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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop telling me I need a GIRL

115 replies

snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 17:05

We have two beautiful, wonderful sons quite close in age.
Almost daily I have women telling me I'm missing a daughter, am I going to try for a daughter, how close mothers and daughters are etc etc all of that
I never used to get it with my first it's since we have had our second
I find it hurtful for my children who I love dearly and love love having sons, to be honest gender never mattered to me
My gender reveals were quite boring haha! I wasn't one of those who fell to the floor just a ohhh woooop haha! No matter what the gender
But it seems to be getting into my head lately
I've even considered trying for one in the future because of how I'm being made to feel ......
Obviously OP gets you lucky B .... Blush

Anyone in the same boat or have any advice haha! Grrrrrrr

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 03/10/2022 17:59

Tell them to fuck off

MyHusbandTheIdiot · 03/10/2022 18:02

Absolutely agree with previous posters - this has little to do with the sex of your children and infinitely more to do with apparently being surrounded by twats…

I have two of the same. Doesn’t even really matter which. My husband has had the odd person ask if he’d like one of the other, I’ve had barely a soul. I would just shut them with a quizzical raised eyebrow and move on. Certainly don’t let it get in your head.

Extratoebeans · 03/10/2022 18:06

I have 5 daughters and I have had these comments about having a boy from my 2nd pregnancy. Each pregnancy had these comments on a constant basis from people I didnt know, some that I did. They made me feel so down, like my daughters weren't enough.

People still make comments now when they ask how many children I have. Always saying "you were obviously trying for a boy".

firefly1418 · 03/10/2022 18:07

Someone will always have something to say. I have one of each and now I get told I should be done. Doesn’t matter what you have some random person will always have something to say. You’re better off ignoring it. Also my SIL is pregnant with her third girl (and very happy ) but still there’s no guarantee you’d get a girl next time either.

Pinkandgreentrousers · 03/10/2022 18:09

When I had my 3rd beautiful boy (I never found out what they were before birth) who is 16 now, I can still remember being upset when people commented that it was a shame he wasn't a girl

Wishyfishy · 03/10/2022 18:11

I have one of each. It upset me so much when people said how happy they were for me when I was pregnant with DD that I was getting “my girl” etc. As if DS was half as good or something. People are so weird about it.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/10/2022 18:12

3 girls - especially with number 3 - lots of 'head tilt' awww where you trying for a boy? comments from random people - including check out staff!

No we knew that, statistically, it would be a girl and DH never 'missed out on taking them to the football' either - the elder two are both footy mad and play!

I feel your pain!

Holly60 · 03/10/2022 18:15

It's so bizarre. I have one of each, now adults and they are just their own people. Equally loving, fun, crazy, grumpy, adored and hard work.

They grow up to be individuals. There are some things I do with my daughter because she enjoys doing them, and there are some things I do with my son because he likes doing them. I just do whatever they enjoy because for me it's about spending time with my child, not a woman or a man.

Fwiw I do go to a spa occasionally with my daughter because she suggests it. But if she never suggested it I'd quite happily not do that with her and do something else. If instead she was really into football I'd do that with her instead.

Likewise I go for a meal with my son because that's what he likes doing.

I can go to spas and restaurants on my own, with my partner or with friends - I don't NEED a child to specifically do those things with. I just need my children - their gender is irrelevant.

Enjoy your boys - they will be a total joy.

My MIL had two boys and she was without doubt grandma number 1 with one set of grandchildren and was totally adored by mine (and me) even though we lived a bit further away.

We lived about 2.30 hrs away but made the effort to see them every month because they were so lovely. Best in-laws ever

WonderingWanda · 03/10/2022 18:18

A friend told me 'you must have a girl next time' when I had my son. I cried and felt so upset that she didn't think my new baby boy was special. He is now nearly 13 and I love him to bits. I did go on to have a daughter as well and also love her to bits but having one of each isn't all it's cracked up to be. The aren't into the same things and squabble quite a bit. Children are a huge privilege (and bloody hard work) whatever sex they are.

No tips on how to deal with those people.

Reaadropofgoldensun · 03/10/2022 18:25

I think people like to comment, if you have 2 boys you have to go for the girl. If you have 3 boys, they think they must have tried for a girl and 'failed' and this goes if you have girls as well. If you have a boy and a girl, you have the perfect family. The same people will look horrified if you decide to go for a third after having the perfect family. And heaven forbid if you only have one or decide not to have kids. People general like to pass comment on stuff that's none of their business. When people commented on me with 'ah you have to go' again, I would generally say ' ah I don't ' and just left it at that.

GiselleRose · 03/10/2022 18:28

Maray1967 · 03/10/2022 17:49

Sadly some of them really believe it. I get told repeatedly that I’ll miss not having a daughter as this person says she does frequently. The person telling me this is a generation older . This person knows about my failed ivfs and several mcs - and still says it.

For me it is doubly hurtful because my mother died when I was scarcely an adult so these comments are in effect telling me that I won’t have a mother-daughter relationship as I have sons - when I didn’t really have one with my own mother either. The person telling me this knows this - and still says it.

Show quote history

I think I would point out to this person that just because they feel this way doesn’t mean that you do. Which I suppose is a reason some people make this kind of comment; it’s about them, not you.

