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AIBU?

House share! Never done it before..Etiquette?

128 replies

nurseye · 05/10/2022 13:10

What is a house share etiquette between young/mid professionals?
I am 41 and am training to be a physio. The only position available was over 180 miles away. Because its a part time position, I have now decided to House share whilst in this location. My days off I will be obviously commuting back home. Its 3-4 days per week.
I am a tad nervous..never houseshared before. I live with my partner and 4 year old but needs must and the cheapest place I found was a 5 bed with 4 other house mates (all professionals)

I have introduced myself on the WA group but wanting to form good relations, there may be times my partner comes up with our 4 year old. Do you think this will be OK? Is there an etiquette for guests? As she is after all a 4 year old lol.
I thunk I am just getting worried..is it generally OK to bring guests round? Do you need to book out the kitchen for instance ? Sounds silly but the kitchen is small, probably wouldn't fit more than 2 people in there. I know I will obviously find this out as I go along but wanting to make good impressions firstly before I start asking 101 questions.

Thank you.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 06/10/2022 08:48

This is meant kindly as you’ve limited house sharing experience but the ‘taking over the sitting room’ thing? No - it’s doesn’t work like that and would be a sure fire way to get up your housemates noses.

If you’re the only ones home, not a bother - monopolise away.

When others come home and want to chill and watch a bit of telly etc, you shift off to your room. But you do this in a non passive aggressive way / don’t act the martyr. It’s probably best for your kid not to come and stay.

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DameHelena · 06/10/2022 09:03

HermioneAndRoger · 05/10/2022 19:11

I’d be more concerned about regularly putting the poor kid through a 6-7 hour round trip. If you really have to go away for this placement then you have to make the most of the 3-4 days that you are home each week. Don’t schlep the child up and down the country for the sake of a few hours with you.

I agree with this. Although TBH I'm sure your DD would be fine seeing you the 3 or so days per week you'll be home. I've just been visiting friends who have a child the same age. Due to work/family/other commitments and issues, one of them is often away for part of the week. Their child is no less looked after, loved or happy for it.

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FinallyHere · 06/10/2022 11:58

Please notice that even the by no means unanimous 'yes' answers were based on your assurance that the visits would not take place on days when people had just, or were about to, work a night shift.

Pretty sure that when you get sight of their schedules, it will become clear that there are never any days when no one is working nights, so that you will not be able to arrange these visits.

Not everyone working nights gets visibility of their shifts far in advance. If someone has a late notice night shift, will you cancel your visit?

Good you know you have the caravan as your backup plan.

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VickyEadieofThigh · 06/10/2022 16:50

How is this regular, overnight, 360 mile round trip going to work with the child's schooling?

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Therealjudgejudy · 06/10/2022 17:28

Can't believe you have actually but your new housemates in this position.

Have you any self awareness at all op?

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FlissyPaps · 06/10/2022 17:36

Don’t think OP’s coming back …

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SarahSissions · 06/10/2022 17:43

I’d be furious in a house share if a new housemate started bringing their loud boisterous 4 year old to stay.
by nature houseshares are used by single people, they are not overnights for families. At the very least before you sign the contract you should tell the housemates of your intention and allow them to make the choice

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dailyfup · 06/10/2022 18:03

Don’t think OP’s coming back

They'll be back alright - in a few months time, with a name change and a new thread
"AIBU Housemates have complained about my husband and 4-year old daughter staying on Wednesday nights a couple of times a month. They said it was ok when I checked in a WhatsApp group before I moved in. Now they are being passive aggressive and huffing at us when we are simply trying to enjoy a family meal in the living room. One of them complained because there was hardly any hot water left and that my DD had splashed water on the bathroom floor but she just loves bathtime play. What else am I supposed to do? I don't want her missing out on time with me. AIBU?"

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pinkyredrose · 06/10/2022 18:43

dailyfup · 06/10/2022 18:03

Don’t think OP’s coming back

They'll be back alright - in a few months time, with a name change and a new thread
"AIBU Housemates have complained about my husband and 4-year old daughter staying on Wednesday nights a couple of times a month. They said it was ok when I checked in a WhatsApp group before I moved in. Now they are being passive aggressive and huffing at us when we are simply trying to enjoy a family meal in the living room. One of them complained because there was hardly any hot water left and that my DD had splashed water on the bathroom floor but she just loves bathtime play. What else am I supposed to do? I don't want her missing out on time with me. AIBU?"

Ha! Yep!

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nurseye · 06/10/2022 20:45

Hmm responses are getting a bit OTT here !
I am only replying to say had a 1:1 call with live in landlord and discussed it thoroughly. Also said some of the stuff from here..he is absolutely lovely and said he has his small neice when he is babysitting in the house who is 2 so even younger and The 2 women absolutely adore kids (they are friends of his) so he's said in no way would they mind. They actually ask him when his neice is next coming.
I again reiterated it would be once a month IF THAT. and again said he wouldn't mind it was more. They all seem lovely. The 4th housemate the guy is actually not going to be here for 6 weeks as he has a course..he also said in the group chat he lives with parents and is only up here for work because the timings are odd and he doesn't have a car so easier if he stays so is hardly there ! He even offered his Netflix if she needs to be entertained.
I honestly feel so much better about it all and want to say thanks to the nice responses on h

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FlissyPaps · 06/10/2022 21:02

I have years of experience of living in house shares and none of the responses here are OTT. People are just being brutally honest and practical.

