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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner upset about how much I speak to my best friend

130 replies

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:21

I'm a 30 year old women, been with my partner 8 years, have two children. I am a self employed cleaner.

Tonight I was out to dinner with my partner and I'd said that I'd started getting a sore neck from holding my phone between my shoulder and ear whilst working and he asked speaking to who, I said Gemma (my best friend) and he asked, 'do you and Gemma spend hours on the phone?' I kind of laughed and said, 'well not everyday'. He is now saying it's not normal and needs to stop so thought I'd come here and ask your opinions.

I am very close with Gemma, she is my best friend, we call each other in the morning around 8 am and speak for about 45 minutes. Then we drop the kids at school and phone each other after that. If I am in someone's house cleaning and the owners aren't in then I will stay on the phone talking, this is usually for over an hour at least. If the owners are in then I will phone her in between cleans. I phone her after work but we don't speak in the evening as she knows I spend time with my family.

During the weekend we will speak periodically but never for hours on end like during the week as once again, I'm busy with my family.

She is at uni and only in 2 days so she is free to chat quite a lot, I can chat whilst getting on with work. It doesn't prevent us from doing anything, sometimes on the phone we are just chatting utter shite and sometimes we don't really say much. I just feel so comfortable with her that I can be on the phone for hours and time flies by.

Partner finds it very strange though. If I had a 9-5 job then obviously this wouldn't be possible but AIBU to say that if it's not getting in the way of work/any else then there's no harm?

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 02/10/2022 22:42

How do you manage to do a decent clean working with a phone clamped between your shoulder and neck?
45 minutes every school day plus a couple of hours during the day! Wow.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2022 22:43

Get some headphones. Don't call whilst dealing with your kids. Tell your DH it's none of his effing business, is he controlling in other ways?

Toddlerteaplease · 02/10/2022 22:43

What on earth do you find to talk about!

Alarm59 · 02/10/2022 22:44

This is so shit for the kids in the morning

LovingLifesHurdles · 02/10/2022 22:47

Was your partner able to say why he was upset? Do you spend as much time and effort in communicating with him? Perhaps he feels a bit left out and lower on the priority list. Telling you to cut it out is obviously a shit thing to do but perhaps it's worth finding out why he found it so upsetting and trying to make some accommodations? If you are really honest with yourself, can you really say it's having no impact on your work, family life and relationship?

Not to say you shouldn't spend time with your friend, but hours every day is definitely outside the norm.

Thinkingblonde · 02/10/2022 22:48

I think your partner has a valid point if it’s intruding on family life. And 45 minutes every morning when your kids are present is intrusive.
You might think they aren’t bothered but they’ll have learned not to bother you as you’re not fully engaged with them.

declutteringmymind · 02/10/2022 22:51

No but for you it sounds like a massive distraction.

I spend loads of time on the phone with my 2 best friends. We deliberately do our chores at the same time, try things on in facetime that we've bought or ordered.

Sometimes me and my mum facetime while we're cooking. We chat, cook and keep each other company.

I love it and generally do it when the kids are at school, or occupied.

I think you're pretty off to be doing it during work hours as I can't imagine how you're doing your work as effectively with a phone wedged between your neck and shoulder, and are distracted by someone.

TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz · 02/10/2022 22:55

It’s nobody’s business how you often you speak to your friend or for how long. As long as it’s not impacting on you getting your job done or preventing you from spending quality time with family, I don’t see the problem.

I’ll echo PPs and say, with certainty, that I’d be telling him to fuck off.

ItsDefinitelyAutumn · 02/10/2022 22:55

It is excessive but you're probably so used to it you've made it your normal. Step back a bit. Maybe stop the first phone call and be there for the kids. Even though you say they're not interested or busy maybe if they see you not on the phone there will be more interaction with them.

EfficientDynamics · 02/10/2022 22:56

I think you and your friend need to get a room

FrostyFlamingo · 02/10/2022 22:57

How old are your children OP?

I get that it's nice to have someone to talk to during the day but please give you DC more attention.
I love a good chit chat but my DC take priority over my friends. Why not just ring Gemma after the school run and spend the mornings with your children, interacting with them?

PickAChew · 02/10/2022 23:01

Sounds rather excessive and suffocating, to me, but he shouldn't be dishing out orders.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/10/2022 23:01

I talk to my Dsis's (x3) everyday but not during busy periods.

In work is okay as long as your supervisor is happy with your work.

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/10/2022 23:02

It's excessive and whether your kids are complaining about it or not they will be missing out on time with you. Your DH can't force you to change your behaviour but it's actually causing you a physical injury so surely you can see why he might think it's a bit extreme.

On a separate note get a headset so that you don't have to stand in that awkward position while cleaning!

Chockmyhay · 02/10/2022 23:02
  1. it’s very weird speaking for multiple hours a day on the phone to one person
  2. if you want to it’s up to you
  3. have you heard of speaker setting?
NotAHouse · 02/10/2022 23:05

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:33

The kids are eating their breakfast/getting dressed, trust me they are not sitting wanting to speak to me and if they were then I'd tell friend I'd call her back. We still interact.

No wonder they don't want to speak to you.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/10/2022 23:06

He shouldn't tell you what to do.

Is it an anxiety issue that has you relying heavily on the phone?

My youngest Dsis is very together but hates being alone, she rings every time she is driving, it can be annoying.

Is your friend happy with the level of contact. My new friend is a phone lover too, the regular daily calls is putting me off her.

Thatboymum · 02/10/2022 23:07

I literally as a friend could not be fucked with that, I put my phone one do not disturb 90% of the day because I can’t think of anything worse than gabbing for ages to folk on the phone while I’m going about my day. My friends would only phone me if it was an emergency as they know I won’t answer. I will text back but not always sharp I’ll happily leave it hours so I need to say less , ironically I’m very sociable in the real world and love my best friends dearly but I wouldn’t put up with that at all and they know it

redbigbananafeet · 02/10/2022 23:09

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:33

The kids are eating their breakfast/getting dressed, trust me they are not sitting wanting to speak to me and if they were then I'd tell friend I'd call her back. We still interact.

Your children have learned not to talk to you in the morning. This is really sad.

Tsort · 02/10/2022 23:10

I'm not sure I understand what you’re asking. You can talk to her as much as you want and your partner can’t stop you. However, you MUST know that this is very unusual behaviour. This is not how most people live their lives.

MultiTulip · 02/10/2022 23:13

Generally it’s none of his business who you talk to or for how long. But your kids must be 7 and under and you’re neglecting them in the morning. If that’s what he’s talking about then he’s right.

mumda · 02/10/2022 23:13

Phone on speaker of no one else listening.
Hth.

mamabear715 · 02/10/2022 23:35

Personally, it would do my head in. I couldn't speak to anyone for that length of time..

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2022 23:41

My DD is 36, that's normal in her friendship group. I speak to my DD'S for a similar amount of time. Don't allow anyone else to dictate how your time should be spent. They only get to comment if it encroaches on your time together.

Whynobreadpudding · 02/10/2022 23:53

If it was my husband talking on the phone to his best mate for an hour every morning whilst getting my kids breakfast then I would be royally pissed off too.