To think that my mother is a disgraceful excuse for a human being?

[AutumnalAgedWoman]

My mother and I have not kept in touch for 10 years due to a serious fallout. She last saw DS when he was 18 months old.

We have recently been in touch due to DS being diagnosed with a serious health condition (family medical history check). DS has been asking occasionally if he could meet her to see what she's like for some years. I have always brushed it off.

Since the Queens death being everywhere, he asked a few more times (suppose he connected elderly woman dying etc) and as we'd recently texted a few times. I put the idea for a meet up with him and adult DC (I don't want to see her) to her.

She responded that she would meet him and she'd come back with date and time. That was two weeks ago and knowing her. she won't respond again. She is not a busy woman with no time to organise an afternoon drink in a pub with a grandchild she's never had a relationship with. Not ill, faculties still there.

He asked me earlier when it had been arranged for.

I just want to tell her to fuck off and die quite frankly. She is not a nice person (but no risk to DC) and she should be honoured he even wants to meet her just once.

AIBU?

"She just does this to piss me off and make it clear I'm not if any importance."

She's doing you a favour by staying away. How would you feel if she kept in touch enough to have her say when he hits the rebellious, teen years? Sticking the boot into your relationship with your child, would be a good game for her.

"He is very advanced for his years (12). understands all this and has said he'd like to see her for himself. She'll be on her best behaviour in public so no concerns"

He doesn't have the tools to deal with an abusive, manipulative adult. My biggest regret is ever letting a relationship build up between my Mother and my children. It kept me attached to her.

Tell her to now gtf and talk to your DS about it definitely being her that's the fucked up one.

You need to just tell your son the bare truth. You asked and she hasn't come back to you. Maybe you need to be more truthful about the circumstances behind going NC. At 12 you can explain in a way that he'll understand. It sounds as though she went NC as a way to punish or control you.

It's actually a good thing for your family not letting her back in to anyone in your families lives as it will cause mental anguish.

My children know my father and stepmother aren't nice people and so are kept out of their lives. I couldn't cope with my immediate family having contact with them as it just being such emotional turmoil and feelings that for my sanity I've long buried. I don't want my children controlled, manipulated and abused as I was.

As for a relationship before she passes away, well I've pretty recent experience of this as my father only passed a few days ago. My DC both gave me a cuddle and asked me if I was ok. Their thoughts were for me, not for themselves as they'd never even met their maternal grandfather, to them he was irrelevant. I feel v odd, numb, empty and suppose am grieving for the father I never had.

Above all in this protect you self and your children. Your son may grieve for the grandparent he never knew but it's probably less damaging than the cycle you may find yourself in if she is let back into your family.

@victoriacrosshairs why would they or you want to meet? You aren't a blood relative. Very different to your grandchildren, especially those from a DD whose children you previously had contact with.

If you don't want contact with your GC, apart from being seriously fucked up, that's your choice. But you don't make promises to that child, then take pleasure in stringing them along. She should have at least been in touch and said that she couldn't meet. Those making excuses, would any of you actually treat a blood related child like this? Bear in mind she's cut contact with adult GC who she knew as children.

It's hard OP my mother isn't really that interested in me or her grandchildren the feeling of rejection never really goes away.

Not entirely sure how old your DC is but perhaps you should be more honest with him. Stay in charge. Say no, we don’t have contact due to x,y,z. Obviously you could water down why but children usually understand honest answers and boundaries better than we expect.
TBH little bit confused here why you are exposing your DC to a person that presumably won’t be good for them. Stand your ground and be their parent.

Oh come on, don’t accuse the OP of ageism now. Read the thread. She has an extremely difficult relationship with this woman. This woman cut her out and is now utilising her tactics on the OP’s son. Allow her some anger towards this woman, don’t pick on one tiny part of her posts.

Well they've asked my children (who are now adults) so i said if. If they wanted to meet me I might say ....

I know I'm not a blood relative. But I was fucking good enough to mind their kids for weekends and pick them up from school and be the one who did all the birthday presents and Christmas stuff.

Agree. Impossible to imagine. They think they can, but they can't.

You’ve been honest with your child up til now so I would carry on being honest.

Tbh at a mature 12 then he could just reach out to her himself and then he can see for himself and you won’t need to worry about being involved.

“Sorry son, she still hasn’t got back to me with a date, I doubt it will happen so don’t get your hopes up.”

This is how I read it too.

Family/blood means NOTHING in reality, what makes up close is our bond and relationships... you refused to let her have one so really you DS is not her grandchild in anything other DNA. He is just a strange child to her with a rude unlikable mother.

You want to pick her up and drop her when ever it suits you... you sound quite entitled on your part to be honest.

I do feel for your DS who is the innocent here however it is who YOU have used him a weapon though against his own wishes and this is the consiquence of your choice.

She cut us out. We didn't cut her out. She said she never wanted to see me again

guessing you missed this @Porcupineintherough

@Herejustforthisone seriously? I understand she hates her mother, and likely for just reason but to state that all 70yo’s don’t do anything - do I need to cut and paste that again? - is beyond the pale and does so many of them a disservice. Very unpalatable.

