Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

House share! Never done it before..Etiquette?

128 replies

nurseye · 05/10/2022 13:10

What is a house share etiquette between young/mid professionals?
I am 41 and am training to be a physio. The only position available was over 180 miles away. Because its a part time position, I have now decided to House share whilst in this location. My days off I will be obviously commuting back home. Its 3-4 days per week.
I am a tad nervous..never houseshared before. I live with my partner and 4 year old but needs must and the cheapest place I found was a 5 bed with 4 other house mates (all professionals)

I have introduced myself on the WA group but wanting to form good relations, there may be times my partner comes up with our 4 year old. Do you think this will be OK? Is there an etiquette for guests? As she is after all a 4 year old lol.
I thunk I am just getting worried..is it generally OK to bring guests round? Do you need to book out the kitchen for instance ? Sounds silly but the kitchen is small, probably wouldn't fit more than 2 people in there. I know I will obviously find this out as I go along but wanting to make good impressions firstly before I start asking 101 questions.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

2bazookas · 05/10/2022 15:59

why are you asking here?

All the answers lie with your housemates. They are already sharing a house and have worked our their own etiquette for visitors, kitchen use etc. It would be very surprising if none of them has overnight guests who eat, use the bathroom etc.

Please
or
to access all these features

wannabeamummysobad · 05/10/2022 16:19

I did house shares throughout my 20s and once in a while I'd have a family member stay over in my room. My 9 month old niece stayed for the weekend! My flat mates loved it. I told them ahead of time and it wasn't regularly.
They too had family and friends over - I even gave my Flatmated dad my room for the weekend when I was away.

Personally, I'd prefer a kid once in a while to a bf/gf most nights having loud sex!
@nurseye don't let people put you off

Please
or
to access all these features

SnoopyNoseTits · 05/10/2022 16:23

Sorry Op, I wouldn’t be happy with a 4 year old once a week, running about and being boisterous.

Please
or
to access all these features

Blix · 05/10/2022 16:29

DS house shared for a while. Lots of landlords seem to do away with a living room in order to squeeze in an extra bedroom. So you may be stuck in the bedroom all the time.
Some of these people will be WFH and want quiet, and it's unlikely any will be used to small children. I honestly don't think you can get away with having a 4 year old stay over.

Please
or
to access all these features

VivX · 05/10/2022 16:33

Also, when they stay, do not run up massive electricity bills cooking elaborate roast dinners for them (I house shared with a woman in 1983 who did just this when she started hacving her married father of 4 and his kids to stay EVERY feckin' weekend! We were on a coin meter and it was like feeding a bloody crocodile each weekend), or allow the partner to take very lengthy showers or deep baths... (see previous note in brackets).

Oh, yes - definitely do not spend the weekends cooking and hosting family dinners for the three of you.

One of the tenants did that (in a different shared house) and would monopolise the kitchen followed by the living room playing "Mr & Mrs" which got old pretty quickly.

People might be polite about it once or twice but after that, there will likely be resentment or worse an all-out argument about it.

If they come up to visit you, go out for the day(s) and book them (and may be you too) into overnight accommodation.

Please
or
to access all these features

Invisimamma · 05/10/2022 16:40

Ask the landlord and other residents but this doesn't sound like the kind of setup where a 4yr old and husband the stay would be welcome regularly. Every few months might be okay but no more, especially not if you have flat mates working shifts and will need quiet rest time, not a boisterous 4yr old around.

Please
or
to access all these features

Worriedaboutethics · 05/10/2022 16:52

@nurseye

they should stay in cheap hotel when visiting it’s a lot to ask I M O

Please
or
to access all these features

maddiemookins16mum · 05/10/2022 17:10

I’d find it really unusual for someone to pitch up with their husband and child tbh.

Please
or
to access all these features

LateAF · 05/10/2022 17:11

I think in a house share no one would mind a child staying overnight if it was infrequently (I.e every few months). But once a week is way too much and not appropriate for a professional house share.

Please
or
to access all these features

Talipesmum · 05/10/2022 17:17

Yep - occasional stays is probably ok, depending on your child (and hang out in your bedroom not the lounge ideally, or go out) but not regular visits. Wasn’t sure if you were saying it would be one night a week or one night very occasionally.
But of course see what your housemates think - and you might need to check with them again once it’s happened!

I did actually quite like house shares - the best ones were a nice mixture of companionable, but not too much. People around to say hello to, but not trying to be part of each other’s lives too much. The worst were dreadful but I was pretty lucky on the whole!

Please
or
to access all these features

WonderingWanda · 05/10/2022 17:23

Honestly, l I don't think it would be reasonable for you to have your partner and 4 yo to stay given how small the communal areas sound. Also what if your house mates are up late talking, will you be telling them to be quiet? What if they are all eating breakfast in the kitchen when you 4 yo wants hers? You can't really take over and use those spaces as you would if you were at home If you are heading back home every week then surely they don't need to. Or if it's occasional could they not stay in a local premiere Inn?

Please
or
to access all these features

Bayleaf25 · 05/10/2022 17:24

Agree with what others have said. House shares I have known/used are (generally) not really for kids. Probably a young child visiting infrequently would be ok if others are in agreement (every couple of months say). A child might be bored contained in a bedroom though and other adults could be in a lounge/communal area watching TV (potentially things not suitable for children).

A partner/husband/friend might stay more often especially if they kept to their own private space (maybe in communal areas if everyone got on well/became friends etc).

Please
or
to access all these features

PinkFrogss · 05/10/2022 17:26

Sorry OP, I don’t think having your partner and child to stay each week would be reasonable.

