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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

593 replies

BrinaEds · 04/10/2022 13:20

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 06/10/2022 16:23

Like my lovely friends Dh. Her mother is and always was a nightmare. When my friend was she was pregnant and her mother was upsetting her my friends quiet normally chilled out Dh rang his MIL and told her to back off and if she continued upsetting his wife she would never see her grandchild when it was born. Not a peep since she’s been good as gold. Needed saying.

ddl1 · 06/10/2022 16:23

Say no; apart from all other considerations, what if you go into labour before or during the party?

bingbummy · 06/10/2022 16:35

My husband would be saying no for me in those circumstances. Are they your husband's friends?

thenovice · 06/10/2022 16:42

OriginalUsername2 · 04/10/2022 13:23

Of course not. Just say no, I’ll be 9 months pregnant. Job done.

This.
What if you go into labour in the house? You could be giving birth on the kitchen floor surrounded by their friends....

bellabasset · 06/10/2022 17:25

I can see why you need to stay in your home, hopefully you have an en suite so you don't need to be disturbed.

I expect you normally clear as you go, wipe down work surfaces etc, so as you're unable to do it you could tell dh to use a waiter or waitress to keep plates, cutlery, glasses washed, food waste, bottles etc cleared. And having a cleaner in post party as you're so close to the birth might be good. Idea.

Have you decided how long you'll be at home with the baby before you're having visitors?

beachcitygirl · 06/10/2022 17:36

Oh fgs @BrinaEds you need to grow a backbone, I'm
Sorry but your wishy washy people pleasing is gettting on my nerves now.
I'm sorry to say but you are in for a lifetime of this shit.
Unless you take a stance NOW.
Just say no. "Sorry DH & in laws " youll
Have to rearrange- it's NOT happening" full stop.

MeridianB · 06/10/2022 17:39

You'll need a plan if the baby arrives early - ask your DH what he thinks

I wouldn't ask your DH. He will almost certainly say it will be great as the 40 people who come to the party will have a chance to meet him or her, pass them round, kiss them etc etc. Sad

RampantIvy · 06/10/2022 17:50

Is this a cultural issue where the son has to jump to his mother's every command?

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/10/2022 17:50

The risk of infection comes via the DH, who will be mingling with these potential germy and selfish buggers for several hours.

The surfaces are the least of the OP's worries, frankly.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/10/2022 17:52

I'm sorry that you have discovered what a shower of complete and utter shites your DH and his family are.

Ask the inlaws or your DH for the guest list and their contact numbers and then I would send out a message, just the one mind you, but saying this:

Hi Everyone,
I'm not sure you're aware or if MiL mentioned in her invite that DH and I are expecting our first baby around the time that she has scheduled this party at our house. With that in mind, I hate being the bearer of bad news, but the party just will not be happening in our home. MiL will be back in touch with you shortly when she has arranged a different but equally suitable venue. Have a wonderful time at the party. All the best, BrinaEds

Put the onus back on MiL to sort out a different venue and to circulate new invites.

Under no circumstances are you the baddie here. Your Dh and his family are. This is terrible and you should not feel uncomfortable in your home or feel like you're being taken advantage of (both appear to be happening here).

Please please please please please put your foot down now to get this party relocated.

The only reason I can think of that they would want to be going ahead with a party in your house around that time is as a really really late baby shower and I'd even refuse at this point to go to one of them, if they were organising it.

CryCeratops · 06/10/2022 18:00

”And hopefully me staying upstairs will be a clear enough message!”

I very much doubt it.

They’ve sneaked around behind your back to have this party. The whole thing sounds manipulative, and like they don’t give a damn how you feel about it. They’ll probably merrily ignore your absence. And the worst of it is that your DH is going along with his parent’s wishes, rather than putting you and your needs first.

I think the only sort of message that’s going to be clear to your PILs would be you directly telling them that this is unacceptable behaviour.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 06/10/2022 18:07

DH seems shut off by the whole thing and doesn't seem to want to upset his family but clearly having me pissed off is ok

The problem here is you're not actually pissed off with him. You've done a bit of wishy washy martyr stuff but you have basically told him he can have the party, even though you are not comfortable with it.

