To feel this gutted about DH and my book

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

I probably am. Just surprised by how hurt I feel.

I’m one of those people who has wanted to write a book for years but lacked the confidence. I loved writing as a child but had a bad experience when toxic mother (now NC) found some of my writing and was so sneery about it I didn’t write again.

I had an idea for a novel years ago and earlier this year found the confidence to start writing it. At first I felt really uncomfortable about it and just imagined my mum looking over my shoulder and sneering at it. But I kept going and after a few weeks and 10,000 words found that I was really enjoying it. I’m now 155000 words into a novel that will hopefully be 450k words (big sweeping saga) and have absolutely fallen in love with writing again, I get so much enjoyment from bot the writing and the research as well as plotting, developing characters etc. It’s so hard to judge your own writing but I think what I’ve written so far is ok.

Have talked to DH about the book as I write it and he’s been reasonably interested. He actually has more of a background in writing than I do in terms of what he studied at Uni and parts of his job. I haven’t told anyone else I’m writing and asked him if he’d read what I’ve written so far. It felt like a big deal to share my writing with someone else and I told him to only read it when he has time.

Anyway he was away for a few days with lots of free time (ended up being much more than expected) and he said he’d read it then.

He got back yesterday and I guess I was hoping he’d bring it up and tell me what he thought. Eventually I asked him if he’d read it and he said, oh yeah meant to say, yeah I really liked it. He’d read only about 40 pages (he is a fast reader so not much for him) and didn’t seem to have much else to say about it. I asked him what he thought of a few aspects of it and he was very positive but didn’t seem to have put much thought into it.

I guess I’m just thinking about how it would have been if the roles were reversed, I’d have made the time to read it all and would have had lots to say even if I thought it was crap. At the very least I’d have said well done for picking up your own again and writing 1/3 of a book.

He has always made me feel as if he always has something more important than me going on so I guess it’s just a sore point. There’s always work to be done (he’s very invested in his job), a cup of tea to make it a pot to watch or a task that needs finished. Even on our wedding day I felt I hardly saw him as he was ‘just going to speak to X Y or Z - a couple of people joked on the day that I’d lost my husband as he was always off with someone else.

No snark please as I just feel really sad, I guess I just wanted a bit more encouragement.

That's not what that poster said though. They just said 'writing is a hobby.'

You can spin it however you want, it was still a demeaning put-down.

Exactly. Before someone would pay me I had to write for free. It wasn’t ‘a hobby’, it was my job that I had to do unpaid for a while. My hobbies are things I do to relax, writing isn’t something that I used to do ‘in my spare time’. You wouldn’t say that to someone who was training for the Olympics but was yet unsponsored.

I think if someone says 'writing is a hobby' it's easy enough to infer they're talking about people who don't get paid for it.

'Hobby' isn't a dirty word. Hobbyists often devote more hours to their pursuit than professionals.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps I shall clarify.

It was not intended as a put down, if OP or anyone else is getting paid for writing then it is a vocation. My friend is a published author and I have nothing but admiration for her. She has written since we were at school and I'm full of admiration for what she does.

In order to actually make a viable living she works at creative writing retreats and has to do a lot of visiting publishers and maintaining a profile on FB and other social media platforms.

Please read my previous post. Being unpaid doesn’t equate to a hobby.

Hi, I am sure he didn't mean to upset you. Could you sit him down to talk? My first book I actually brought it and gave to my partner and I think he flicked through but that was it. It's easy to feel sensitive but I am sure you are doing great!
I am now on book four and I buy myself copies but don't even bother getting my partner any now. Lol. Good luck!

Don't know which post you're talking about but I've read every page so evidently it didn't alter my view prior to my post. 🙂

I get the argument: writing for fun versus writing to eventually get paid, I just don't subscribe to it. There's nothing more serious than a hobb and I think anyone who takes offense to the term is being precious.

You very much don’t understand what it is like to be a writer and this is evident. Writing for free is not a hobby.

My first thought was that it is simply far too long. I'm late to the party here though as so many people have already told you that and you've taken it on board.
Glad your DH has now given some more feedback.
I can't bear historical novels - sorry, it's just not something that interests me. Ditto science fiction and fantasy.
So if a friend or relative gave me one of those to read and give feedback on I'm afraid I would give it a good try but I really would struggle to get into it and probably would give up.
That sounds like I'm rubbishing those genres and I have tried to read various books but it's just not something that appeals. I can appreciate good writing though and can also see why other people love them, but not for me.

The other things you posted about such as him always being busy with something else or talking to other people at your wedding - that sounds like a deeper problem. It sounds a bit needy to me but perhaps this stems from your toxic mother so if you could get counselling (perhaps you already have) to help you process this, it could be helpful to you.

This. I’m a copywriter for my day job, novelist in my evenings, with sidelines in proofreading and such. Writing and editing is work. Creative work that sometimes involves staring into space or going for a walk to make something click, sure, but it’s still labour in exchange for money – or labour in exchange for hoping eventually it will sell.

I’d no more expect DP to read a work-in-progress of mine or even the published work than I would expect him to want me to cast an eye over his data analysis code, or my best friend to ask me to sit in on the surgery she’s doing to critique her technique. Take your work seriously by seeking professional feedback and help, not that from friends and family. It’s good for the writing; it’s good for the relationships.

