Page 23 | I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

BrinaEds · 2022-10-04T12:20:52+00:00

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

HotWashCycle · 11/10/2022 19:45

Have you done it yet OP? You absolutely have to put your health and the baby's first and tell them that there will be NO party at your house. This is a watershed moment. You need to grow a backbone and TELL them straight and asap that the party is NOT going ahead. Then block their phones. All this talk of going to hotels or going upstairs is not on. This is your home. You need the full use of it when you are about to have a baby or may even have had the baby. Your DH is an absolute disgrace. Show him this if you like. Cancel it now. They have time to re-arrange. Just do it.

DahliaRose3 · 12/10/2022 12:26

Any updates OP?

QuitWhileAhead · 12/10/2022 17:46

I'm not sure I agree that anyone has behaved as badly as most other posters seem to think they have.
The in laws have helped OP and her husband with renovations and pitched in with the previous party. They could have asked their son if it was ok for him to host the party and he has said yes and told them not to worry about the OP as he has promised her that he is doing all the preparation and cleaning up. If I go and stay with any of adult kids or make arrangements with them I wouldn't also ask their partners. I'd leave that for them. I think that's normal.
They weren't to know that the OP minds and they weren't to know their son didn't discuss it properly with his wife.
I also think the "OMG GERMS!!" argument is a bit limp as the OP seemed like she would have gone to a hotel for a night so wasn't too concerned about germs with that. I also think that worrying about what happens if the baby comes soon or if the OP gets I'll is a bit OTT. If that happens you cancel the party 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I can see why the OP doesnt want the party. I wouldn't want it if I were in her circumstances but I'd have told everyone. I feel like all the posters who are encouraging the OP to be furious and telling her to start giving ultimatums etc aren't actually thinking of what's best for her. I think they are just enjoying the drama.

Gymnopedie · 12/10/2022 18:51

OP you need to gird your loins (I was never sure what that actually meant although I knew what it referred to) but anyway, gird them. And next time this is discussed with D H give him a hard Paddington stare and say calmly 'so you would rather upset me than your mother'. Then stop talking, continue with the stare and let the silence hang in the room. His response will tell you everything you need to know. And then you can decide on your next move, short and longer term.

Because PPs are right, there'll be a lot more of this, it isn't a one off.

Canthave2manycats · 13/10/2022 20:34

QuitWhileAhead · 12/10/2022 17:46

I'm not sure I agree that anyone has behaved as badly as most other posters seem to think they have.
The in laws have helped OP and her husband with renovations and pitched in with the previous party. They could have asked their son if it was ok for him to host the party and he has said yes and told them not to worry about the OP as he has promised her that he is doing all the preparation and cleaning up. If I go and stay with any of adult kids or make arrangements with them I wouldn't also ask their partners. I'd leave that for them. I think that's normal.
They weren't to know that the OP minds and they weren't to know their son didn't discuss it properly with his wife.
I also think the "OMG GERMS!!" argument is a bit limp as the OP seemed like she would have gone to a hotel for a night so wasn't too concerned about germs with that. I also think that worrying about what happens if the baby comes soon or if the OP gets I'll is a bit OTT. If that happens you cancel the party 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I can see why the OP doesnt want the party. I wouldn't want it if I were in her circumstances but I'd have told everyone. I feel like all the posters who are encouraging the OP to be furious and telling her to start giving ultimatums etc aren't actually thinking of what's best for her. I think they are just enjoying the drama.

I can't agree. I think her husband and MIL's behaviour is a disgrace - foisting a party on the OP so near to her due date, is worse than inconsiderate.

I don't think anyone is "enjoying the drama" either. I think people are shocked at how the mum-to-be's comfort is being ridden over roughshod.

I guess the OP hasn't come back because she's letting them away with it, and it's a huge red flag...

Original poster

BrinaEds · 14/10/2022 11:01

UPDATE!!!

Morning All!! So my IL stopped by unannounced yesterday to drop something off and I had been napping on the sofa but got up to greet them.

They said they wanted to talk to me and proceeded to say that they have decided to hold the birthday party at their own home and will find a way to cut down the invites to make it work. Naturally I was internally overjoyed but didn't want to come across too pleased. They said that my condition had crossed their mind before asking but when DH didn't seem to think that would be an issue they cracked on with their plans but after my last message they felt it wasn't fair and I should really just rest and nest. I was sooooo surprised to hear all of this!

I cautiously said that if I wasn't pregnant and this far along I would always help where I can but I just don't have it in me at the moment as you can see I'm just soo tired all the time. I added that DH said he would handle things if there's really no other options and they said that they wouldn't want me to not feel free in my own home so decided that even if it's not in their home it will be somewhere else regardless.

So that's a WIN!! Definitely not the all guns blazing fire of glory but a win none the less. DH will be going to the party but I will not but I'm still mindful about covid, I know a few people that have picked it up over the last week alone so I'm hoping DH is mindful about his interactions when the time comes.

