To feel this gutted about DH and my book

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

I probably am. Just surprised by how hurt I feel.

I’m one of those people who has wanted to write a book for years but lacked the confidence. I loved writing as a child but had a bad experience when toxic mother (now NC) found some of my writing and was so sneery about it I didn’t write again.

I had an idea for a novel years ago and earlier this year found the confidence to start writing it. At first I felt really uncomfortable about it and just imagined my mum looking over my shoulder and sneering at it. But I kept going and after a few weeks and 10,000 words found that I was really enjoying it. I’m now 155000 words into a novel that will hopefully be 450k words (big sweeping saga) and have absolutely fallen in love with writing again, I get so much enjoyment from bot the writing and the research as well as plotting, developing characters etc. It’s so hard to judge your own writing but I think what I’ve written so far is ok.

Have talked to DH about the book as I write it and he’s been reasonably interested. He actually has more of a background in writing than I do in terms of what he studied at Uni and parts of his job. I haven’t told anyone else I’m writing and asked him if he’d read what I’ve written so far. It felt like a big deal to share my writing with someone else and I told him to only read it when he has time.

Anyway he was away for a few days with lots of free time (ended up being much more than expected) and he said he’d read it then.

He got back yesterday and I guess I was hoping he’d bring it up and tell me what he thought. Eventually I asked him if he’d read it and he said, oh yeah meant to say, yeah I really liked it. He’d read only about 40 pages (he is a fast reader so not much for him) and didn’t seem to have much else to say about it. I asked him what he thought of a few aspects of it and he was very positive but didn’t seem to have put much thought into it.

I guess I’m just thinking about how it would have been if the roles were reversed, I’d have made the time to read it all and would have had lots to say even if I thought it was crap. At the very least I’d have said well done for picking up your own again and writing 1/3 of a book.

He has always made me feel as if he always has something more important than me going on so I guess it’s just a sore point. There’s always work to be done (he’s very invested in his job), a cup of tea to make it a pot to watch or a task that needs finished. Even on our wedding day I felt I hardly saw him as he was ‘just going to speak to X Y or Z - a couple of people joked on the day that I’d lost my husband as he was always off with someone else.

No snark please as I just feel really sad, I guess I just wanted a bit more encouragement.

I didn't mean it to be offensive- I've had periods of my life where I have focused on writing on my spare time and I do know how difficult it can be. I didn't have the persistence to work through the editing process and became frustrated that the process took longer than I envisaged so I've parked it for now.

However I stand by what I've said. An activity done in one's spare time for personal enjoyment, is by definition a hobby. I don't see that as a bad thing, people should absolutely do what they enjoy in their own time.

But it's unfair to expect your DP to be the arbiter and judge of what you've written and it seems an odd measure to judge how caring or not he is.

Some where even insufferably bad (one guy had an entire chapter on leaves turning brown in autumn, added NOTHING to his story which was already seemingly about nothing more than someones generally uneventful day to day life including things like 3 pages on riding his bike to work and a page on making a cup of tea etc... but had been working on it for 4 YEARS)

Was it Ulysses? 😂

Also happy to give feed back if you want to send me some

My advice as a writer and editor: never ask anyone to read your work who isn't a professional in the industry. Preferably pay them for their time.

But it is a hobby unless it's your job.

Getting friends to read your stuff can be hit and miss.

My best friend now was really helpful pre-publish and read my final drafts whilst we were actually on holiday together and gave me real time reactions on the beach! I tentatively asked her, and she was kind enough to oblige as I often proofread her formal work writing and coursework. It was a huge help and really got me thinking about the final product. She reads and writes a lot and didn't feel weird that is was me as we are both brutally honest with each other.

A friend who OFFERED to read some of my work ten years ago said she had read it and adored it. She wasn't a nice person in the end (good riddance) and I don't know what happened to her, but I do remember asking her what she thought, and if she'd read all of it. About 7-8 chapters if I recall.

She exclaimed, almost simpering, "I read the whole thing, and love it so far. I can't wait for more, and I totally think Charlie is going to turn out to be our hero!"

