I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

[BrinaEds]

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

Time to go ballistic. “No this is not happening it is very unreasonable” and keep repeating it til someone gets it through their big thick head! No blooming way. You’ve got to say NO and mean it.

I'm stunned.

I can't believe you're rolling over. This is a massive red flag in your relationship that he isn't interested in your reservations or that you will be about to have his baby.

Have you really explicitly told him all this? Not just why you can't be involved but why he shouldn't be prioritising this party over his pregnant wife?

I’d be threatening divorce and moving out. What scum to do this to a heavily pregnant woman.

I’d be threatening divorce and moving out. What scum to do this to a heavily pregnant woman

Tbh I think I would do that too. And I'd go back to my parents for a few weeks. Even though this would cause some issues regarding the ante-natal care and birth.
I absolutely would not put up with what has happened here. but they'd have all been told absolutely not in the first place so it possibly wouldn't have got to this stage

Since it's going ahead, I would be requesting (to my husband, the lame duck) that everything be put back exactly as before. Same number of loo rolls etc. That you are not subsidising it etc. and if this does not happen, you will be looking to relocate closer to your family. Living in a big house, that can be commandeered by family and not respected is no way to live. Be clear on the baby contact expectations too- they are likely to be trampled or dodged.

You are being bullied, both by your dh and his family and the baby hasn’t even arrived yet.
How can you dh prioritise anything but you at the moment?

This would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s that serious. I would ask him to leave. I could not stay with a man that had so little regard for me and our baby. If he is like this now what does the future hold?

I am so sorry you are going through this, I am angry for you.

I would never be able to look at my DH again and I'd certainly never want to have sex with him again. I would always remember this time when I was pregnant with our first child and he put his family before the health and well-being of his wife and unborn child. Some things make you look at a person in a new light and you can never undo that.

I’m sorry this is still happening. What would happen if you were in the early stages of labour and still at home? Is there a backup plan for that? Or even if you do have the baby early and you’ve just got home from the hospital?

He knows I don't want this to happen, we've spoken about it almost everyday and his response is literally "then don't be around" I genuinely believe that he already said yes because coming to tell me about it thinking I would be ok with it so shouldn't be an issue.

Also when I got the message from the IL I wanted to guage how far along this thing really was and I don't know these people (also I think I missed out that it's a birthday party) H is likely to know some people but not everyone one. once she said the invites were out what can I do, she's given a bunch of strangers my address, I was today years old when any details were actually disclosed. My IL have children, my SIL had a horrible pregnancy but can be selfish when she wants what she wants. The fact that the only response to message was I understand is a bs response. I've heard nothing since so tells me that opinion doesn't matter.

My H is not on my side, his family lack common sense and do not care what I say. I'm very much alone like I'm the mad person in all of this for not wanting these people in my house.

Thankfully they don't!

I am a first time mum, I don't think I was ever really given the choice tbh. I think DH accepted it then asked me after the fact thinking I would be ok with it. The fact that when I said to DH that this should happen somewhere else his response was "but we just had my birthday here" that was over a month ago and I wasn't full term.

I have no idea but I imagine the will ages between 1-7yrs.

I plan on locking all doors upstairs including the nursery.

Pack a bag and go to the nearest hotel for the weekend - a lovely spa one that H has to pay for. He wants you out of the way, great! Have a lovely weekend on him. And when you return it better be clean and tidy or you’ll go back for another week - on him! Then you can relax and have a lovely calm experience while he deals with the aftermath.

It's all very well your DH saying he'll do everything...
So if you're in labour the day before, and his family expect him to be pulling his weight for the party prep. Will he be at the hospital with you or moving furniture at home?
Or you've had the baby and they discharge you right in the middle of the party? Can't imagine the post natal ward staff will say, fine we don't need your bed, stay another night!

I'm going to see about booking a cheap and cheerful hotel near by.

Thankfully I work and I am financially independent. I help DH out alot financially (not that his family have any idea the things Ive done for him because if they did and this thinking would be very difficult - I hope) but I could literally leave tomorrow and be fine in the end. I do plan to go back to work after mat leave so I hope my feelings about that don't change after baby arrives.

My parents have travelled but when they get back I've asked my mum to come and stay in the spare room for support.

My family would never even think of making such a request let alone actually let the request leave their mouths.

Although we're married and for me marriage is meant to be forever I will be working on an exit plan should the need ever arise. This is the first major issue we've had so I'm watching this space. Having a baby will change things, either for the better or the worst.

Do they have keys to your house? Change the locks if so.

