Page 5 | Step parent adoption

Usernameinvalid16 · 2022-10-03T20:51:52+00:00

I posted this on the adoption thread but there was no replies. I was looking for some advice with a step parent adoption. We are in Scotland. My partner wishes to adopt my DD8. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate and has had no contact with her since she was 2. However, he recently got into contact through a lawyer and wishes to have contact again and is taking the matter to court. Would this impact the adoption procedures when we start them? I know we have to continue the court case legally until we have officially started our adoption procedure. If anyone could help us out with the length of time the adoption could take and what steps we need to take that would be greatly appreciated.

feellikeanalien · 04/10/2022 21:25

If this is real please don't do this OP. I can guarantee you and your DD will regret it.

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 21:34

I will take all of these replies into consideration. It has got me thinking there is an element of control on his part. He may feel threatened by her bio dad coming back into the scene and doesn’t want that to taint the good relationship they have.

I’m not sure what has been said when I’m not here. Or if DD saying she wants to make him her dad has triggered something for him. It’s something we need to discuss

OP posts:

rageapplied · 04/10/2022 21:37

You shouldn't be discussing anything with him. It's worrying you can't see this.

Testina · 04/10/2022 21:37

“I never said I wouldn’t marry him. This is something I want to happen soon or when it feels right for the both of us.”

For fucks sake.
I feel properly angry with you reading that. So it doesn’t feel right for both of you to marry, yet you’re talking about a man you’ve known for a short while adopting her.

As I already posted - you’re prepared for him to have a legal relationship with her, when you don’t even have one with him yourself.

You really need to be a better mother.

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 21:43

I really hope any judge would see this is ridiculous and not allow an adoption in this situation.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/10/2022 21:48

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:35

No he hasn’t started pushing for it since her bio dad has reappeared. He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me. He doesn’t like the thought of her being in 2 different homes especially when we go on to have our own DC.

That should be the point where you shut him down. She will have two homes as she has two families. Her bio dad wants to see her. It's not for you or you boyfriend to stop that because he doesn't like her having two homes. He's not her biological father and you've known him only 2 years, it is not long enough for him to be adopting her.

kierenthecommunity · 04/10/2022 22:43

I think you need to look at these two things one at a time. Sort out the bio dad stuff - see if he steps up and can have a relationship with DD first. Put adoption on the back burner for now.

It may be that bio dad is an utter flake and a waste of space as a dad, in which case adoption discussion may be appropriate. But bio dad needs at least a chance to prove himself and DD has a right to a relationship with him if he does.

Aprilx · 05/10/2022 05:50

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 20:55

Of course I am worried. I want her to have a stable life and home. I worry about the impact that meeting her bio dad again will have on her. This will be our 2nd time going through legal procedures although she was very young the first time so never asked questions or understood what was going on.

I never said I wouldn’t marry him. This is something I want to happen soon or when it feels right for the both of us.

Nobody was thinking you had said you wouldn’t marry him. The point rather seemed to be that he has shown a lot less interest in marrying you than he has adopting your daughter.

Sux2buthen · 05/10/2022 06:04

kierenthecommunity · 04/10/2022 22:43

I think you need to look at these two things one at a time. Sort out the bio dad stuff - see if he steps up and can have a relationship with DD first. Put adoption on the back burner for now.

It may be that bio dad is an utter flake and a waste of space as a dad, in which case adoption discussion may be appropriate. But bio dad needs at least a chance to prove himself and DD has a right to a relationship with him if he does.

Hasn't he had eight years to prove himself?

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 06:35

Yes her bio dad has had 8 years to prove himself. I’m willing to give it a chance but I’m wary and concerned that he is a flake and leaves her again and it’s me that has to pick up the pieces.

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ploed · 05/10/2022 07:03

@Adelyra

Absolutely agree. There is no way in this planet I would supporting this, especially if driven by him.

In my wider family a step father was absolutely devoted to my relative's kids... made out he was so much better than their largely absent father... and ultimately served prison time for abusing them.

It is not scaremongering to be wary of why he wants responsibility for the children.

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/10/2022 07:04

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 06:35

Yes her bio dad has had 8 years to prove himself. I’m willing to give it a chance but I’m wary and concerned that he is a flake and leaves her again and it’s me that has to pick up the pieces.

That's fair enough. Her relationship with her bio dad needs to develop slowly.

But that is completely separate to the adoption proposals by your partner. Again, why do you think this is a good idea?

Aprilx · 05/10/2022 07:15

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 06:35

Yes her bio dad has had 8 years to prove himself. I’m willing to give it a chance but I’m wary and concerned that he is a flake and leaves her again and it’s me that has to pick up the pieces.

Maybe he will start to be a father to her or maybe he won’t. That has nothing to do with this adoption by the man you have known five minutes. Five pages in now and you still don’t seem to have even acknowledged what a terrible idea it is to sign your child over to somebody who by all accounts doesn’t feel that committed to you just yet (marriage not on the cards).

