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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop telling me I need a GIRL

115 replies

snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 17:05

We have two beautiful, wonderful sons quite close in age.
Almost daily I have women telling me I'm missing a daughter, am I going to try for a daughter, how close mothers and daughters are etc etc all of that
I never used to get it with my first it's since we have had our second
I find it hurtful for my children who I love dearly and love love having sons, to be honest gender never mattered to me
My gender reveals were quite boring haha! I wasn't one of those who fell to the floor just a ohhh woooop haha! No matter what the gender
But it seems to be getting into my head lately
I've even considered trying for one in the future because of how I'm being made to feel ......
Obviously OP gets you lucky B ....

Anyone in the same boat or have any advice haha! Grrrrrrr

OP posts:

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 17:27

When I had my daughter, I lost track of the number of times someone said...

Aaahhh, let's hope for a son next time.

Were you disappointed?

Never mind, maybe it'll be a boy next time.

These comments were usually made by randomers.

When I next became pregnant I had lids of comments like...

Let's hope it's a boy this time.

Are you hoping for a boy?

You don't want two girls.. they'll be bitchy together.

When I had my son , I got told...

Aahhh... the perfect set(!!!)

Oh well done for getting one of each.

Even....

Thank goodness you've had a boy. So much better (🤔) than two of the same.

And this gem...

Thank God there's someone to carry on the family name!

I fully appreciate that my post doesn't quite equate to your's but I just wanted to highlight the utter batshittery that gets meted out when you're pregnant.

Like you, my husband and I wanted healthy babies. What dangled or didn't dangle between their legs was of no importance whatsoever.

That being said, I do find it foul that people assume that you might be disappointed at having two of the same sex. Some even say stupid things like ' well , better luck next time!' And yes I've heard that many times.

I have no advice , I'm sorry, other than to say " we really wanted them both."

I speak as a mum of mid/late 20s children and I'm so sad that the mindset hasn't changed .

britespark1 · 03/10/2022 17:29

I have three boys very close in age and it used to drive me batty every time someone asked if I wanted a girl. I was perfectly happy with my lot, especially as I’d been poorly with pre-eclampsia for the first two pregnancies. People really don’t think sometimes.

Enterthedragons · 03/10/2022 17:30

I have 4 girls and it’s exactly the same the other way round. ‘You’d go again if you knew it would be a boy, wouldn’t you.’

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 03/10/2022 17:31

Yep 3 boys here. The amount of people who assume I will 'try for a girl' is astounding. Even the midwife said it after I'd just delivered dc3 in hospital!! I always wanted 3 children and I'm very happy with 3 gorgeous boys. Would have been the same if they'd all been girls or a mix. People are mad.

Iknowforsure1 · 03/10/2022 17:33

I don’t know what kind of social circle you are in, but I’ve never ever encountered such a nonsense. So many tactful people

Iknowforsure1 · 03/10/2022 17:33

Tactless sorry lol

8misskitty8 · 03/10/2022 17:34

I had similar with 2 girls.
Will you try again for a boy ? He needs a son. Your depriving him of a son by not having another one to get a boy. Who is he going to take to the football/golf/sport.

Ignorant and nosy gits.

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/10/2022 17:34

I have a 3yo girl and 13 weeks pregnant with DC2, MIL is CONVINCED it’s a boy to the extent she’s bought a blue teddy for the baby and calls it ‘him’ in texts etc. She keeps dropping comments like ‘wouldn’t it be nice if it was a boy? You’ve already got a girl, would you like a boy?’ Etc etc

I just laugh. I think part of it is when you have something they don’t - she had 2 boys, no girls. So I think she wants to see her kids reflected in mine of that makes sense? Are the people making comments girl mums?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 17:35

Like I said @Mymoneydontjigglejiggle
You want a healthy baby. You get what you're given.
For a midwife to say what she did , to you, is absolutely astonishing, in this day and age!

GiselleRose · 03/10/2022 17:36

I have sons (teens now) and when they were young and after a few years of this nonsense I decided that if folk were really going to be that nosy then I’d tell them the truth which is that I miscarried once before ds1 and again before ds2. I am therefore extremely fortunate to have my wonderful, handsome sons. They both have lovely girlfriends now so my house is full of boys and girls. And my boys come shopping with me. They do all kinds of things with me. I have never felt that I’ve missed out on something. I think people just say this stuff for something to say.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2022 17:36

If you have two the same sex people can’t believe you aren’t trying for the other. I have two girls and get that question:
don’t want to try for the boy?
nope !

