Dp is hiding something...

[Cluedon]

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

@Cluedon

I'm sorry you're going through this @Cluedon but as gently as possible he is still lying to you. There's no such thing as "maxing them out". Either the shares he bought have lost most of their value or he's sold them at a loss. He's manipulating your lack of understanding of the situation.

Can you afford to get out?

The thing is, there is always a risk when trading. Then, if you're not a professional trader, you have to rely on second-hand information. Did your family give him money thinking he was going to invest it for them? If so, that was foolish.

Since your first post I was sure - it's 100% money related issues.
Typical behaviour :
*doesn't want intimacy because every spare minute is for gambling /stocks. Also if lost money - their ego feels destroyed, so doesn't want to be touched, cuddled, loved, etc. My partner couldn't even have erection.
*feeling that "something is wrong", but it's not related with other women
Don't waste your time. I took him back 4 times. He lost our life savings. I would have a mortgage now. Unfortunately I'm on benefits and feeling grateful to have a roof on my head and struggling with rent every single month....
Don't do my mistakes...
Also don't expect he told you EVERYTHING, I'M pretty sure you'll have more surprises coming.

@Thepeopleversuswork i think he has sold them at a loss. Or maybe a bit of both. All i know is there is nothing left to fall back on and he is clawing at straws

Oh I'm so sorry. You sound at the end of your tether.

Surprised your brother wants you to help him more considering everything you've already done. Perhaps he can help him out of this hole then. You've done plenty.

Is there someone else who might be more on your side? As angry and disgusted with him as you are?

I'm sorry. I know it's only been overnight. But you sound very switched on (and know more about this stuff than I do). When do you get the credit score back? What are your next steps? Maybe it might help to plan things out so you have a plan.

Can you afford to manage on your own? Can you move in with family? Do you work?

@BadNomad yes because he went around glorifying it all to them on how amazing it will all be and they cant miss out. Minus his friends who are young his family members are elderly and didnt really know any better. They most likely saw it as a harmless investment as they just trusted their son to manage the money. That isn't their fault.

He said he would watch these videos of this man on reddit and use his predictions to tell him where to trade. I dont know if that is the same as a second hand trader but he is obviously useless at his "informed educated guesses"

This is the third time though. I understand addiction and agree with you to an extent, but it is also possible to be selfish and addicted. Why did he not properly sort himself out the other two times?

I would support my DP ONCE and once only. No way would I be sticking around a third time. That is not just addiction, it is being unprepared to confront it. Maybe he will this time, maybe he will the 20th time, who knows? I wouldn't have the energy for sticking around for that though.

In 4 years since meeting him, you’ve had two children with him?

@dontputitthere i guess because i have known for a while something was wrong it has helped, but still nothing could of prepared me for this. I wouldnt of even been able to imagine it was this bad. It just doesn't feel real, maybe that's still the shock talking. You just think you know someone. I thought he had overcome his addictions, to now only learn that it had never gone away and only morphed from substances to this.

I really do believe it started off out of good will but my partner is just too weak to handle this. I was always skeptical about his involvement in stocks/shares because I know he has an addictive tendency and as I said he always used to rant about how life changing it was going to be. Honestly it was scary how he used to preach it like a religion. He was living and breathing off it and when I brought it up as a concern to his dm she said it was harmless. Of course she doesn't know about the addict in him so I should of taken that with a pinch of salt in hindsight but I just thought since we were in dire financial times it was abit of light and hope for him to hold onto and that was okay as long as I kept him grounded about it in the process.

Well now you know what been going on (although whether you know it all or not really is a big question still) have you got any ideas what you want to do?

Certainly for me it would be over. But I’m not you.

Has he told people he’s lost their money?

Oh I'm so sorry @Cluedon . I also think he's still not being truthful with you. As even from your updates you don't really know what's happened other than he's lost all your family money and other people's money. I know nothing about stocks and shares but even I understand the basics that they don't just disappear. They can lose their value and this is where I suppose he has lost the money. If he's sold them at a good price, he's had the cash at some point. I suppose he bought other shares and they too have lost value.
I think you now have to be as selfish as him and think of yourself and the kids. Is there anyone he can go and stay with for a bit - you shouldn't have to disrupt the kids lives over his behaviour but if he refuses to give you some space could you stay with anyone? Take some time over the next few days / weeks and look at your options. I don't think you will ever fully trust him again.

Hi op - what’s your financial situation - do you own or rent? Please look up entitled to - the benefit calculator - depending on your income you maybe entitled to child tax credits - please look - just base it on your income.
Did you manage all the bills etc - is everything up to date.
Was he responsible for any bills as you would need to check all is up to date.
Lock down any of your monies -
You need time to process this and it maybe better if he’s not there.
Hes deceived you -
Clearly an addict who hasn’t said he will seek help - he’s in denial.
Focus on yourself and your children. You must be sick to the back teeth.
Do you have real life support.
🌺

Does he spend a lot of time on the toilet?

He's a gambler, an addict and they lie and lie and lie. Until he hits rock bottom and owns up to it all, he won't change and you can't change him. I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, but trust your instincts when deciding what to do next.

I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth.
Believe me, whatever debt he says he has, multiply it by 3.
Can you access financial records to see exactly what the true debts are?

Please don’t listen to your brother, it’s easy to talk about providing support when you are not the one who’s doing it. You have 2 DC you need to focus on them, they are your main priority. You need to get out of the situation asap, check all bills and separate your finances and yourself. It’s certainly worse then he’s told you but it’s not your responsibility, your responsibility is your children. Who will look after them? You’ve done enough for your DP already. I wouldn’t give my DP even one chance in a situation as you’ve described. It’s a dead end. A friend’s husband sold their house and left her homeless with 2 children, it’s awful.
I’m really sorry that you are going through this.

Thanks for the acknowledgement, really appreciate it - it's not always been easy. For a long time I used to refer to it as an illness or disease, I've spent many years on and off trying to deal with my addiction and yes I fully agree it is very cognitive and I absolutely have a tendency to get addicted quickly, games, coffee, phones and generally unhealthy life choices. I also think in many ways, the way our world is set up that gambling is one of the very worst addictions - because it can be so hidden yet cause so much harm to those around us, however the one thing I am also absolutely convinced on now is that the opposite is true in that it is one of the easiest addictions to overcome - plenty will disagree with me I know but you can stop gambling in any moment. There will be consequences and you will likely face those consequences for many years (depending on how bad it was) and in my case I did so much damage to my finances, my relationships and my physical being that it will be a lifetime that my addictions has directly impacted. I've lived through family members being addicted to smoking, drugs, alcohol and even if that % is low, there is still a physical element to the addiction.

OP elsewhere has made a very valid point that her 'd'p hasn't even come close to owning this yet, this was discovered, not confessed. The dp is clearly still very much in the grips of their addiction and if I was the OP I'd be in full self protection mode and quick likely be walking away, albeit that is always easier to type than actual do in real life.

Fair to say I'm sure we are all very united in wishing the OP well though, facing this through no choice of their own is just the worst,

@Whydidimarryhim i really dont know what is next. I dont want to be alone with dc nor lose them 50 percent of the time. Unlike my "dp" who presented himself to be the oh devoted family man I actually am and my children are my world.

My family arent really taking it seriously. They understand what he has done is horrific but still justify it by saying "oh but we like him, he clearly loves you and dc, you need to help him" ect. Its always met with the same response everytime he has done wrong to me but I just think that is because a lot of my family are in toxic unhealthy relationships themselves so struggle to implement boundaries when they tolerate so much. At the moment i have my own benefits and place to go to so kicking him out of the picture practically wise.

I just really don't know what is next. I feel completely blind sighted by it all. I don't know how I can ever trust him again he has done and continues to do nothing to deserve or earn it

@ZekeZeke no i have no access to any of his finances which is the most infuriating part. Im trying to come to grips with the fact that I may never know or find out how much his debt truly is. Had I been able to see his money situation he would of been caught out along time ago!

It sounds like, with his lack of remorse, he still has the blind faith of success of a gambling addict and has yet to hit ‘rock bottom’.

If I were you, having already tolerated and supported him through other addictions, I would be gone. The utterly shameless lies (the most grandiose promises of which he probably still believes) would be enough for me to end this.

Don’t tether yourself to a rapidly sinking ship. Save yourself and your children.

Your family sound dire. You do not have to help him. You’ve already helped him. And someone who can lie and self serve and think not of his wife and children over and over again is no longer deserving of help.

Crypto? Looks like stocks to the untrained eye, lots of candle charts. Very easy to lose loads on futures and moves at pace so would explain the constant looking at his phone.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.Thankfully you are not married.Are you financially tied to himm joint accounts? Sorry if this has been asked already.You really need to separate financially and look after your DC. He isn't reliable.

@amylou8 he was adamant it wasnt crypto