I do think you need to have another thing about if this arrangement is really viable for you and your family. Especially if you are unmarried, where would this arrangement leave you if you were to break up for example? You need to make sure you’re not making yourself too vulnerable.

Please
or
to access all these features

dailyfup · 05/10/2022 17:54

I'm sorry OP but I really wouldn't be happy having a four year old coming to stay once a week. Especially as she's "boisterous" as you say. And then add in partner on top and there's far too many people in the house. It isn't a suitable environment for the 4-year old either - she can't just simply run around the living room and kitchen like she could at home, or get toys out and play in the middle of the floor when others are wanting to use the space. So you'd need to spend a lot of time in your room which would be very cramped for all three of you.

I think you need a rethink about this. It's just not fair on anyone.

Please
or
to access all these features

alexdgr8 · 05/10/2022 17:58

is this even a serious question?
how could you think that would be ok, even if you've not flat-shared before, common sense would tell you the answer.
which is no, it's not on.

Please
or
to access all these features

GreenFly56 · 05/10/2022 18:02

I lived in loads of house shares in my 20's and i guess they would be classed as professional houseshares as we all had professional jobs. Very occasionally someone might have a parent or other family member to stay but to have a husband and child over once a week and effectively be sharing with a family would have felt very weird. I would probably have looked to move out. If family were visiting for a couple of hours i think that would be fine and any socialising should definitely be done in your room. I had one housemate who used to cuddle up with her bf on the living room sofa. It was so awkward for everyone else as no one felt comfortable using the shared spaces during those times so family meals at the dining table or tv nights, i would say they are definitely out. Obviously only your new housemates can say what they expect but i sounds like a weird house share if they are okay with that

Please
or
to access all these features

CottonSock · 05/10/2022 18:03

I think you would be better in a Premier inn / cheap hotel and condensing your hours into long days to shorten the week. No house share I've ever done would welcome a regular 4yo overnight.

Please
or
to access all these features

LucyFox · 05/10/2022 18:12

Once every 3-4 months or so would probably be ok for an overnight but definitely not every week! You may need to look at a cheap hotel or lodging for 3 nights a week rather than a house share which is the full time home for the others

Please
or
to access all these features

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2022 18:17

If you're only there 3/4 days a wk why do your husband and child need to come and stay? It really won't be fair on your housemates to expect have another adult and small child around. They'll need to get up for work, use bathroom and kitchen etc.

Please
or
to access all these features

Schnooze · 05/10/2022 18:45

If you went out for tea and just came back to put dd to bed, prepared breakfast with her left in your room with dp, ate in your room and can contain the noise, it might be doable. No one is going to want a noisy child in the communal areas or being heard from your room.

Please
or
to access all these features

nurseye · 05/10/2022 18:53

Update: so asked in the group chat would it be OK for 4yo to stay occasionally on the Wednesday evening ((not every week)) like once a month. I explained it was so we both didn't miss out and asking first in here as partner could always borrow his parent's caravan .
Also explained I would make sure it's a day where no-one is on nights and if they were arrange fo a day where they wouldn't be.
The live in landlord said no problem and asked other housemates if they would be OK with this. 2 have replied and said no worries. One hasn't read it yet.


Like stated previously, all housemates have odd rotas so 5 days working then 4 days off just an example of one of the women's. On the days off it appears people go back to their other homes. So actually it's rare for us all to be in at the same time! I suppose that's what helps and what attracted me to this houseshare as it none of their permanent homes!
Bit of a relief.

I haven't asked questions about the kitchen etc
But I do think alot of my time will be spent revising or studying so I doubt I can socialise with them if they do socialise together. Could this be an issue?

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

SurpriseWombat · 05/10/2022 19:06

Generally speaking, the etiquette in the kitchen wouldn't involve booking out the kitchen unless you were planning to do something so extensive that you're going to be in there for hours and making it hard for others to use it.

Find out on day 1 what the etiquette is with regards to things like crockery - is it communal? Wash up promptly.

Don't take forever in the bathroom.

Find out if there is a cleaning rota and stick to it.

I really think that a 4yo will be a problem, as this isn't something your new flatmates have signed up for. A friend of mine had a housemate who announced he'd be babysitting his newborn child (mum was elsewhere). Friend was absolutely fuming at the idea and went to the landlord basically saying that if there was a newborn she'd be moving out. The newborn wasn't allowed in in the end.

Likewise this isn't going to be a child friendly environment, and you cannot expect others to change their lifestyle for your visiting 4yo. Drunk people rolling in at 2am with a one night stand in tow. Drinking in the communal areas. TV you wouldn't want your child to see on the communal TV. Loud sex. Loud swearing. Zero childproofing with regards to leaving things like sharp knives around. And flatmates who just really don't want to be around a boisterous 4yo, and so will make absolutely zero effort to be child friendly.

Please
or
to access all these features

Namechange1345677 · 05/10/2022 19:09

See....I know they said they are OK with your 4 year old....but they are just being polite! You can't have the 4 year old overnight! A visit yes . overnight no.

Please
or
to access all these features

HermioneAndRoger · 05/10/2022 19:11

I’d be more concerned about regularly putting the poor kid through a 6-7 hour round trip. If you really have to go away for this placement then you have to make the most of the 3-4 days that you are home each week. Don’t schlep the child up and down the country for the sake of a few hours with you.

Please
or
to access all these features

pattihews · 05/10/2022 19:12

Yes, I would have felt pressured to say yes, it's fine if the landlord had said it was. But I'd be thinking grrrrrrrr.... If there's a caravan go there and have a mini-holiday. So much better for everyone.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?