Page 4 | Step parent adoption

Usernameinvalid16 · 2022-10-03T20:51:52+00:00

I posted this on the adoption thread but there was no replies. I was looking for some advice with a step parent adoption. We are in Scotland. My partner wishes to adopt my DD8. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate and has had no contact with her since she was 2. However, he recently got into contact through a lawyer and wishes to have contact again and is taking the matter to court. Would this impact the adoption procedures when we start them? I know we have to continue the court case legally until we have officially started our adoption procedure. If anyone could help us out with the length of time the adoption could take and what steps we need to take that would be greatly appreciated.

TheGoodFighter · 04/10/2022 19:52

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:35

No he hasn’t started pushing for it since her bio dad has reappeared. He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me. He doesn’t like the thought of her being in 2 different homes especially when we go on to have our own DC.

It's nothing to do with him what your dds dad will do,and its nothing to do with him where she lives.
He would like to adopt he but he won'y marry you?

WTF are you even doing? There's more red flags here than a communist circus.

JustLyra · 04/10/2022 19:55

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:35

No he hasn’t started pushing for it since her bio dad has reappeared. He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me. He doesn’t like the thought of her being in 2 different homes especially when we go on to have our own DC.

So he doesn’t want her to have two homes. Therefore he thinks it’s better for her to have no chance of a relationship with her biological father.

What about what’s best for her?

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 19:56

He is really overstepping here. YOU are her parent and should be making the decisions here not him. The power you are letting him have over your child is scary.

I say this as someone who has had their stepdad in their life from aged 4. He is a lovely man, we have a great relationship, my child calls him grandad. I am not anti Step-parents but this is all kinds of crazy.

limitededitionbarbie · 04/10/2022 20:11

It's too soon.

My step father adopted me. This was over 30 years ago but from what I remember my bio dad was contacted and he refused but as he's had no contact with me for over 8 or 9 years and I was 11 at the time, they asked me what I wanted.

If your child's dad has been in touch then I can't see them allowing it.

Two years isn't long where kids are involved.

HermioneWeasley · 04/10/2022 20:12

How on Earth do you know he’s definitely not harming her?

you do know that paedophiles seek out single mothers and groom them to get access to their children? How common do you think it is for men to want to provide daily unpaid childcare for kids that aren’t theirs?

I think you’re incredibly naive. I hope I’m wrong and you’re right.

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 20:37

Yes I know peadophiles seek out single mothers. I know all the signs to look out for as I work with children everyday and I talk about her body with her and the PANTS rule. She is not exhibiting the usual behaviours that I would be on the look out for at work.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 04/10/2022 20:42

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 20:37

Yes I know peadophiles seek out single mothers. I know all the signs to look out for as I work with children everyday and I talk about her body with her and the PANTS rule. She is not exhibiting the usual behaviours that I would be on the look out for at work.

Surely if you have training in this you can also see the massive red flags in his behaviour?

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 20:43

Harm is not only physical. Surely you know this if you are trained in safeguarding? If he is as nice you believe why does he have zero respect for healthy boundaries?

Spanielsarepainless · 04/10/2022 20:45

My uncle adopted his stepson. The biological father didn't object. But if he had done I can't see how the courts would have allowed the adoption to go ahead.

toomuchlaundry · 04/10/2022 20:45

What do you think is best for your daughter?

Curtainsorblinds · 04/10/2022 20:48

Run for the hills with your daughter

red flags all over this

why would you sign your daughter over to him and not even get married to him yourself?

Original poster

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 20:55

Of course I am worried. I want her to have a stable life and home. I worry about the impact that meeting her bio dad again will have on her. This will be our 2nd time going through legal procedures although she was very young the first time so never asked questions or understood what was going on.

I never said I wouldn’t marry him. This is something I want to happen soon or when it feels right for the both of us.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2022 20:56

Oh dear.

rageapplied · 04/10/2022 20:56

Honestly I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a bloody good shake. Can't you see the huge red flags?

Darbs76 · 04/10/2022 21:05

I think some of the comments suggesting this man is abusing the daughter are a bit strong. Surely he doesn’t need to adopt her if he wanted to abuse her. Wouldn’t he not want to draw attention to it if he was? Not by going through courts / social etc to get it approved.