You need to actually get pissed off with him and tell him that it is not happening and that if he goes ahead with it there will be repercussions. What those are is up to you but I would at the very least have nothing to do with his family again after that.

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 06/10/2022 18:21

This party doesn't sound like the kind of party that is suitable for home, unless your house really is huge. Especially when so pregnant.

I'd see if I could book them a village hall. Then just tell them that is where they are going. Then there is no argument that you've left them no alternative and it really is too late.

Job done!

RampantIvy · 06/10/2022 18:22

The problem here is you're not actually pissed off with him. You've done a bit of wishy washy martyr stuff but you have basically told him he can have the party, even though you are not comfortable with it.

You need to actually get pissed off with him and tell him that it is not happening and that if he goes ahead with it there will be repercussions.

I agree. None of " I don't think this is a good idea" malarky. It should be "No, this isn't going to happen. End of"

When you have children you will need to advocate for them. Now is a good time to try and find some assertiveness and stand up to your wishy washy "D"H and his selfish family.

bellac11 · 06/10/2022 18:33

Reading between the lines though I dont know if the OP doesnt want the party. I have a feeling she doesnt mind

They're clearly a big family and have big do's and all much in and help out and she's used to that or may even enjoy that (my worst nightmare) and so perhaps is wondering how she might manage the party rather than refuse to hold it

abyssofwoah · 06/10/2022 18:36

It’s a no and that’s the end of it. What kind of friend expects you to host a party for them in your own house? Then adding being 9 months pregnant on top of that it’s ridiculous. Don’t even entertain this as a possibility and question your friendship while you’re at it.

pinkyredrose · 06/10/2022 18:41

Why haven't you put your foot down? It is your house you know not your In Laws.

StopStartStop · 06/10/2022 18:43

Say no.

Brigante9 · 06/10/2022 18:50

Why have yo7 not said no? I don’t understand. You are setting the precedent for this being your future.

QuitWhileAhead · 06/10/2022 18:55

I think you've handled this really badly. You've been to vague and wishy washy. I think staying in your room would be an odd and an unpleasant thing to do. It will come across as though you are trying to punish everyone. You would be better going out and staying with friends.

QuitWhileAhead · 06/10/2022 18:55

Too*

CapMarvel · 06/10/2022 19:03

Why are you standing for this?

Just tell your arsehole of a husband that it is not happening.

redbigbananafeet · 06/10/2022 19:05

BrinaEds · 06/10/2022 14:16

Hi Everyone,

Quick update, so I'll clear up a few things I got the message about hosting through DH and at the time it was mentioned I said do you realise I'll be 9months, we've just got over a cold and I don't want to get sick again especially not with covid season on the rise, and the baby could come at anytime plus we've started to get the house ready. I added that I don't have the energy to entertain/host do any major cleaning. That's when he said he would do all of that - bear in mind after any event we've had it literally take 4-6hrs to get the house back to were it should be. So anyway my IL finally messaged me directly and asked if I was aware of the plans, I said it was mentioned.

There is so much about the party that was unknown like time start and finish times, exactly how many people are expected. I asked about all of that and if invites had been sent out - the answer I got was basically yes invites were out (I am yet to see it) and that final numbers would be confirmed next week but it's now looking like it could be 30 adults and 10 children. I said I'm not going to be around for it because I'm not comfortable with it, I said I had no plans to entertain after DH birthday as that was taxing enough and I'm just too tired at this stage of the pregnancy to host people and the risk of catching something is high as my immune system is already low. The response was "ok in understand". Not ok we'll move it or cancel. At this point, this thing is going ahead regardless, I'm not going to do a damn thing, no pre or post cleaning nothing. Clearly no consideration at all has been given by anyone. DH seems shut off by the whole thing and doesn't seem to want to upset his family but clearly having me pissed off is ok kmt.

