House share! Never done it before..Etiquette?

[nurseye]

What is a house share etiquette between young/mid professionals?
I am 41 and am training to be a physio. The only position available was over 180 miles away. Because its a part time position, I have now decided to House share whilst in this location. My days off I will be obviously commuting back home. Its 3-4 days per week.
I am a tad nervous..never houseshared before. I live with my partner and 4 year old but needs must and the cheapest place I found was a 5 bed with 4 other house mates (all professionals)

I have introduced myself on the WA group but wanting to form good relations, there may be times my partner comes up with our 4 year old. Do you think this will be OK? Is there an etiquette for guests? As she is after all a 4 year old lol.
I thunk I am just getting worried..is it generally OK to bring guests round? Do you need to book out the kitchen for instance ? Sounds silly but the kitchen is small, probably wouldn't fit more than 2 people in there. I know I will obviously find this out as I go along but wanting to make good impressions firstly before I start asking 101 questions.

Thank you.

Every one I've stayed in has been slightly different. None would have had a problem with your kid visiting

Ive just looked at the pictures and the living room has one 3 seater sofa in it 😐 probably meaning we would take up all the room if partner and daughter were visiting.

When you say they’re coming up, how often and how long is it for? And no one can answer your question really as it depends on all of your housemates, doesn’t it? I’ve done houseshares before, but it was when I was much younger. Generally visiting partners were expected to socialise with you in your bedrooms. The bedrooms were set up to spend time in with a tv etc. Shared living spaces were for the housemates really. If your partner and 4yo are only coming up for a few hours on the odd weekend and it turns out your housemates are all generally out then, then it shouldn’t be a problem. Whereas obviously if your partner and 4yo are there and getting in the way when they’re wanting to use their own living room/kitchen then obviously someone could end up upset. Unless you’re already friends with the housemates and have mutual friends that come over, I don’t think it’s really usual for people to invite other friends over to socialise in a shared house, you go out to meet them.

I used to house share years ago and you need to be honest and upfront about visitors, check if it’s ok if they stay overnight, don’t allow your visitors to dominate the TV and lounge, hog the bathroom for ages or eat the housemates food. I’ve witnessed housemates allowing their visitors to do the above and it cheeses everyone off usually.

Other than that, just be a considerate person - be clean and tidy in communal areas, don’t hog the bathroom at peak times, and don’t play loud music or slam doors etc. Of course, you may find your housemates ignore all of that so it’s really the luck of the draw as to whether you are all on the same wavelength.

I think you’ve had a nc fail OP.

I’ll be honest, putting the house share aside, is it really worth the cost both financially and to family life to be 180 miles away 3-4 days a week? How will you afford it?

In terms of visiting, I think overnight stays will be a no, general visits will depend on frequency and length.

Every house share is different so I would see how they do it when you get there and try and slot in

A lot will depend on your housemates but I certainly would not be planning spending any great amount of time in the living areas. You, your husband and 4 year old will really be hanging out in your room, so it might be worth picking up a cheap tv etc.

I woulldn't be planning for them to stay overnight very much to be honest and certainly do not expect things to change in the house because you are bring a four year into the mix.

Overnights should be a very very rare thing. Do any of the others have kids? If not I can't imagine a house of young professionals will be changing their lifestyle to accommodate a child.

I lived in house shares for years in my 20s and my experience was that everyone has visitors round but if there is limited space in the communal areas there's an expectation that they don't take over (ie they go out or spend time in their bedroom when housemates want the communal areas). I've never had a situation where we needed to book out the kitchen, but again there's been an expectation that everyone will be considerate and not hog all the cooking space for hours or leave a mess.

Do you know much about the others in the house OP? Eg how old are they, do they have partners, what are their jobs? Depending on their age/interests etc you might find it doesn't feel appropriate to have your 4 year old staying there. I've had some 'young professional' housemates who got really drunk every weekend and routinely came home with one night stands (and had noisy drunken sex), smoked weed and swore like sailors.

I might be tempted to see if there are any nearby airbnb properties you could rent out when your partner and child came to stay. That way you get the space you need without taking over the house share or changing the dynamic or worrying about someone swearing etc.

@PinkFrogss I can’t see it? (Also not the OP, just nosy 😜)

Visitors are fine, but you can't take over any communal areas. So you won't need to "book" the kitchen, but you can't expect to have it to yourselves.

It's hard to articulate because it's so dependant on the people and the relationships and the type of house - some are more sociable than others. But you can't take over any communal room with a sense of "we're in here now, you're intruding" which may be hard if you have a young child.