Charlie was killed on page 7.

But for the OP (which is the context in which everyone is replying) it is a hobby. She isn't a professional writer now. Maybe she will be one day, maybe not (and the odds are against her), but right now writing is a hobby and creative outlet. I ice skate as a hobby. Professional figure skating is gruelling and cut throat and filled with pain, pressure and injury, but that doesn't apply to me when I'm doing my Learn to Skate Level 4 test!

Something being a hobby doesn't mean it can't take hours and lots of hard work, but the fact that something takes a long time and lots of work doesn't mean it isn't a hobby either.

Glad you’ve taken heed of the length. Almost no one is going to take a punt on a debut writer with a book that long. Just the paper costs will be five times that of a normal novel and it will necessitate hardback.

However, if you approach an agent with your first 30 pages and say, ‘this novel is complete, it’s part of a five-part saga that I have already plotted and am already writing’, that will make you an attractive prospect, so long as those words you submit are tight and excellent. Also, outline the first novel on one side of A4, but unusually, I’d include a second single page synopsis that outlines the entire saga. It’ll show your commitment to the story and that you’re already ahead of the game.

Until then, join a writers’ group, read widely, and keep writing.

My principle is not to read any work by friends or family. I used to get asked a lot as I write as part of my day job, but not anymore as they know my stance. It just doesn't work and muddies the friendship/relationship.

I have edited my husband's work for publication because English is not his first language, but only the grammar and spelling. I have never even commented on content.

Editors and reviewers can be harsh. I regularly receive several sides of A4 critiquing my work and it is a lot shorter than yours. It can be difficult to take.

You've had some great advice on this thread, good luck with your writing!

My DH is like yours - he once read a few pages of what I had written, but there was no feedback, no opinion, nothing. And he was not keen on ever reading anything of mine again, so I have given up asking him. It is very discouraging, and it took me a long time to find the confidence to let anyone read any of my stories. But now I have found support elsewhere, and that has helped a lot.

Someone already mentioned NaNoWriMo, and I can only second the recommendation. The annual main event is starting on 1 November. It's my 12th year taking part, and it's always great fun. If you decide to join, let me know. I can DM you my username, and we can be writing buddies. I usually write historical novels with an occasional foray into Fantasy.

Firstly congratulations on getting so much written! I'm a research historian so reading and writing is my job and it can be very difficult to get started, but finding your flow is very rewarding. Hang on to that positive feeling.

On the personal side, nobody in my family understands that what I do is a paid job nor has ever read any of my work despite me asking early on (I dont any more). For example, one publication won an award and I offered copies to my family who wrinkled their nose 'mmm nah you're alright. Well done though'. My DH is the complete opposite. He reads final drafts and suggests edits, which are sometimes not helpful so I just ignore them. I guess it's a balance and people closest to you can't always be impartial and honest. My harshest critic is my editor, so I'd be more prepared for that kind of feedback and/or rejection. A writing group should help get you into the back and forth of editing- and defending!- your work.

Finally, you say it's historical fiction. Please, please research every aspect of context. Everything from cutlery to clothing, animals to architecture, and transport to shoes. Historians are very snippy and can rubbish a book because someone wore the 'wrong' buttons 🙄

Wishing you all the best!

Honestly, as a writer and as a publisher of other writers - he’s not the best reader for your book anyway!
Immediate family members can be the worst in fact - give it a good edit and find some beta readers.

Unless an artist is wealthy or supported by a wealthy spouse, he or she can only make art in their spare time.

I wouldn't say that makes it a hobby (though of course it will be for some people.) It's a creative pursuit. You're aiming to get somewhere with it - publication, broadcasting, an audience of some kind. You are probably aiming to make money out of it at some point.

I'm a writer and while it's not my full time job, it's more than a hobby. I earn money from it, I have readers, I've won awards. It's a creative pursuit.

Whereas I also like to draw and paint, but I'm not pursuing anything with those endeavours. I just enjoy it in the moment and have no wish to become better or have people see my art. It just passes the time in a relaxing and meditative way. I consider it to be a hobby in this case.

