I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

[BrinaEds]

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

Nope. You will spend the rest of your pregnancy worrying about 30 people coming to wreck your house when you are in labour or settling down a newborn. Not to mention the figures for covid are rising, so you don't want to risk coming into contact with all those strangers. It's unbelievably unreasonable of anyone to ask this of a heavily pregnant woman, it doesn't matter how many favours you owe them, it's a shitty thing to ask. Put your baby first and say no.

Both my kids were born before the 9 month mark!! Are they crazy asking this of you?! They must be, along with being massive CFers. Sod going through your husband re: communicating with them, and definitely sod allowing him to "do all the work". It would be a firm no from me. You need rest (and if you have your baby by then, believe me, you'll definitely NOT want a houseful of people having a party).

Like others have said, you need to start setting firm boundaries on things like this now. Here's an example of why it's important (sorry, it's long!)....

My (now ex*) husband one day came up with the "fabulous" idea of bring his DP (who lived about 30miles away) back to our place to stay for "a few weeks". Why? FIL had an awful chest infection. Now normally, I wouldn't hesitate to help/do what I can, but when I got to the bottom of it all, I found out that he'd seen a GP (after I'd suggested this to him about 10 days prior, when he told me he didn't feel great), had steroids and antibiotics prescribed...but then couldn't be arsed to take them as he thought he didn't need them.

He then got worse, phoned my XH and between them, they came up with the idea that PIL would come stay with us so that FIL can recuperate. I worked FT then (still do), was the sole breadwinner then (I still am), have 2DC (the youngest at that point was a poorly baby who didn't sleep properly). XH did the absolute minimum with the kids and around the flat. FIL was also a very heavy pipe smoker, and XH was willing to allow this to carry on in our home, "because it wouldn't be right to deprive FIL, whilst he's recovering". Oh and we lived in a 2 bedroom flat. XH said that PIL could have our room, and we'd sleep in the front room. MIL is doubly incontinent, FIL was also incontinent, both in poor health anyway. Anyway, XH told me of this plan....and I told him very clearly that if he brought them to our place, I'd turn them around and send them all back, and if he was that worried about them, he could go and bloody well go stay there**. I also spoke to FIL and told him to bloody start taking the meds (i.e. help himself) and see his GP.

*this sort of shit is the reason that he's now an ex husband!!

**now this goes against my nature normally. I'd do anything to help people, particularly family, and my upbringing always drilled it into me to be respectful toward my elders, and my husband...but it was the utter selfishness of XH and PIL that got me. FIL had seen a GP, got meds but then refused to take them. He then wondered why he got worse and expected to come to my place where "it's ok, TicTac is a nurse, she'll look after us all whilst I convalesce". The worse thing was XH didn't stop his dad and tell him no. He didn't stop to think that I was already working my butt off, juggling the DC (and dealing with him) and didn't need this on top of everything else. And stupidly, I felt so guilty saying no as it goes so against my nature. I remember being really upset and speaking to my mum about it, and she told me that I'd done the right thing, and that I had to put in firm boundaries on things otherwise they'd just walk all over me.

A simple “sorry that won’t be possible it’s far too close to my due date for me to be able to guarantee anything!”

Perhaps your dh doesn’t see it as an issue because he hasn’t understood how childbirth works?
Ask what his plan is if you go into labour 30 minutes before the guests are due to arrive, and the hospital says it’s far to early to come in, and all you really find helpful is to crawl on hands and knees around your living room while mooing loudly for 6 hours?
Ask what his plan is on the day of the party, if you are in hospital with your newborn and he has been awake for 72 hours, and it feels like all his fingers are dislocated, and he’s in Tescos trying to find extra-small nappies and some nipple cream when his mum wants vol-au-vents heating?
Ask what his plan is during the party if you’re sitting on the sofa with both breasts out, cabbage leaf on one, baby cluster-feeding on the other; occasionally handing him the screaming baby so you can go for a wee in the bath whilst pouring warm water over your bits because your stitches hurt so much?

