I know I am being selfish but don't want to take DC to see dying MIL

[Jadech]

Am I the most selfish horrible person for thinking like this?

We are flying to my husbands home country at the weekend, which could be potentially mine and DC last time seeing her. MIL has had cancer for over 4 years and now other serious health problems recently has left her in a really bad way. She is very ill. DH has recently been and stayed for 2 weeks. He will also go again when the time comes. She has an appointment that he wants to be there for and wants us and DC to come as well.

She is at home but bed bound. DC are lively 4 and 5 year olds. We lost my grandmother this year and the death really unsettled them. We will stay with them for 4 days and I just hate the thought of them seeing her so ill and naturally it's a very sad time that i personally wish they wasn't exposed to.

I know it would mean the world to her to see them and I think my DH would be incredibly sad if they/she didn't get to see them one last time. Flights are booked so we are going but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I understand your feelings but yes it would be cruel to deny her last visit with her grandchildren in my opinion.

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. I saw death to when I was young and I think I had more of a fear of it because I couldn't really understand it. Now in my 30s and having recently lost my own GM I coped much better

Obviously until I'm faced with that I can't truly say 100% but currently I think even more so with my own mother I would want to keep them away at the end. They don't see the paternal grandparent often due to living in another country and covid etc. i think it would be a lot harder on them to see their maternal grandmother extremely ill and dying.

I don't think there's any reasonable way of denying a dying grandmother a final moment with her GCs.

Thank you that is really helpful

I would go but insist you and the DC stay in a hotel to avoid exhausting and overwhelming the patient. Then the children can visit her for very brief periods and she gets plenty of time with her son while you do fun stuff with the kids elsewhere.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Yes, death is a part of life but there is also the slow and awful death with cancer. I lost my beloved dad a couple of months ago to cancer. He was an unbelievably strong man until the end but those last few days robbed him of all his dignity. We made the decision not to allow DC to see him when he became really, really poorly (the last 10 days). They adored him and it would have crushed them to see him like that. I was with him at the end and I still can't shake the images or the pain of his death.

Yes, death is a part of life but I don't think it brings anything positive for some young children to actually see their grandparent who is dying.

Do they fly over to see the grandparent often ?

When our DS was 4 he lost his MIL, I did not take him to see her in her last days. It was upsetting enough for myself and my DH, our DS didn't need that image of his Nana, he knew Nana as he knew her, not lying in get bed ill.

He already knew about death as he lost his other Nana, and his great nanny so this was another one died and gone, so, he knows deaths (sadly at 4 years old) and how awful it is, he didn't need the images to go with that hurt.

But that was our choice and it's a very personal thing. You can't do it just because it's nice for the dying grandparent, you need to decide based on your child's personality if it's best for them to se her. And there will be your answer.

Have a look at the Winston's Wish website as there is really useful information there on how to deal with and speak about death and people who are dying aimed specifically at Children.

It is hard, but it is good for them to be part of it rather than shut out of the process. But perhaps see if there are things you can do in the few days there that are outside the house and the boys can run around and have fun away from the sombreness. While allowing them time to just be around their grandmother and family as well.

If you would insist on relegating your children’s needs to the sidelines in favour of prioritising your own feelings as an adult then a good father would and should absolutely step in and advocate for them.

If you do take them, show them a very recent photo first and try to answer any questions first.
I saw my great uncle very near the end of his life when I was 6. Nobody had warned me what he was going to look like and I was expecting the plump smiley man with a tan who he had been when I saw him the year before. Intead he was small and grey and they had taken his false teeth out so his whole face looked very different.
That really upset me as a little kid, I was scared and creeped out. In contrast, two years later when my grandad was in hospital and things were not looking great, they showed me a picture of him first and talked about why he looked different and had a bandage on his head (a recent fall) and I could get used to the idea first- so when I did see him it wasn't suprising and I could sit close and hold his hand.
That was a much much nicer way to see someone old and unwell, even if in comparison my grandad looked far worse than my great uncle- I was just ready for it.

Don't do it, trust your judgement and don't let your dh bully you into something you aren't comfortable with, especially given the death of your grandmother upset and unsettled them

Awful to not let her see them or to try and hide it from them tbh

death happens - they need to know about it

I don’t see how it would affect them negatively - surely it’s better tbh understand what’s going on

one of my close friends wasn’t allowed see her dad when he died or go
ti the funeral - and this affected her very badly and for years she didn’t even believe he had died !! She was 8 at the time

My kids lost both grandads within a few months when they were 9&5. They saw them close to the end, I didn't really think about not letting them tbh because both grandads were aware of their surroundings and doted on them.

