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Original poster

I know I am being selfish but don't want to take DC to see dying MIL

103 replies

Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:10

Am I the most selfish horrible person for thinking like this?

We are flying to my husbands home country at the weekend, which could be potentially mine and DC last time seeing her. MIL has had cancer for over 4 years and now other serious health problems recently has left her in a really bad way. She is very ill. DH has recently been and stayed for 2 weeks. He will also go again when the time comes. She has an appointment that he wants to be there for and wants us and DC to come as well.

She is at home but bed bound. DC are lively 4 and 5 year olds. We lost my grandmother this year and the death really unsettled them. We will stay with them for 4 days and I just hate the thought of them seeing her so ill and naturally it's a very sad time that i personally wish they wasn't exposed to.

I know it would mean the world to her to see them and I think my DH would be incredibly sad if they/she didn't get to see them one last time. Flights are booked so we are going but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 04/10/2022 11:05

I'm sorry but they need to see her.

Waitingfordecember · 04/10/2022 11:11

I wasn’t taken to say goodbye to my grandad at a similar age to your children and it still bothers me now. He loved me and I would love to know that I had brought him some comfort towards the end.

Yes death is upsetting, but it’s a natural part of life.

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/10/2022 11:21

You should take them, death will happen to us all and we shouldn't be afraid of it. A big taboo has built up around it in our society which has made us scared of it. They should see her and say their goodbyes to her.

MissingNashville · 04/10/2022 11:26

I wouldn’t have let my children at that age, especially my daughter as she’s very similar to me. I saw a dying friend of the family at age 6 and it really affected me negatively. Bad dreams at night and kept thinking about it in the day. When he died, it was even worse. Kids don’t need exposing to that, to seeing someone so sick. As I got older, I was more able to cope with things and as an adult I cope just fine with illness and death.

Puppers · 04/10/2022 11:34

It depends on your children. You know them best and you know how they are likely to cope with this. I think (in fact I know from personal experience as a child and with my own children experiencing the loss of two of their great grandmothers) that it's very different seeing someone dying when you spend regular time with them and see them deteriorate gradually, as opposed to seeing someone in the end stages of cancer for the first time in a long time, when they are very different to your last memory. Especially when you're talking about children who are so young. In that instance, no I wouldn't take my children to see her. I know that their personalities are such that they would find it extremely distressing and especially for my very anxious 5 year old this would exacerbate existing worries about death and loss that cause lots of sleep and behavioural issues for him. I would 100% put my children first, above MIL and DH. In fact my DH would be putting them first too so he wouldn't expect it of them.

You are their parent and you need to advocate for their well-being above all else. Their dad should as well.

boredOf · 04/10/2022 11:46

No you don't need to. They are young.

Iknowthis1 · 04/10/2022 11:54

How would you feel if it was your mother, not his?

Puppers · 04/10/2022 11:57

Iknowthis1 · 04/10/2022 11:54

How would you feel if it was your mother, not his?

That's only relevant if the children have the same relationship with both grandmothers and would be affected in the same way.

DollyTots · 04/10/2022 12:00

Is an option FaceTiming? We did that with my grandma when she recently passed away. She was distressed, in pain and looked vastly different to what my 6 year old DD would have recognised her to be. They wouldn’t allow any under 12s to see her at the hospital. So, it depends what state she is in and what you believe you could help your children cope with.

I remember being taken at 15 to see my dying great gran. It was quite traumatic as she got upset towards the end and wanted me out because it was too difficult for her. I don’t feel grateful for seeing her one last time like that and I don’t think she did either.

stuffnthings · 04/10/2022 12:03

I think most children can cope with the concept of death, if it's explained in a child based way. Although it's a difficult situation, I would considering taking them OP.

Our local hospice nurse came and visited us and talked to my 2 DC (6 and 9 at the time) when my DW was in her last couple of months. The discussion certainly helped them hugely to process the incredibly sad information, it opened up conversation and they knew it wasn't a taboo or hushed subject - that was huge for them I think, and still is now.

It is important to use the right language and be clear - things like saying 'poorly' is not good for example, as all of us can be 'poorly', a cold makes you poorly, but won't ordinarily result in someone dying. I was encouraged to be clear and use the correct words, but discuss in a gentle way, always making sure they knew they could ask more questions or just carry on playing if they wanted to.

There is a balance and must be communicated in a proper way, the finer details of the process of death aren't necessary for example, but being clear and open with the concept is helpful I believe. And of course, ultimately you know your children and each one is different, so needs to be tailored accordingly.

My condolences to you all OP.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 04/10/2022 12:03

If it means something to your DH to bring them then I would. I would absolutely not have my DH tell me I couldn't bring my DC to visit a dying parent for the last time to sheild them from something that they will inevitably have to deal with anyway.

Pamlar · 04/10/2022 12:08

Make a plan for the time you are there so you have time out the house even if just to go to a park or something.
Take activities for them to do so they are busy and distracted if nec -I know this is all stuff you have thought of.
It could be a really special time that they remember in a good way... that time we baked a cake in granny's house etc.
I'm sure it's very tough for you to be juggling all the different worries but you all being there will be so important for your mil.

BarrelOfOtters · 04/10/2022 12:10

Go, talk to the kids about it first, there's some good resources on line. Just so they aren't shocked if they haven't seen her in a while. But kids are surprisingly resilient. It would mean a lot to her.

CrystalCoco · 04/10/2022 12:27

Nope, fuck that.