Good luck with it all though OP. In my experience, don’t make assumptions about people you’ve never met before. Speaking to someone on the phone/group chats is very different to living with them and sharing your spaces.

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KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 06/10/2022 21:05

Absolutely not OK no. Yabu. You can't move in as a single adult then have a partner and child staying over.

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KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 06/10/2022 21:07

I'd say... oh how lovely I love kids and be secretly hating you 🙈🙈🙈

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dailyfup · 06/10/2022 23:41

I don't think the responses on here are OTT at all.
You obviously had already decided you were going ahead with this plan anyway so I don't really know why you were asking for opinions, which you then didn't want to hear because they were "OTT".

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Romeoalpha · 06/10/2022 23:54

My top tips, as somebody who houseshared with strangers in my 30s:

  • Wash up immediately after eating.
  • If there is a cleaning rota, follow it.
  • If there is not a cleaning rota, don’t bother trying to get one established.
  • Accept that everyone’s standards of cleanliness will vary and the communal areas are likely to be grotty.
  • Related to the above, keep everything you care about in your room.
  • Buy good, comfortable, noise cancelling headphones.


75% of conflict in shared houses is about cleaning. The other 25% is about noise.
If you can live and let live and not get bent out of shape about the cleaning, you stand a good chance of being on friendly enough terms to resolve out any noise issues.

Remember: laid back is the key to a happy life! Good luck and hope you have lovely housemates :-)
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FlissyPaps · 07/10/2022 00:07

What @Romeoalpha said ☝☝☝

I’d also add:

  • Don’t move anyone else’s stuff. (Even if you think it’s rubbish/trash) and don’t rearrange any furniture/appliances.
  • Be quick in the bathroom.
  • Toilet roll disappears QUICK. Keep some extras in your room.
  • If the bin is full, take it out. Even if you took it out the last 3 times.
  • Don’t expect to be friends with these people or socialise often. If you do form friendships that’s a bonus.
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BirdinaHedge · 07/10/2022 01:23

In a share house you CANNOT “ book out “ the kitchen.

If I were in the house and your partner and child were there I would be quite grumpy if I could not use the bathroom when I needed to or your family dominated the kitchen or sitting room.

think about it this way - you’ve got a permanent home and are in this house share for just part of your week and temporarily. But for your housemates this house may be their actual home.

Your questions sound like you’re going to be a tricky house mate who thinks her family will have priority.

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BirdinaHedge · 07/10/2022 01:38

pattihews · 05/10/2022 19:12

Yes, I would have felt pressured to say yes, it's fine if the landlord had said it was. But I'd be thinking grrrrrrrr.... If there's a caravan go there and have a mini-holiday. So much better for everyone.

This. You sound very naive and also pretty much like a steam-roller in assuming what you want will be fine.

I house shared a lot in my 20s and 30s and I chose never to live with a couple because they take over the communal space.

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KosherDill · 07/10/2022 01:48

DrDetriment · 05/10/2022 13:54

I think you need to stay somewhere else when your child visits. It's not really very fair to your housemates to take over the communal spaces and also expect them to put up with a shrieking 4 year old.

Agree with this.

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Tootels · 07/10/2022 06:16

How can 4 adults be so relaxed about a four year old stopping? I wouldn't want a someone's four year old staying at mine and I have kids myself.

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KatherineJaneway · 07/10/2022 07:22

No one wants a 'boisterous' 4 year old about in a professional house share whatever they have said to you.

Take heed of the advice on here, your 'taking up the sofa' comment shows how naïve you are about house shares. You will mostly be in your room. If visiting you will not be using the sitting room as a family as it is shared space, you'll be in your room. Use the caravan if they travel up, mainly I'd not be asking them to travel so far in the first place.

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SoUpset1984 · 07/10/2022 07:23

You're like this even before you move in,you're gonna be a nightmare.
Don't bring your do or daughter in to a house where you don't know the people already living there.
These people are strangers,you don't know them at all.

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BirdinaHedge · 07/10/2022 09:38

It’s fascinating the way you think your family will have priority over the actual paying lodgers @nurseye Assuming that your family will use the sofa and the kitchen to the exclusion of the other people living there?

No way.

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Ineedaduvetday · 07/10/2022 18:35

I suggest you live there first before you make plans to regularly have your family visit regardless of all the positive conversations you've had.

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IAmSloth · 08/10/2022 08:28

I lived in a house share when I was younger, a lady there was doing the same 1-2 nights a week, it didn’t work, they took over the house (there was 4 of us) her husband and child were nice but with the space and working hours it was too noisy and crowded.
I felt I couldn’t go about my normal day/night when they were there.

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