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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner upset about how much I speak to my best friend

130 replies

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:21

I'm a 30 year old women, been with my partner 8 years, have two children. I am a self employed cleaner.

Tonight I was out to dinner with my partner and I'd said that I'd started getting a sore neck from holding my phone between my shoulder and ear whilst working and he asked speaking to who, I said Gemma (my best friend) and he asked, 'do you and Gemma spend hours on the phone?' I kind of laughed and said, 'well not everyday'. He is now saying it's not normal and needs to stop so thought I'd come here and ask your opinions.

I am very close with Gemma, she is my best friend, we call each other in the morning around 8 am and speak for about 45 minutes. Then we drop the kids at school and phone each other after that. If I am in someone's house cleaning and the owners aren't in then I will stay on the phone talking, this is usually for over an hour at least. If the owners are in then I will phone her in between cleans. I phone her after work but we don't speak in the evening as she knows I spend time with my family.

During the weekend we will speak periodically but never for hours on end like during the week as once again, I'm busy with my family.

She is at uni and only in 2 days so she is free to chat quite a lot, I can chat whilst getting on with work. It doesn't prevent us from doing anything, sometimes on the phone we are just chatting utter shite and sometimes we don't really say much. I just feel so comfortable with her that I can be on the phone for hours and time flies by.

Partner finds it very strange though. If I had a 9-5 job then obviously this wouldn't be possible but AIBU to say that if it's not getting in the way of work/any else then there's no harm?

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/10/2022 21:53

Have you considered that you and Gemma might have feelings for each other?

Original poster
queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 22:01

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/10/2022 21:53

Have you considered that you and Gemma might have feelings for each other?

Hahahaha sorry but I can assure you we absolutely do not n

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 02/10/2022 22:02

No harm in it

i would love to have a you or Gemma in my life.

billy1966 · 02/10/2022 22:05

None of his business but definitely get ear buds for your neck.

You are risking and injury doing that.

Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 22:09

Who rings who?

I have a friend like this.

I didn’t mind it at first as I’d do my chores and cooking etc at the same time but it became every day and then she’d try and ring me again later on.

I stopped answering in the end.

Scurryfunge12 · 02/10/2022 22:10

I think it sounds a bit excessive for every day of the week to be honest. I say that as someone who occasionally can talk on the phone for 5 hours straight if I’m catching up with friends, but still it’s rare that I do that.

It sounds like you are chatting every spare minute during the day.

LuckyLil · 02/10/2022 22:12

I suppose the real question is why do you need to spend so much time on the phone to the same person almost every day? Is it compensation for a lacking elsewhere in one of your relationships? I'm on the receiving end myself. My partner is on the phone to the same friend sometimes 3 or 4 times a day and I find it really intrusive and unnecessary. It does upset me.

Mamai90 · 02/10/2022 22:17

I don't think it's weird. Yes, its a lot but when I was younger I would chat to my best friend for hours and hours daily. Though I guess when we met partners it phased out a bit. I still see her weekly but if I'm ever on the phone to a good friend it'll be for easily an hour just chatting rubbish so I only ring friends periodically because I don't have time. It's fine though as you're able to chat in work and get the day in.

allboysherebutme · 02/10/2022 22:18

Who is he to tell you it has to stop, it's not interfering in your family time, I'd tell him to worry about his own friends or hasn't he got any lol. X

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 02/10/2022 22:19

No.

It's excessive and using your children's breakfast time as an excuse to chat to your friend is very sad.
You should be sitting and chatting with your children. They must feel like they're interrupting you.

The amount of time that you're on the phone to her is a bit disconcerting to be frank.

If you were my cleaner, I wouldn't be impressed either.
Music, podcasts etc .. are one thing as it's background but a live, interactive phone conversation means your attention is taken up.

It's a bit obsessive.

DPotter · 02/10/2022 22:22

Youaremysunshine

Being on the phone every morning to a friend rather than giving your attention to your kids must give them the message that she’s more your priority than they are. How sad.

This. If you're on the phone, getting stuff ready for the day, you're already doing 2 things. Your kids will have learnt, this is not their time to talk to you. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true. If you want to talk to Gemma when at work, that's one thing, but drop the calls when your children are there.

