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AIBU?

House share! Never done it before..Etiquette?

128 replies

nurseye · 05/10/2022 13:10

What is a house share etiquette between young/mid professionals?
I am 41 and am training to be a physio. The only position available was over 180 miles away. Because its a part time position, I have now decided to House share whilst in this location. My days off I will be obviously commuting back home. Its 3-4 days per week.
I am a tad nervous..never houseshared before. I live with my partner and 4 year old but needs must and the cheapest place I found was a 5 bed with 4 other house mates (all professionals)

I have introduced myself on the WA group but wanting to form good relations, there may be times my partner comes up with our 4 year old. Do you think this will be OK? Is there an etiquette for guests? As she is after all a 4 year old lol.
I thunk I am just getting worried..is it generally OK to bring guests round? Do you need to book out the kitchen for instance ? Sounds silly but the kitchen is small, probably wouldn't fit more than 2 people in there. I know I will obviously find this out as I go along but wanting to make good impressions firstly before I start asking 101 questions.

Thank you.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Rubywoo97 · 05/10/2022 19:25

They are clearly saying no problem because they have been put on the spot, they are clearly just being polite. OP, have some self awareness! If they had the choice they would not want your child in their living environment!

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No499 · 05/10/2022 19:29

OP, you have done the right thing. There's no set etiquette with regards to guests, you just need to ask your housemates and see what the say. I lived in many a houseshare, 20s in London, and never had an issue with overnight guests. Communication is key along with being considerate and respectful

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Pepsipepsi · 05/10/2022 19:37

I agree to all the reasons above why people have said it's not a good idea having the 4yo stay over. My 2 pence worth... Every house share even the progressional ones, I lived in someone did "recreational" drugs like weed and I wouldn't put it past some of them to have done harder stuff without my knowing. There's so many adult things people without kids get up to (sex, swearing etc that's already been mentioned) . They won't change their lifestyle for fit around your child.
As above they've been put on the spot in WhatsApp and just being the classic British polite. This has got disaster written all over it.

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LaPerduta · 05/10/2022 19:40

I think the chances of none of the other four sharers being irritated by the weekly overnight visit of another adult and a shrieking four-year-old are very slim indeed. Also, are you going to expect them to be quiet when your DC goes to bed? I can't see that going down well either.

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User38899953 · 05/10/2022 19:45

They are just being polite. It's not fair to have your 4 year old stay over.

You need to book and air bnb for the night.

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starfishmummy · 05/10/2022 19:48

nurseye · 05/10/2022 13:17

Ive just looked at the pictures and the living room has one 3 seater sofa in it 😐 probably meaning we would take up all the room if partner and daughter were visiting.

I have to admit that sitaution was a problem when I house shared.

Also a mature professional, mostly only there part week, working long hours with an occasional weekend. Three housemates (one was the owner). I got a bit fed up of getting back to find three partners staying over, everyone warching telly and absolutely nowhere to sit. Made worse by the fact that there was nowhere else to eat - just trays on knees in the living room. I didn't really want to take my dinner to my room.

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GasPanic · 05/10/2022 19:49

@SurpriseWombat

Did we ever live together at some point 😀

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BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/10/2022 19:51

They’re hardly going to say no to their landlord, are they?

When I house-shared it was bad enough when people’s partners stayed and they took over the place (“We've decided to have a date night!” Yeah, by taking over the sitting room…) and/or used the sitting room sofa as a spare bed, never mind the noise caused by a four year old or feeling that you’re gooseberry amongst someone else’s family meal or whatever.

If you’re not going to be there for the whole week, why can’t you see your partner and child on the days when you’re at home?

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FlissyPaps · 05/10/2022 19:55

I house shared in uni and in my early 20’s. Granted every situation is different but ….

I would not have liked one of my housemates husband and child rocking up and staying overnight every week. I’m sorry but it’s just plain rude, and odd. Also not very fair on the child. What if one of your housemates was in the bath/shower and your DC was desperate for the toilet? You’d have to make your DC wait. I assume you wouldn’t make them wait in your own home? Same with if DC was hungry. If your housemate was in the kitchen cooking you would have to wait until they were finished. You’d also need to take into consideration if you were to cook a family meal you’d need to ensure your housemates can make their meals too.

Your DH and DC should stay in a nearby hotel. Or you move the whole family and you purchase a house together that’s closer for you.

Young professionals in house shares aren’t really interested in socialising with each other. In my experiences, we all be respectful to one another’s stuff, food and space. We were kind but cautious. The living rooms were usually turned into bedrooms so the only communal space was a kitchen. Everyone would make their own meals and do their own washing up, so meal times were stressful when 3/4 people were all wanting to eat at similar times. Same with the bathroom. If you want a bath/shower you’d need to wait your turn and be cautious you weren’t keeping others waiting.

With your age and marital status, a house share with young professionals just sounds like a disaster I’m afraid.

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America12 · 05/10/2022 19:56

I wouldn't want a four year old staying once a week , especially if I was on nights.

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dailyfup · 05/10/2022 19:59

Of course they said no worries. The landlord said it first. And you made out it was only going to be once a month. Yet your posts on here gave a bit of a "weekly" impression talking about Wednesdays.
It's a really bad idea OP and it's taking the piss to be honest. They will soon get pissed off with the situation.

And this:
I explained it was so we both didn't miss out and asking first in here as partner could always borrow his parent's caravan
So why not do that instead anyway? You are taking the piss. I really don't know how you can think it's ok - for the other housemates or your child.

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LateAF · 05/10/2022 20:29

Up to you but I’m sure they were just being polite. Personally, I would just use the caravan.

