I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

[BrinaEds]

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

Of course not! Ridiculous idea!

Absolutely not. What happens if you go into labour that day, would they expect your husband to stay and cater. In fact the stress of it would probably cause you to go into labour and then you have a newborn. NO NO NO NO. What a selfish friend for even asking!

I’d lock the doors the morning of the party and put up a big sign on the door saying ‘party cancelled’. It’s as much concern as anyone has shown you.

Or, send all involved including your H a message saying ‘I want you to cancel this party immediately. This is my house and I don’t want to hold a party for strangers when I’m 9 months pregnant. I am furious you’re treating me like this.’

I would lock all the rooms upstairs and book into a nice local hotel for a night or two. Have a swim or a massage order room service and relax. When you do get home refuse to do any cleaning or tidying from the party. Going forward your dh has shown that he is spineless and will take his family's side against you. I'd be making quiet plans to leave in the next few months especially when you are the breadwinner and financially independent

He knows I don't want this to happen, we've spoken about it almost everyday and his response is literally "then don't be around" I genuinely believe that he already said yes because coming to tell me about it thinking I would be ok with it so shouldn't be an issue.

My response to this would have been "Ok, I won't be. Neither will your child as I'm not going to be bringing a child into the world where one parent isn't even consulted on a decision like this so close to a due date and the other parent isn't supporting that parent. You can expect to hear from my solicitor if you keep going ahead with this plan to host a party in my home!" and then mean it!

It starts off with a party going ahead and your objections/feelings being discounted and ignored. Then it moves to childcare/schools/finances and the list goes on.

Your DH had an opportunity to do something and support his wife. He didn't. You should use this as a watershed moment and lay it out for your DH in such stark terms.

At the back/a bit hard of thinking - is that the best insult you could come up with - Must try harder @DameHelena

For what it's worth I still think you are being ridiculous - I can't believe you would bother the police with this kind of petty shit. Her DH can give his address to whoever he wants to.

I can't believe how much worse this has gotten.
Move out to a hotel for at least 3 days.

I suggest the OP calls the non-emergency police for advice on the legality of giving out her address without permission

the Land Registers are public. In Scotland, this dates back to the Registration Act of 1617. So that over 400 years of public information.

anyone can go on there and search for information regarding ownership of houses.

back in the day, the GPO phone book contained names and addresses

why do you think it might be illegal?
and why do you think the police would be in a position to give advice on this? They aren’t experts in every nuance of the law.

Imagine you go into labour the day before or on the day of the party, what happens then? My friend was in very early labour for 4 days before the hospital said she could go up. You don't go to hospital the second labour starts.

So very possible you will be labouring while your house is full of strangers? It really is not practical to be doing so, you won't feel free to be as you need to. Full of stress and tip toeing around your own home in the early stages of labour?

The party could directly impact your birth, there is a reason women in times past would retreat to a safe quiet space when labour begins, our primal brain needs to take the lead, you need to feel private and safe, it doesn't sound like you could feel like that with all these people around.

That is without the fact that regardless of your pregnancy they should not be calling all the shots in your home, its bloody respectful and would really make me see my husband in a different light.

Tell your husband to sort this situation now and stop being so selfish. Is it really more important not to upset his family over the health and wellbeing of his wife and baby?

They have ridden roughshod over you but I think you should have been firmer. When mil said had he mentioned it said yes and of course that’s ridiculous as though we’d be hosting a party and shut it off immediately.
I’d be very tempted to have contractions morning of party - they can cancel everything.

I am so angry for you OP.

I mean how fucking clueless are they?

Leave the house for a couple or several days. Make it clear to EVERYONE that you are leaving your home because of them.

What they are doing is entirely unreasonable and bonkers.

Even if this party does go ahead you need to make sure that they know you are livid and this CFery will not be tolerated.

I want to scream at them for you OP.

In your description of what's going to happen on the day of the party, you don't seem to have factored in that you might already be in labour, you might be at the hospital on the day of the party, YOU MIGHT HAVE JUST BROUGHT A NEWBORN BABY HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.

It seems like you've come to terms with the fact that if you're still pregnant then the party is just going to go ahead. OK. But this is what you need to say to your husband and text to your in-laws.

