Page 12 | I have been asked to host a party for a friend in my house while 9 months pregnant

BrinaEds · 2022-10-04T12:20:52+00:00

AIBU, I have been asked by a close friend to host a party in my house for them. I'll be 9 months pregnant by the day of the party and I'm already tired all the time but I don't feel like I can say no. I would have thought that some consideration would have been given to the fact I'm pregnant before they even asked but they recently did helped me out with something which they pushed to do but was helpful (nothing on this scale) so now I feel obliged. My main concern about the whole thing is having a bunch of strangers in my house (20-30 people), the possibility of picking up a cold/flu and the deep clean that will have to happen after the event because tidying is not the same as cleaning. DH says he will manage the day and sort out all the cleaning after but I just don't feel comfortable with the whole thing. AIBU?

MsTSwift · 04/10/2022 20:48

Send / say what Bobbear said. Is there something wrong with the 3 of them? That’s the only explanation I can think of for adults thinking this is a fine plan.

Sceptre86 · 04/10/2022 20:55

What's the situation with covid and giving birth? Do you need to test when you arrive at hospital? Is there any restrictions with regard to this? If there is you've got the perfect excuse of needing to stay away from large groups of people.

I wouldn't want to vacate my home so they could have the party there or host it tbh. People forget they it's not just cooking that needs done but cleaning beforehand and after and a quick run the hoover around doesn't really cut it. Plus what if you have the baby early? I'd say no.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/10/2022 21:00

ClownSchool · 04/10/2022 20:36

Perhaps it would help to focus your husband’s mind if you were to start experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions in the very near future. 😶

I was going to suggest something similar . . .

Pipsquiggle · 04/10/2022 21:11

I often wonder in these scenarios......

Who the fuck are the 4% who thinks OP is BU?

MeridianB · 04/10/2022 21:12

MsTSwift · 04/10/2022 20:48

Send / say what Bobbear said. Is there something wrong with the 3 of them? That’s the only explanation I can think of for adults thinking this is a fine plan.

This. It’s so far from rational thinking. And @BobDear’s post is ace. Can your parents not step in?

Ask your midwife for support, too. You shouldn’t have to be she might be able to talk some sense into your DH.

MeridianB · 04/10/2022 21:12

Pipsquiggle · 04/10/2022 21:11

I often wonder in these scenarios......

Who the fuck are the 4% who thinks OP is BU?

The PILs and DH account for three 😁

HannaHanna · 04/10/2022 21:26

I would just tell him No. Period.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 04/10/2022 22:14

Pipsquiggle · 04/10/2022 21:11

I often wonder in these scenarios......

Who the fuck are the 4% who thinks OP is BU?

Presumably people who think op is unreasonable for not just saying "no way" very definitely and firmly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2022 01:32

'sorry for even thinking it was a good idea. I must have lost my mind'

That is the only response I'd accept.

I'm so glad I got rid of exDH and his bonkers, enmeshed family. They would have pulled this kind of shit too.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2022 04:37

@BrinaEds

It's in three weeks - yes, this has been planned for a while.

I suspect your H has known about it longer than you.

Wash your hands of this if he won't listen to reason. Make other plans for the day. Refuse point blank to give your H any help in organising, planning, cleaning, tidying, cooking, dealing with MIL. Do not pick up extra supplies of loo roll or napkins or kitchen roll. Do no clean up afterwards.

Provide no support to H whatsoever.

If he complains, remind him that you have told him you do not want this party held in your home and that you have told him why in very plain English. Remind him that you do not owe his mother the privilege of your company.

Tell him that when the party is over and he has completed all the cleaning up, you and he will be sitting down to have a long conversation centering on questions about your relationship that have arisen in the past little while.

Book yourself into some local Premier Inn for three days around the party. One day before and one day after.

MrsDrDear · 05/10/2022 05:51

You married into a right selfish family.

Either that or they are all thick as fuck.

ZombieMumEB · 05/10/2022 06:47

A few days after you send your DH that message, tell him the doctor is concerned about your blood pressure - you need to rest and you think the stress of the party has contributed to your blood pressure issues.