Tiani4 · 03/10/2022 18:29

I had one boy them two girls

Tbh I would have been happy with any mix or just boys or just girls. One of my most girlie friends has two boys and they are designer outfitted boys 😂 who their mum adores (ofc!!)

You get what you get and you adore the sons or daughters you get!

I wish people wouldn't comment negatively as I don't know anyone that has "just boys" or "just girls" who would swop the children they have!!My second daughter was an absolute "Tommy boy" (her words not mine) aa she just wanted to be like her older brother, all until she hit 17 so frankly you might not get a girlie girl anyway!! 🤣 even if they are of female sex.

I don't believe in all these stereotypes where you gotta be overly masculine or overly feminine- as each child boy or girl has their own comfortable way of being who they are (besides I'm not a stereotypical overly feminine woman as I hate shopping and high heels!)

OrlaCarmichael · 03/10/2022 18:31

My story is slightly different. I had one of each and DH’s aunt was totally miffed because she thought I’d have a second girl because that was the pattern - both her brothers had 2 the same and her other nephew had 2 boys.

I always think of the older children when parents ‘keep trying’ for a girl or boy. Mine definitely had a third to get a boy, and an aunt and uncle had a fourth, pretty late on for those times, to get a girl.

I was very aware in both cases, even though my brother and young cousin were much loved by their siblings

Paintonthesmile · 03/10/2022 18:31

I had a complete stranger tell me I'll be lonely when I'm older as I have 2 boys!

Original poster
snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 18:34

Thank you everyone for your reply! It does seem it is still a thing and it's so unnecessary.
It's driving me crazy, I had it from someone today and it's got to the point I'm actually laughing because if not I'll cry Angry
I came home and said to my partner 'we've been told again we NEED to have a girl' haha
I actually started to think am I missing something here I don't get it?!
I wouldn't dream of saying it to someone, it honestly breaks my heart for the children never mind being upset about it myself.
They're my absolute world ...

I think I get it so much because my youngest DS is 11 months so we are usually speaking about him x

OP posts:
WatchingTheCloudsRollAway · 03/10/2022 18:34

People are weird.

I had a boy first. When I was pregnant with DC2 I lost count of the number of people who said "Bet you hope it's a girl!", etc. They often seemed puzzled when I said I didn't mind either way.

I really didn't give two hoots and also felt slightly insulted for my lovely DS to be honest.

barneymcgroo · 03/10/2022 18:35

I've got 2 boys, currently pregnant with my third. No idea what it is, but I do have a lot of people asking what I'm having/what I'd like. My line is that I know I make beautiful boys (well, mostly...) - I honestly don't mind. I have some cousins that are three boys, and they are some of the loveliest humans I've ever met, so if I could bring up three boys to be half that delightful, I'd be doing very well indeed!

tillytoodles1 · 03/10/2022 18:37

My sisters friend has six daughters, but kept on trying for a boy. Works both ways.

dottydoglover · 03/10/2022 18:39

I find it really annoying and experienced he exact same thing. My sons are 28 and 25 now and we have a good relationship and I'm very proud of them. When I was pregnant my Mother in Law said I will love whatever you have but if you have a girl it will be extra special as she has two sons as well. Even my own mother was a bit disappointed when I had another boy. People can be very tactless at times. Just be grateful for what you are blessed with it my motto!

PlatinumBrunette · 03/10/2022 18:49

When my DD was a couple of hours old, FIL said, “oh, you have to try again for a boy ASAP”
When I asked why, “For the family name, of course”. What a strange reasoning.

Original poster
snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 18:51

And yes the comments are girl mums some have a mix, some I know well & some I don't know so to me it just seems like everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 18:54

A supermarket worked said to me when we were all out together ' ALL boys in your house apart from you, I wouldn't like that! You're outnumbered. I've got all girls and that's how I like it'
To say I was gobsmqcked is an understatement
She then went onto say they're handsome like their daddy!

She was very young maybe 18/20 so I shrugged that one off but it will stay with me!
Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
snowbellsxox · 03/10/2022 18:54

Flowers to you all who have had bad experiences and losses. Xxxx

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 03/10/2022 18:56

I have two boys (young adults now) and no one has ever brought up the subject of me wanting or needing girls. Mind you our family has been girl heavy for decades so I don’t think anyone felt we needed more 😁

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 19:06

This is very common. I have 2 sons, and 1 daughter in that order so I got it a lot. I must admit I did want a DD 2nd time around but I was perfectly happy with a 2nd son. But then I became obsessed with wanting a DD. That’s how I found BC as I joined the boy/girl group on here and we all had these very detailed sway plans! I’m still friends now with some lovely ladies I met. Some had their desired genders, others didn’t. One thing I did realise though is that for some people it goes much deeper than just a preference and can really take over their entire life.

I do feel fortunate every day I’ve been able to experience both genders. My eldest DS is 29, and we are super close. DS2 is only 18 and is a typical 18yr old so not sure how close we will be in the future, and my DD is fairly quiet and reserved so who knows, maybe we won’t be as close as people think and I’ll be closer to my boys as adults. No-one knows really.