Inferring neighbour barging into 99yr old home…

[Twentyyearsapart]

My gran (99) is bedridden and lives on her own in a flat in a 55+ residential block with the help of carers (x4 a day). They did away with the warden a few years ago but a couple of residents volunteered to manage the block - letting in builders, carers etc. One of the volunteers (M) is in my opinion interfering and overstepping the mark. He’s been a neighbour for 12 years and more of an associate than good friend to my gran but recently he wanders into my nan’s place randomly to ‘check on her’ (uninvited as her door is left open for the carers).

However last week he took it upon himself without asking or being asked to move all her furniture (emptying cupboards and moving them and contents) from her lounge into her bedroom as we had arranged for a new bed to be delivered and placed in her lounge. My mum had only asked him to let in the delivery guys if they turned and we weren’t there and I had cleared my diary to spend the day Friday moving everything and get her room cosy for her in preparation. I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone to enter an elderly persons home and go through their things without their or their family’s consent especially when the elderly person is in a nightdress in bed. Also we don’t know what was on her cupboards so don’t know if everything is still there.

The neighbour also saw that I was at my gran’s on Friday as he was in the lobby when I arrived but came up later to see what we were doing at hers and then started to tell me what to do and where to move things!!! I was livid but for gran’s sake bit my tongue. I think he’s overstepping the mark but my mum disagrees.

Am I being unreasonable?

This ^
Your grandma is probably grateful of all teh company she can get. (Has she ever expressed any problem with teh neighbour coming in to say hello, and check she is ok?(without you leading her that is)

Either your gran is able to say what she wants or if she isn’t, along with being he’s ridden then she should not be in her own flat. She should be in a nursing home. She isn’t safe with her door unlocked, even if this neighbour’s visits are appreciated by her. She isn’t safe confined to her bed with carer visits being her support. In reality they will be there for very little of the day. Your gran needs proper care.

But if the door is locked and carer is gone who will come to your Grandma if a fire starts or she needs help. Ti's whole situation is showing that this is no longer a safe situation for her. I would rather one of her neighbours who is probably kind enough pop in to her than have her behind a locked door. It may be time to review the situation rather than changing where her bed is.

For everyone saying 4 visits a day not enough, I'm afraid that's standard in this situation. I was a community carer and visited elderly bedridden clients all the time who only got 4 visits a day. First visit 30 mins and then 3 x 15 mins visits. Most had keysafes but a few left the door open like the op's nan. There isn't enough social care budget to have more than 4 visits a day- if care at home was not enough then social work would suggest a care home, they have no scope for more visits.

It's really common for people with very little or no mobility to be at home alone with just 4 care calls a day, it's sensible to have a fire risk assessment done with things like a flag on the fire services system that their is an immobile person, automatic linked smoke detectors that will call the fire service if they are set off, fire doors etc but this is a very normal set up for many elderly and/or disabled people.

So do many people and they get what's available which, if they're lucky, is carers coming in four times a day!

Sorry OP but no semi cognitive bedridden mother or grandmother in this family would be living alone. Thank God for her neighbour doing your family's job.
Probably making myself very unpopular but my family is Italian and that probably sways my opinion.

There is also residential care available which would mean she has 24 hour care and not just carers popping in 4 times a day.

Bedridden people should not live alone. What if she poos, does she just have to sit in it until the carers next come? When my dad became immobile and my mum couldn’t lift him, this was the tipping point for moving him into a care home. It sounds like that would be the best thing for your gran.

so many posts are totally idealistic and ignorant.

bedridden people get lifted by hoist onto a commode

He's wildly overstepping. You don't want to find that he's been taking her money or being inappropriate with her, so I'd get a keysafe

Everyone suggesting a carehome, have you considered that this isn't affordable for this family? That the gran may not have enough money to fund her own care and neither do her family?

Then SS would fund it.

I know because my mum was in a care home funded mostly by SS.

As pp have said, it sounds as though your gran should be living in a nursing home or at least in a residential facility with full-time care.

No mine wouldn't either. And I'm not Italian. Although I know Italians do often have strong feelings about this. Which is nice.

Unfortunately this exact thing happened with a friend's elderly relative. Her chair had to be removed and burned after this poor lady finally went into care.

it is a terrible situation for elderly people, even in a care home they can't necessary be lifted to the commode in time

I'm afraid that's the way it is for many elderly people. They're in bed in their own home with care 4-5 times a day. There aren't enough funded places in care homes, there aren't enough decent care homes, and some people just refuse to go into one.

They are essentially in a nappy. If they need the toilet, they use their pads. The carers clean them up when they arrive. They have an alarm button to call for help if they need it which usually results in an ambulance being sent, but sometimes someone from careline attends.

The lucky ones are the ones with relatives who are involved and visit regularly. The rest only ever see carers and district nurses.

It's sad. But it's also true.

and sometimes careline simply call the relative to come over

I can certainly understand OP's concerns about a neighbour however well intentioned going into an elderly person's home. The key safe is a good idea but in case of a fire or emergency who could access the flat?

The other issue is how safe is her flat from people wandering around the building. How do you know the carers have been?

No I get that. But they will be turned regularly to prevent bed sore and not left for hours in a soiled pad. Well I would hope so any way.

This is really common.
"Proper care" ie a home or live in carers costs thousands a month. People just can't afford it. Its all means assessed and the council will pay if you cant- but its for the bare minimum. 4 care calls a day us usually it.

It's a shittu situation but it's reality. We have an aging population- this will only get worse.

This is an entirely standard social care arrangement these days - if she doesn’t try to get out of bed (ie isn’t a risk if left alone) she won’t be deemed to need 24hr care by Social Services. You get two carers going in for 30-60mins four times a day.

It’s not ignorance to suggest that this situation isn’t good enough. If she has no assets then you push for a place and will get one even if not quickly. Often there are assets that families just don’t want to spend. This happened within my family - SS had to be involved.

That some old people are living like this doesn’t give an excuse for an older person with a caring family to be subsiding like this.