RampantIvy · 05/10/2022 07:32

OchonAgusOchonOh · 04/10/2022 22:14

Presumably people who think op is unreasonable for not just saying "no way" very definitely and firmly.

Show quote history

I first pressed YABU for this reason, then changed my mind.

The OP doesn't seem to want to come back to this thread.

billy1966 · 05/10/2022 08:10

Again read @mathanxiety post OP.

If you allow this go ahead, I predict your relationship is on the road out.

Your husband has clearly been in cahoots with his family to pull a fast one on you.

Good men don't do this.

Arseholes do.

That's what you have landed yourself with.

SillySausage81 · 05/10/2022 09:15

. I just don't understand why he doesn't see it as an issue. And yes it's our first child together.

Because he's not the one who's pregnant, he's not the one who will be exhausted, he's not the one who's looking at potentially going into labour with a bunch of strangers in his house, he's not the one who's facing recovering from labour with a house full of strangers. He's also probably not the one who will be expected to do the lion's share of the cleaning, preparations, organisation and socialising, and he's not the one who will be criticised if that work doesn't get done.

Another thing is, I didn't realise until I was about 3 days past my due date with my first, but apparently my husband genuinely expected the baby to arrive on the due date itself, so maybe there is a touch of naivety here from your husband too. Tell him only 4% of babies arrive on their due date.

5foot5 · 05/10/2022 10:44

To add to the excellent list from SillySausage81 above, he is not the one who will be affected by a nesting instinct which will mean you just want to spend time quiet and comfortable and alone with your baby.

5foot5 · 05/10/2022 10:50

bellac11 · 04/10/2022 19:19

Is there something else going on with the in laws, did they contribute massively to the house or something which they think gives them the right to boss their son (and therefore you) around?

Its not even up for discussion really, its just no!

I was wondering if it was something along these lines.

Presumably they live fairly locally if they want the party at your house. Did they move in to the small flat to be near you? I would worry very much that they are viewing your house as some extension of their family space that they can call upon whenever it suits them and your DH will just go along with this.

If so then this outrageous party idea could be only the tip of the iceberg. Would they expect to be in and out all the time after the baby is born? Inviting their friends over to your house to see the baby?

You need to have a serious conversation about boundaries wit your DH and have it soon.

Frankly, even if you were not about to give birth I would deeply resent someone assuming they could throw their party in my house.

5zeds · 05/10/2022 10:51

The difference between going into Labour rested and cosseted and going in stressed and exhausted are far bigger than an athlete before a big competition or game or a child before a big exam, after all it’s his wife’s fanny and his child’s safety on the line. If I was him I’d prioritise both and let his parents find another venue.

Emotionalsupportviper · 05/10/2022 10:55

mathanxiety · 05/10/2022 04:37

@BrinaEds

It's in three weeks - yes, this has been planned for a while.

I suspect your H has known about it longer than you.

Wash your hands of this if he won't listen to reason. Make other plans for the day. Refuse point blank to give your H any help in organising, planning, cleaning, tidying, cooking, dealing with MIL. Do not pick up extra supplies of loo roll or napkins or kitchen roll. Do no clean up afterwards.

Provide no support to H whatsoever.

If he complains, remind him that you have told him you do not want this party held in your home and that you have told him why in very plain English. Remind him that you do not owe his mother the privilege of your company.

Tell him that when the party is over and he has completed all the cleaning up, you and he will be sitting down to have a long conversation centering on questions about your relationship that have arisen in the past little while.

Book yourself into some local Premier Inn for three days around the party. One day before and one day after.

This is excellent advice.

You married into a right selfish family.

Either that or they are all thick as fuck.

And that is a very perceptive comment from @MrsDrDear

Original poster

BrinaEds · 05/10/2022 13:42

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2022 19:24

You say you will be 9 months by then. Are you now 37 weeks op? 37 weeks is considered full term. People are right. Your midwife would be outraged. You should be nesting right now not preparing to have a large group of strangers in your home. I think you need to have a Frank conversation with your dh that his loyalties now lie with his wife and child.

Tbh if he allows this to go ahead, this is something you may struggle to forgive him for as it could easily shatter your peace or make you or the baby ill. Not getting support from a partner increases the risk of postnatal depression. His mother is especially a CF as she must remember how uncomfortable and tiring it is to be full term and your dh needs to get his head out of the sand.