ThinkingForEveryone · 05/10/2022 07:25

Sorry OP this is creepy. Most men don't go around adopting 8 year old girls that they have only known a couple of years....what's in it for him? You need to find out!
I am very concerned that you seem to think this is logical in any way, no man would be legally adopting any of my children, whether we had been together 2 years or 10 years. Absolutely no need.

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 08:26

Thanks everyone. I will definitely take all of this into consideration. I will see how the current court case pans out if her bio dad turns out to be an amazing father to DD then that is great. I would be very happy for DD I think she wants someone to be her dad so I will give her bio dad a proper chance before I write him off. If it turns out that loses interest then I will support her in the best way I can.

OP posts:

Testina · 05/10/2022 08:31

@Usernameinvalid16 you’re not going to answer my questions, are you?

You have no plans to marry your boyfriend.
Why would you give your daughter a stronger legal relationship with this man than you have yourself?

Testina · 05/10/2022 08:36

And newsflash: her biological father is never going be “an amazing dad”. He might achieve “good enough” I suppose.

I would put actual money down that his renewed interest is being driven by a girlfriend. He’ll have come up with an excuse not to have seemed an arsehole deadbeat to her, and now she’ll be in the background encouraging the new contact.

But - all that is totally irrelevant to this adoption nonsense.

Imagine your daughter, meeting the registrar prior to her wedding, with her birth certificate and saying, “father? Ummm… mum had her boyfriend adopt me in 2022, think they split in 2024, not sure really - it’s 20 years ago! I think I was about 10.”

TootsAtOwls · 05/10/2022 08:58

This is bonkers and you're not responding to the very pertinent questions. Why on Earth would you tie your daughter to this man legally when you're not married? As he doesn't work, what's to stop him splitting from you then applying for full custody, and as he'd be listed as the primary caregiver, probably getting it?

Tomorrowisalatterday · 05/10/2022 08:59

I agree that you should be wary of abuse - it seems quite worrying to me that he is so keen to have legal control over her.

I think the least sinister interpretation is that he wants to airbrush out your daughter's biological father which is understandable in some ways, life would be nearer and easier, but also not possible. Even if he does adopt her eventually, she still won't be biologically his and she will still have feelings about her biological father and his family.

Hearthnhome · 05/10/2022 10:03

TootsAtOwls · 05/10/2022 08:58

This is bonkers and you're not responding to the very pertinent questions. Why on Earth would you tie your daughter to this man legally when you're not married? As he doesn't work, what's to stop him splitting from you then applying for full custody, and as he'd be listed as the primary caregiver, probably getting it?

He doesn’t work?

Op is he independently wealthy?

AccountDeactivated · 05/10/2022 10:20

Fucking yikes.
Safeguard your daughter. Do not allow your new boyfriend to drive 'owning' your daughter. This is obvious and basic. It's chilling you have been incapable of figuring this out yourself. Assess all areas of how on earth it benefits your kid to be brought in to your dating life.

toomuchlaundry · 05/10/2022 10:23

How long have you lived together?

TooHotToTangoToo · 05/10/2022 12:57

if her bio dad turns out to be an amazing father to DD then that is great. I would be very happy for DD I think she wants someone to be her dad so I will give her bio dad a proper chance before I write him off

I'm sorry op, but you can't just write him off and then he's not 'her dad' any longer. He will always be her dad, the only one she's got. She may have other male role models, but like it or not he's always going to be her dad.

Just because he's shit, you can't just 'exchange him' (as much as some of us would like this option). You need to help your dd accept that this person is her father, and deal with the consequences of his actions and help her accept him for who he is.

I adopted a child, she was 20 months old at the time, but she still talks about her biological parents, as this is part of her life and always will be, even though she can't remember them. We've spent a long time working with her to accept why she was adopted and what it means to her. Trust me when I say it's likely they were a lot shitter than your ex, but you can't just replace parents with another person because this one hasn't stepped up to the plate. He's a part of her life and will ALWAYS be, even if he doesn't see her.

It seems you've got a romantic version in your head whereby you me dp is a father and you all walk into the sunset, it won't work like that, your dd will still want to know who her father is, and may even want to meet him again one day.

JustLyra · 05/10/2022 13:01

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 08:26

Thanks everyone. I will definitely take all of this into consideration. I will see how the current court case pans out if her bio dad turns out to be an amazing father to DD then that is great. I would be very happy for DD I think she wants someone to be her dad so I will give her bio dad a proper chance before I write him off. If it turns out that loses interest then I will support her in the best way I can.

If he turns out to be flaky it would be a much healthier lesson for your DD if you teach her that she doesn’t need a man to have a defined legal role in her life.

That the people around her are good to have, but actually all she needs is you and her. And that with others building thr relationships with them is the important bit, but that there is no need to have a man taking a specific legal role in her life.

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 05/10/2022 13:29

Yes I know he will always be DDs dad. But so far he’s not done that. I’m willing to answer any questions she may have now or in the future. She’s always had me, and always will.

I haven’t answered anyones questions because I’m at work but once I’m home tonight I will work through the posts and answer individual questions.

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