring it is, in terms of intellectual stimulation, friendship, adult conversation, hobbies etc, but how flat and bored (and perhaps a little angry) you sound about it.

The other thing, as others have said, is that the gym-going is incongruous. I don't have an illness that causes chronic fatigue and I normally (pre-kids, again now) work out 3-4 times a week. When I had very little ones and was still breastfeeding I stopped because it was too depleting and I was walking round a lot anyway. Whenever I did try to exercise I would feel very weak and dizzy (I was also slightly underweight and very anemic).

Honestly, I would stop the gym tomorrow and try to spend the time doing something you enjoy. Even if it's only reading a book while the baby naps. But ideally something that gets you out and socialising with other people.

I'm a healthy mum in her 40s and I can honestly say the thought of going to the gym 4-5 times a week when I had a baby and toddler and broken sleep was laughable. They're now 5 and 8 and it still is to be fair. So why don't you cut out the gym for a bit and see where that leaves you tired-ness wise? Use the time to relax instead.