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 03/10/2022 17:38

DSs are 18 and 15 and I still get the comments. Usually followed with "oh well. You're still young enough to have more"

I'm also single and have PCOS. Last relationship we tried for 2 years and nothing.

TBH I'd just be happy with sex at the moment. A baby, male or female, would be a bonus!

Mlexapet · 03/10/2022 17:40

I have 2 boys quite close in age too. No one has ever mentioned to me that I should try for a girl but if they did, I would quite happily discuss in detail the heartbreak we've been through having a stillborn girl and a stillborn boy and make people like this realise how absolutely unimportant gender is.

Forfukzsake · 03/10/2022 17:43

People just think you want to talk about your pregnancy and can't think of anything to say so they say something about the sex to make small talk. People should think before they speak but nobody cares whether it is a boy or a girl.

JolieJ · 03/10/2022 17:43

Everyday? Really? I have 2 boys and I've had that comment but only once in a blue moon and I'm a very social person. How unlucky that you know so many rude people

Maray1967 · 03/10/2022 17:49

GiselleRose · 03/10/2022 17:36

Sadly some of them really believe it. I get told repeatedly that I’ll miss not having a daughter as this person says she does frequently. The person telling me this is a generation older . This person knows about my failed ivfs and several mcs - and still says it.

For me it is doubly hurtful because my mother died when I was scarcely an adult so these comments are in effect telling me that I won’t have a mother-daughter relationship as I have sons - when I didn’t really have one with my own mother either. The person telling me this knows this - and still says it.

Simonjt · 03/10/2022 17:51

We have on of each, they’re also adopted. We fairly regularly get people who know they are adopted either ask if we said we would only have a girl the second time around, or congratulate us on being clever enough to make sure we had one of each. Scarily our daughters social worker praised our good planning to make sure we had one of each as we wouldn’t have wanted to have wasted our time on another boy…
I give zero shits as to whether I’m the parent of sons, daughters or one of each, it literally makes zero difference.

The people saying mothers and daughters are closer, are actually saying their sexist and don’t expect their sons to maintain a relationship with their parents and so choose to raise him to not bother.

Ohdearwhatabother · 03/10/2022 17:51

I have 5 boys, only two lived through labour.

Everytime someone says to me "don't you want a girl?" I say "a healthy baby is all that matters to me." And then I respect them less as a person.

Topseyt123 · 03/10/2022 17:52

I have three daughters, all now in their twenties. Yes, I can confirm to you that this bullshit happens the other way around too.

I took to tackling them directly and watching them squirm. When pregnant with DD3, and having just found out that it was a girl, I got told "Oh no! What a shame!" by one of the ladies at our local mother and toddler group (I'd taken DD2 there). I replied quite loudly: "Oh really! Why is it a shame? Surely it would only be a shame if it wasn't a healthy baby!!" She stuttered, went bright red and looked as though she wanted the ground to open and swallow her.

People are just stupid.

SallyWD · 03/10/2022 17:52

It's so annoying. I'm sure mothers of girls do get comments about hoping for a boy but I bet it's less frequently. Everyone seems to think girls are preferable in our society (I know it's different in other cultures). It makes me sad - my son is an absolute joy.

IcedPurple · 03/10/2022 17:54

I remember when Coleen Rooney had son number 4 there were so many comments along the lines of 'Oh she must be so disappointed!' What an awful thing to say when someone has just had a healthy, much wanted baby.

Clockwatching54321 · 03/10/2022 17:55

I have it the other way, I have a boy and girl and get comments like you don’t need to try for another as you have one of each….while being heavily pregnant. People are confused why we would want another.

lola006 · 03/10/2022 17:57

I was pregnant with DS2 when someone asked if I knew the sex, so I said yes it was a boy (DS1 was in his pram) and the reply was “oh….maybe next time then.” Ugh. We did have a girl, our third and final child, and we’re still to this day asked if we would have kept trying, is 2 boys why we had a third, etc.

WorrieaboutFIL · 03/10/2022 17:58

Why are people so horrid? I get similar for having one child.

VirginiaQ · 03/10/2022 17:59

I have 2 boys. When I went back to work someone expressed commiserations that my second was a boy and followed up with,'And it's not even as if you can now try for a girl at your age'!!! (I was 39 so not totally ancient)

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