Step parent adoption

[Usernameinvalid16]

I posted this on the adoption thread but there was no replies.

I was looking for some advice with a step parent adoption. We are in Scotland.


My partner wishes to adopt my DD8. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate and has had no contact with her since she was 2.


However, he recently got into contact through a lawyer and wishes to have contact again and is taking the matter to court. Would this impact the adoption procedures when we start them? I know we have to continue the court case legally until we have officially started our adoption procedure.


If anyone could help us out with the length of time the adoption could take and what steps we need to take that would be greatly appreciated.

[OopsAnotherOne]

My red flags are raised when I hear about a man who wants to legally tie himself to his partner's young daughter, but not his partner.
If he became abusive, or cheated, or just left one day, or you just fell out of love and seperated, he could go for 50/50 custody, that in itself is a red flag.
I hope that he hasn't got worse intentions but it's seriously suspicious and not common for a man to want to legally tie himself to a little girl before even considering marrying the mum of said girl. 2 years is so soon, so so soon, please reconsider this.

[descendantsfan24]

6-12 months for adoption @Usernameinvalid16

[CJsGoldfish]

You really need to think of your dd more than you are wanting to please your boyfriend. It reads like she's some kind of bargaining chip right now. Is the 'adoption' tied to decisions such as having a baby together or getting married? ie "we can do that after you agree to the adoption"
After a paltry 2 years, the idea that you'd even consider having your boyfriend adopt your child when YOU have no legal tie to him yourself is mind blowing.
I'm sure the idea/means of blocking her father is a very attractive proposition but this is not the way. It really makes me worry for your child.

[Aprilx]

@Usernameinvalid16

She just mentioned that she would like him to be her dad. I do not talk about any sensitive information around her. She doesn’t know what adoption is, just that she would like him to be her dad. We were actually talking about her day at school when she brought it up after being quiet for a couple of minutes. I have not influenced her in anyway.

She just wants a dad, most children do. And he just happens to be there, she would say it about any man that was around her a lot. You really ought not to be taking your guidance from her, she does not understand the legal ramifications or possibly ulterior motives of him.

On the topic of ulterior motives, I do think it is very very weird that he is thinking of this after two years, but my mind has not gone to the most sinister motives. Last night I decided to share with my husband this thread and he immediately said you should pick up your daughter and start running.

[AccountDeactivated]

Source childcare. Your creepy boyfriend should not be in lone charge of your kid. Obviously. Ffs.

[HoHoHowMuch]

Thing is, you say that you both want him looking after her if you die in future and you also have joint children. But all of that is in the future. You don't even know if you will be able to have kids together. Right now there is a father who wants to see her and is not looking to be replaced. I honestly wouldn't be remotely considering adoption in your position unless you were much further down the line and had the married and further child/ren. No one has aid that this is good idea. You really should listen and not try to continue with adoption or parental responsibility. If something does happen to you, she will be taken care of by the most suitable person, regardless of adoption or not.

[JustLyra]

@Usernameinvalid16

That’s true. I would hope he isn’t talking to her about it. But he also works from home whilst he has her most days so I am assuming he doesn’t have time to talk intensely about anything.

For someone who claimed earlier to be very aware of safeguarding you make a lot of assumptions.

[LightDrizzle]

Marriage is a much more obvious first step. His primary commitment should be to you. It’s a bit odd he has leapt straight to adopting your daughter, after two years.
It just doesn’t sit right with me.

You have to really consider the ramifications of this, we never think relationships will end when they are still good but we know they do. An acrimonious split with this man if he is your daughter’s adopted father would be a nightmare. How does seeing your daughter 50% of the time split with him and his gf sound? Not being able to move more than a short distance/ change her school/ go abroad with her without his consent?

[Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious]

@Usernameinvalid16

That’s true. I would hope he isn’t talking to her about it. But he also works from home whilst he has her most days so I am assuming he doesn’t have time to talk intensely about anything.

That's very naïve

[Usernameinvalid16]

That’s true. I would hope he isn’t talking to her about it. But he also works from home whilst he has her most days so I am assuming he doesn’t have time to talk intensely about anything.