You just don’t need the added hassle and stress. It’s completely unnecessary, DH should be making your life as stress-free as possible as you prepare to go through one of the biggest events of your life.

but I don't feel like I can say no

Yes, you absolutely can. Tell her it's your due date so it won't be possible.

I don't feel like I can say no

WHY?

Stop being a complete pushover. Just tell her it's not convenient.

"Oh dear, I've seen my midwife and been advised to rest as my BP is up a bit, obviously we can't host the party now, sorry"

You would be crazy to allow this party in your home!!!!

I don't feel like I can say no

Then you will just have to hold the party won't you?

Is this some kind of of joke? Eff no. Don't be afraid to say it either. It's a cheek to even ask

This OP. Today is the day to start enforcing your boundaries, your ILs wants should never trump your or your baby's needs!

Please update, I would hate to think you've been bullied into this!!

FFS just tell your DH to tell his parents NO.
He must be a total arsehole to have not told his parents to do one already. Does he expect you to be running round after everyone, cooking for everyone on Xmas day when you are about to drop? Can't believe the shit that people put up with.

You're about to become a mother. You'll need a backbone so you can stand up for your child. Start practising saying no that's just not going to work for me now!

Do you know how many babies come before their due date? How many times you might be visiting hospital for reduced movements etc the week or two before? Say no!

How far along in the planning is the party?

If they have just asked and the party is not for 6 months then tell you dh to tell them he has slept on the idea and it is not feasible as you will be uncomfortable and might give birth anytime around that date.

If they asked 6 months ago and have done a lot of planning, guests are travelling, caterers organised, and the party is next week then it gets a bit harder......... but not impossible.

Sod that.

They can hire a local village hall, or a pub function room, or a local restaurant.

DH can knock up some vol-au-vents and cheese/pineapple hedgehogs to repay the catering favour.

I'd be pointing out that the idea's all well and good, but what if you go into labour early or end up hospitalised for some reason?
What would they do for a party then? Say no. It's ridiculous to expect you to do this.

but I don't feel like I can say no.

One of the most liberating things in my life has been learning to say no, or even , sorry that doesn't work for me.

I've not had to do it much, and I'm generally a warm, friendly person but I can say sorry, no without giving any reason, so there are no arguments to counter.

It's great, I recommend it to you.

None of this sounds good.

You have a pair of manipulative ILs and a H who is afraid to say boo to his mummy. They have set up you and DH to feel obliged to them in order to find out where his loyalty lies. Yes, you were set up. The foot in the door was elbowing you out of the way and taking over DH's party.

You have very little time before the baby arrives to establish the fact in your H's heart and mind that your H owes you 100% of his support amd he doesn't owe his mother anything for muscling in on his party.

Dig in your heels in the nicest possible way and refuse to host this party.

Make no preparations. Do no cleaning. Do not attend the party if your H refuses to stand up to his mother. H can tidy, clean, and do all the donkey work himself.

Tell them to rent a room at a local pub/restaurant if they're determined to have a party when you're 9 months pregnant.

Why can't you say no???

but I don't feel like I can say no.

Then you'll need to learn fast.

If you don't then in no time at all you'll find you have a screaming toddler you can't control. 🙄

If you’re going to become a parent, you need to learn how to say NO and mean it.

It’s no good blaming the other party for trying to coerce you. They can say and do whatever they like, but you have to learn to stand up for yourself (and your child/children).

Once you’ve done it a few times it will suddenly get much easier because they’ll realise that you’re no longer a push-over and will move on to trying it on with someone else.

It's in 3 weeks, that's all the notice given. I think they must have had this planned all along given the short notice

3 weeks? 😯 How stupid are they for asking you when you are already heavily pregnant? You could have your baby at time from now. No matter what planning has been done, they'll have to find another venue.