To think that my mother is a disgraceful excuse for a human being?

[AutumnalAgedWoman]

My mother and I have not kept in touch for 10 years due to a serious fallout. She last saw DS when he was 18 months old.

We have recently been in touch due to DS being diagnosed with a serious health condition (family medical history check). DS has been asking occasionally if he could meet her to see what she's like for some years. I have always brushed it off.

Since the Queens death being everywhere, he asked a few more times (suppose he connected elderly woman dying etc) and as we'd recently texted a few times. I put the idea for a meet up with him and adult DC (I don't want to see her) to her.

She responded that she would meet him and she'd come back with date and time. That was two weeks ago and knowing her. she won't respond again. She is not a busy woman with no time to organise an afternoon drink in a pub with a grandchild she's never had a relationship with. Not ill, faculties still there.

He asked me earlier when it had been arranged for.

I just want to tell her to fuck off and die quite frankly. She is not a nice person (but no risk to DC) and she should be honoured he even wants to meet her just once.

AIBU?

um honestly it’s hard to comment without knowing the backstory. If you’re suggesting she was abusive to you and that’s why you cut her off, why are you even trusting her with visiting your child? You shouldn’t entertain the idea. Your son can get the full story when he’s old enough to understand

Can one of your adult children contact her again, perhaps suggest a time? Two weeks after 10 years of NC is a bit quick to write her off - and if you've not been in contact for 10 years, how do you know she is not busy.

You can tell him the truth (You asked and she's not responded). You can also let him know that she had previous form for this and this is why you no longer have contact with her. Set his expectations without going into it all.

So sorry op, sounds awful. Is it your older daugher or son that would take your son to meet your mum?

I would probably just send one text asking for a time then leave it. if your son asks, is he 11/12 now?, just be honest and say she never got back to me, oh well.

are you close to any other family?
would it make things easier for you if you dc was to meet up with your mum and they really hit it off, or would it be catastrophic? easier

Actually yes, you are being a little unreasonable. You cut her out of your lives for 10 years now you expect her to show up on demand. And then what? She meets her grandson to satisfy his curiosity then you drop her again.

I don't doubt she's dreadful if you had to cut her out but she's still human, with feelings. Not a toy to be picked up and put down at will. If you were nc for good reason then best keep it like that.

She's mid 70's so as busy as someone that age can be. I doubt she's taken up any time consuming hobbies. We are also very busy. You'd think she'd prioritise it. She just does this to piss me off and make it clear I'm not if any importance.

It's not that I expected to have the meet up straightaway but did expect the arrangements to be confirmed.

Would it be normal to say to anyone like a friend or indeed family member that you want to meet up then not get back to them for weeks to say when?

They will go to where she is so not as if she'd need to travel. Just say where and when.

She was abusive and I have explained it to DS that she has issues from her own upbringing and trauma that made her that way. He is very advanced for his years (12). understands all this and has said he'd like to see her for himself. She'll be on her best behaviour in public so no concerns about that,

Just so furious on DS's behalf. She lives too far away for a relationship so not bothered about that, She won't be able to contact him directly. Expect that meeting her will be enough for him. He is close to DH's family but doesn't know any of mine so is curious. Just don't want him to feel sad that he never met her when she inevitably does die OR that she wasn't bothered about meeting him.

DD and DS1 said have said they'll go with him for support but don't want to get involved with arranging as they don't want to contact her.

She cut us out. We didn't cut her out. She said she never wanted to see me again. She had offers of seeing my DC in the early years (without me) but she ignored them. The older ones had her in their lives until their teenage years.

Agree with this.

She sounds awful and manipulative. It might be best to just be honest with your DC and make it clear that she's been like that with you and your other children, so it's nothing personal to him. It's not good for anyone's self esteem to have people in their lives who drop in and out and play games around being available but then not committing. It sets them up for lowering their boundaries in future relationships or withdrawing emotionally to avoid being hurt.

By the way, people who haven't had manipulative, abusive family members will never get it and will always accuse you of not trying hard enough. Resist them!

I think YABU to expect her to actually follow through with this meet up.

Your mum has been a shit. I won't ask further questions because I have my own shitty parents so I do understand that sometimes they really are just fucking shit. Enough said there.

But she is the one who cut you out. She has done things in the past to prove that you aren't important to her. She doesn't know your child. I'm confused as to what you were expecting? Further to this, if she is so awful then why would you send DC off to meet her, let alone without you there to supervise?

I think you're barking up the wrong tree. Perhaps deep down you were hoping that she isn't really as shit as you thought, and that she might redeem herself. This is natural, but it is not logical.

I would just tell DC that you asked her about it and she never got back to you with arrangements, and then leave it there. Don't feel that you have to facilitate a relationship between DC and a woman who treated you badly and then decided to cut you out. Fuck her.

My apologies, I misunderstood. Then please keep your ds away from her, she sounds toxic.

She's mid 70's so as busy as someone that age can be.

Whooooaa. I know quite a few 70yo’s who are still in full-time paid employment pulling over 40hr/week. Also know some that are super busy with volunteer work and life. At that age I had to book several months in advance for a trip to see my mum so she could take ‘leave’ from her very active volunteering schedule that would have been around 30hr/week plus her bingo afternoon and other social activities on top of that and this was very typical with her friends of the same age.

Your own mum, one 70yo may not be busy, but if you have been NC for several years no idea how you would know that and to come out with such a silly blanket statement shows what an ignorant person you are, which may also be clouding your thoughts on this situation.

Me too.

The kid obviously has some fantasy in his head of what a grandmother is. Just tell him the truth.Tell him, "I tried to arrange it, but your grandma won't respond. She knows you want to meet her, but she doesn't care because she isn't nice. That is just the way she is."

If you don’t like your mother and had good reason for not keeping in contact with her for 10 years why do you think she will drop everything to see your dc?
Either she’s a 💩 mother that you want out of your life or she’s worthy of your DC’s time and attention. I’m not sure where you are going with this OP?

Just tell your dc that unfortunately she's really not a nice person, and he doesn't need to be meeting her. Remind him of all the loving people and family who are in his life and just focus on them.

She's only going to mess him around and upset him if she's like that, so why bother trying to meet her in the first place?

Well your son won't miss what he never had.
So he won't be crying or upset at her funeral if he never met her since he was two.
If she dies without meeting him, that'll hurt you more than him.
Tell him she hasn't got back to you yet.
That this is why people aren't in touch with her because she's not very good with people and is unpredictable like this.
And it's nothing to do with him personally.

What and why the fallout?the abuse does yoyr son and other dc know the full extent.
Why did she cut you out?
Was the abuse emotional and physical and she admits to it.i wouldn't want to go anywhere near someone that hurt my mum.
I no u don't want to tell us your life story op.but I'm struggling to form an opinion here as there Are so many variables.

There's so much missing information here. But maybe she dislikes you as much as you dislike her and doesn't want to be a Granny-on-demand just because you've decided she should be. She hasn't heard from you for 10 years and now out of the blue you are telling her she must do something because you want her to. Maybe she thinks "erm, no thank you".

In what was she abusive?

*way

Given that she abusive this is probably it.

How does your child even know she exists if you've been NC for 10 years ?