Honestly thank you all soooooo much for all your advice, and perspectives on this. This community is amazing!!! Now I can countdown to the arrival of our little one is a clean, well stocked and peaceful home lol

Happy Friday!! ❤️

OP posts:

Tillow4ever · 14/10/2022 11:03

Great news, although take steps to isolate your DH when he comes home in case he catches covid and gives it to you, as you're concerned about that.

Good luck for having your baby!

Kitkatcatflap · 14/10/2022 11:07

All turned out good in the end. I am glad they came to their senses and it doesn't leave any bad feeling. Sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Good luck

LatersKwasi · 14/10/2022 11:11

It is good news but please learn from this that they are going to be pushy in-laws regarding your child, and make sure you are more boundaried and firm in the future.

BadNomad · 14/10/2022 11:16

It's not really a win. You're still stuck with your selfish, inconsiderate, unsupportive husband.

HotWashCycle · 14/10/2022 11:19

Great news. Echoing LatersKwasi - also that this result happened not because of you but in spite of you not doing anything to protect your baby and yourself. Do enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, but for later be aware that you have an issue with your DH and how he considers your importance, (telling you to be elsewhere) and an issue with boundaries and assertion. You will need to get more of a spine to protect your child as he or she grows up. I do wonder why you did not tell your in-laws at the beginning why you had a problem with the party.

SalviaOfficinalis · 14/10/2022 11:39

That’s great OP, but you’ve still got the issue that your DH was happy to go along with it.

Make sure that he knows once the baby is here, you will be deciding who comes round and when, not him.

DPotter · 14/10/2022 11:43

Brina
delighted on your news.

I echo others however - you need to give serious consideration as to how you exert your wishes. There would have been nothing wrong with you re-acting to you In-laws by saying something like "I'm so relieved you've decided to hold the party at yours"

enjoy the last days of your pregnancy and let us know when the baby is born - we all love a newborn!

Worthyornot · 14/10/2022 11:51

BadNomad · 14/10/2022 11:16

It's not really a win. You're still stuck with your selfish, inconsiderate, unsupportive husband.

This. You need to tackle this op. He didn't care for your situation and well being AT ALL. You had to deal with it and message your IL. They seem like reasonable people.

Sisisimone · 14/10/2022 12:11

I'm glad it worked out for you but your DH sounds an absolute cock. I'd be furious but then again just wouldn't entertain being with a man like this.

Quarique · 14/10/2022 12:33

I wonder who showed them this thread!

GabriellaMontez · 14/10/2022 12:34

Glad you've sorted something.
You say Naturally I was internally overjoyed but didn't want to come across too pleased.

Why? I think it would be entirely appropriate to express your honest relief. Perhaps you generally need to speak more freely?

Anamechangeisasgoodasarest · 14/10/2022 12:58

Good outcome OP.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

SingleMamaG · 14/10/2022 13:00

Ye-Ha! Glad it’s sorted and happy Friday!

Imogensmumma · 14/10/2022 13:07

Quarique · 14/10/2022 12:33

I wonder who showed them this thread!

Agreed!! They didn’t just realise based on your last message , I think they heard about the thread and probably got a bit embarrassed 🤣🤣

squishee · 14/10/2022 13:48

So happy to hear that sanity has been restored. Thanks for updating OP :)

angela99999 · 14/10/2022 14:09

Sorry, am a little bit behind with the posts but so pleased the hear that the ILs have decided to hold the party at their house. They really don't sound too bad, just mislead by your DH's encouragement to hold the party at your house. Is it your first baby? Perhaps he simply didn't understand how you felt, or how stressy the whole party would be. He certainly does now...
This is the best outcome you could have hoped for OP, I don't see any reason that your ILs would turn out to be pushy granparents, people who have had children usually realise that it is YOUR baby, not theirs.
Don't let other posters drive a wedge between you all.

LaughingCat · 14/10/2022 14:09

Woo! So pleased for you, OP. That was a really tough situation to deal with, especially with how tired you’ve been. Enjoy the rest of your nest and rest!

MeridianB · 14/10/2022 14:27

This feels like such an unexpected change of perspective with the ILs that it makes me wonder if your H ever put them off at all or actually encouraged this.

So a good outcome with them, but sadly, as others point out, your H problem lingers. At least you know what you're up against now. Really hope you enjoy the rest of your mat leave.

billy1966 · 14/10/2022 14:59

OP, only in the deepest of deepest denials could someone find this situation and its outcome a win.

Your nasty excuse of a husband told you to leave your own home, where you pay most.

So his family can use your home whilst you are about to give birth, and trying to avoid a virus, that could seriously impact you and your baby.

Only on MN is this a win🤷🏻‍♀️

You poor, poor deluded woman.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is and you are determined to look the other way.

This will undoubtedly cost you into the future.

Look after your job, finances, friends and family, with a waster like him, you are going to need them all.

Every good wish for the birth.