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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am being selfish but don't want to take DC to see dying MIL

103 replies

Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:10

Am I the most selfish horrible person for thinking like this?

We are flying to my husbands home country at the weekend, which could be potentially mine and DC last time seeing her. MIL has had cancer for over 4 years and now other serious health problems recently has left her in a really bad way. She is very ill. DH has recently been and stayed for 2 weeks. He will also go again when the time comes. She has an appointment that he wants to be there for and wants us and DC to come as well.

She is at home but bed bound. DC are lively 4 and 5 year olds. We lost my grandmother this year and the death really unsettled them. We will stay with them for 4 days and I just hate the thought of them seeing her so ill and naturally it's a very sad time that i personally wish they wasn't exposed to.

I know it would mean the world to her to see them and I think my DH would be incredibly sad if they/she didn't get to see them one last time. Flights are booked so we are going but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:
justabigdisco · 03/10/2022 18:12

Death is a normal part of life. I think you need to consider taking them for the sake of your DH and DMIL

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/10/2022 18:14

I think you’re being a little unfair if she’s ‘all there’ but just frail and in bed. You - and they - won’t be expected to spend much time with her. Just a few minutes, show her some pictures they’ve drawn her.

35965a · 03/10/2022 18:14

It’s a tough one. When my grandfather had cancer it was very difficult to see him like that and we were teenagers at the time so I imagine when they’re so little it could be even more scary. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here, it’s a very hard decision for you.

phishy · 03/10/2022 18:15

YABU. Death is part of life.

DrDetriment · 03/10/2022 18:16

YABU. Take them.

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/10/2022 18:16

You need to suck it up and do it for your DH. Unless you’ll treat your own parents the same way and deprive them of seeing their grandchildren one last time when the time comes?

Greensleeves · 03/10/2022 18:17

I don't think you're being selfish, you're worried about the effect on the children - but I do think you'd be wrong to act on the worries. Yes, it will be sad and difficult, but with your loving support the children will get through it and be able to process the coming loss in a healthy way. It would be much worse to deny both MIL and the children the opportunity to say goodbye out of a desire to shield them, imo.

Daenarys · 03/10/2022 18:18

It is a normal part of life, and kids need to learn this and learn to deal with the emotions surrounding death. With good and gentle explanations I am sure they will deal very well with this. And your dying MIL will have such a boost knowing that she has seen her grandchildren. I think this sounds like something you need to do for your husband as much as your MIL, and it’s good that the kids see these acts of kindness to others.

Hope it goes as well as these things can! good luck!

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 18:19

Take them.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 03/10/2022 18:19

Deal with it. Have a heart.

Original poster
Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:19

Death is part of life but at 4 and 5 do they really need to be exposed to it. Like I said it's happening, we are going but I just feel uneasy about it.

OP posts:
AlsoknownasOther · 03/10/2022 18:20

Your children may not thank you when they are older for stopping them. Because it'll come out and they'll know that she died wanting to see them one last time.

Also your husband may never forgive you, nor will his surviving family.

Arenanewbie · 03/10/2022 18:20

Their age might help - less expectations, chats about toys, drawings, being outside.
I would plan with your DH in advance what you are going to do with them (surely he’s not expecting them to sit and look at MIL the whole day) and how much you would tell them so everyone would be at the same page.

PorridgewithQuark · 03/10/2022 18:21

My youngest was 5 when my mil died - he had no problems with spending time with her in her own home in the weeks before she died, even though she changed a lot (from being fit and healthy looking and able to carry him on hikes to being wheelchair bound with a catheter and losing her hair and becoming newly very deaf due to side effects of chemotherapy).

He got very upset by visiting her in hospital though- both he and his older brother really struggled with the hospital environment but took taking care of her at home in their stride even though it was very rapid role reversal.

So if handled right your children hopefully won't be upset.

Did they visit your grandmother in an institutional or hospital setting, or at home?

SalviaOfficinalis · 03/10/2022 18:21

My grandad died when I was a young teen, it was horrible seeing him so ill (unconscious and yellow - liver failure), it was like being next to a dead body, he died a few hours later.

My dad wanted us to kiss him on the cheek to say goodbye but I was scared to, luckily my mum said we didn’t have to.

I’m not sure it’s relevant as yours are much younger than I was - and it completely depends on how MIL is at the time.

happinessischocolate · 03/10/2022 18:21

I think it's normal to not be looking forward to it, I doubt your DH is looking forward to it either but it's something that has to be done.

Kids take they're lead from our behaviour, if you deal with it well then they will too, if you make it into a big drama and a horrible experience then that's how they'll see it.

Time for the big girl pants I'm afraid.

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 18:22

Sorry but yes you do have to expose them to it. All they need to know is that she’s poorly. To not take them wouldn’t be fair at all. My children saw 2 grandads die in 5 months, harsh but part of life. My eldest had to help lift him into his grave which I wasn’t too comfortable with but part of their culture (obviously older than your children but it was still something I’d have rather not have exposed him to until an adult)

PomPomChatton · 03/10/2022 18:23

Someone said this to me which I found helpful in similar circumstances:

It's not your job to protect them from the sadness of death, rather to help them work through it.

erinaceus · 03/10/2022 18:23

Do you know how she looks? Have you had a recent video chat or photo? This might help you feel reassured or at least psychologically prepared.

I am very sorry for your loss.

HappyFeet63 · 03/10/2022 18:24

They aren’t necessarily being exposed to death though. They will see gran being frail and bedbound, and see you and DH looking after her and you will teach them about looking after others.

i assume the kids won’t be with her as she is actively dying and therefore not be traumatised by this. You can explain death gently to them. Pets die, grandparents die, and they need to have a basic age appropriate understanding of this.

I understand your protective instincts as mum, but this is one where the needs of others take precedence.

my kids are similar ages and have watched 2 very close relatives pass this year - we dealt with it in age appropriate way and they are learning empathy and have not been distressed or upset.

TheGoodFighter · 03/10/2022 18:26

You're not supposed to feel comfortable, she's dying. It's not comfortable. But its not about you.

Jazzydrops · 03/10/2022 18:27

At that age do you need to tell them she is actively dying? I would take them for a really short amount of time and just says she’s feeling very, very unwell.
Then deal with the death side of it when that time comes.
If she’s a good person and she has a good relationship with you all then both she and the DC deserve to have that final opportunity.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/10/2022 18:28

I can see your concerns, but can you take them out for trips and carry on more or less like a quiet holiday while your husband waits by the bedside and does all that.

blubberyboo · 03/10/2022 18:29

I didn’t appreciate being excluded from visiting dying relatives /funerals etc on a few occasions when I was young. I thought it made me less important as a family member. Yes people maybe were sheltering me but at the time it just made me think that older cousins were more important /closer than I was so they didn’t think it important to include me.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 18:30

Please make death a part of life that is to be accepted. My adult dd has an unhealthy fear of death - she has had just 1 relative and I didn't take her to the funeral.