Yes death is part of life but a 4 and 5 year old don't need to see a near-to-death-gran.

I was a grown-ass woman when I saw near-to-death-MIL for the last time before she passed away - and I seriously wished I hadn't.

I'm sure DH and MIL would like it but I'm also sure your DC would not. Don't put them through that, it'll likely give them nightmares.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2022 12:34

My Mum died when she was 60 and my daughter was approaching 5. She and my Mum were very close. There was no question of avoiding the situation as I was there every day as my Mum chose to die at home. My daughter loved nothing more than getting into bed with Nanna and "looking after her". It was an important process of acceptance.

DD was never exposed to the more unpleasant bits and when Mum died it wad easier to explain. I realise it's a very personal decision but I do think it's important that children have a grasp of the circle of life.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 04/10/2022 12:34

Have some compassion! However hard or traumatic it is to see anyone in such a debilitating state, it is worse for the person themselves! I’ve fallen out with two family members who ‘couldn’t cope’ with seeing their parent/brother in his final days. I thought they were utterly selfish. He was well enough to know they were there and it would have meant the world to him, had they bothered to just spend 5-10 mins there.

I appreciate that with children it’s different but I would still want to go with my partner and support him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2022 12:35

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 04/10/2022 12:34

Have some compassion! However hard or traumatic it is to see anyone in such a debilitating state, it is worse for the person themselves! I’ve fallen out with two family members who ‘couldn’t cope’ with seeing their parent/brother in his final days. I thought they were utterly selfish. He was well enough to know they were there and it would have meant the world to him, had they bothered to just spend 5-10 mins there.

I appreciate that with children it’s different but I would still want to go with my partner and support him.

I agree with this. My two uncles did this to my Nan and I thought it was shocking behaviour for two grown men.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2022 12:37

To add, the book "Goodbye Mog" was a good way to explain things to my DD at such a young age.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 04/10/2022 12:38

@CrystalCoco - let’s hope you’re never in the position that people feel so repulsed by your dying body, you’re left to die alone. I absolutely cannot comprehend your lack of empathy!

ChaToilLeam · 04/10/2022 12:45

It is very sad, but do please go and take the kids if you can. Children need to learn to process death and understand it is a part of life. This was something very much hidden from me as a child (my parents had best intentions) and I had real difficulties handling this later on. Goodbye Mog is a great book for this, very gentle introduction to the topic.

Redqueenheart · 04/10/2022 12:46

I would not do it.

Unless they have a truly close relationship with your MIL, which is unlikely if she is based in a different country, then I don't see the rational for putting them through this.

Especially if they already struggled with losing someone else this year that they were actually close to.

I am really surprised at the responses on this thread.

It seems all very necessary to me to put them through more disruption.

Also are you taking them away from school for 2 weeks or more? is that really the best thing for them?

Making death part of life does not have to mean dragging kids across the world for two weeks and forcing them to stare at a dying person they probably are not even attached to due to the distance.

Follow your instincts.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2022 12:48

I as a grown adult don't want to have to say goodbye and see her so unwell

I think this is the root of the issue.
It won’t be as bad as you fear.

Skippingthroughthepilots · 04/10/2022 13:35

Very gently, I have to say after reading Redqueenheart's reply above that I think the attitude that you can somehow 'spare' your children disruption is very wrong in this instance - they're going to lose their grandma, it is a fact and whether you take them to see her or not, that will happen. You alone know whether your children are likely to suffer worse from seeing their grandma or from not having those memories of her as she is now. But it is not fair to the children or yourself to think you should (or even can) make the very sad situation somehow better for them, other than by sharing your and their natural grief. Don't put that pressure on yourself.

fucap · 04/10/2022 13:51

I think only you can really judge whether the situation is appropriate for them or not. If it's a case of her at home, in her own bed, with minimal medical equipment, looking very unwell, then yes, it could be appropriate for the children to see her. You've said she's at home so maybe this is the case.

However, and I mention this for other posters on the thread who are saying things like this are part of life, I think people should be very careful about exposing young children to hospital situations where a relative is surrounded by medical equipment - tubes, machines etc.

There was a situation in our family when I was 5. My parents thought it was appropriate to take me in to see the relative in an intensive care head injuries unit every day for several months. I showed no obvious signs of distress at the time (I assume at least).
However, it led to a full-blown medical phobia which meant I avoided all medical treatment of any description until last year when I was finally able to go for a covid vaccine and able to receive dental treatment.
I had not connected what I had seen and experienced as a five year old with the medical phobia until discussions began with the dentist.

I think the needs of the child should be at the forefront and that means sometimes taking difficult decisions of not letting the child see the relative if the particular situation could lead to trauma of the kind I experienced.
I would also suggest that if medical equipment is being used (not to the extent of that in the head injuries unit which is totally inappropriate for a child to see.... and I'm now angry that I was subjected to that), the parent should explain in child-friendly terms what the equipment is for.

Eg. a nasal tube to aid breathing - explain what it is and that it doesn't hurt grandma, it rests inside her nose and helps her to breathe better.

Please don't subject your children to seeing medical things without an explanation!!!

abw94 · 04/10/2022 14:17

After recently losing my MIL from cancer I wouldn't wish my child to see her in the way I did, it will be with me forever. The way she was screaming out in pain, not knowing who we were, where she was etc.

At 4&5 they will have an understanding of what is happening and I don't think that is fair.

As your flights are booked I would go but stay elsewhere so you can assess the situation yourself or just visit for a small amount of time.