Thankfully they don't!

If I were you I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Ok OP so let's say hypothetically as per a pp, you go into labour and return with baby just after the party, without the house being cleaned. Let's say even without them knowing, someone brought in germs that turn out to be life threatening for your newborn.

Are you still OK with it? Is he?

I would usually say that if it's a problem with your DH's parents then he needs to deal with it. But it sounds like you've tried that and he's failed to do so. By the time of the party you could have a new baby to look after, could be in labour or could be unwell- but he seems prepared to allow you to have to be alone in a bedroom or a hotel at this time. I think the time has come for you to speak directly to your ILs and tell them that you have no way of knowing what your state of health will be at that date so the party will need to be either cancelled or moved to a different venue. If they say that they have agreed it with your DH, point out that he is not the one carrying a child and that if he does not support you in this decision you will assume he is moving out.

What if the baby is already here or you go into labour on the day has he thought about this

what a slefish shit

This is a masterclass in how NOT to be assertive. You missed so many opportunities to just. Say. No.

I got the message about hosting through DH
"No DH, we are not hosting this party, you'll have to tell your parents to make other arrangements."

my IL finally messaged me directly and asked if I was aware of the plans, I said it was mentioned.
"DH told me about the party idea, I'm afraid it's a no from me, I'm sure you understand."

I asked about all of that and if invites had been sent out - the answer I got was basically yes invites were out (I am yet to see it)
At this point would you not go apeshit?! They have sent out invitations to a party at your house without your knowledge or permission! Where on earth is your backbone?! At this point you get angry and tell them to contact everyone to cancel/change venue or give you the guest list so you can do it yourself! And if they refuse you insist on DH moving out or you move out yourself!

I said I'm not going to be around for it because I'm not comfortable with it
The response was "ok in understand". Not ok we'll move it or cancel.
What on earth makes you think that they were going to decide to move/cancel based on their behaviour up to that point?! You don't say you're not going to be around, you say that the party is not going ahead and you won't be letting anyone in!

as newlyweds I'm trying to respect his family even though it's clearly not being reciprocated.
why why why? Stop it. Stand up for yourself.

Hopefully there won't be a next time because my attitude will be complely different should such a request be mentioned. And hopefully me staying upstairs will be a clear enough message!
Of course there will be a next time, this time they've done it and got away with it, and the message is that you and DH allow it to happen and you stay out of their way, allowing them to take over your house.

So your also the breadwinner, I am at the very least glad to hear that!! However, the cash cow would stop if it were me until he can show you are a united unit.

You are absolutely fucked OP. how you deal with this now will dictate how they treat you going forward. And it is a very real possibility that baby will already be here by the time of the party.

I caution you to think very carefully before letting this go ahead. It will be a slippery slope. You HAVE to be the bigger problem for your husband then his parents or you will always lose.

I'm sorry to see the update.

Hiding in your room doesn't show your displeasure and make them embarrassed. It shows they can do what the fuck they want in your own home and relegate you to a bedroom.

They didn't want you at the party anyway so it's a win win. It's the house they want.

They've shown how far down your needs are on their priority list. The sad thing is so has your husband.

Things change quickly and irrevocably after having a child. I would set things in place for how you mean to go on.

So many threads on here about abusive in laws stepping it up when a kid comes into the picture. And then that child is subject to the abuse too. And if your husband doesn't have your back you're screwed.

Why aren't you more angry? Everyone is basically saying you don't count. Your needs don't matter. Your address has been given out to all and sundry.

It really is the thin end of the wedge.

My H is not on my side, his family lack common sense and do not care what I say. I'm very much alone like I'm the mad person in all of this for not wanting these people in my house

If that's the case you should leave him.

I would have gone ballistic long ago. I just don't know why you didn't kick off big style.
There's NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL those people would be having a party in my house. And if they went ahead and arranged it I'd get someone round to help me barricade the fucking doors.

And before any way says "no you wouldn't". My mother and I did something similar to this in an incident when I was a teenager - won't go into what happened. But we successfully and clearly got the fucking point across.

You sound like a great woman.

Stay strong.

Critical is that you indeed leave the house for several days.

The narrative being you were forced to leave your home for yours and the babys safety.

Start planning that exit plan, I have no doubt you are going to need it, but you will be fine.

Just because you have chosen poorly your life does not have to be defined by it.

Better you know now and deal with it early on than a decade in and worn down.

You don't need someone who is cavalier with your safety.

Better on your own than with someone who doesn't have your back.

Do not forget this.
Stay well.