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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked with friend's CF attitude and that she takes advantage.

75 replies

pfs · 03/10/2022 11:00

Close friend goes to dinner with a male friend sometimes. It's not romantic, they are in the same job but she told me ''he always pays.'' This pisses me off as I think that if somebody pays once you pay the next time and if they pay anyway you just insist by throwing them the money anyway.

So example me and other friend went on long drive to coast yesterday in her car and she paid parking. I gave her 15 quid after although she tried to insist no. I just left it on her dashboard.

But friend doesn't seem to do this and allows people to pay for her and it irks me. Another time she met a man on a dating app and said she'd no interest in him but he paid for her and her son to go to a show costing significant money even though she'd no notion of dating him.

Other things is she has a man after her and they went away on a weekend together,he's mad for her but she says she has no interest in him or in sex but never lets him know this and refuses any sexual intimacy with him. I think she's leading him on and wasting his time.

Friend is 47 btw but aibu to think she takes advantage in ways?

OP posts:
Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:15

If he fancies her, and she has had no romantic interest in him at all, then it's his fault for placing expectations on, what is clearly, a friendship

she never outlined that to him and knows he is interested so strongly disagree. Again if this was reverse gender your view would be different.

OP posts:
1000yellowdaisies · 03/10/2022 13:20

I agree with you op i think its really off putting behaviour and i wouldn't like to see that in a friend.
Everybody on here saying its not your business... why on earth isnt it? Why is the default position 'its not your business'. You have a friend who's displaying questionable morals, of course you can judge her and tell her you don't like it. By the logic of some of the pps on here, nothing any of our friends do is our business but who you choose to associate with is a reflection on you and you wouldn't be friends with someone who boasted about being a thief would you.

coffeeandpoetry · 03/10/2022 13:20

pfs · 03/10/2022 13:15

If he fancies her, and she has had no romantic interest in him at all, then it's his fault for placing expectations on, what is clearly, a friendship

she never outlined that to him and knows he is interested so strongly disagree. Again if this was reverse gender your view would be different.

Again if this was reverse gender your view would be different.
No. Societal expectations say its men who have to do the chasing and this frequently involves money - dates, gifts, flowers, etc.
No woman is obligated to shag every man who takes her out on a date or buys her flowers.
Again, this is reeking of jealousy. Do men not buy you nice things, pfs?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 03/10/2022 13:22

pfs · 03/10/2022 13:15

If he fancies her, and she has had no romantic interest in him at all, then it's his fault for placing expectations on, what is clearly, a friendship

she never outlined that to him and knows he is interested so strongly disagree. Again if this was reverse gender your view would be different.

It wouldn't. If one person has feelings, and the other shows no interest besides friendship, the its completely on the other person, male or female.

She doesn't need to outline anything to him, she is making it clear by not being in a relationship with him or showing any romantic feelings towards him.

GreyTS · 03/10/2022 13:24

going away with a man you know who likes you for the weekend when you have no interest in him is very much tricking someone I think, it's inappropriate. If the feeling isn't requited/mutual then I wouldn't go.

This is the crux of it though, YOU wouldn't go, she's different and we aren't all obliged to live by your particular rules and regulations. Your moral boundaries aren't hers and quite frankly unless she's doing something suspect or illegal it's none of your business and rather smacks of jealousy. Would you maybe like this level of attention from men??

JackieDaws · 03/10/2022 13:31

So it'd be fine if she was having reluctant and unwanted sex with these men?

phoenixrosehere · 03/10/2022 13:42

1000yellowdaisies · 03/10/2022 13:20

I agree with you op i think its really off putting behaviour and i wouldn't like to see that in a friend.
Everybody on here saying its not your business... why on earth isnt it? Why is the default position 'its not your business'. You have a friend who's displaying questionable morals, of course you can judge her and tell her you don't like it. By the logic of some of the pps on here, nothing any of our friends do is our business but who you choose to associate with is a reflection on you and you wouldn't be friends with someone who boasted about being a thief would you.

Simple, because these are two consenting adults involved and both are choosing to do things of their own accord. None of it has anything to do with OP whatsoever however she can judge the behaviour and choose not to be friends with this person if she dislikes it so much.

Nothing is stopping her from ending the friendship since their morals don’t align, yet she hasn’t.

If by your logic, it should be OP’s business because friends are a reflection of her, shouldn’t it also mean that her remaining friends with this person is poor judgment on her part because she knows these things about this “friend” yet it isn’t enough to her to leave the friendship?

Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:44

Again, this is reeking of jealousy. Do men not buy you nice things, pfs

I am a lesbian.

OP posts:
Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:47

Societal expectations say its men who have to do the chasing and this frequently involves money - dates, gifts, flowers, etc

And so societal expectations are fine when it's for men and not ones women have to live by?

OP posts:
Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:50

*It wouldn't. If one person has feelings, and the other shows no interest besides friendship, the its completely on the other person, male or female.

She doesn't need to outline anything to him, she is making it clear by not being in a relationship with him or showing any romantic feelings towards him*

ok so would you be ok with your 18 yo daughter going away with a 60 year old man for the weekend together? Him thinking there's something there and her thinking it is just a friendship?

Or would you be ok with your husband doing it in the same situation with another woman?

OP posts:
Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:51

So it'd be fine if she was having reluctant and unwanted sex with these men

That's not what I'm saying, I'm saying its wrong to go away with a man 1 on 1 if you know he likes you but you have no romantic interest.

OP posts:
DoodlePug · 03/10/2022 13:52

YABU
I agree with your philosophy but it's really none of your business. I'd be amused rather than annoyed.

Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:54

I'd be amused rather than annoyed

but if it was reverse gender you'd be annoyed and disgusted calling it abuse/misgyony etc. Horrified of the responses and attitudes on here .

OP posts:
gold22 · 03/10/2022 13:56

Are you still friends with her? Because if you think badly enough of her to post on Mumsnet you probably need to rethink the friendship!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 13:56

This pisses me off as I think that if somebody pays once you pay the next time and if they pay anyway you just insist by throwing them the money anyway.

Why on earth would anyone normal throw money down when someone has insisted they'll pay?! That's just being a martyr.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 03/10/2022 13:57

pfs · 03/10/2022 13:50

*It wouldn't. If one person has feelings, and the other shows no interest besides friendship, the its completely on the other person, male or female.

She doesn't need to outline anything to him, she is making it clear by not being in a relationship with him or showing any romantic feelings towards him*

ok so would you be ok with your 18 yo daughter going away with a 60 year old man for the weekend together? Him thinking there's something there and her thinking it is just a friendship?

Or would you be ok with your husband doing it in the same situation with another woman?

🙄 neither of those things apply to the situation you're talking about on any level.

You're very determined to be proved right with your "what if the sexes were reversed" and "what if this totally incomparable other situation happened" so I'm not sure why you even bothered asking tbh.

Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 13:59

Why on earth would anyone normal throw money down when someone has insisted they'll pay?! That's just being a martyr

no it's being fair because they paid the last time. And it creates no imbalance or resentment in the friendship. How many times on mn have we seen threads were 1 person always pays andf the cf sits back and allows them and it breeds resentment?

OP posts:
Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 14:02

neither of those things apply to the situation you're talking about on any level

yes they do because you are acting as if going away 1 on 1 for a weekend with somebody of the opposite gender where 1 is attracted to the other is normal like mates going.

OP posts:
Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/10/2022 14:03

Why do you care?

Its none of your business at all.

Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 14:05

Its none of your business at all

because i think she's taking advantage of the men but I forgot that on mn men are the enemy and women are all helpless victims.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 14:06

pfs · 03/10/2022 13:59

Why on earth would anyone normal throw money down when someone has insisted they'll pay?! That's just being a martyr

no it's being fair because they paid the last time. And it creates no imbalance or resentment in the friendship. How many times on mn have we seen threads were 1 person always pays andf the cf sits back and allows them and it breeds resentment?

That's a different scenario to someone insisting they'll pay all the time. It's clearly not creating resentment as they keep going out for dinner.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/10/2022 14:06

YellowTreeHouse · 03/10/2022 11:13

YABU. The man should pay.

She isn’t forcing anyone to pay for her.

Why should the man pay?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 14:08

pfs · 03/10/2022 14:05

Its none of your business at all

because i think she's taking advantage of the men but I forgot that on mn men are the enemy and women are all helpless victims.

Men aren't helpless victims. They can easily say they don't want to see her anymore. They aren't owed a relationship or sex because they spend money on her. She isn't forcing them to spend the money on her.

Original poster
pfs · 03/10/2022 14:09

That's a different scenario to someone insisting they'll pay all the time. It's clearly not creating resentment as they keep going out for dinner

she says he pays for the dinners but she never says insisted. The fact that she allows him to just sits wrong with me.She's on a good salary too.

OP posts:
Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 03/10/2022 14:09

This would put me off a friend as it would make me question their morals. But otherwise it's really none of your business, and these men can choose to pay or not pay for her as they see fit.