"This party was clearly organised without my knowledge, against my wishes, and with no consideration for my well-being or our baby's.

I will not be around on the day, and all preparation and ALL cleaning will be done by you [husband and in-laws].

If I am in early labour on the day of the party, the party does not go ahead.
If my labour starts during the party, all guests leave immediately, apart from the ILs, who will stay to clean up and then leave.
If we are in hospital on the day of the party, the party does not go ahead.
If the baby has arrived by the day of the party, the party does not go ahead."

Make sure your husband knows that failure to adhere to any of the above will be a divorceable offence and you are prepared to call the police on any gate crashers if necessary.

If you do need to go to hospital before the party, lock and bolt the door.

Do you know what, I'd even be tempted to fake some early labour pains the day before the party and call it off then lock the doors. No one - even your husband - need never even know they were fake. Some women are in early labour for days.

Do you have someone as a birth partner if DH can’t do it. I’m imagining sort of people to turn up like this won’t care if they are ill and so good chance DH might be covid+ or poorly and not able to be with you.
I’d also be petty and make sure all loo rolls, kitchen roll, cleaning stuff hidden out of way so they can’t use your stuff leaving you short with a new baby.

Good idea

YY to @SillySausage81

And use the bold in your communications with everyone concerned.

They still have enough time to resend the invites. If I were you I'd be getting back to the inlaws and telling them not suggesting that you've changed your mind. The party will have to be moved away from your home.
You don't need to give a reason, your due date is Reason enough.

@BrinaEds

you are worth so much more than this.

your DH has shown so much contempt for you and the baby and this whole event most likely won’t go as planned with you holed up in the room still pregnant. instead You could be very early postpartum with a newborn and this shite going on in your house.
you will be sore, emotional and hormonal and probably burst into tears in front of all these people with sore boobs hanging out….and if my DH dared to fill my house with strangers at that time I would be straight down for divorce papers. You will never get this precious time back and he is going to fill your home with strangers

NO NO NO way.
you need to consider moving in with your parents or sister for a month either side of the birth

and as for the ILs….

@BrinaEds have you asked your husband what the plan is if you go into labour before/during the party?

If you can't stand up to him and say no then I love the idea of having labour pains.

But I half suspect a man who's happy to pack off his nine months pregnant wife off out of the way to host a party would probably just shrug and leave you to it.

Honestly I don't know how you can ever see him in the same light again. I remember the anticipation for our first. My xdh had routes planned out, made sure I had five other peoples numbers at work in case I couldn't get hold of him, half a dozen taxi firms numbers etc etc.

Whereas your dh has basically told you to leave your own house so he can have a party.

Exactly @dontputitthere
my DH was raging when his family turned up to the hospital with our first and he didn’t like anyone coming to the house breathing germs over his baby.

this guy really really does not give a shit about how you are actually going to feel.

this is a sure sign of how he is going to be when times are tough with the baby… most likely run off crying to his mummy

I would be making it very clear to DH and iLs that you will be complaining to every guest that turns up to the door … repeatedly … about how you didn’t want the party here, how you are tired and sore , how nobody listened to you.

they can have the party doesn’t mean you have to make the guests feel welcome

Oh lordy!!!

A nice bit of levity in the thread, well done

OP, have you clearly told these people that this is NOT happening yet?

I guess from the husbands point of view he think it's ok because he's promised to do all the work, the OP didn't say NO and doesn't see why the OP will be inconvenienced. He must want to do it as a favour for his parents. I wonder if the parents have helped their son out over the years and he welcomes a chance to do something for them. I wonder if they helped buy the house or something. If he's told his parents it's ok then I don't think they did anything wrong in thinking I was OK.

Neither my parents or my husbands parents would think they needed to check arrangements with both of us. That would be weird.

Having said all that I agree that the husband should cancel the party.

Everything makes a little sense if you turn your head upside down and sideways a bit.

The omission from his reasoning that his wife will be nine months pregnant at the time of the party is huge.

I agree with this

I would say the party cant go ahead but OP hasnt actually said that and why would his parents think that they need to ok it with her, they've discussed it with their son and he thought it was ok and OP hasnt really said NO.