I'm usually a very accommodating and helpful person and if I can do something I will always do for people but if I can't , I just cannot. It's clear this thing was preplanned and orchestrated in a way to avoid me blocking it. My IL usually has no problem contacting me directly for things so this has really pissed me off. H doesn't have my back on this so I'm just going to look out for myself and my baby. My family don't operate on a favour for favour thing so when I mentioned the situation to my sister she was shocked that it's even happening and she's disappointed that no one seems to have sense enough to stop this from happening or no one is better advising IL and added that it shouldn't be me to have to say anything DH should have shut it down and I would never have needed to even know there was a request but here we are. She added that now I know what their game is and the thinking that it's theirs sons/brothers house so they have free reign I need to manage the relationship a little differently going forward.

Anyway it looks like the day is going to happen regardless and I'll be in my room for the day. My family live quite far and I don't want to be too far away from the hospital should anything happen so I'll be binge watching something on TV and I'll pop down to collect some food or order in. Gosh I feel so sorry for myself and highly annoyed. I can get very disrespectful if needed but I really don't want to go down that road and as newlyweds I'm trying to respect his family even though it's clearly not being reciprocated. Hopefully there won't be a next time because my attitude will be complely different should such a request be mentioned. And hopefully me staying upstairs will be a clear enough message!

If you can afford it please think about checking into a cheap travel lodge or premier in nearby and close to the hospital. Then you won't have to sneak around getting food or overhear the party or have visitors 'pop in to check in you' x

dailyfup · 06/10/2022 19:19

This is all very frustrating. You had plenty of opportunities to firmly and clearly state, "No, this is not happening."

I got the message about hosting through DH and at the time it was mentioned I said do you realise I'll be 9months, we've just got over a cold and I don't want to get sick again especially not with covid season on the rise, and the baby could come at anytime plus ....... etc.

No, DH, we will not be a hosting a party in our house when I am 9 months pregnant. It's not appropriate. (Not all this long winded wishy washy explanation. A simple NO. It's not happening. End of)

So anyway my IL finally messaged me directly and asked if I was aware of the plans, I said it was mentioned

At which point you should have told IL "No, this will not be happening because I will be 9 months pregnant at the time. It's not possible"

There is so much about the party that was unknown like time start and finish times, exactly how many people are expected. I asked about all of that and if invites had been sent out - the answer I got was basically yes invites were out (I am yet to see it) and that final numbers would be confirmed next week but it's now looking like it could be 30 adults and 10 children. I said I'm not going to be around for it because I'm not comfortable with it, I said I had no plans to entertain after DH birthday as that was taxing enough and I'm just too tired at this stage of the pregnancy to host people and the risk of catching something is high as my immune system is already low. The response was "ok in understand". Not ok we'll move it or cancel

At which point, if this had still happened after the early 2 firm "No"s.
"You must have misunderstand. The party cannot take place at our home. I already made that very clear. You will need to find another venue"

she's disappointed that no one seems to have sense enough to stop this from happening or no one is better advising IL

I'm sorry OP. But it was up to you to stop it. Not a random "somebody else should stop it"

Gosh I feel so sorry for myself and highly annoyed. I can get very disrespectful if needed but I really don't want to go down that road and as newlyweds I'm trying to respect his family even though it's clearly not being reciprocated. Hopefully there won't be a next time because my attitude will be complely different should such a request be mentioned. And hopefully me staying upstairs will be a clear enough message!

There will be a next time OP - because you have shown them that you will allow your wants and needs to be steam-rollered over. You need to learn to say NO, loudly and clearly and straightaway, nipping any nonsense in the bud.

And I'd be having words with DH too because he needs to learn to stand up to his family too.

Doowop1919 · 06/10/2022 19:24

I'm sorry to read your update, op but I agree with the general consensus. Staying in your room will achieve nothing - the party will go ahead and theyll think they can do that in future. Also, your H could catch something off of the 40 people coming and pass it on anyway. (My husband is working from home after christmas until our baby comes to avoid catching anything as best he can - I'm due early February).

I understand it's stressful for you but I'm honestly shocked your in-laws and husband have such little consideration for you and that really needed to be nipped in the bud.