Oh for gods sake. MN nitpicking at its finest. Pathetic! Let me spell it out for you what I meant - the vast majority of over 70's of my mother's generation do not work all the hours god sends, are not raising DC etc and would have time to arrange a time to meet up with a long lost grandchild. My mother has never worked, had any hobbies, did anything charitable, had no friends and I highly doubt she'd have changed.

I only put in that comment before someone jumped in to say she was probably busy and over two weeks was a reasonable timeframe to not follow up on giving a date!

She agreed to meet him. She could have not responded as I expected her not to.

The reason I'm OK with DS meeting her is that I was prevented (by her) from seeing my father after she remarried a year after their divorce when I was 7. Meeting him again in my 40's was what led up to her cutting me off as she was furious I had the audacity to want to know my own father. I have vowed never to be like her. I only met my Dad twice as I couldn't keep a relationship with him after all that had happened but I'm glad I did see him.

Those saying why let DS meet her if she's a bad person, he's at no risk, psychological or otherwise. My adult DC will be with him, know very well what's she like so will leave immediately. Anyway she will not be nasty in public, she's all about what others think. I highly doubt a relationship would go any further.

Since DS's diagnosis, I want to give him the bloody moon so can put my own feelings aside for him. He's not an average 12 year old I have to say. Extremely intelligent, emotionally and academically. He's been asking about her since he was about 5. My other DC have memories of her as they were very close to her and she still is mentioned occasionally so yes, he is aware of her and that he's the only know who doesn't know who she is.

Ok to reframe what kind of person doesn't want to meet their newly disabled 12 year old grandchild, with a life threatening condition, for an hour after they've asked for many years to meet them?

You're letting your own childhood experiences cloud your judgement with this. This is not the same thing. Letting your son see this toxic woman is not the opposite of that toxic woman not letting you see your father. This is you knowingly letting a toxic woman into your son's life. That is not good.

Ok to reframe what kind of person doesn't want to meet their newly disabled 12 year old grandchild, with a life threatening condition, for an hour after they've asked for many years to meet them?

A toxic one.

To answer your question.

Someone who is evil.

Or

Someone who is protecting themselves emotionally and doesn't want to have to see someone they want to be close to but know they'll never see again.

It could be either.

If one of my nieces or nephews wanted to meet me but I knew it was likely due to their mother that I'd never see them again, I might agree when put on the spot, but on reflection decide against it. I'd let you know though.

Those saying why let DS meet her if she's a bad person, he's at no risk, psychological or otherwise.

Sorry, but this isn’t true. You are letting him meet her, only to put him in a position where she doesn’t see him again (which is personal) or they start some sort of relationship which he as a 12 year old has to navigate when his mum is NC a with the grandparent he’s starting a relationship with.

It has PSYCHOLOGICAL RISK written all over it, in a flashing neon sign. It’s concerning that you can’t see that.

Definitely do this. It would be unkind to go along with his fantasy of a nice grandma when he’ll never have that. He’s old enough to understand, and it’s better for him to be disappointed now than keep hoping for what could be years.

'Someone who is protecting themselves emotionally and doesn't want to have to see someone they want to be close to but know they'll never see again.'
*
That made me snort. TBH she was never bothered about DS3. She had her favourite in my DC and it wasn't him. She wasn't bothered when her favourite was diagnosed with ASD and a learning disability either. I could have done with some family support then but she took them all with her to ensure I was punished by being alone and ostracised. She 'forgot' DS3s first birthday as didn't like his name. Sounds unbelievable but true! Doubt she'd understand the concept of 'protecting herself emotionally'.*

You clearly have massive issues with her.

What will he gain by having contact with her and why are you so keen for it to happen?

But this is the opposite situation. The OP didn't cut her mother off, she was cut off. It would be like in your situation you had cut off your nieces and nephews. The question then would be, would they want to see you again, via your adult children in case you messed them around again?

Maybe you need to start your own thread with your particular situation because I do understand why it was hurtful for you to be cut off by everyone because your relationship broke down. * *

I don't want or need to start a thread. I'm just giving an alternative perspective. I've no issue with where I am in my life and wrt my bro DS and nephews. My door is open. If they find me as adults, I'll take it from there.

I think it would help the op to examine her motivations for pushing this contact.

I do NOT think she should say this. It is unnecessarily hurtful to a child.
His expectations and hopes need to be managed, but not like this!

(I speak from experience, that's all i will say.)

Definitely do this. It would be unkind to go along with his fantasy of a nice grandma when he’ll never have that. He’s old enough to understand, and it’s better for him to be disappointed now than keep hoping for what could be years
*
There is no fantasy of her like I had of my Dad. He knows she's under 'Evil Old Hag' in my phone. He knows what went on.* It's curiosity and to see what's she's like as his siblings have. He did once say to me he wanted to meet her to see similarities to me as how could she be like that and me like I was!

Do you think she's a psychopath/sociopath/narc/disordered etc op?

He'd really be better not subjected to her.