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Sandinmyknickers · 05/10/2022 21:18

Uh. I would not be happy if I were in a 5 person household with a small.kitchen and lounge and one of my housemates wanted to have another adult and 4 year old stay on the same night on a regular basis. There will be countless occasions where they wake you up and vice versa a d the 4 year old will not remain confined to your room will they?
I'd be even more annoyed if the person then asked the landlord on a group chat, making us all agree to it under pressure when they've just admitted in the same message that they have a viable alternative.
As for avoiding night shifts , it's considerate but you have now basically forced them to jave to share their plans with you ahead of time so you can factor in a long round trip around your family schedule, so bye bye any flexibility

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VivX · 05/10/2022 21:23

I reckon that was a "polite", on-the-spot "no problem" on the WhatsApp group.

Privately, they're probably thinking wtf but don't want to be the one to say so.

I also don't get why you'd drag a 4yr old on a 360 mile round trip for the sake of one night, especially when you've already said you'll go home every week.

But why wouldn't you just use the caravan, fgs, instead of inconveniencing all the other residents.

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pinkyredrose · 05/10/2022 21:29

So it’s once a month now? Not entirely sure why you'd let a 4yr old do such a long journey when you're spending half the wk at home anyway. What is it that you'd 'miss out' on?

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Kite22 · 05/10/2022 21:59

I think they have been put on the spot and don't really know how to say that they do have an issue with it, but I think it is an unreasonable ask.

The very nature of a professionals house share is it is just adults and everyone has calmed down from their student days. Nobody wants a small child staying regularly. They just don't know how to phrase it in the chat.
How can you arrange it so ono-one is sleeping off their night shift, if you are also having to arrange it around her non-nursery day and your own timetable (and presumably partner's work) ?
If you want somewhere where your child can come and stay then you need to get somewhere on your own.

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Foxglovers · 05/10/2022 22:40

pinkyredrose · 05/10/2022 21:29

So it’s once a month now? Not entirely sure why you'd let a 4yr old do such a long journey when you're spending half the wk at home anyway. What is it that you'd 'miss out' on?

@pinkyredrose seeing her child??! Most people like spending time with theirs and would find regular nights away hard…

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CeeceeBloomingdale · 05/10/2022 22:48

nurseye · 05/10/2022 13:17

Ive just looked at the pictures and the living room has one 3 seater sofa in it 😐 probably meaning we would take up all the room if partner and daughter were visiting.

I don't think you're thinking from a house share perspective. Why would you, your partner and child get to use the sofa? It's shared, what if someone else is there first? Socialising should be done in your room or ideally out of the house and I think they are being polite right now but overnights should be ruled out. Use the caravan or just see you DD at home if you're only working 3 or 4 days. I think this set up is doomed.

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pinkyredrose · 05/10/2022 22:58

Foxglovers · 05/10/2022 22:40

@pinkyredrose seeing her child??! Most people like spending time with theirs and would find regular nights away hard…

She's spending half the wk at home anyway and it's a long journey for a 4yr old for just a few hours.

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mondaytosunday · 05/10/2022 23:00

If I was one of your house mates I would not want this at all. The deal is sharing with professionals, not a family. Any guests should be fairly unobtrusive- your kid sounds anything but. I think it will lead to resentment even if they initially agree.

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pinkyredrose · 05/10/2022 23:04

nurseye · Today 13:17

Ive just looked at the pictures and the living room has one 3 seater sofa in it 😐 probably meaning we would take up all the room if partner and daughter were visiting.

You shouldn't expect to use the tiny communal sofa for your family, that space is for the paying residents. Your family should be in your room not taking over the residents area's.

It might be worth looking around for a weekly lodger availability in a family home, it's probably more suitable for your needs.

Good luck with whatever you do, it's great that you're being proactive and retraining to do something worthwhile and satisfying.

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GreenFly56 · 05/10/2022 23:07

@pattihews i completely agree. If i was in the house share id agree so as not to rock the boat but no way would i be sticking around. If there is access to a caravan definitely use that.

Re the socialising, in my experience the house shares that work best are when the housemates do socialise and form some kind of bond. I once lived in a house share with no living room and the kitchen was small so i never really got to no the other housemates. I stayed for 3 months. I absolutely hated it. You quickly feel awkward being in such close proximity to people you dont no and minor things they do will start to bug you. You might tollerate a friend not taking the bin out as soon as its full but you quickly get annoyed at people you dont no doing the same. That being said, iv lived with people who are studying and its been fine so i suppose it depends how cut off you will make yourself.

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Stopsnowing · 05/10/2022 23:10

You need to spend time with your family in your family home!

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Vecnussy · 05/10/2022 23:19

I'm not sure your expectations are compatible to shared living OP. It's really not normal for you to have your husband and child to stay over in a house full of professionals. It's quite obvious the other sharers felt too awkward to say they had an issue with it, especially as you 'explained it's so we both don't miss out', that's a guilt trip and unfair to impose on other sharers. You should find alternative accommodation on the days you want your family to stay over.

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sponsabillaries · 06/10/2022 08:46

Foxglovers · 05/10/2022 22:40

@pinkyredrose seeing her child??! Most people like spending time with theirs and would find regular nights away hard…

Yes, it will be hard, but OP will never be away for more than four nights. It is absolutely not in the best interests of the child to regularly put her through a 360 mile round trip within 48 hours, for the sake for a few hours with her mum who will be home in a couple of days. Once, as an adventure to see where mummy lives when she's away: absolutely. Monthly, no.

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