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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner upset about how much I speak to my best friend

130 replies

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:21

I'm a 30 year old women, been with my partner 8 years, have two children. I am a self employed cleaner.

Tonight I was out to dinner with my partner and I'd said that I'd started getting a sore neck from holding my phone between my shoulder and ear whilst working and he asked speaking to who, I said Gemma (my best friend) and he asked, 'do you and Gemma spend hours on the phone?' I kind of laughed and said, 'well not everyday'. He is now saying it's not normal and needs to stop so thought I'd come here and ask your opinions.

I am very close with Gemma, she is my best friend, we call each other in the morning around 8 am and speak for about 45 minutes. Then we drop the kids at school and phone each other after that. If I am in someone's house cleaning and the owners aren't in then I will stay on the phone talking, this is usually for over an hour at least. If the owners are in then I will phone her in between cleans. I phone her after work but we don't speak in the evening as she knows I spend time with my family.

During the weekend we will speak periodically but never for hours on end like during the week as once again, I'm busy with my family.

She is at uni and only in 2 days so she is free to chat quite a lot, I can chat whilst getting on with work. It doesn't prevent us from doing anything, sometimes on the phone we are just chatting utter shite and sometimes we don't really say much. I just feel so comfortable with her that I can be on the phone for hours and time flies by.

Partner finds it very strange though. If I had a 9-5 job then obviously this wouldn't be possible but AIBU to say that if it's not getting in the way of work/any else then there's no harm?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 08:52

get some wireless headphones so you don’t need to hold the phone, it’s a game changer!

Bobbins36 · 03/10/2022 08:53

Youaremysunshine14 · 02/10/2022 21:30

So you’re both ignoring your kids every morning in preference of gassing on the phone? That must be nice for them.

Show quote history

This. Give your kids the time they deserve and talk to them while they are with you. Sounds like you have ample time to speak to your mate when they aren’t around. But it’s not down to your partner to tell you that. Frankly you should know yourself.

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 08:53

Youaremysunshine14 · 02/10/2022 21:41

Being on the phone every morning to a friend rather than giving your attention to your kids must give them the message that she’s more your priority than they are. How sad.

Show quote history

So if your kids needed you, they'd only get this help in between calls? They say they need you and the first thing they'll hear is you telling Gemma 'I'll call you back' like they sound as if they're inconveniencing you!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 08:56

You sound really self absorbed, your poor kids and the kids of your friend.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 08:58

And if I found out my cleaner was spending her whole time on the phone when she was supposed to be working, she would no longer be my cleaner, how can you think this is ok?

Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2022 09:21

This sounds more like an emotional affair rather than a friendship. It’s so excessive.

Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2022 09:24

If it isn’t an emotional affair, then you’ll have no problem speaking to her less and interacting with your family more. Do you even speak that much with your own children or DH?

RedAppleGirl · 03/10/2022 09:33

Not so sure about the time. However, talking whilst cleaning is a no-no.

Bobbins36 · 03/10/2022 09:56

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 08:58

And if I found out my cleaner was spending her whole time on the phone when she was supposed to be working, she would no longer be my cleaner, how can you think this is ok?

100% why wouldn’t you spend the whole time on the phone if your employer was there? Because you know it would be unacceptable. But you’ll take the piss on her time and money when she can’t see you. Shit behaviour.

Smellyoldowls22 · 03/10/2022 10:57

I don't get people who insist DP/DH should be the one and only emotionally fulfilling relationship in your life.
You've presumably known Gemma longer than your DP and love her dearly. Why should that change just because you're in a relationship? Your relationship with her is just as important and longer lasting.
I think it's lovely you have such a close friend. Really special. Not everyone is so lucky. But get a hands free set.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/10/2022 11:00

How are you “interacting” with your children whilst talking to someone else?
you should cut that call out at least.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/10/2022 11:07

Smellyoldowls22 · 03/10/2022 10:57

I don't get people who insist DP/DH should be the one and only emotionally fulfilling relationship in your life.
You've presumably known Gemma longer than your DP and love her dearly. Why should that change just because you're in a relationship? Your relationship with her is just as important and longer lasting.
I think it's lovely you have such a close friend. Really special. Not everyone is so lucky. But get a hands free set.

No one has said that, she might have known Gemma longer but that does not mean she should be ignoring her kids for 45 mins before school to chinwag.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 11:10

DP needs to wind his neck in. And you need to save your neck by buying some ear buds. You can get decent ones for £30.

