Inferring neighbour barging into 99yr old home…

[Twentyyearsapart]

My gran (99) is bedridden and lives on her own in a flat in a 55+ residential block with the help of carers (x4 a day). They did away with the warden a few years ago but a couple of residents volunteered to manage the block - letting in builders, carers etc. One of the volunteers (M) is in my opinion interfering and overstepping the mark. He’s been a neighbour for 12 years and more of an associate than good friend to my gran but recently he wanders into my nan’s place randomly to ‘check on her’ (uninvited as her door is left open for the carers).

However last week he took it upon himself without asking or being asked to move all her furniture (emptying cupboards and moving them and contents) from her lounge into her bedroom as we had arranged for a new bed to be delivered and placed in her lounge. My mum had only asked him to let in the delivery guys if they turned and we weren’t there and I had cleared my diary to spend the day Friday moving everything and get her room cosy for her in preparation. I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to enter an elderly persons home and go through their things without their or their family’s consent especially when the elderly person is in a nightdress in bed. Also we don’t know what was on her cupboards so don’t know if everything is still there.

The neighbour also saw that I was at my gran’s on Friday as he was in the lobby when I arrived but came up later to see what we were doing at hers and then started to tell me what to do and where to move things!!! I was livid but for gran’s sake bit my tongue. I think he’s overstepping the mark but my mum disagrees.

Am I being unreasonable?

I would wonder at the neighbours motives... in a lovely world they are being helpful, but we had a similar thing with an elderly relative some years ago. Turned out the "helpful" neighbour had sinister motives and actually tried to coerce our relative to change their will to leave it all to them. I would be very suspicious personally but that's just bitter experience.

OP this is a serious safeguarding issue that needs addressing. A man is letting himself into your vulnerable immobile grandmothers home without consent. He may mean well but that does not make it ok, one day it might not be her friendly neighbour but someone with much more sinister intent. You need a keysafe for the carers. I'm actually very surprised the care company have not raised this already. They have a duty of care to their service user and this is not a safe arrangement.
Who owns the residential building? There may not be wardens but there is a management company that should be making sure all their residents are safe.

What happens if she needs the toilet during the night?

How does your Nan feel?

personally I think it’s nice that he is looking out for her and trying to help her.

Everyone else is involved in the care is happy with this arrangement except you?

nosy neighbours are a very common problem in this sort of situation.
knock it on the head if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If Gran is capable of making decisions isn't up to her?

@Vecnussy im sorry to hear about your situation but my view is exactly that one of safeguarding my Nan. She is losing her cognitive ability and not fully herself and a bit too trusting so thinks it’s fine to leave her door open as if it’s the 1950s!

This is what I love about safe guarding principles it's very clear it doesn't matter if the neighbour is good/bad and what their intentions are it protects everyone if they are good it prevents them from being accused of anything if they are dodgy it protects your Nan.

I would suggest the you ask for a safeguarding assessment from adult social service if she is under that service.

yes, the carers would i am sure be happier if there was a key lock on the door, it protects them against accusations

although presumably people can't just wander into the building willy nilly?

I was livid but for gran’s sake bit my tongue.

Next time - speak up. For your gran's sake.
"You are overstepping - my gran is old, not simple, & if she wants her things going through, she'll ask me. Stop going into her HOME without an invitation.

I'm hoping this isn't real, who in their right minds would think it ok to leave a vulnerable 99 year old bedridden grandmother alone in their own home, who according to the OP is losing her cognitive ability and not fully herself.

If she’s not safe at home, on her own .. she either needs someone to live with her, full time, in her flat, or, needs to move to somewhere care is provided full time.
What happens for the 22 hours a day that the carers aren’t in?
Maybe the neighbour is being nice, and you need to be directing your energies elsewhere.

i have cared for people who cannot walk, in their own homes, with carers in 4 times a day.
it is common.

So your mum asked him to let you know when the delivery men came.
Sorry, but you can't have it all ways.
Yes, he overstepped, but I don't think it was done with malicious intent.
You either involve him (and put up with the meddling!) or don't involve him at all.
There is seldom any in-between with people like this.

? I'm not in a situation. Your gran is. You, your mother, the care company and the housing association have a duty of care to protect her. Right now everyone is failing that. You need to make a referral through social services for a safeguarding assessment. I would be very concerned about using a care company that has no qualms about leaving an elderly, bed bound, and therefore extremely vulnerable, women displaying cognitive issues alone in an unlocked house. This is not something any reputable care company would encourage or allow to happen. Your gran needs someone to advocate for her and if your mother is refusing to do that then you need to!

Exactly. This man has decided he’s in charge and goes into people’s flats organising things in the way he’s decided. Not on. He might be a perfectly innocent person who wouldn’t hurt anyone or steal, but you have no way of knowing one way or the other. He isn’t an employee, he isn’t doing this in an official capacity, doesn’t have references or a DBS check.
The constant stream of “aww, he’s being nice and helpful, stop being paranoid” on here is astonishing. Safeguarding is a concept for a good reason.
Leaving the interfering/bossy/“helpful” neighbour aside: What on earth is the objection to a key safe? Anyone who needs to get in will be able to, that’s the point. Why is it a good idea to leave a vulnerable person’s front door permanently open? The next person to claim they’re going into the flat to help could be anyone, intending to do absolutely anything.

So assuming the bedridden 99 year old has a key lock with only the carers and family having the code. It's still not safe to leave her alone for 22 hours a day.

She needs far more care than 4 carers a day.

It depends what gran thinks. Is she happy for the neighbour to come in and do this. If she is, then it's up to her. If she isn't, then get her a key safe. If you don't think she has capacity then she will need a mental capacity assessment to make a best interest decision.

@CuriousCatfish it's quite common in domiciliary care for this kind of set up unfortunately. More calls means more money and a lot of people either can't afford it or aren't willing to pay the cost. A lot of the times it the elderly personas relatives that don't want to spend any more than the can.
To be honest this lady sounds like she should be in full time residential care. It doesn't sound like the family (except the OP) are willing to cough up more money for this lady's care. To he need to

A)pay for a key safe to be fitted
B) use a decent care company
C) house this poor lady in decent accommodation or residential setting.

and actually moving elderly people can be upsetting and detrimental to them

Unfortunately this is quite common, social care will only pay for minimum and the four calls allow for meals and meds to be administered.
This is why having money to pay for your own care is important, it gives you choice, which may include having more care calls than 4, if needed

I would stop this. I've heard far too many stories of elderly people being taken advantage of. She is far too vulnerable to have the door left open.

Get a key safe or numberpad lock on the basis that the front door might get accidentally locked and then no-one can get in.