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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my mother is a disgraceful excuse for a human being?

107 replies

AutumnalAgedWoman · 02/10/2022 02:09

My mother and I have not kept in touch for 10 years due to a serious fallout. She last saw DS when he was 18 months old.

We have recently been in touch due to DS being diagnosed with a serious health condition (family medical history check). DS has been asking occasionally if he could meet her to see what she's like for some years. I have always brushed it off.

Since the Queens death being everywhere, he asked a few more times (suppose he connected elderly woman dying etc) and as we'd recently texted a few times. I put the idea for a meet up with him and adult DC (I don't want to see her) to her.

She responded that she would meet him and she'd come back with date and time. That was two weeks ago and knowing her. she won't respond again. She is not a busy woman with no time to organise an afternoon drink in a pub with a grandchild she's never had a relationship with. Not ill, faculties still there.

He asked me earlier when it had been arranged for.

I just want to tell her to fuck off and die quite frankly. She is not a nice person (but no risk to DC) and she should be honoured he even wants to meet her just once.

AIBU?

OP posts:

HuntingoftheSnark · 02/10/2022 06:39

No, YANBU at all. Maybe the only unreasonable part is to have expected her to have changed in the intervening years during which you have had no contact? As you say that your son is mature and understanding of the situation, your mother's lack of a definitive response will bear out that she is the one with the issue, not you and certainly not him. If you have been happy for the last 10 years, I would keep it that way.

kingtamponthefurred · 02/10/2022 07:14

Why should she be honoured? Is he Jesus or something?

NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 02/10/2022 07:21

She's shown you who she is, why would you want to expose your child to that?
Just explain she's not a nice person, just because she is family means absolutely nothing.
I am totally confused as to why you would open it up in this way.
And yes, I speak from experience...if my DP were interested in seeing my children I would have considered it, but under the circumstances you describe, no way. She doesn't give a shit, she's probably not even doing it to annoy you, you are simply not that important to her.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 02/10/2022 07:21

OLP2019 · 02/10/2022 06:36

How does your child even know she exists if you've been NC for 10 years ?

Most 12yos understand that people have parents 🙄

Stopsnowing · 02/10/2022 07:25

Even if your son meets her what happens next? Surely if she then drops him he will be more hurt because it will be personal? Just tell him she never came back to you and leave it.

mummabubs · 02/10/2022 07:27

I'm sorry for your experiences OP, it sounds like your mum hasn't been what you needed her to be. And you sounda understandably angry about this. For what it's worth given you've said she was abusive I would be very cautious of facilitating any meet up between your son and her. If it doesn't go well then that's upsetting for him. If the meet up does go well and he tells you he wants to keep seeing her after that then I wonder how you'd react to that request? (Basically I don't see them meeting up ending well for anyone and is also likely to drag up trauma for you?)

(As a little side, I also wanted to gently challenge the "as busy as any 70 yo is" mentality. My in-laws are in their 70s are pretty busy. My next door neighbour is 74 and still works more than full time hours as a builder. I literally see him scrambling over roofs like some sort of mountain goat).

Doingprettywellthanks · 02/10/2022 07:28

So very very bizarre you wouldn’t just say to your son, “unfortunately my mother and I don’t have a relationship, it’s very sad and I miss having another but it’s for the best. Some people just aren’t nice and it’s awful when it’s your own mum, but you got lucky with me because i am pretty much the best mum going!”. Or something similar.

12 year old boys aren’t generally too hung up on meeting their aged grannies with whom they’ve had no interaction with whatsoever

okytdvhuoo · 02/10/2022 07:31

YANBU, it sounds like she is. Sorry OP, it must feel very sad, frustrating and disappointing. Well done on moving on from this relationship and recognising that she’s not worth your time

Doingprettywellthanks · 02/10/2022 07:32

He is very advanced for his years (12). understands all this and has said he'd like to see her for himself.

if my 12 year old knew someone had been “abusive” to me and had cut me out of their life … he really would not want to “see her for herself”.

Doingprettywellthanks · 02/10/2022 07:32

okytdvhuoo · 02/10/2022 07:31

YANBU, it sounds like she is. Sorry OP, it must feel very sad, frustrating and disappointing. Well done on moving on from this relationship and recognising that she’s not worth your time

the op hasn’t moved on though

she has started a thread on her mother and clearly very very angry

Doingprettywellthanks · 02/10/2022 07:35

AutumnalAgedWoman · 02/10/2022 03:07

She cut us out. We didn't cut her out. She said she never wanted to see me again. She had offers of seeing my DC in the early years (without me) but she ignored them. The older ones had her in their lives until their teenage years.

You'd think she'd prioritise it.

why? Given your previous post

FirewomanSam · 02/10/2022 07:36

Well your son won't miss what he never had.
So he won't be crying or upset at her funeral if he never met her since he was two.

I don’t think you can assume that. My grandfather sounds similar to the OP’s mum. I knew him a little more than OP’s son knows his grandmother, but not much. He regularly cut us off for years at a time and we barely had a relationship with him.

I cried buckets at his funeral because it felt like such a waste of a relationship and I was heartbroken that I had never had a ‘proper’ grandad and now never would.

Minimalme · 02/10/2022 07:37

No contact is the way to go op.

I would explain to your son that actually, your Mother is attempting to upset him by not jumping at the chance to meet him.

