To feel this gutted about DH and my book

[Mrsaspiringauthor]

I probably am. Just surprised by how hurt I feel.

I’m one of those people who has wanted to write a book for years but lacked the confidence. I loved writing as a child but had a bad experience when toxic mother (now NC) found some of my writing and was so sneery about it I didn’t write again.

I had an idea for a novel years ago and earlier this year found the confidence to start writing it. At first I felt really uncomfortable about it and just imagined my mum looking over my shoulder and sneering at it. But I kept going and after a few weeks and 10,000 words found that I was really enjoying it. I’m now 155000 words into a novel that will hopefully be 450k words (big sweeping saga) and have absolutely fallen in love with writing again, I get so much enjoyment from bot the writing and the research as well as plotting, developing characters etc. It’s so hard to judge your own writing but I think what I’ve written so far is ok.

Have talked to DH about the book as I write it and he’s been reasonably interested. He actually has more of a background in writing than I do in terms of what he studied at Uni and parts of his job. I haven’t told anyone else I’m writing and asked him if he’d read what I’ve written so far. It felt like a big deal to share my writing with someone else and I told him to only read it when he has time.

Anyway he was away for a few days with lots of free time (ended up being much more than expected) and he said he’d read it then.

He got back yesterday and I guess I was hoping he’d bring it up and tell me what he thought. Eventually I asked him if he’d read it and he said, oh yeah meant to say, yeah I really liked it. He’d read only about 40 pages (he is a fast reader so not much for him) and didn’t seem to have much else to say about it. I asked him what he thought of a few aspects of it and he was very positive but didn’t seem to have put much thought into it.

I guess I’m just thinking about how it would have been if the roles were reversed, I’d have made the time to read it all and would have had lots to say even if I thought it was crap. At the very least I’d have said well done for picking up your own again and writing 1/3 of a book.

He has always made me feel as if he always has something more important than me going on so I guess it’s just a sore point. There’s always work to be done (he’s very invested in his job), a cup of tea to make it a pot to watch or a task that needs finished. Even on our wedding day I felt I hardly saw him as he was ‘just going to speak to X Y or Z - a couple of people joked on the day that I’d lost my husband as he was always off with someone else.

No snark please as I just feel really sad, I guess I just wanted a bit more encouragement.

I love short stories and they are growing in popularity, more anthologies every year which is great. I think they’re harder to write, you have to be really succinct in getting your point across, your build up, your twist in the story. It takes real talent and creativity.

Totally understand. Showing someone your work is like flaying off your skin and exposing yourself to them. I would have hoped for a better and more encouraging response from my other half as well. He sounds like a bit of a dick. Perhaps he’s jealous. One of my friends is a successful author and I know I’m a bit jealous of her as I was always the one who wrote as a child and thought that I would one day be a writer - but then she just got on and did it without making any fuss about it!

First thing first, give yourself a big tap on your back for getting back into writing and putting your energy out there.

Big part of how you feel here with your husband is most likely to do with your past.
You would need to resolve what happened with you and how your mum rejected your work. So this has created a pattern of looking acceptance and validation. We all
know that we have different taste when it comes to books and authors. You need to know who is your audience, create story blogs and start publishing short stories or part of stories for audience to read. Let them speak for you. If you mix your relationship with your writing tha this will
be difficult.

Join writers and authors group, go and book some writing courses so you get to show your work to the teachers and fellow
srudent. You will have like minded people like you and shared common goal. This will help you feel comfortable and confident in long run.

submit your writings on online platforms … and there are many other things you can do.

I am women’s confidence coach, please feeL
free to reach out. Happy to talk and help you move forward with your new exciting career.

Good luck!
Binita

It sounds very GOT in style so I honestly don’t think the length would be too long (it takes Martin years and years to write them!) but I think it sounds amazing OP

well done you for pursuing something you love and if you find yourself in need of other impartial readers I would love to give it a read 🥰

I have so deliberately and completely separated myself from my husbands art as a matter of self preservation. First of all, I don’t like his work most of the time. Second of all, I hate the fact that I can see myself in most of his work. I am a wife, not a muse. Thirdly, he had exactly zero self esteem and he uses it to validate himself. He can’t see that his value is in himself and not his work and I highly object to that. He probably does wish I was more involved in his work and interested, but I think personally that honesty is more important.
I think in my case it’s pertinent to explain that my DH has mental health issues and I felt that the ability to be honest was more valuable to us than than the validation he feels he can get through his art.
He has a nice art circle now and I note that they all seem to have the same need for constant validation, and he does exhibitions and sells and all that, but I hope he understands that I am with him for who he is a person, not as an artist.

think some things should be separate from family members. This includes tutoring siblings. I have horrible memories of my younger sister teaching me maths. I would have learnt more with an impartial tutor.

