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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inferring neighbour barging into 99yr old home…

101 replies

Twentyyearsapart · 02/10/2022 09:43

My gran (99) is bedridden and lives on her own in a flat in a 55+ residential block with the help of carers (x4 a day). They did away with the warden a few years ago but a couple of residents volunteered to manage the block - letting in builders, carers etc. One of the volunteers (M) is in my opinion interfering and overstepping the mark. He’s been a neighbour for 12 years and more of an associate than good friend to my gran but recently he wanders into my nan’s place randomly to ‘check on her’ (uninvited as her door is left open for the carers).

However last week he took it upon himself without asking or being asked to move all her furniture (emptying cupboards and moving them and contents) from her lounge into her bedroom as we had arranged for a new bed to be delivered and placed in her lounge. My mum had only asked him to let in the delivery guys if they turned and we weren’t there and I had cleared my diary to spend the day Friday moving everything and get her room cosy for her in preparation. I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to enter an elderly persons home and go through their things without their or their family’s consent especially when the elderly person is in a nightdress in bed. Also we don’t know what was on her cupboards so don’t know if everything is still there.

The neighbour also saw that I was at my gran’s on Friday as he was in the lobby when I arrived but came up later to see what we were doing at hers and then started to tell me what to do and where to move things!!! I was livid but for gran’s sake bit my tongue. I think he’s overstepping the mark but my mum disagrees.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 02/10/2022 09:45

Install a keypad lock and give the carers the code.

DenholmElliot1 · 02/10/2022 09:46

Yeah, I was just about to suggest a keysafe too.

CuriousCatfish · 02/10/2022 09:47

He just sounds like he's being helpful to me. I'd be grateful that someone was keeping an eye on a bedridden 99 year old relative who lived alone.

Knackeredandstressed · 02/10/2022 09:49

As PP above. Install a keybox and give the carers and family the code. M doesnt need it.
Leaving the door wide open is unsafe, especially with a vulnerable person in bed!

ThanksAntsThants · 02/10/2022 09:50

He’s probably trying to be helpful, but no, he shouldn’t be doing that, he is way, way overstepping.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 09:51

I'm not sure. I can see both sides. Is your Gran able to say how SHE feels? Would she be able to tell you if he was abusing her in any way?

have you not already removed anything valuable/sentimental?

is this living arrangement realky in her best interests?

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 02/10/2022 09:52

He sounds like a horror.

RedHelenB · 02/10/2022 09:54

CuriousCatfish · 02/10/2022 09:47

He just sounds like he's being helpful to me. I'd be grateful that someone was keeping an eye on a bedridden 99 year old relative who lived alone.

This. Leaving a bedridden 99year old in an unlocked flat is asking to be burgled or worse
Thank goodness she has this neighbour looking out for her.

Redlighting · 02/10/2022 10:08

Others have already said it but you definitely need a key safe and the only people with the code are the carers and the emergency services.

He was probably just trying to be helpful but he definitely over-stepped personal boundaries.

Twentyyearsapart · 02/10/2022 10:09

Thank you - I agree that popping in to say hello is nice and kind but moving her possessions or talking to the carers or nurses about my gran’s care (other than to let them in) is overstepping the mark.

My mum is her next of kin and although I’ve been pushing to get her a key box she’s refusing but I don’t understand why. I will keep pushing as I think it’s safer and better for my gran.

OP posts:
CuriousCatfish · 02/10/2022 10:11

I'd want as many people as possible keeping an eye on her. Any thing could happen in between the carers coming.

Even if he is a bit annoying, I'd put up with him checking up on her.

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2022 10:15

I don't think that you should bite your tongue when face to face. He needs politely telling to back off. What is your Gran saying about him going in? If she's happy then that's her choice.

FairFuming · 02/10/2022 10:17

The carers should not be talking to anyone except those named as close family, next of kin or emergency contacts about her care.
She really needs a keybox though not to keep that neighbour out but to stop anyone from just wondering in.

LuckyLil · 02/10/2022 10:18

I hate to say this but is it possible it might be you overstepping the mark? Your mum is next of kin and she's happy with it, doesn't want a key safe and doesn't have a problem with the man going in - but it's just you kicking off about it? In all fairness as next of kin it should be more your mum's business, and she's quite happy by the sound of things and doesn't want YOU interfering.

Lolalovesroses · 02/10/2022 10:20

Get a camera installed so you can monitor his interactions with your Gran.

Mamamia7962 · 02/10/2022 10:25

Would your gran not be better off in a care home?

Liz1tummypain · 02/10/2022 10:26

I don't get why her door is always open. Is that safe? Does she feel safe like that? You need to do something to prevent muggers, intruders etc getting in. Unless your granny somehow feels happy and safe with this set-up. I'm not surprised that M is always hovering around.

CuriousCatfish · 02/10/2022 10:27

I would have thought a bedridden 99 year old needs more than carers 4 times a day. Does your family stay with her a lot?

msbevvy · 02/10/2022 10:27

Does your gran have an emergency alarm system in case she needs to summon help?

When ours was installed for my disabled DH they insisted there should be a key safe as well.

Mamamia7962 · 02/10/2022 10:29

Also I'm confused why if she is in a flat, the new bed needs to be in the lounge.

BlackberryCat · 02/10/2022 10:33

I will keep pushing as I think it’s safer and better for my gran.

But your gran doesn't agree. I think you need to be respectful of her wishes even if you can't fully understand her reasons unless she has cognitive decline.

diddl · 02/10/2022 10:33

My mum had only asked him to let in the delivery guys if they turned and we weren’t there

So he knew what was going on & thought he was being helpful.

I don't think it's up to you to say anything tbh.

Can't believe that no one has organised anything safer for your Gran.

custardbear · 02/10/2022 10:34

I guess it's one of two things

1 he's a nice guy who is helping out a frail lady on her own
2 he's looking for things to steal from her

I hope it's 1

diddl · 02/10/2022 10:35

Mamamia7962 · 02/10/2022 10:29

Also I'm confused why if she is in a flat, the new bed needs to be in the lounge.

Maybe it's too big for the bedroom?

Better view for Op's Gran?

More room for carers to work?

JudithHarper · 02/10/2022 10:36

I can't see how a bedridden 99-year-old can be left on her own, even for a minute. What if the place catches fire?