Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be irked with friend's CF attitude and that she takes advantage.

75 replies

pfs · 03/10/2022 11:00

Close friend goes to dinner with a male friend sometimes. It's not romantic, they are in the same job but she told me ''he always pays.'' This pisses me off as I think that if somebody pays once you pay the next time and if they pay anyway you just insist by throwing them the money anyway.

So example me and other friend went on long drive to coast yesterday in her car and she paid parking. I gave her 15 quid after although she tried to insist no. I just left it on her dashboard.

But friend doesn't seem to do this and allows people to pay for her and it irks me. Another time she met a man on a dating app and said she'd no interest in him but he paid for her and her son to go to a show costing significant money even though she'd no notion of dating him.

Other things is she has a man after her and they went away on a weekend together,he's mad for her but she says she has no interest in him or in sex but never lets him know this and refuses any sexual intimacy with him. I think she's leading him on and wasting his time.

Friend is 47 btw but aibu to think she takes advantage in ways?

OP posts:

Original poster

pfs · 03/10/2022 14:10

Men aren't helpless victims. They can easily say they don't want to see her anymore. They aren't owed a relationship or sex because they spend money on her. She isn't forcing them to spend the money on her

ok then the next cocklodger thread that comes up tell that to the female at the receiving end and see how it goes down...

OP posts:

Grandeur · 03/10/2022 14:12

Don't know why you're still going on and on when you've been told you're being unreasonable for 3 pages 😂

Underanothersky · 03/10/2022 14:12

Why do you care? Are you in love with her?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 14:12

pfs · 03/10/2022 14:10

ok then the next cocklodger thread that comes up tell that to the female at the receiving end and see how it goes down...

Why do you keep changing scenarios that are completely different? What's wrong with you?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 03/10/2022 14:13

pfs · 03/10/2022 14:02

neither of those things apply to the situation you're talking about on any level

yes they do because you are acting as if going away 1 on 1 for a weekend with somebody of the opposite gender where 1 is attracted to the other is normal like mates going.

You can do your whataboutary all you like, but single peers going away for a weekend as friends, even if one of them has feelings is 100% normal.

I've gone from thinking you dislike this woman to thinking you absolutely hate her due to the jealousy that's shining through every post now.

Maybe you should work on raising your own confidence rather than bringing this woman down.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/10/2022 14:14

I gave her 15 quid after although she tried to insist no. I just left it on her dashboard

I overrode her request and gave her money anyway, even after she expressly said it wasn't necessary"

In fact, you didn't even give her money. You left it on the dashboard like a weirdo.

You seem to think this makes you morally superior, but it just makes you seem a bit rigid and inflexible and prone to B&W thinking, as well as willing to put your preferences about how you are perceived ahead of someone else's actual, stated wishes.

Perhaps these men...just left a weekend away on the dashboard so she HAD to accept it?

shipwreckedonhighseas · 03/10/2022 14:14

Well, you're spending time with her when you don't like her. Hard to see the motivation. Men are spending time with her for unknown reasons too but presumably she's fun enough to be around or you and these men would choose to spend your time elsewhere.

Women do not need to pay for men's hospitality with sexual favours. Their company is more than sufficient.

Rosehugger · 03/10/2022 14:18

YABU, nothing to do with you. And if you offer to pay but the other person insists, it is bad manners to keep going on about paying your way.

VikingLady · 03/10/2022 14:21

Many men have told me they fancy most of their female friends to an extent. So are we as women allowed to go anywhere with them? Or should I turn down a weekend with a friend because he fancies women? Am I only allowed to go away for a weekend with a gay make friends? Do I need to quiz them to ensure they find me repulsive first? Do I ask you to vet them? Or do I assume an adult male can decide for himself that he'd still like a weekend away with a good friend who he ALSO happens to fancy? Ffs. He's an adult. If she's not slept with him yet he definitely knows she's not going to!

And some people LIKE paying, particularly some men. Not all, but some. If he likes it then so what?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 14:28

I agree with you pfs, yeah it's not really any of your business however I'd think less of a person who is a taker like that. I hate that attitude as well that men have to pay for women all the time

ichimedin · 03/10/2022 14:35

the jealousy is oozing out of you. not a good look

MsVestibule · 03/10/2022 14:37

ok then the next cocklodger thread that comes up tell that to the female at the receiving end and see how it goes down...

I don't think her behaviour is great, but honestly, you're being ridiculous. There's a massive difference between somebody taking advantage by allowing them to pay for the odd dinner/weekend away and somebody living with somebody where they contribute nothing financially or domestically. In the former scenario, they can just stop paying, whereas in the latter, it's normally a massive life upheaval to change things.

Original poster

pfs · 03/10/2022 14:39

the jealousy is oozing out of you. not a good look

i'm a lesbian, she is going out with men 20 years my senior, where is the jealously?> I'm calling out her taker mentality.

OP posts:

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 14:40

Yeah she's a cheeky fucker but why are you inviting the internet to slag her off when she's supposed to be your 'friend'?

steff13 · 03/10/2022 14:42

pfs · 03/10/2022 13:59

Why on earth would anyone normal throw money down when someone has insisted they'll pay?! That's just being a martyr

no it's being fair because they paid the last time. And it creates no imbalance or resentment in the friendship. How many times on mn have we seen threads were 1 person always pays andf the cf sits back and allows them and it breeds resentment?

To be fair, no one is going to start a thread about always paying for a friend if it doesn't bother them.

Rosehugger · 03/10/2022 14:42

She doesn't sound like a CF from your description - not accepting money for parking/fuel. Sounds like she is generous and finds that others are generous with her.

steff13 · 03/10/2022 14:44

If you don't like her behavior, you don't have to be friends with her. Similarly, if the men get tired of paying her way or feel used, they also don't have to be involved with her.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 14:55

ichimedin · 03/10/2022 14:35

the jealousy is oozing out of you. not a good look

what a childish comment ffs

nowornevers · 03/10/2022 14:58

I don't think she's a CF at all. I'm overly generous so I wouldn't do what she does but I do know people like her. The thing is, people don't have to pay for her.

LeChat0 · 03/10/2022 15:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

tigger1001 · 03/10/2022 18:05

I honestly don't get why you care. It doesn't impact you. And there is nothing you can do about it.

If you don't like her, you are under no obligations to remain friends. If what she is doing bothers you this much it might be best to step back from the friendship.

drpet49 · 03/10/2022 18:08

clowerina · 03/10/2022 12:00

I agree with you OP, that behaviour doesn't sit well with me, even in these instances although it's not really your business, but that said I couldn't be friends with someone with these kinda values. I guess that you're two very different people and unless you can accept it there's not really a future for your friendship.

Yep, this

FrozenGhost · 03/10/2022 18:25

Why are you so worried about these "poor men"? They can spend their money how they like, if they want to treat a friend so be it. Do you think these men are spending their time worrying about you? (Hint - they aren't).

cutthelawn · 03/10/2022 21:50

I don't understand why the op is getting such a hard time or all the people saying it's none of your business. Many threads on aibu have nothing to do with the op but are usually about a friend's husband/partner and the man get roasted and op gets supported. Why does nobody say it's none of your business then?

The op was calling out her friend's behaviour about her friend taking advantage of men. I do agree that if this thread was about a male friend getting women to pay for meals he'd be slated even if it didn't affect the op.

ddl1 · 03/10/2022 22:06

Maybe the bloke has old-fashioned ideas and wants to pay. Maybe he's much richer than your friend. Even if not, it's not really your business. And frankly, I'd be a bit annoyed if someone tossed money at me after I'd said no.

Flip

1 2 3