All great advice so far. I am very worried about when partner and daughter come to stay as I do feel it will be very awkward and uncomfortable. 4 year old can be quite loud and boisterous. The plan is only for a night no more. Its for the day I finish a bit earlier. Just because I know dd will miss me and its a chance to spend a day together and she isn't in nursery the next day meaning partner and her can set off when I go into work.
I haven't asked about this yet but live in landlord known I have a child and I did mention she may come up.
The other house mates age from 20s, 35, 37 and 40. They all work. I think 3 work on shifts which include nights . The 37 year old is the live in landlord. He also has accommodation elsewhere. I think the others do too by the sounds of it so probably may not all be in at once I suppose this will help.
I think there was a no smoking policy. I will re look but guess I am a bit apprehensive.

I think you need to stay somewhere else when your child visits. It's not really very fair to your housemates to take over the communal spaces and also expect them to put up with a shrieking 4 year old.

I don't think this is the best set up for you op, a partner and a 4yo might not be very welcomed. 5 in a share is quite a lot, then with everyone's friends or family visiting might be a tricky one.

Have a chat with the housemates about general way things work.

I have lived in houseshares where a rule is no guests sleeping on the sofa - so guests are ok in your room.

If you share a bathroom - we used to work out an order in the morning so we all a turn without being late for work.

Cooking/food storage is usually a problem area. You should get a cupboard. If you could separately - cooking should be quick - it's not fair to hog the whole cooker for 3 hours

Clearing up - again with one set of pans between you usually - you can't leave dirty pans for hours - you need to clean up promptly

Lastly ask about kitty for shared things like tea, milk, toilet rolls

You really need to speak to the landlord and housemates not random
mumsnetters? If we all say yes but your landlord says no are you going to tell them tough because mumsnet said it’s ok?

but I’d imagine no one will appreciate a loud and boisterous kid being around. I’m also struggling to see how this can be the only possible option for you? Sounds like so much upheaval

A night a week? Sorry but I think that is way too much to have a 4 year old in the house.

I think the key to situations like this is communicate and negotiate. It sounds like you are already thinking about how to be considerate, which is good. When I was last in a big shared house we were lucky and had a kitchen diner and a living room, so I might well have friends to dinner and take over the table, but housemates could still cook. And I'd let people know in advance.

I assume you'd do things like take the 4yo out and about anyway so you weren't all on top of each other.

I agree with this I’m afraid. I’ve lived in many house shares in my earlier years and partners and friends visiting was tolerated if not loved as long as they didn’t take up all the living space, I think a small boisterous child visiting wouldn’t be what I had in mind when choosing a professional house share and may had had a sense of humour failure if they were noisy overnight. One off is ok but if you were planning on making it a regular thing I don’t think it is suitable

Mainly it's about communication with your housemates and agreeing boundaries as everyone will prefer different things. Clean up after yourself in any communal spaces and agree a cleaning rota and tasks at the beginning and then stick to it. Find out if there's a kitty for common used items like soap, toilet roll, milk etc and contribute to that, if you notice you're out of something communal go pick it up. In terms of guests I'd speak with your housemates about it, when I had people over in a student house share we generally hung out in my bedroom but I think as long as you're happy with your daughter being around your flatmates and you ask them do they mind her and your husband coming round (tell them when and for how long/ often). Try not to spend lots of time in communal spaces with visitors as it might make your housemates feel unwelcome or like they're interrupting if they want to work at the kitchen table or make food. I'd probably spend most of the time out with visitors tbh as it would be easier for everyone. Consider noise at night and be prepared for your housemates to be coming in later at night than you maybe do after a few drinks etc. Keep the place secure, pay your rent/ share of electricity or heating on time and just generally be friendly and considerate. Also be prepared that your flatmates might be quiet and not want to talk or socialise much with you and respect that. If someone has a problem agree that you'll talk directly to each other about it and try to take others opinions and needs on board, similarly if you have an issue address it directly and gently with the housemate causing the problem and give them time to fix it while still understanding that people have different expectations of a home and how they like to live in it.

I can't imagine child free professionals wanting a husband and kid around.

My husband works in Scotland. We are in England. We used to stay with him when his 2 housemates went home / worked away.

You can have a partner over to stay in a normal houseshare but it's not fair to expect to bring a 4 year old overnight into a shared house.

Not fair on the kid either.

How long is this for, OP? I think it's going to be really hard on your family to have you away 3 days a week for months on end.

I would add most people who choose a “professional” house share will do so because they probably want something quiet, not to have a “boisterous” child around.