However, I have friends who are artists, for whom drawing and painting are creative pursuits.

If you are super-sensitive (and it sounds like you are) you need to grow a thicker skin before you try submitting your book to editors and publishers.

I think you are being unfair to your husband. Maybe it's not his kind of reading and he's scared of upsetting you. He can't win in this situation other than a gushing 'Darling it's wonderful' which is what you seem to want.

Also the thing about hardly seeing you on your wedding day? Sounds like this is just him being him. If you have bigger issues in your marriage, you need to discuss these with him.

Oh, and it’s too long. But a good edit will sort that out… 100-120k words is a novel.
no-one will publish 450k for a 1st time novelist… but create a trilogy, and make the first one brilliant and you could be on to something.

@Mrsaspiringauthor I am in exactly the same position. But I’ve come to realise that what I’m writing is not DH’s genre. So I’m finishing up and am then going to look for a beta reader who actually likes YA fantasy novels. This can be tricky if, like me, you aren’t a big fan of online writing boards.

What genre is yours?

Is there a Mumsnet writer’s board?

I seriously cannot believe the poster who basically decided the H was just jealous of OPs genius and she could fulfill her literary destiny by leaving him.
Sheer projection fantasy and I seriously hope OP ignores it.
Wanna write seriously? Contact other writers in your genre. Don't ask someone who apparently can't do right whatever they say because you will only be satisfied with glowing praise. Not how it works, sorry.

congratulations OP on writing a third of a saga! Really well done, most people only dream about it. Very cool and your love of writing really comes across.

I'm sorry your mother has been sneery, ugh! what a low thing to do to a child. But you're grown up now and have prevailed despite this negative experience, go you!

your DH's reaction seems fairly normal tbh? I bet he hasn't realised how close to your heart this whole book writing and sharing is and that's why he hasn't reacted in an ideal way. I would have reacted like your DH but likely with more praise for the 40 pages I had read and not make many more comments and suggestions. Maybe the topic doesn't interest him.

But I also sense there's another underlying issue that you and DH could chat about?

This sounds like it isn’t about the book, but more deep-seated concerns and feelings you have… It would be worth exploring these with your DH or even in couples therapy as the fact that you don’t feel valued by him will potentially eat away at you / your relationship.

This video is a good one!

Think someone has already mentioned it but On Writing by Stephen King is very good.

One very important thing I took was to leave a piece unread for minimum 6 weeks then proof read it, you'll have fresh eyes.

The other was kill your babies. Not literally of course but take a big hatchet to the story and remove anything unnecessary.

Movies for instance often edit out entire characters to shorten the length without upsetting the plot.

Firstly well done on the book,sounds like you have enjoyed writing it,and got something positive.If your DM was critical of you you may be being over sensitive here .He has read some of it and thats fine ,Whether he likes it or not is immaterial really ,everyone has different tastes,Unless you run it by a publisher you will never really know if it meets their requirements from a commercial viewpoint.I think you are being a little unreasonable to be fair

What's your 'elevator pitch', OP? The 1-2 sentence description of your book that would make a publisher interested?

I found when I did some writing it was helpful to keep that in mind so I stayed on track. We'd all like to win the Booker but as a debut writer commercial realism is
a much more valuable trait to a publisher.

The family saga from early time sounds like Edward Rutherford's books to me. I enjoyed them, but they are a long read!

This is one of those times where you're comparing what you would have done (read the whole thing) to what he did (read 40 pages) and then you're transplanting what you would be thinking to only read 40 pages into his head.
Because you would have done it differently, reading less would be because you didn't care/weren't that interested/didn't put much effort in etc
I feel that could be unfair. I think it's just a different approach - he's read a decent sample of your writing, got a sense of how you write, a good impression of what the book will be like, and he's been positive and encouraging.
You're actually writing the thing so every minute detail is important to you and you have so many questions about what you should write because you are creating.
But he's not your co-author or editor. He's in effect a consumer.
He's tried it, liked it and I'm sure will be encouraging when you get to the publishing stage.
Good luck and well done you for what you're doing.