I'm currently 34 weeks, I have a midwife appointment coming up next week so will definitely mention it then as he usually attends with me

OP posts:

Original poster

BrinaEds · 05/10/2022 13:48

mathanxiety · 05/10/2022 04:37

@BrinaEds

It's in three weeks - yes, this has been planned for a while.

I suspect your H has known about it longer than you.

Wash your hands of this if he won't listen to reason. Make other plans for the day. Refuse point blank to give your H any help in organising, planning, cleaning, tidying, cooking, dealing with MIL. Do not pick up extra supplies of loo roll or napkins or kitchen roll. Do no clean up afterwards.

Provide no support to H whatsoever.

If he complains, remind him that you have told him you do not want this party held in your home and that you have told him why in very plain English. Remind him that you do not owe his mother the privilege of your company.

Tell him that when the party is over and he has completed all the cleaning up, you and he will be sitting down to have a long conversation centering on questions about your relationship that have arisen in the past little while.

Book yourself into some local Premier Inn for three days around the party. One day before and one day after.

Unfortunately for me I'm super organised and started the nesting process. I've bought extra loo roll, kitchen roll and other non perishables just in case baby comes early, I've started to set up the baby station, hospital bag is packed so I am mentally just resting and my body is just soo tired as it is, I'm literally sleeping all the time and in between work meetings when I can get away with it.

OP posts:

Pineappleflowers · 05/10/2022 13:51

Its not too late to cancel.

Just say no! Why can’t they go to a pub?! Or hire a hall?

What if you go into labour and need to labour at home for hours?

Original poster

BrinaEds · 05/10/2022 13:53

5foot5 · 05/10/2022 10:50

I was wondering if it was something along these lines.

Presumably they live fairly locally if they want the party at your house. Did they move in to the small flat to be near you? I would worry very much that they are viewing your house as some extension of their family space that they can call upon whenever it suits them and your DH will just go along with this.

If so then this outrageous party idea could be only the tip of the iceberg. Would they expect to be in and out all the time after the baby is born? Inviting their friends over to your house to see the baby?

You need to have a serious conversation about boundaries wit your DH and have it soon.

Frankly, even if you were not about to give birth I would deeply resent someone assuming they could throw their party in my house.

Show quote history

The family all live in the area and we bought here because of his work as I work remotely so the need to be in a particular area was not an issue for me. They helped out with some renovation but it's what I expect family to do for one another instead of using as some kind of bargaining chip.

Also I think because the space is much bigger than PIL and S/BIL place I think in their minds they can use this place like a function hall. I've said to DH that this is our home not a venue for the the families use.

OP posts:

aliceinshackles · 05/10/2022 13:53

Big no from me
Can you go to your parents and leave husband to sort his parents party?
It would be a shame to go into labour on the day of the party.
But then again they sound like the people who would say "just leave the house keys and we will sort."
I would also send a bill for cooking, cleaning and invoice for the 20-30 people, say £40 per head

Original poster

BrinaEds · 05/10/2022 13:56

SillySausage81 · 05/10/2022 09:15

. I just don't understand why he doesn't see it as an issue. And yes it's our first child together.

Because he's not the one who's pregnant, he's not the one who will be exhausted, he's not the one who's looking at potentially going into labour with a bunch of strangers in his house, he's not the one who's facing recovering from labour with a house full of strangers. He's also probably not the one who will be expected to do the lion's share of the cleaning, preparations, organisation and socialising, and he's not the one who will be criticised if that work doesn't get done.

Another thing is, I didn't realise until I was about 3 days past my due date with my first, but apparently my husband genuinely expected the baby to arrive on the due date itself, so maybe there is a touch of naivety here from your husband too. Tell him only 4% of babies arrive on their due date.

Yes I think that this is his thinking but common sense still seems a miss. This is my first child and based on how I'm feeling alone and having expressed that and the fact he seems he sleeping all the time, with barely energy to cook most evenings doesn't seem to register. I've have friends give birth 6 weeks early which is where I am now but still he doesn't get it.

OP posts: