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Original poster

Step parent adoption

149 replies

Usernameinvalid16 · 03/10/2022 21:51

I posted this on the adoption thread but there was no replies.

I was looking for some advice with a step parent adoption. We are in Scotland.

My partner wishes to adopt my DD8. Her biological father is not on her birth certificate and has had no contact with her since she was 2.

However, he recently got into contact through a lawyer and wishes to have contact again and is taking the matter to court. Would this impact the adoption procedures when we start them? I know we have to continue the court case legally until we have officially started our adoption procedure.

If anyone could help us out with the length of time the adoption could take and what steps we need to take that would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 04/10/2022 14:34

DemBonesDemBones · 04/10/2022 14:27

@SandrasAnnoyingFriend I'm so sad this lady didn't get answers on the adoption board because the judgement and misinformation on this thread is unreal. Imagine making a statement like that (that you'd be listed as adoptive mother) so boldly when you very obviously have no idea about adoption!

Quite.

The process is arduous and thorough and can stir up a lot of 'stuff' for everyone involved, but when you have a committed step father and a child without a biological father of any value it can be an amazing thing to undertake.

The social worker will make a recommendation at the end of the process and this will be based on a lot of work between the family and social services. The engagement of the biological father makes it a lot simpler but it's not necessary for a decision to be unanimous.

However in this situation the OP needs to be a lot more cautious with such a big commitment on her daughter's behalf. I think there are some major red flags given the duration of their relationship and I'd go so far as to say that social services could end up evaluating her decision making as a mother if she were to pursue this.

RedWingBoots · 04/10/2022 14:36

DemBonesDemBones · 04/10/2022 14:21

@MayThe4th it is nonsense, the judge has discretion. A Father that hasn't been in contact with a child for many years would certainly not be granted all the rights you list as easily as you suggest.

What rights are those?

Parents have responsibilities, children have rights.

Anyway as I said and loads of other posters said for different reasons the idea is bonkers.

DemBonesDemBones · 04/10/2022 14:37

@MayThe4th 'If a biological father goes to court for access and parental responsibility it is highly unlikely he wouldn’t be put on the child’s birth certificate.'

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 04/10/2022 14:42

My daughters ask for lots of things it doesn't mean they are in their best interests. Nor does it mean they understand the full implications. I think even considering adoption at this stage is lunacy. You have know this man for 2 years. In the grand scheme of things it's nothing. You aren't even married and even then 1/2 of those fail. He cam be a father to her without being on her birth certificate. I think the risks outweigh the benefits entirely.

2bazookas · 04/10/2022 14:59

The BIO dad would have to give consent to the adoption, and from his recent contact request that's unlikely. (The fact he's not on the BC is irrelevent. You have recognised him as the dad and a DNA test would prove it).

Its highly unlikely that a court would overturn his wishes in this instance.

The most important feelings are not yours, or either man. Bio dad IS your childs father and will in future hold a powerful position in her sense of identity. So for her sake, allow some level of loose contact so she knows who he is.. Then when she grows up, she can make her own choice to see him or not.

If your current partner truly wants the very best for your child, he needs to recognise the above. He is still perfectly free to name DC in his will, leave every thing to her, etc, even though he isn't her adopted father.

ChocChipOwl · 04/10/2022 15:06

You need to stop tbh

Why can't he just be your partner and mum's boyfriend for now? Why the hurry for him to be recognised legally as her adoptive father? And he's driving it is he? Hmmm

You need to put your daughter first. What does putting her first look like? I'd say it's opening back up tentative communication with her actual father and going through careful steps leading to him having a relationship with her - providing he is not violent or otherwise harmful. Because she's entitled to a relationship with her father ultimately and you owe it to her to try and facilitate that until/ unless it becomes clear that won't work out

She doesn't need your boyfriend or 2 years to try to be her dad and I'd question his motives for this

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/10/2022 15:07

Yes of course it will impact the adoption order. Even though he's not on the birth certificate he can apply for a parental responsibility order which will give him parental responsibility.

Social services will contact him to see if he agrees to the adoption. He can also apply to the court to stop the adoption if he wants to.

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/10/2022 15:08

Does your dp realise that if you split up and he's adopted your dc you'll be entitled to claim child maint from him.

MbatataOwl · 04/10/2022 15:11

It sounds like he could be a pervert tbh.

It's very odd that him pushing it doesn't ring any alarm bells for you op.

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/10/2022 15:12

Oh also (sorry keep thinking of things), if you split up he can take you to court for 50/50 (or more) contact, he could even apply to be the primary carer, how would you feel about seeing your dd every other weekend whilst she lives with this man. He can make decisions on her school, apply for a passport for her. Basically he'll have the ability to make all the decisions you do for your dc.

Be very careful here op, this decision isn't just about playing happy families, it will impact your dc for the rest of their lives!

HermioneWeasley · 04/10/2022 15:16

Him pushing to adopt your daughter after 2 years is a huge red flag.

anything else he pushes for? Is she ever alone with him?

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 15:27

Your dp of 2 years is pushing for PR or adoption of your child?

That doesn’t strike you as odd? A coincidence that dds bio father is now back in touch.

There’s no need for him to adopt the child to be a step father or have PR.

You say you child dd ask for him to officially be her dad? Again, coincidence that a small child wanted this out of the blue when you partner is also pushing for it.

I have been with Dp 5 years, there’s absolutely no reason for him to need PR for my kids.

Testina · 04/10/2022 15:57

I thought this was your own idea.
Pushed by him, huh?
You say you’d like to get married- which means that’s not planned.
Why do you think it’s a good idea for you daughter to have more of a legal tie to this man than you do?!!
Think about that.
Slow. Down.

SquishyGloopyBum · 04/10/2022 16:49

Why is he pushing for this op?

It's 2 years. You don't live together.

You seem very blasé about it all.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:11

Yea he looks after her after school whilst I’m at work but he’s definitely not harming her in anyway.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 04/10/2022 19:17

Two years is far too soon. Him pushing it is also not a good sign.

Has he started pushing it as her bio Dad has appeared? Is it a bid to try and prevent him having access to your child?

What are the benefits to your child with your partner adopting her?

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 19:22

Cactuslove · 04/10/2022 13:27

If I had been dating a man for 2 yrs and he was now pushing to adopt my child I would find it very diffucult to ignore all the alarm bells that would literally be deafening me. Rightly or wrongly, I just don't get it. Why is this even necessary? Surely the right way forward at the moment is come to an agreement with her actual father and see what sort of father he can be. The worry over making medical decisions in your absence might be resolved if the bio dad can build a good relationship with her. Also generally medics would act in her best interests. It's not about him understanding what adoption means. Its about you understanding it. Also who cares if your daughter wants him to be her dad? Not to be flippant but he isn't- and she's got a dad who she might yet be able to build a relationship with. And if she can't build a relationship with her dad then she has you and your partner who can be a good role model and steady person in her life. I can't put my finger on it but this need to adopt your child feels odd.

100% this! At 2 years he should still be getting to know your daughter not pushing to adopt her. I can’t believe 2 years in you are trying to legally tie her to a man forever.

rageapplied · 04/10/2022 19:26

So many red flags.

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 19:28

OP what are his motivations for this?

coldcoldheartt · 04/10/2022 19:34

Hmm. 🚩

Original poster
Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:35

No he hasn’t started pushing for it since her bio dad has reappeared. He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me. He doesn’t like the thought of her being in 2 different homes especially when we go on to have our own DC.

OP posts:
Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 19:39

Usernameinvalid16 · 04/10/2022 19:35

No he hasn’t started pushing for it since her bio dad has reappeared. He wants to give her bio dad a chance to get to know DD but would like to adopt her to ensure that she would be taken care of in the event that anything would happen to me. He doesn’t like the thought of her being in 2 different homes especially when we go on to have our own DC.

These aren’t his decisions to make. He wants to give her dad a chance, by removing any legal tie?

He needs PR for this?

Why would she stay with him only 2 years into a relationship when you don’t have joint kids?

Your daughters parents aren’t together. If everything works out with her dad, as your dp wants, she will have 2 homes.

Is your dp really suggesting that if you die in a few years, your dd loses the ability to have access to her dad?

Travis1 · 04/10/2022 19:39

Some really big red flags here. There is absolutely no need for an adoption. I mean after two years if anything happened to you would you want this man to have responsibility for your daughter? Surely she should be with family? This is absolutely bizarre behaviour on your part.

theremustonlybeone · 04/10/2022 19:48

OMG maybe your wanabee father should first commit to the childs mother through marriage. I mean really your looking to handover PR to a bloke who you have been dating for 2yrs?
I would like to think you took time to introduce tour DC to this new man but I gather your poor DC has been drawn in as quickly as you have without any concern for their emotional wellbeing

Hearthnhome · 04/10/2022 19:50

How long has he been pushing to adopt your child?