I also think it’s way too soon. Appreciate the reasons but you don’t have your own children yet and you’re not married. Revisit this 5yrs down the line is my advice. Now her father is back on the scene you need to help navigate this. Your daughter probably wants that father - daughter relationship and maybe if she gets that now from her biological father she won’t want to be adopted after all. Either way she’s far too young to make the decision.

MissMaple82 · 04/10/2022 21:06

Yes it would. He would have ti consent, and seennas he's now taking you to court fir access, that's highly unlikely

MissMaple82 · 04/10/2022 21:09

Hes unlikely to get parental responsibility either

JustLyra · 04/10/2022 21:10

I never said I wouldn’t marry him. This is something I want to happen soon or when it feels right for the both of us.

If it currently doesn’t feel right for you both to marry then it certainly shouldn’t feel right to allow him to adopt your child.

RedWingBoots · 04/10/2022 21:11

He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me.

He's contradicting himself and also talking crap.

And in England at least if something did happen to you, then if you DD was old enough she could decide to live with him over her father she sees irregularly and a Court would agree. If she was younger then the Court would make a decision in her best interests. To make it easier in both situations you need to be married or in a civil partnership with him. (Though it could come back to haunt you.)

In other words there is absolutely no need to adopt her for these things to happen, but it makes it easier if he is married/in a civil partnership with you.

Ted27 · 04/10/2022 21:11

@Usernameinvalid16

you have seen the reply on the adoption board from jellycats, I would take her advice on the process above anything on this thread.

I have to say though I feel baffled that you say you will marry this man when the time feels right, but you are prepared to give him legal rights with regard to your daughter now.

MissMaple82 · 04/10/2022 21:13

Just read some of the thread amd your responses. You are being unbelievable irresponsible and naive, some may even say stupid!

Travis1 · 04/10/2022 21:15

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 20:37

Yes I know peadophiles seek out single mothers. I know all the signs to look out for as I work with children everyday and I talk about her body with her and the PANTS rule. She is not exhibiting the usual behaviours that I would be on the look out for at work.

Christ it gets worse

Tohaveandtohold · 04/10/2022 21:19

You don’t feel it’s the right time for you to marry a man you met 2 years ago but you think it’s right for you to hand over parental responsibility of your vulnerable child to him? Words fail me honestly.
Basically you need to do what’s in her best interests, that’s what parents do, she’s not a toy, please, don’t mess her up, she already has a father in and out of her life, what she needs is stability, not another ‘dad’ who mum is not even sure of yet and can leave again.

Tweedledeeanddum · 04/10/2022 21:19

Why on earth would you let this man adopt your daughter but can’t even marry you. Come on you can’t be that daft?!

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 21:21

Darbs76 · 04/10/2022 21:05

I think some of the comments suggesting this man is abusing the daughter are a bit strong. Surely he doesn’t need to adopt her if he wanted to abuse her. Wouldn’t he not want to draw attention to it if he was? Not by going through courts / social etc to get it approved.

I also think it’s way too soon. Appreciate the reasons but you don’t have your own children yet and you’re not married. Revisit this 5yrs down the line is my advice. Now her father is back on the scene you need to help navigate this. Your daughter probably wants that father - daughter relationship and maybe if she gets that now from her biological father she won’t want to be adopted after all. Either way she’s far too young to make the decision.

It’s not just about sexual or physical abuse. And not even just abuse of the child.

Assuming he could adopt the daughter, he would then have rights should they split. Men often become abusive during pregnancy because they feel they have the woman trapped. He would have the op on the same situation.

If she leaves the dd will still get time with him, where the Op couldn’t protect her. He isn’t ready to marry the Mother but wants legal ties to the daughter, that wouldn’t be removed by the op leaving, why?

He wants the child’s dad to have a relationship, but also doesn’t want the child having legal ties to their father. What benefit to the partner do think there is?

He wants to ensure the dd lives with him incase op dies AND they have other dc. But, in that situation, doesn’t want the dad also to have meaningful contact.

It absolutely doesn’t make sense.Would legally tie your child to someone in these circumstances?

Either, he has been pushing this for a while, but why would he push for this randomly or within 12-18 months of meeting someone, Or the dad getting in touch has triggered this. Suggesting HE wants some control over the situation. And we are also expect to believe it’s coincidence that during this time, dd also just came up with the idea of him legally being her dad, all on her own?

Something is very off