Lol, I've been both a paid writer and written a number of novels that will never see the light of day. Let's just agree we've failed to change each other's minds and leave it there.

writing for fun versus writing to eventually get paid, I just don't subscribe to it.

What exactly is it to which you don't subscribe? The idea that writing is a craft and a skill that a) not everyone can do and b) requires honing and development like any other skill?

I have absolutely no idea how you've taken that from my post - I made zero reference to ability or dedication.

I would love to read it. I am off for two days and love reading! 🙂

does the DH work in publishing? Is the DH a writer? Why would you give your writing to someone unqualified to read and comment on it? Its a HIGHLY skilled job to comment on writing. I think you have done this deliberately to be put off writing. I spent many years teaching people how to be creative. Stop being an idiot join a good writing group or pay for a reader to go over it.

‘Lol’ ?!

SURE you’ve been a written as a job, sure you have.

Academic publications are very different from creative works. They're much less personal, much less about an individual's taste, and there is a relatively objective standard of "good". I would far, far rather give someone feedback on their academic paper draft than their novel draft.

OP, gently, I think YABU, and I say this as a writer. Asking a loved one to read a creative work is really putting them in an unfair position. Maybe your work is technically good but just not his bag (is he much into sprawling family epics?) And now he has to read an entire novel that bores him and give you detailed feedback on how great it is or else he doesn't love you. Get a beta reader or join a writing group; your spouse cannot give you what you need on this and it's not fair to expect him to.

As PP have said the wedding thing is not really out of the ordinary, but if you feel that in daily life you don't really get his full attention, then talk to him about that. Without bringing this novel into it.

Well done, OP for getting 150K words to a third draft!! You've had a lot of good advice here about length - but don't feel bad. My first novel was also 450K. I managed to edit it down to 250K, and now (after several rounds of beta readers) it is sitting in drawer as I realised it was really just a prequel for the real story...

Your idea of a large series of linked books about 100K each sounds great - people get really excited if they recognise something from another book, and if you can make each standalone as well it would be a really good set.

My husband is in publishing, and he doesn't read my work - he's even in publishing in my genre, but I know his tastes are different. I've written literally one story that he liked. He read that one, and another one which he really disliked, and now we just have an agreement that he doesn't read my writing. I now have a published novel, which he did finally read after it was published - his response was "yeah, I can see how people would like this, but I wouldn't have bought it". So people definitely have different styles (he's at times written long encouraging rejections to authors saying basically 'I can see this is really good but it's not for us - here are some publishers that might like it' - he knows that he can't sell something his heart isn't in, even if its objective good).

Whenever anyone asks me to read something, I always ask first "do you want a critique or encouragement?" as they are somewhat different - critiques can be harsh, even if you do the "shit sandwhich" it can be hard to read criticism. Sometimes people just want to be told what they're doing is okay and to keep going; sometimes they really want to be told what they need for impreovement. So I think your DH didn't really know what to feed back, and how much you wanted things to improve versus just saying 'good job'. Sounds like maybe you aren't sure either? If you find yourself some good critiquing community, you can tell him that you'd like just some encouragement from him, and then it may make him feel more comfortable to just be positive and not worry that failing to point out a big issue will lead you wrong.

Curses, exposed as a non-writer for using a universally understood acronym on an internet message board. You got me, Columbo! 😆

I bet it does! I'm not saying that to be rude, but if you're looking to publish, PLEASE hire a proofreader/editor to look through it for you.

I work in the industry and so many people think they can proofread their own work. They can't. It comes out with many, many typos which people then leave bad reviews for.

Congrats on writing your book it's an amazing achievement!

But don't underestimate the importance of editing :).

Well I don't understand what you're saying. Writing is a hobby? What is it to which you don't subscribe?

Firstly, I’m jealous that you have over 150k written. I’m about 20k words into the book I’ve always wanted to write and have hit a wall- it’s not easy.

Writing falls into two categories-
Hobby
or
Work

Asking someone to read the book you’re writing as a hobby is the equivalent of asking them to stand on the side of a dirt track and watch you biking past when you’ve taken up cycling.

For those who write for a living, having families and friends read drafts is often unhelpful as they’re not always honest, and they don’t have an eye for syntax and story-telling.

Keep going with your writing, but I think you’re expecting too much from your husband here. He’s read some, and has given encouragement- that’s enough.

Perhaps if he knows about your Mum and prior history he is very cautious about what to say. Asking for views is not the same as getting encouragement - perhaps explain to him you really need a bit of boosting to keep you motivated?

There are writing threads on here that will give you great advice too.
Fwiw I've written a number of books. DH has only read the one that interested him. I don't expect my friends or family to read my work. One of my friends read one of my novels and sent me supportive and excited texts all the way through which was very sweet. I definitely don't expect that.
Everyone has opinions on writing. That doesn't mean their opinions are worthwhile or constructive so be careful how much weight you put on random stranger's opinions of your book.
Also, just a word of warning, I wouldn't send any of my books to nameless volunteers on the internet. Books are pirated all the time. There are lots of critique groups for different genres on Facebook, etc, where you can check profiles to see who you're interacting with and what their experience is. As well as lots of RL writing groups and circles.