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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am being selfish but don't want to take DC to see dying MIL

103 replies

Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:10

Am I the most selfish horrible person for thinking like this?

We are flying to my husbands home country at the weekend, which could be potentially mine and DC last time seeing her. MIL has had cancer for over 4 years and now other serious health problems recently has left her in a really bad way. She is very ill. DH has recently been and stayed for 2 weeks. He will also go again when the time comes. She has an appointment that he wants to be there for and wants us and DC to come as well.

She is at home but bed bound. DC are lively 4 and 5 year olds. We lost my grandmother this year and the death really unsettled them. We will stay with them for 4 days and I just hate the thought of them seeing her so ill and naturally it's a very sad time that i personally wish they wasn't exposed to.

I know it would mean the world to her to see them and I think my DH would be incredibly sad if they/she didn't get to see them one last time. Flights are booked so we are going but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:

OriginalUsername2 · 03/10/2022 18:31

We had a cancer death in our home earlier this year, we ended up doing lots of care ourselves due to lack of services. My teenage DD had to stay in her room with headphones on. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was horrific at points.

Sh05 · 03/10/2022 18:34

You don't have to explain death to them as such.
You tell them they're going to visit grandma as she is very poorly. They can make her a card or just some scribbles on a card as they're so young.
They don't need to be sat with her all day every day, just a pop in to her room a couple of times during the day which is naturally what children of that age do anyway.
Once she passes away, if you are still there then that's the time you'll shield them from seeing her as that would be too upsetting and if you are back home you explain to them that grandma is resting now with the angels ( or what ever suits your beliefs).
It is a difficult time but at their ages I think most of it will go over their heads, you let them carry on as they normally would and only give them as little information as they will understand.

DirectionToPerfection · 03/10/2022 18:34

Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:19

Death is part of life but at 4 and 5 do they really need to be exposed to it. Like I said it's happening, we are going but I just feel uneasy about it.

They should be there, yes. How much you 'expose' them to depends on your and your DH.

They can see their grandmother and you can explain things to them in an age appropriate way.

You can't shield them from death I'm afraid. Lots of young children have to go through the loss of their grandparents.

Pineappleflowers · 03/10/2022 18:35

Would it be at all an option for you and the children to stay at a (fun waterslide) hotel nearby, to ‘let granny get some sleep without kid noise’ aka only expose them to the intensity of it all in short bursts?

It may be hard for them, and they may well have nightmares etc after she dies. Mine did after a treasured pet died. But then the next death after that was much easier for my child.

Mine will probably lose 4 grandparents and an uncle over the next decade, I console myself that I am preparing them to lose me and that children becoming accustomed to series of deaths and, crucially, observing the rituals which adults use to process and adapt to death, is giving them the tools they’ll one day use to grieve my death and then move past it. Hope that makes sense. Talk to them about the cycle of life and whatever your belief system is, at the appropriate time. Even if you have no religion, you can encourage them to marvel at the science facts eg that energy never stays in one form for long, and their bodies were once stardust, etc.

littlepeas · 03/10/2022 18:36

I would take them. My dad died when my dc were a similar age - he was very ill before his death and also bed bound (they saw him like this). I think it helped them to understand - children need to process losses too. They also went to the funeral.

dimples76 · 03/10/2022 18:37

At that age they are probably more accepting of it. My Gran died at Christmas and she lived 1/2 mile down the road from us with my Mum. We had a couple of weeks after we were told she was dying and mine and my sister's children aged then aged 2-12 all spent time by her bedside. We kept it very low key and it just felt very normal - surrounded by family as she had been in life. So for example, my daughter sat on my knee whilst I read a book to her and held my Gran's hand. It was also easier for the children to understand when she died as they had seen her fade away.

slowquickstep · 03/10/2022 18:38

You are being ridiculous. Death is a normal part of life.

Notreallyhappy · 03/10/2022 18:40

Grandma is poorly so she's in bed..don't hide real life from them. My son went to a funeral at 4 told me they did singing in the church and had tea later. He said some people were sad. It was all explained.

BLT2022 · 03/10/2022 18:45

Yabu

Dilbertian · 03/10/2022 18:45

My two eldest dc met their great-grandfather when they were similar ages to your dc. We spent several days there, visiting him most days. I found it distressing to see my dgf so thin and frail, unsure whether I was his dgd or his dd. My dc OTOH remember a gentle, quiet man, who gave them sweets and pennies, was so happy to see them and hugged them very softly. Those are the memories they retained of their dggf. Their only memories of him are happy ones. They didn't see what I saw, so they were not distressed.

Wakemeup17 · 03/10/2022 18:46

My five year old knows that everyone will die one day and she understood why I was sad when my grandma died (because I would not be able to talk to her again or give her a hug). Help the kids go through saying goodbye, they need to learn it somewhere.

Panjandrum123 · 03/10/2022 18:49

I know it will be tough on them but it’s kinder to involve them and explain that this is a sad but natural part of life.