And yes - I think it's excessive anyway

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2022 22:23

Get earbuds and don't do it in lieu of being present with your children in the morning. Then fill your boots.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 22:24

It does seem a bit OTT to me but I can't see what business it is of your partner's really... as long as it isn't interfering with your relationship.

Walkwithmetonight · 02/10/2022 22:24

Agree - the only bit id have an issue with is the one in the morning while your kids are there. Even if they’re eating breakfast/ getting ready I think you should be available to chat not on the phone. All the rest of it - I think it sounds nice really!

I had a best friend like this though and we ended up sleeping together so… something to be aware of!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 02/10/2022 22:27

Just get headphones to save your neck, speak to whoever you want to speak to why would it bother him, he didn’t know about it and it didn’t affect him and still doesn’t now he does know.

Does your friend have a partner?

Why do you use headphones?

noodlezoodle · 02/10/2022 22:29

It does sound a bit much but you're not hurting anyone so why not?

But first get some earbuds and second tell your partner to fuck right off with telling you what you can and can't do.

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/10/2022 22:31

Yes headohones or earbuds..

I agree about breakfast time. I have a teen so get not wanting to talk but you need to be available, interupting a conversation on phone for mum to be interupted is not the same

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/10/2022 22:32

Youaremysunshine14 · 02/10/2022 21:41

Being on the phone every morning to a friend rather than giving your attention to your kids must give them the message that she’s more your priority than they are. How sad.

Show quote history

This ^ This 'gotta speak to my bezzie for an hour a day and prioritise them over everyone else' behaviour is the kind of thing I would expect of a 13 year old school girl to be honest.

@queenofqueens YABVU. Grow up. An as pps have said, your poor kids being ignored while you gas gas gas to your mate!

BlackCatTabbyCat · 02/10/2022 22:35

It does seem a lot but then me and my best friend message other a lot. Sometimes in the morning before the school run (although this is usually just one or 2 messages it's not continuous as I'm busy getting myself and 2 children ready), then we stand and talk for a while after the school run, then we message again after work back and forth the rest of the day. And it's always just random shite we are talking about.

I don't think I could speak on the phone for that long though but I am quite an awkward phone person and we will only call each other if its something really important. I used to be a cleaner and my boss would speak to people on the phone on loudspeaker all the time. I didn't (because of the awkward phone thing) but can see how you would do that to pass your time.

I do think the phone calls before and after the school run and in between clients seem a bit much but then when I think of how often me and my friend message each other then that makes me a hypocrite 🤷🏻‍♀️

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/10/2022 22:36

I remember this back in the day when I was a teen and a young adult. I wish I still had this kind of friendship.

I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s nice. And what’s the issue if you’re chatting during a time when it wouldn’t be possible to be with your partner anyway?

thecatsthecats · 02/10/2022 22:36

Just because Gemma only has a couple of contact days, doesn't mean she isn't supposed to be studying during the day.

I was THAT student, and I definitely didn't make the most of my studies. I'd tone it down, because you're effectively using up her study time whilst her kids are in school.

Kick the pre-school chat too. I was also that kid whose mum was clearly much more interested in conversations with other people than with us. I absolutely knew that, and she would have said that we weren't neglected too.

HardLanding · 02/10/2022 22:37

Itsbritneybitch22 · 02/10/2022 22:27

Just get headphones to save your neck, speak to whoever you want to speak to why would it bother him, he didn’t know about it and it didn’t affect him and still doesn’t now he does know.

Does your friend have a partner?

Why do you use headphones?

I don’t have a partner, I’ve been single for years and it wouldn’t even occur to me chat like this all the time. I’m too fucking busy for a start!

YouAreNotBatman · 02/10/2022 22:38

I’m not being mean, I promise, but what an earth do you have talk about so much and so often?!?

Seriously, what is there to say?

Genuine question, not being rude.

SayCheeseBoris · 02/10/2022 22:39

YANBU for chatting to friend lots during the day.

YABVU for ignoring your children while getting ready for school and really should put the bloody phone down and pay them some attention.

insatiableme · 02/10/2022 22:41

While getting the kids ready seems a bit much. I wouldn't be happy with that!