I think it’s a massive achievement OP! You should be really proud of yourself. Glad to hear that your DH has come back to you with more comments. I can understand why you were initially disappointed in his response, it’s a personal thing showing someone your writing. But as long as you’re open to constructive criticism, I don’t see the problem. I’m also interested in reading a few chapters if you felt comfortable sharing!

Can I just unlurk to say well done OP. A PP mentioned beta readers - what are they?

A test reader, like a test audience for films. To give an idea of how the average reader will respond to the book.

I do understand how you feel OP. I'm in my 5th editing stage and mines never read it. He isn't a reader though and I just have to accept that he won't ever read it.

I am glad you've reconsidered the length of your book or at least how you intend to present it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, mine would to concentrate on the first book and make that perfect.

Best of luck OP.

I don't think asking family to review works. Loved ones don't want to upset you. A friends brother did this with his book. Everyone was very polite about it but no real feedback. I read it. I gave him a list of things that I had issues with and explained why. My friend thought I had been too harsh and expected him to be upset or even offended. But he was pleased someone finally gave him an honest review. He sorted some things I had pointed out others he left in and explained why.

That is a massive tome..Can it not be distilled it down into something more manageable?

Books the size of 'War and Peace'' can be off-putting to many people.

I bought a book that was touted on a Facebook group.
As I was interested in the subject, I bought one, and when it arrived, it was obvious it self~ published.

A good editor is a blessing!

RR's books are way too long. The only reason he gets away with it is that he's RR and he has an audience that will swallow anything, and GoT wasn't such a beast as the later novels.

Martin's books are now so long even he can't be bothered to write them.

Yep. He needs a much more aggressive editor at least ten years ago.

Hi OP, well done on getting to a third draft! I'm writing too and still stuck on the first draft after a year! Would I be able to have a read?

I'd expect praise from my DH when I’d achieved something, not just for trying.

Don't be ridiculous, OP HAS achieved something. If you'd read the full OP you'd have understood that. But you just wanted to be sneery and horrible.

Honestly, my OH and my family don’t read my blogs, and I couldn’t them to read my co-authored work as beta readers (it’s their preferred genre). Does it hurt? Yes, of course, but you’re better keeping it professional. We got really helpful feedback from people who genuinely wanted to read it and where there was no personal connection. Give that a go and brilliant work on getting so much written!

My DH would have exactly the same sort of reaction. I don’t really bother asking for his advice about anything anymore as it just annoys me that he’s not arsed about things that I think he should be interested in 🤣 A huge well done for getting your book started! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I would also love to write a book.

I bought a book that was touted on a Facebook group. As I was interested in the subject, I bought one, and when it arrived, it was obvious it was self-published.

@oakleaffy - most self-publishing authors do use editors and proofreaders! But depending on their budget, they may not hire the best editors and proofreaders...

Self publishing isn't quite the automatic stamp of 'dire crap' it used to be since books went digital so I wouldn't judge a book based purely on that...

Of course if it is also self-edited and proof read, well thats frankly impossible to do, theres only so many times you can read your own words back before you glaze over and stop seeing what's actually there!

People cut corners thinking they can use friends to edit and proof read, or simply believing they've done a good enough job themselves and they never have!

Self publishing isn't quite the automatic stamp of 'dire crap' it used to be since books went digital so I wouldn't judge a book based purely on that...

whilst it isn’t an “automatic stamp”, it is a very very strong indicator

I have a list as long as my arm of the all the books I am desperate to read over the coming year (Obama’s recommended reading list is brilliant source of ref btw!), so for me to read a self published book (let alone buy it), it would be in the either of the following scenarios

1. the self published book is by a very close family member or friend
2. there’s been an apocalypse and every book has been wiped out. And I find in an empty ransacked home, a self published book

There may be a big difference between fiction and non-fiction/reference though... my personal experience is with non-fiction, and yes a strong existing following for the relevant topic - if the income from it were soley mine, I'd have changed tax bracket as a result of the first 4 months sales alone!

But we did pay for proof reading and editing!

I don’t understand

are you say you’d be more willing to take a punt with a self published fiction OR non fiction writer?

neither for me…. Too many awesome books on my hit list and time too precious to risk on a book that professionals with experience have kicked out the park