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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner upset about how much I speak to my best friend

130 replies

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:21

I'm a 30 year old women, been with my partner 8 years, have two children. I am a self employed cleaner.

Tonight I was out to dinner with my partner and I'd said that I'd started getting a sore neck from holding my phone between my shoulder and ear whilst working and he asked speaking to who, I said Gemma (my best friend) and he asked, 'do you and Gemma spend hours on the phone?' I kind of laughed and said, 'well not everyday'. He is now saying it's not normal and needs to stop so thought I'd come here and ask your opinions.

I am very close with Gemma, she is my best friend, we call each other in the morning around 8 am and speak for about 45 minutes. Then we drop the kids at school and phone each other after that. If I am in someone's house cleaning and the owners aren't in then I will stay on the phone talking, this is usually for over an hour at least. If the owners are in then I will phone her in between cleans. I phone her after work but we don't speak in the evening as she knows I spend time with my family.

During the weekend we will speak periodically but never for hours on end like during the week as once again, I'm busy with my family.

She is at uni and only in 2 days so she is free to chat quite a lot, I can chat whilst getting on with work. It doesn't prevent us from doing anything, sometimes on the phone we are just chatting utter shite and sometimes we don't really say much. I just feel so comfortable with her that I can be on the phone for hours and time flies by.

Partner finds it very strange though. If I had a 9-5 job then obviously this wouldn't be possible but AIBU to say that if it's not getting in the way of work/any else then there's no harm?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 00:15

The kids are eating their breakfast/getting dressed, trust me they are not sitting wanting to speak to me and if they were then I'd tell friend I'd call her back. We still interact.

Poor kids, of course they don't speak to you during that time.

They have learned it's normal for you to be busy speaking to her during that time. They don't know any different.

And you shouldn't be waiting for kids to ask to speak to you, you should be proactively engaging with them.

I feel really sad they think this is normal.

Tsort · 03/10/2022 00:20

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2022 23:41

My DD is 36, that's normal in her friendship group. I speak to my DD'S for a similar amount of time. Don't allow anyone else to dictate how your time should be spent. They only get to comment if it encroaches on your time together.

we call each other in the morning around 8 am and speak for about 45 minutes. Then we drop the kids at school and phone each other after that. If I am in someone's house cleaning and the owners aren't in then I will stay on the phone talking, this is usually for over an hour at least. If the owners are in then I will phone her in between cleans. I phone her after work but we don't speak in the evening as she knows I spend time with my family.

You think that is normal for women in their 30’s? Really? How does your DD manage to speak to all of these people for multiple hours a day and you for multiple hours a day? As there are only so many hours available, is she literally doing nothing but nattering on the phone all day?

LikeAStar1994 · 03/10/2022 00:54

Ignore the miserable sods, OP. You are allowed to talk/spend time with somebody other than your partner and kids.

You're not

LikeAStar1994 · 03/10/2022 00:55

*You're not doing anything wrong. I'd love nothing more than to natter to a great friend for hours.

Musti · 03/10/2022 01:04

well I assume that op is with her children after school and during weekends so 45 mins when she’s talking to someone is fine and she has said that if they want to speak to her then she stops her chat. I don’t phone anyone before school but the kids mostly sort themselves out.

And if you’re cleaning then speaking on the phone is fine. However, it can’t be easy whilst holding a phone between your shoulders and ear - hard enough when they were big landlines! I can’t believe you haven’t bought any earphones!

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 03/10/2022 01:10

I think it's v.weird and would bore me stiff, just idle chit chat, but then I am in no place to judge as I have neither friends nor a mobile phone so I am equally weird!

wackamole · 03/10/2022 01:27

He is now saying it's not normal and needs to stop...
Partner finds it very strange though.

If he's actually TELLING you to stop, HE is being weird. You're not his child or his employee or his slave. If he's ASKING you to stop or SUGGESTING that you stop, I'd ask him to be honest about his reasons so you can give them fair consideration.

Wanting you to stop doing something because he wouldn't do it, or because he thinks most people is also quite weird coming from an adult; does he think your secret will be exposed and make him look bad, or something? It doesn't really matter if it's "weird" or not if you and Gemma both genuinely enjoy it and it's not harming anyone.

BeanStew22 · 03/10/2022 01:46

Hi OP - your partner sounds jealous of your friendship - tell him to mind his own business, but get some headphones

My best friend of 20 years & I often speak for an hour or two at a time - sometimes it can be every couple of days, sometimes much less often but never a short call. Sometimes do our chores/cleaning etc while on the phone too

I think it’s unusual (speak to other friends every week or two, and for less than an hour), but some people are just talkers: sounds like it suits both your schedules too

In your position I might drop the 8am calls (to be more available for family and also to get through your own morning more efficiently) and just chat during your work day. Re talking while cleaning: it’s never impacted my own ability, & any cleaner I’ve employed does the same (& I think lots of people with driving jobs etc do the same). My family call me regularly to while away a motorway journey too

The more you talk to someone usually the more there is to talk about next time

BeanStew22 · 03/10/2022 01:47

^ also, friend’s hubby knows & definitely doesn’t care!

JennyWI · 03/10/2022 01:57

so my best freind is married, works as a EMT. We talk at least 15 hrs a week. usually on fb messager but we do phone calls and video chats alot (my cats love, love, love to watch her cats). her hubby talks to his bestie at least 2-3 hours a day!