Tell him she enjoys using contact/no contact as a means to hurt and punish.

They say that you love him too much to allow him to be subjected to the abuse you suffered growing up.

I understand why you want to protect your ds but the truth is necessary here to protect him.

Then block your Mum for good.

(I have done all this btw to my own Mother.)

Lampzade · 02/10/2022 07:39

Tell your dc the truth .

Pllink · 02/10/2022 07:48

If she's too toxic to be in your life I can't imagine why you'd want her in your sons, even for a day. Plus what if he really likes her, are you prepared for the can of worms that might open? You sound really angry at her (understandably) so it's also worth thinking about what opening up this line of communication is doing to you, and if its worth it.

My Mum didn't have a relationship with either of her parents, I'm in my 30s and have never met her mum and have run into her dad a couple of times (awkward as fuck) but don't "know" him. I did want to meet them when I was around the same age as your son, I was curious too, but they weren't interested and my mum wouldn't have been comfortable with it. This was explained to me and even if I wasn't happy about it at the time, I accepted it.

Not knowing them hasn't affected my adult life in anyway, however the trauma my Mum had from her relationships with them (especially her mother) still impacts her, and by default me, regularly. Generational trauma is real. Not what you asked I know, just something to consider!

WetLettuce2 · 02/10/2022 07:49

Very little information to go on but it’s either she doesn’t want to be picked up and dropped, why form a relationship with a child when the mum can go NC for the next 10 years. Or she’s telling you who she is (still) and you’ve cut a long story short with minimal hurt to DS as she would do this at some point anyway even if she did make an initial effort now.

You know who she is, stop putting yourself through this.

CuriousMama · 02/10/2022 07:49

I agree with telling him the truth.

Beautiful3 · 02/10/2022 07:50

What, she cut you and your children out?! Thats awful. I wouldn't bother arranging anything. Just tell your son, that you asked and she never got back to you.i wouldn't contact her again.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/10/2022 07:52

Let sleeping dogs lie

J0y · 02/10/2022 07:57

I'd explain to your son, I thought she'd get back to me but so far, nothing. Show him the text exchange. It will confuse him of course but give him an understanding of why it has come to this.

With regard to who cut who off, with extremely difficult people, if you don't step in to their reality they see you as the perpetrator.

My mother has cut me off and given me the silent treatment but yet her perception is that I'm responsible for the rift/estrangement. She honestly believes this.

I never knew that people could simultaneously be giving you the silent treatment and yet also 100% blaming you for the break down of the 'relationship'.

OP, my advice would be not to try and follow up on the half arranged meeting.
You'll only end up upset again.
See if she comes back to you. Then reassess.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 02/10/2022 07:58

Raidtheice · 02/10/2022 02:17

You can tell him the truth (You asked and she's not responded). You can also let him know that she had previous form for this and this is why you no longer have contact with her. Set his expectations without going into it all.

This. I wouldn’t pursue her or ask her further. She’s knows what you’re offering and hadn’t responded.
I’d tell your ds the truth but matter of factly ( is that even a word?) Tell him she’s had the same offers before and hasn’t taken them up, it’s no reflection on him, some people are just like that.
Does he have other grandparents, aunts, uncles he’s close to?
I hope your ds is ok re the illness.

mycatisannoying · 02/10/2022 07:59

She's awful. Any normal person would be jumping at the chance to meet their grandchild.
I think it's perhaps time to be honest with your son

mycatisannoying · 02/10/2022 08:00

Porcupineintherough · 02/10/2022 02:52

Actually yes, you are being a little unreasonable. You cut her out of your lives for 10 years now you expect her to show up on demand. And then what? She meets her grandson to satisfy his curiosity then you drop her again.

I don't doubt she's dreadful if you had to cut her out but she's still human, with feelings. Not a toy to be picked up and put down at will. If you were nc for good reason then best keep it like that.

Well, I'm sure the OP had her reasons.

phoenixrosehere · 02/10/2022 08:03

YABU

I get being upset for your DC but considering the circumstances, why are you surprised? You have written out what she is /was like, that you’ve been NC with her for a decade (it being her choice), and that your 12 yo wants to meet her despite knowing everything and his seemingly advanced to understand, but she’s a disgraceful human being for doing exactly what you expected her and what she has form for and you must tell strangers about it so they can agree with you when you literally say you put up the idea for your children to meet up with her and she has ignored your previous request?

There is no logical sense in this. You want her to f**k off but YOU CONTACTED HER!

You’re making yourself upset over this because your son wants to meet a stranger who happens to be blood-related. Yes, she’s your mother but that doesn’t make her family due to her actions and time passed. She said she would arrange a time and day, but hasn’t gotten back to you. Since it’s been two weeks, take it for what it is. She has ignored your previous requests over the years so why get yourself into such a state? I can understand being upset for him but at this level is not healthy.

Disappointment is a natural part of life and instead of being angry, explain to him what the situation is. Say:

“I know you want to meet your grandmother and I have contacted her, but she has not gotten back to me with a date and time. I can try again but I cannot say or promise that the same thing won’t happen. What would you like me to do?”

Leave the ball in his court and be there for him if it happens again.

Dogtooth · 02/10/2022 08:04

You need honesty in the family. Sending your son along to meet her when you think she's not a fit person to be around him is messed up and very jarring for your son.

I'd just be sad that it's ended up like this.

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