My grandmother died when I was 16 - my memories are hazy but I’m certain my mother didn’t tell my sister or I until after the funeral. We definitely weren’t allowed to attend, I always wonder if my grandfather just thought we were rude teenagers. Maybe he wanted it that way but I doubt it. I am still cross with my mother, she didn’t get on with her mother so I feel this was a way of “punishing” her.

PCPrincipless · 03/10/2022 18:54

Hmm. I'm unsure.

I have a dying relative at the moment that I visit often. I love them very much, but I feel utterly traumatised every time I visit, and wish I could unsee the things I've seen.

The suffering I'm witnessing is absolutely devastating and I've started seeing a counsellor.

But I'll continue to go for their benefit. Im not sure a 4/5yo should see some things.

But then it depends on the physical/mental condition of the dying person.

Pixiedust1234 · 03/10/2022 19:02

It depends on what MIL wants. It depends on the children's wants. It depends on your Dhs wants.

Your wants are the only ones that shouldn't be considered imo.

Runaway1 · 03/10/2022 19:12

I agree with a pp that a video call is a good idea. It depends how she is. Exposing children to illness and death, yes that is important, but not to suffering that might be very distressing for them.

I would certainly want to stay in a hotel or somewhere separate so they can play and make noise.

Blueblell · 03/10/2022 19:18

I think you you should let her see them - prime them up in an age appropriate way - let them know she is not feeling well and is in bed ect. You don’t need to tell them she is going to die imminently.

Original poster

Jadech · 03/10/2022 20:40

Thank you for all the helpful comments and advice. I didn't put in my original post that I'm deeply upset and heartbroken at losing my MIl, for my husband losing his mother and obviously the kids grandmother. I as a grown adult don't want to have to say goodbye and see her so unwell let alone my kids see that. BUT I do understand that this is not about me and is about my MIL wishes and I know she wants to see them and that's what we will do.

Unfortunately they live very rural and they would be upset if we didn't stay with them. I will however take lots of activities for the kids and we will try to go out one day over the weekend.

OP posts:

Calphurnia88 · 04/10/2022 09:44

It's a tough one, and personally I think it depends on the physical and mental state your MIL is in. It's one thing exposing young children to death, it's another exposing them to the physicality of dying. I don't think you need to be exposed to that at 4 and 5, personally.

When my grandad was dying I would visit him regularly, up until the point his health took a major physical and mental decline. I am glad I was able to see him as much as I did, but have no regrets about not seeing him at the very end. As a child I don't think I would have been able to process that level of suffering.

Enko · 04/10/2022 09:55

Fil passed when dd1 and 2 were similar ages. They are now early twenties. Dd1 remember him sick and looking frail. She recalls the funeral but not a lot of it. She has expressed she is happy we allowed her time with her adored grandad. Has no trauma around it at all.

Dd2 who was 4 has no memories of him at all. Nor of the funeral.

In my experience allowing them to be a part of this part of life was good for them. They also saw us cry as he died and we spoke of how when we miss someone after they die sometimes we cry and that's ok.

I have no regrets in allowing them (and 18 month old ds) time with fil

Skippingthroughthepilots · 04/10/2022 10:20

Haven't read the replies so apologies if someone has already said this, but when my dad was dying a few years ago we asked the hospice doctor if we should take the children (then 4 and 6) to see him. She said that it was of course our choice but that they usually found that if young children went to see their dying relatives and saw that they were looking very ill before they died, then that often made them worry less about other loved ones dying.

It was very hard after my dad died and there was a lot to go through for everybody, but we made sure that we talked about anything that seemed to be bothering anyone - sometimes I had to take a guess and really spell things out for the kids. I feel now that it was much better for us all to face it together - the children were close to their grandfather and have learnt a lot about sadness and loss, but they're always going to experience that in life (they have after all lost him, and even though they were very young at the time it was still a big loss for them) so it is in a way good that we have started those conversations now and can all mourn our loss together. I hope you are all ok.

Mariposista · 04/10/2022 10:23

Put your own feelings aside. This is not about you.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/10/2022 10:25

I do wonder whether it's a fallacy that parents can ensure their children live happier/ more fulfilled lives by insulating them from reality .

LIZS · 04/10/2022 10:32

Take them, but can you stay nearby so your dc can visit but leave if too lively.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/10/2022 10:35

Jadech · 03/10/2022 18:19

Death is part of life but at 4 and 5 do they really need to be exposed to it. Like I said it's happening, we are going but I just feel uneasy about it.

Yes they do,how else will they learn?

TrashyPanda · 04/10/2022 11:02

At a younger age than your DC, I saw my dying DGF every day, as they lived just round the corner.

i was told he was very ill and in pain. And it was obvious he wasn’t at all well - he was bedbound, on morphine etc. I probably visited for about 5 mins a day.

when he died, I can remember my DF telling me that DGF was with God and that he wasn’t in pain any longer - and I was so happy for DGF! I couldn’t understand why everyone was crying, bcos to little me, this was the best possible thing that could happen

i do have a couple of memories of DGF and these are very precious to me.

OP - seeing their DGM may actually help them process her death. As well as giving her pleasure and comfort.

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