To ask what is the biggest mistake you've made in your life

[Smileeriley]

Mine is a double whammy, getting married and buying my current house.

The house in particular is a noose around my neck. I'm basically renting it from my mortgage company and it will never be mine.

Worst thing I ever did was but this house with my ex husband. He's a whole other thread.

I regret wasting so much time and money on IVF. Wish we’d not bothered with it and just cracked on with life.

Not to have a long professional career in one industry

The biggest mistake I ever made was not reporting being raped in the mid 90s. The man who did it went on to do the same to other women - he was very well known and women (including me) were (stupidly, I know) flattered by his attention. In the last few years I've chatted to other women on social media who were on the same scene, and he did exactly the same to them, too. He told me nobody would ever believe me and he would say the bruises and bites all over me were just from rough sex if I said anything. Other women I've spoken to have said he did the same with them. He also bragged about what he did and embellished his attacks to his friends and in interviews but he framed it as consensual. I genuinely thought I wouldn't be believed if I reported it. But if I had other women might not have been raped by him, too.

When I see his name now, almost 30 years on, I still feel sick to my stomach.

Turned down three weeks of work experience at Vogue magazine because I was too scared to ask my boss for the time off work.

Not having better boundaries.

As a result, I have made poor choices with men.

The first, I was only 18 & got married young, divorced by 30.

Didn't recognise the narcissistic traits in the next one, ended up moving away from my friends and family to be with him - only for the mask to start slipping once I moved in.

Had 2 children with him, he cheated, lied & manipulated, wouldn't allow me up move back to my support network after we separated- he was an absolute cunt.

💐

Please get in touch with Women's Aid. They will support you every step of the way if you're ready to leave. Good luck x

Let myself become overweight & it's so hard to shift

Everything else in my life has not been a mistake as it's brought me to the happy place i'm in today

Please let this go and be kind to yourself. I know it seems huge - but speak to someone and help yourself get perspective on this.

not investing in the STOCK market earlier!

My own regret is my marriage, and for staying in it. He’s a nice man, pulls his weight (although not as much as he, and everyone else, thinks he does), good father. I don’t think I’ve ever loved him though. My first thought when my mum died was “I can get a divorce now!” That was ten years ago and I’m still here. Now my daughter has mental health problems and it would break her if we were to split up now. Neither of us are happy but I can’t see either of us ever taking the leap

sounds standard to be honest but be glad of what you have there, can be so much worse. I do believe love in marriages is much more elusive than we think especially with time and life which gradually erodes it. That is if there ever was love in the 1st place.

Refusing to accept I was gay, I knew deep down since I was a child, but went massively into denial and convinced myself I was straight, which led to me pressuring and forcing myself into sexual situations with men that I hugely regret. I think I would have been much much happier as a teenager and young adult if I would have just embraced and accepted who I was, but I grew up in 90s so it was much harder to be out back then than it is now.

Another one is starting smoking, an ex and friend got me into it when my mental health was bad (due to years of being in the closet), but now ten years later I’m addicted to vaping and I’m finding it very hard to stop.

Agreeing with my husband we’d have only one child.

I was desperate to be a mum and agreed that we’d be one and done.

He’s the best dad but absolutely does not want more and will not change his mind, whereas I yearn for more.

I regret wasting so much time and money on IVF. Wish we’d not bothered with it and just cracked on with life

I think this is 1 regret though that you'd regret more if you'd never tried it. At least you'll know you tried. I know people who regret it more that they never tried it.

@Topee just to echo what other people have said. There is help available and there are ways to get it under control. As soon as you've got a plan and a light at the end of the tunnel, you will feel better about it.

I wish I'd changed my name when I went to uni. I've always hated my name with a passion and moving away to uni was the perfect time to start using another one. I seriously considered it but didn't because I didn't want to upset my parents (sigh) and now it's too late.

@Topee I’m so sorry - this happened to my friend. We all thought she was loaded, turns out it was all credit cards. Her husband eventually found out, he was furious but didn’t leave. They paid it all off. However I’m pretty sure you can write a large part off or just pay what you can afford. Call a debt helpline, get a plan together and take can control, you can do this. Then talk to your husband.

Marrying first H and suffering years of abuse. So many red flags ignored

Putting work before family. My children are now adults and I can never have that time with them back.

I toed the party line. Always. Every stupid new initative that came in, even though I knew they were utterly pointless - I implimented every one of them. Countless hours wasted whilst other people sat and nodded, but did none of it, but used that time to flatter the management. I had to leave the job in the end as the impact on my mental health was so bad. The lazy nodders are still there - happy with the promotions created when I left.

My regret is that I didn't do the minimum. All the time I could have had with my family. I am doing my best to make up for it now, but I can never do all the things I missed.

A child is never answerable for her parents' actions. It was not your fault. Your life is valuable in its own right: it was society and family who failed you, not the other way round.

You are worthy twenty of your unloving mother. I'm sorry you had this appalling start in life and wish you all the peace and happiness you deserve.

I agree.

I think if you have ended up with a thoroughly decent companion you're doing alright and that is much, much better than a lot of people have.

A lot can be said for a man who respects and cares for you.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth @LuciaPopp @WendyWagon

Thank you all for your kind words. I’m going to contact my creditors directly. If they would reduce interest charges I’m probably in a position where I could meet the repayments.

I’ve buried my head in the sand through fear. I know my marriage will end though, I’ve lied (and continue to do so) and I wouldn’t expect my husband to forgive me, I know he won’t. I’ve been so stupid.

Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

I suppose so, but we had a shit time with IVF, everything that could go wrong did and with hindsight there was never much chance of it working, so I suppose that influences my feelings.

Being a bit of a slag when I was younger due to poor boundaries and self esteem.

Not reporting rape as I thought I deserved it.

Marrying young to someone I didn't love who had no hopes and ambitions. I took on his own anxiety and just plodded along for years. I cheated on him so he would end it.

Getting in loads of debt from taking drugs and trying to buy happiness with stuff. Still paying it off 10 years later with no hope of owning a house anytime soon.

Terminating my baby at 10 weeks with my partner as I was terrified I wouldn't cope with a baby. I never told him.

Sleeping with my partners brother when we broke up to get even at him.

Best thing I did was find counselling....

Thank you to @Squirrelsquirrel and @Bangolads too. You’ve all made me cry with your kindness.

Oh, my love. You are NOT responsible for their actions and behaviours. You have done nothing wrong. Please speak to someone to help you see this and find peace. You deserve happiness.