[rageapplied]

But he looks after her alone. And you've no idea what he's saying then

[Usernameinvalid16]

I would say so yes. We talk about sensitive topics once she has gone to bed or when she’s playing outside with friends.

[JustLyra]

@Usernameinvalid16

She just mentioned that she would like him to be her dad. I do not talk about any sensitive information around her. She doesn’t know what adoption is, just that she would like him to be her dad. We were actually talking about her day at school when she brought it up after being quiet for a couple of minutes. I have not influenced her in anyway.

Can you hand-on-heart say that he hasn’t?

Is he as cautious as you when he’s walking with her about not discussing sensitive information or putting ideas in her head?

[Usernameinvalid16]

She just mentioned that she would like him to be her dad. I do not talk about any sensitive information around her. She doesn’t know what adoption is, just that she would like him to be her dad. We were actually talking about her day at school when she brought it up after being quiet for a couple of minutes. I have not influenced her in anyway.

[Ted27]

@TimeForTeaAndG

its very possible that the daughter has said she would like him to be her dad.

that I can believe. She just wants a dad, perfectly natural

At 8 though I’d be very surprised if she was thinking legal adoption and she will of course have no idea of the implications

[TimeForTeaAndG]

@AccountDeactivated

@TimeForTeaAndG OP said it’s the boyfriend that’s driving this 🚩🚩🚩
Not the child.

OP also said her DD said she would like him to be her dad. "Not influenced" by OP or him. She just happened to say it. Which I'm sceptical about.

[AccountDeactivated]

@TimeForTeaAndG OP said it’s the boyfriend that’s driving this 🚩🚩🚩
Not the child.

[LiberteEgaliteBeyonce]

You don't have to adopt to be a dad. The paper doesn't make you a dad. If he wants to be a dad, he can be it and should not be conditional on an adoption certificate.

[Anonymous48]

Also, the title of your post is very misleading. "Step parent adoption". He isn't even her step parent!

[Anonymous48]

@Usernameinvalid16

Yes I know he will always be DDs dad. But so far he’s not done that. I’m willing to answer any questions she may have now or in the future. She’s always had me, and always will.

I haven’t answered anyones questions because I’m at work but once I’m home tonight I will work through the posts and answer individual questions.

But... if your boyfriend adopts your daughter then HE will be her dad. Her biological dad will no longer be her dad. She can't have 2 legal fathers.

My husband adopted my children. Their biological father had passed away, and my husband and I were married before he adopted them. We got married with the intention that he would then adopt them, but the marriage has to come first! I can't imagine a judge would approve an adoption by a man when you and he haven't even committed to each other yet. (That's leaving out the fact that her biological father is still around.)

I hope you're right that there are no sinister ulterior motives on behalf of your boyfriend, and that he wants to adopt your child because he cares about her and wants to be her father. But one step at a time. If he cares that much about protecting her and taking care of her, why doesn't he want to marry you first? Something is just odd here.

[averageavocado]

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer

Why are you legally binding your child to a partner you aren't even yourself legally bound to? And after only 2 years? This seems very rushed.

This!!!

Wait til you get married and then a while

[TimeForTeaAndG]

So he spends time alone with her and she just so happens to mention she would like him to be her dad at the same time as her bio-dad is back on the scene.

Yeah, I'm sure there hasn't been any little "wouldn't it be great if I was your dad...." type comments made to her. Anyway, she's 8. Of course she wants "a dad". But you're her parent and you need to be making grown up decisions here, not just moving in a boyfriend and playing happy families.

[mynameisbrian]

Your not even married. You have brought this man into your DC home very quickly and if you split your risking handing over your DD to a bloke who she isn't even related too as he will have rights for contact. Shocking....

I don't think it will get very far as I think her dad will resist any attempts for your boyfriend to adopt his DC.

You need to give your head a wobble and protect your DC

[ConsuelaHammock]

I wouldn’t let a partner make this commitment to my child when he hasn’t made a commitment to me.

[Usernameinvalid16]

Yes I know he will always be DDs dad. But so far he’s not done that. I’m willing to answer any questions she may have now or in the future. She’s always had me, and always will.

I haven’t answered anyones questions because I’m at work but once I’m home tonight I will work through the posts and answer individual questions.