CreateOne · 03/10/2022 02:07

Your school starts late Wink

WalkthisWayUK · 03/10/2022 02:17

I think I’m with your husband, sorry!

It sounds a bit unhealthy. It’s like you don’t allow yourself just to be around your family and noticing them. Like a constant chatter which just staves off people and things around you, kind of comforting but meaningless.

If I were you I’d drop it for a little while - and just be a bit more present with your family. Maybe do something different with your friend instead like meet up for coffee - don’t drop the friendship but just change it?

Ponoka7 · 03/10/2022 07:02

@Tsort my DD doesn't have children. As in many cases, the phone is on speaker/headphones and we'll both be cleaning/tidying/exercising/dog walking etc while chatting. She has ADHD and works better with background noise. She report writes/does admin etc while she talks. Some people have television/music on in the background, other people are talkers. I grew up very Northern WC in an extended family were neighbours would call in. Likewise in some cultures, you permanently have a house full and chat while doing stuff. The television doesn't get put on. We aren't physically in each others presence as past generations, but mobiles mean that we can talk as much.

Oblomov22 · 03/10/2022 07:09

Demands that it stops seems controlling. How does he not know this after 8 years.
But it does seem very excessive. I phone my mum and my best friend regularly for an hour at least. Every morning for 45 minutes while you should be focusing on your kids. I wouldn't be happy if I was your cleaning employer because you aren't fully focused.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 03/10/2022 07:32

HardLanding · 02/10/2022 22:37

I don’t have a partner, I’ve been single for years and it wouldn’t even occur to me chat like this all the time. I’m too fucking busy for a start!

Show quote history

@HardLanding

I wasn’t asking if she’s single and if so then that must be why, I’m wondering if friend has a partner what does he think about it.
And what does friend think about OP being on the phone all the time and when her DH is around she don’t talk to her, wondering if the friend gets narky about it.

Because I have a friend like this and it’s exhausting but my boyfriend mentions it and I don’t say how annoying it is because I don’t want to talk about my friend like that to him, but it is hard work.
When this friend has a partner it’s not that intense, I think it is a lot of anxiety and being scared of rejection on her part but it’s quite controlling and intrusive.

Whattheactualfcku · 03/10/2022 07:36

I’d find it exhausting talking to someone so much! It just isn’t something I do. I know friends who do though. I used to leave WhatsApp groups as friends would chat shit all day and it got really boring! I’d rather save it for if we met up. Also I’m busy, I work FT, have a child and a husband and would rather put my attention in to them. I feel he has a point!

Herejustforthisone · 03/10/2022 07:50

It’s unusual but actually rather nice to see such a close friendship.

Get some AirPods to save your neck.

Tell your husband he has right at all to tell you ‘it has to stop’.

Herejustforthisone · 03/10/2022 07:53

Gah. NO right at all…. ^

SerenaTee · 03/10/2022 08:04

It does seem a little excessive. A key concern for me would be the long daily conversations when your kids are around, I’d not be impressed if my partner prioritised speaking to a friend to that extent when they’re there. My other thought is that your friend is filling the gap where a partner would normally be - do you put as much effort into speaking to your partner? Is he feeling excluded? It’s lovely you have a close friend but it does read as though you speak to your friend way more than your partner/family and that balance wouldn’t be right for me.

Aprilx · 03/10/2022 08:25

I think it seems very weird. I would also fire a cleaner who I found gassing on the phone whilst holding it to her ear with her shoulder. How on earth can you clean properly like that.

Brieeeeeeeee · 03/10/2022 08:32

It wouldn’t be for me, but I love texting which loads of mumsnetters hate, so horses for courses. I’m intrigued by how productive you can actually be whilst talking, though. If I do have long chats with anyone (and for me that’s half an hour!) I do it with earphones whilst folding laundry or walking somewhere.

as others have said, your H’s opinion matters little, though.

ganvough · 03/10/2022 08:35

queenofqueens · 02/10/2022 21:33

The kids are eating their breakfast/getting dressed, trust me they are not sitting wanting to speak to me and if they were then I'd tell friend I'd call her back. We still interact.

Well, it's likely they don't talk to you because you've always been on the phone.... so you haven't created a habit of you all sitting and having breakfast together. I never spoke much to my mum before school (grumpy teen), but I liked having her there bustling, telling me what was on the news, and if she was always on the phone I'd have felt felt pretty unimportant.

Also do you not have any hobbies or interests you focus on? I always think it's detrimental to personal growth to rely on people and gossip to keep you entertained. What happens if she moves or gets a partner or a 9-5?

Your partner can't and shouldn't tell you to stop but he can voice his concerns if he thinks your relationship or the kids are suffering. If you spend all your time taking to get, you can't have much to say to him?

dottypencilcase · 03/10/2022 08:47

I'm a 'peoples person' and get such a buzz for socialising but seriously, this is weird. Who has the time to talk to anyone when getting the kids ready for school in the morning? Have you checked if this is okay with Gemma- maybe she's fed up of the calls? And, if you're at the point you're getting RSI from talking to her then YES YOU'RE TALKING TO HER TOO MUCH!!!

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 03/10/2022 08:49

I personally wouldn't speak 2 someone as much as you speak to Gemma! However it is nothing to do with your partner and he needs to mind his own business!

ParentallyUnprepared · 03/10/2022 08:51

Why can't you just put her on speaker?!