LindaEllen · 03/10/2022 11:19

I have a friend who used to be a truck driver. I work from home in a monotonous job (always have WFH years before covid) so we would be on the phone together for hours at a time while he was driving and I was working. Some days we would be on the phone for 6 hours. We'd talk about EVERYTHING. Nothing untoward between us ever, just random chit chat and laughs. He moved to the office due to an injury meaning he can't drive so we can't chat as much now, but I do miss it. I was home alone at the time and he was obviously alone in his truck - I would never spend that much time talking to someone (anyone!) if there were other people deserving of my attention at home.

One thing I would recommend is getting some headphones!! No need to hold your phone in such an unsuitable position.

Everytime12 · 03/10/2022 11:22

Yeah - don't know why you just don't use headphones to talk to her tbh!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/10/2022 11:24

Are they his children too? Where is he in the mornings?

I honestly cannot imagine how effective your cleaning is if you are wedging a phone between ear and shoulder for it. No way are you able to work efficiently doing that. An ear bud would solve this (as above suggestions)

OhmygodDont · 03/10/2022 11:28

It does seem excessive to be on the phone pretty much all day to the same person every day of the week pretty much.

Also your ignoring your kids in favour of chatting to someone your going to spend all day chatting too.

can’t be cleaning very well either with your head constantly crooked either. Get some headphones at least.

CatsandFish · 03/10/2022 11:29

I feel so sorry for your children. Mornings should be a time you spend with them. Go over their reader with them, chat with them. Even while at the breakfast table. You might say they are 'fine' eating breakfast and doing their own thing, but would they admit otherwise to you? You're an absent mother to them in the mornings, they know not to talk to you because your priority is your obsession with your friend. It is all quite disturbing and not normal at all. There is obviously some emotional attachment issues you have with your friend to the extent your children know they're second place. Your children will be grown up before you know it, and you won't even know them. You'll know your friend better than them. As I said, it's obsessive and disturbing.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 11:48

You are a checked out mother.

I had one of those, we hardly speak now and she wonders why. She spent 2 hours a day speaking to her sister and we were expected to do as your children do, get on with it. What a terrible shame for your dc.

It is excessive and damaging to your dc, but you crack on.

Sunnytwobridges · 03/10/2022 11:48

LikeAStar1994 · 03/10/2022 00:54

Ignore the miserable sods, OP. You are allowed to talk/spend time with somebody other than your partner and kids.

You're not

This.

i think it’s fine and the dh and DCs will be fine.

op i am jealous, I wish I had a good friend to chat with like this. I do chat with friends throughout the day but they are all self centered and interrupt whenever I try and talk so I minimize the time I talk to them.

Tsort · 03/10/2022 11:56

Ponoka7 · 03/10/2022 07:02

@Tsort my DD doesn't have children. As in many cases, the phone is on speaker/headphones and we'll both be cleaning/tidying/exercising/dog walking etc while chatting. She has ADHD and works better with background noise. She report writes/does admin etc while she talks. Some people have television/music on in the background, other people are talkers. I grew up very Northern WC in an extended family were neighbours would call in. Likewise in some cultures, you permanently have a house full and chat while doing stuff. The television doesn't get put on. We aren't physically in each others presence as past generations, but mobiles mean that we can talk as much.

Seems fair enough.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/10/2022 11:59

Reading first bit

you speak at 8 for 45 mins the drop to school then ring again

so chat 8 - 845 then 9 -

then again while working

yes to me it seems a tad Ott

if everyday

how old are your kids and what are they doing 8/845

as I’m doing breakie hair teeth shoes walking to school

yes dd is Fairky self sufficient and only 5 but I’m there doing stuff or reading /chatting to her

sounds to me you and friend ignore your kids at this time

def wouldn’t have long call before 9 and ideally not a short one as I’m busy but if someone calls I will talk if emergency or say can I call you back when I’ve dropped dd at school

pkus how can you clean with phone wedged under ear

snd

ehst the hell do you talk about all that time every day

mountainsunsets · 03/10/2022 12:08

I think it's inappropriate and if a woman came on here and said her husband ignored their children every morning at breakfast because he was on the phone to his best friend, people would be calling him a selfish, lazy git and telling her to LTB.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 12:10

Is your friend single?

Are you her surrogate husband/life partner?

Original poster
queenofqueens · 03/10/2022 12:23

CatsandFish · 03/10/2022 11:29

I feel so sorry for your children. Mornings should be a time you spend with them. Go over their reader with them, chat with them. Even while at the breakfast table. You might say they are 'fine' eating breakfast and doing their own thing, but would they admit otherwise to you? You're an absent mother to them in the mornings, they know not to talk to you because your priority is your obsession with your friend. It is all quite disturbing and not normal at all. There is obviously some emotional attachment issues you have with your friend to the extent your children know they're second place. Your children will be grown up before you know it, and you won't even know them. You'll know your friend better than them. As I said, it's obsessive and disturbing.

You're dramatic

OP posts:
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