What did you do with them when your grandma was unwell?

Fwiw as a child I had a few deaths in the family. The only one I didn't cope with was the sudden and unexpected.

I wouldn’t let my children at that age.

I was taken to see a dying relative when I was a young child. They were so ill, how they looked scared me, so thin, their eyes and skin, I’ll never forget how frightened and uncomfortable I felt. They looked and acted nothing like I remembered seeing them previously and looked different to any other person I’d seen. I remember just wanting to go home. It wasn’t at all helpful to me as a child, it just scared me. It would have been much better to just tell me this person was ill and talk about that and their life, and then tell me when they died.

Talking to children a out death and it being part of life, doesn’t mean having to see someone that is very ill and dying. The potential impact on the children should come before any adults wish. I found it very disturbing and it affected me for a long time.

Im surprised to hear the reactions on here !! I was at open coffin wakes as a child all the time, went to visit loads of people who were dying
I can remember spending 2 full days with my granny in the house with her coffin open in the living room - I spent time with her, we talked about her loads, etc (I was 7) I was sad but I definitely wasn’t freaked out or disturbed.

now as an adult I feel like I have a very healthy relationship with death and feel the way it was while I was growing up helped massively with that

When my grandfather was dying of cancer he wouldn't let me visit once he started to look physically ill. I was ten. He said he didn't want me to have that memory of him

I was very close to him and it really upset me at the time but as I got older I understand why he did it. It was such a selfless thing to do. He loved me too much to see me upset.

I've always said I would not want my grandchildren to see me if I was very ill

No problem at all, it's a difficult thing to navigate I know, ultimately go with your instinct, you know your DC. Wish you all the best and again my condolences to you all..

Are you Irish? If so, you have been brought up with a very different way of dealing with death to the majority

I’m not Irish but my family have a ‘tradition’ of seeing bodies in the funeral home, for a few weeks after they pass away. It’s normal and healthy I think and hasn’t scarred me. We have a bizarre denial around death in this country, acting like they vanish into a puff of smoke.

Bodies of relatives obviously 🤦🏼‍♀️

I didn't expect so many replies. For the most who were kind at what is a really difficult time I appreciate that. For those who negatively commented was really uncalled for. I said in my original post, flights are booked WE are going! I've gone out and got loads of activities today so that we can keep
Ourselves busy and the boys not be bouncing off the walls like they are usually.

They didn't get to see my grandmother before she died as it was a very sudden death.

I don't feel comfortable with the situation, she looks very unwell, is completely yellow, including her eyes. She is bed bound so it will be short visits in the room if she/kids feel up to it.

Thank you for sharing experiences of
Losing loved ones I know it's not easy xx

It sounds like your children should definitely be shown a very recent photo of grandma and be given some comforting explanations if only to stop them having bad reactions at her bedside - perish the thought. Good luck to all of you.

If you do visit, I assume you will have had age appropriate conversations with the children about the situation and what they may expect.

(I have only read all the OP posts not the entire thread, so apologies if this has been mentioned).
Children of this age are very blunt and visual.
They ask questions without any filter (or malice) that can be difficult for adults hear as we are accustomed the the PC version of this type of visit…
So as well as preparing them, you and DMIL should maybe also prepare for their entire scope of possible reactions.

If you have, one way or another, said that Grandma ‘is going to die’ - you or DMIL may be faced with questions such as
‘where will you go when you die?’
If you choose to say Heaven- ‘Where is that? How will you get there?…’
’will your body stay at home?’ Etc etc
I think you mentioned her skin/ eyes were yellow - they may well ask outright why etc.

Learning that death is part of the circle of life is not a bad thing, just a subject that we are not always good at dealing with.

Your children may of course not ask any such questions - or they may quietly think about things and bring the subject up months later.
Perhaps try and find appropriate times to talk (in a round about way) to them about the visit in the following months to make sure they have understood and do not have any hidden anxiety or misconceptions about anything.

Of course children that age can also forget things quicker than a blink…

I wish you and your DH love and a peaceful happy visit to DMIL.

My MIL passed away a few years ago and I took my two children to visit.

DD (5.5 at the time) stayed in the waiting room as she didn't want to go in. I respected that and let her stay there. At this point DD was aware that it was palliative care as she had asked when MIL would be better and I'd answered as honestly and appropriately as I could.

DS (3 at the time) went into the room and chattered away about dinosaurs as if nothing was unusual.

DD changed her mind and went into the room for a few mins before we left.

Once you are there, can you let your children lead you and decide together?